After midnight blabbers…

It’s been a while, and I keep having random thoughts in my head that drive me insane, but not long enough for me to write them down. However, tonight I just have an unbearable urge to let them out, or at least some...


This is one of the loud thoughts I have in my head…

Wouldn’t this world be a much better place if each one of us believed that everyone is someone else’s father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister and/or, husband/wife… as in that each and everyone one of us has a bunch of people in his/her life who think great deal of him/her!!

Yeah, I am starting to understand why exactly most of my friends think I need to be admitted into some facility that “protects” people like me! But really, just take a moment to imagine it; better yet, take a minute to think of someone you dislike as someone else’s special person! (I don’t necessarily mean special special)



This word keeps echoing in my head for no good reason!

Yearning, as in: Longing, aching, nostalgic… I have no idea for what!!



Current Soundtrack…

Charles Aznavour Duos!! I still can’t get over the intensity of his voice in different languages! The way he says each word makes my heart skip beats!!!!

Nina Simone’s The Keeper of the Flame made me tear up when it played randomly in the car; I wasn’t even paying attention to the lyrics, but the music definitely hit a nerve I am unaware of!

I am not sure if the soundtrack stirred the nostalgia and the yearning or if I am vulnerable to the music because of those feeling; either way, they get along fine!!



The daily annoyances…

The infamous X… the annoying colleague at work who wouldn’t let me ignore him… and the governmental officials that make me want to forget about them being someone else’s special and kill them or wish them horrible deaths, especially that freakin’ officer with the dirty looks, I wish that one turns blind!!

I should have also mentioned the evil side of me since I am wishing all the above all the shit they made me go through during the past few days!



My little blessings

My cute little monsters of kids; I can’t get over how sweet and kind Beem is, and how hilarious and cute my Mocha is, pretty much makes up for how nagging Beem can be and how crazy and aggressive Mocha is!!

The little extra bonus at work and the medical insurance refund (yeah I kinda need the money)

My dad’s little surprise that I hope would come to term without any disappointment (God, I know I am asking for way too much!!)

The few laughs I had with Rasha yesterday and today, aside from the nakad movie that had the poor thing sobbing!



The things I KNOW I should do...

Show God my gratitude, as in do my prayers on time we balash estehbal… Clean up the damn room… save money… spend more time with the boys and enjoy them… watch out… finalize all pendings at work on daily basis or whatever closest ( I hate loose ends at work and I’ve been leaving a lot behind!)… catch up with a lot of my friends…

There must be a lot more but I am too tired now; I think I’ll call it a night…



Hoping and praying for a good weekend pour moi and for all of you out there… be well.

On Boundaries…

Almost a year ago or something…


Looking into the random scribbles and smiling without looking back at me…

“You’re very aggressive. Thing is, you have every right to be; you don’t just burst for no reason, you hold it in for too long until you can no longer handle it and then you become too aggressive, it comes from pain”

Looking at me…

“Why is that??”

I smile and I shrug…

“It’s just who I am I guess!”

Still looking at me…

“It’s not ok because it gets to you more than it should. You let people abuse you in a way because you don’t want to acknowledge that you’re not ok, they push you far beyond your limits and you still try to pretend it’s ok until you no longer can… at that point, it’s pretty much too late for them to fix things and also very late for you to forgive them for messing things up… you’re already too hurt and you burn those bridges with both pain and rage”

Avoiding eye contact…

“I don’t know what else to do; I expect people to understand me well enough to not cross my boundaries!”

Still staring at me, yet maintaining the quiet tone…

“Do you know your boundaries? I don’t think you define yours clearly enough although you're very aware of others'; it’s a loose term when it comes to you because once someone gets close enough; there is almost nothing you wouldn’t take from them … isn’t that what happened with your x? It does not change that he was not a good person, but you let him get away with a lot of things he shouldn’t have until you no longer could, right?”

Nodding…

He resumed…

“You should make boundaries, clear ones, especially for those you love and care about because those are the ones that hurt you the most. If you let them know in advance that you’re not as strong as you come off, they’d be more careful… and if they don’t, at least it would be early enough for you not to hurt. Be as assertive as you seem to be”



He was right. Boundaries are such a loose term for me, not just with the ones I care for! Once I feel comfortable enough, I sort of let my guard down and make room for jerks to take me for granted.

Problem is, there is a nice-gene in there somewhere that doesn’t recognize harassment or abuse even if it hits me in the face! No not a nice gene, I’ll call it stupid-naïve-gene, and it keeps causing me emotional trauma and my mind keeps blocking it somewhere until the next one!

Ufff, when did people become so damn evil! I feel like an idiot just like my friend kept saying yesterday… no, not utopian like I kept correcting him, a complete idiot.

And now, I will try to figure out how aggressive I will have to be with that one! Given the circumstances, passive aggressive is the way to be… and complete avoidance, like the couple of ones before him. I see a pattern, one that I do not like, and I am thinking it’s also me, not just them.

I want…

I almost never begin a sentence with “I want…”; I always say “I don’t want…” and find ways to imply what I want rather than stating it, possibly because I am never that certain about what I want the way I am about what I don’t. Duh.

Mmm, today I had a strong feeling that I wanted something as I was listening to Aznavour’s album Duo in all French, English and Spanish/Italian with other famous singers and staring at my computer screen. For a split second, my surroundings changed and I saw nothing around me but an opera theatre and the two singers going about with that song that shook every nerve!

Less than a minute later, as I was sipping my green jasmine tea (I am taking it easy with the coffee, Ramadan preparations), I saw myself with a blurry yet friendly face in a café at some European country sipping coffee and having a conversation.

I smiled… I still don’t know what caused those images that flashed in my head so vividly! All I could think of was that I wanted those images to be real! Et voila, I am writing them down for my own reference; let it be a record of me knowing something that I actually want.

I want to attend a music concert at the opera, I can even settle for Cairo Opera House, but I need one of those magnificent performances that shake my entire existence. I am not that impossible; any language will do… of course a Bocelli Opera Night would be miraculous. Yeah, big hopes!

I want to travel, with friends. I want to see different places and live according to my own schedule for a short while… I won’t be picky about the where, and I am flexible about the who because between myself and I, all my friends are amazing that way.

See, not picky at all! I think I used to be too picky because I never thought any of my dreams would come true so I pretended to mean to make it impossible! Now that I have touched some of my dreams, I think I should just make it easier…

I’ll go to my dream land now… perhaps I will update that post with more things to want, but hopefully, I will one day write a new post about how I got the things I wanted ;)

Such a Misleading Quote, Such a Misleading Notion!

Years ago (nine years to be exact), I saw the movie The Story of Us. For whatever reason, I liked the movie a lot, a part of me still does to tell you that truth! Back then, I was more into happy endings and that movie provided more than just that; it provided an example of a marriage that worked despite all the problems, what else would a girl who had just met a guy (whom she thought was one) want!

One of my favorite parts, or perhaps even my favorite was the part right before the end where Michelle Pfeiffer breaks down and decides to give the marriage another try, which apparently saves the marriage, for perhaps another 15 years or so!

Anyways, here is the quote from that scene since I wasn’t able to get the utube embedding code!


“I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood your in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up! And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew, and an an an I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial

And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine.

And God you’re a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character! And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of?

That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times!I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply here does it?

What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you”


I remember how that quote got me to stay in the marriage when I first had doubts (strong ones) shortly after my Beem was born, or was it a bit before I had given birth! I remember the moment cut from all its surroundings; I remember sitting on the couch, rather collapsing when my friend who was trying to give me advice said “he loves you, he might have screwed up, but he loves you still, and it should count for something”!

I don’t blame my friend, he saw the x through my loving eyes for a very long time it was hard to even imagine that I was that mistaken about someone! And like me, he always thought people would live by his own ethics and standards, not theirs!

Anyways, that line echoed in my head so loudly, I even told my friend about that scene, and it helped him encourage me to stay married to the x for a couple of years until my second pregnancy and his next affair! I think given all the stuff mentioned on this blog as well as more that I kept to myself, no quote would have made me stay any longer!!

Seeing that scene again, it made me feel like the ending of the movie was fabricated to strengthen the notion of marriage or perhaps to give people a false hope that a marriage can survive no matter what!

Correction! A marriage can survive alright, but without the “no matter what” part! There are relationships that are worth fighting for, and I am all pro two-way communication, but don’t bullshit me into believing that love conquers all or people should overlook communication problems because they love each other!

Ok, I must admit I still like to believe marriage works and love conquers, not necessarily all, but conquers ay 7aga!

But does it????

Right now, I have seen enough examples that confirm that marriage doesn’t work, not the way I have seen people doing it anyway! The examples I see are basically divided into the following:

- Couples who are like time bombs waiting to explode due to piling up all sorts of lack of communication issues,
- Couples who are too preoccupied with their daily struggles of income-making and bills-paying and post baby-having issues that they keep telling themselves “all will be ok, once we work all those things out”, or
- Couples whom I don’t know well enough who seem perfect, and I am honestly too afraid to find out if they aren't!

So I leave it to you dear reader to tell me how cynical and bitter my own experience had made me! And if I am that cynical and bitter, don’t be kind because I once promised myself I won’t be, so help me keep that promise! Oh, and I didn't even mean for that post to be cynical, it just felt like one as I was ending it!!

Oh oh! above cynical opinion of marriage shall not apply to Slop & Sou who are currently on their honeymoon, yet they keep logging on!! I wish those two the happily ever after they deserve :) And guys, if you're checking this post, log out and enjoy the honeymoon already!!

Pending Reflections…

At the Physiotherapist’s…

“Just relax, let go!”
“I can’t!!”


At my Birthday Party…

“I am just too happy that I have nothing in mind that I can possibly wish for!”


My friend…

“Well sounds like you're surrounded by ppl who love you”

“What would you wish me?”
“Happiness, eternal happiness”


Will…

“Life is treating me well since my BD!!!”
“I think life thinks you've had enough”
“hehe, only it's never smart to actually believe that; life usually waits till u completely let your guard down”
“Well sometimes it's smart to believe that for a while”


At the Hairdresser’s while having my nails done…

“enty betsheddy a3sabbek awy!”
“haha, ma3lesh asfa, asly wakhda 3ala keda!”


So to sum up what I had in mind…

I am incapable of just relaxing and enjoying the good stuff that life gives me!

Yet, apparently when I am happy, my friends seem to wish me more happiness because I am such good company that way!

I worry… and I am too afraid of letting my guard down; it's understandable given all I've been through! Or so I would like to believe.

I am too tense, even when I am supposedly relaxed!!

What can I say, I’d rather be hit to the face as painful and humiliating as it can be, rather than being stabbed in the back; at least I can see it coming.

Today I was slapped at the face, and it still felt too personal and as painful as a stab in the back!

Bounced back instantly though; if there is anything for me to have learnt during those past few days was that happiness is too precious to be lost over such a jerk, or any other jerk for that matter!

I have a couple of things to learn… keep on my exercises so that my back wouldn’t relapse… and learn to bask in my happiness and enjoy it to the fullest; let my guard down and hope my happiness will protect me!

Still, hold on to the things that make me who I am because these are the things that make me deserve the good things I have…

So change, and yet remain who I am!

And I thought it was gonna be hard!

A reoccurring dream…

A long day at the pool with my boys, followed by post pool exhaustion and an unusual earache!

I walked somewhere, and I saw him; his kind face and his peaceful aura…

“But you’re dead!!” I thought…

He smiled and said nothing…

“How come you’re dead, and yet I keep seeing you alive and well… like you’re always there, like your death was a bad dream!” I kept wondering…

He smiled even more and told me in his calmest tone of voice “I never really left, I will always be here, and you’ll always know where to find me”

I walked towards him to touch his hand, and before I knew it, I felt my Mocha climbing next to me in bed and laying in my arm…

I woke up to see the nanny putting Beem in bed and mumbled something to her before I hugged Mocha.

I closed my eyes again…

Then I opened them wide; I had just realized that it was a dream!

I don’t know if it’s the first time I have it, or if I had already done a couple of times, but it felt so familiar!

I felt peace… They say it's a good sign to dream of dead ones looking so good!

And I said a prayer for him.

Never Been Happier!!

I don’t think I can put in words, but for the sake of all the sadness on this blog, I should at least try! So excuse the incoherence and inadequate choice of words; I’m too happy to actually find the right words to describe any of it!

I knew Rasha was on to something when I saw two of my friends recently added to her list of friends. She hid the FB notification, but she couldn’t hide their becoming mutual friends from me; strangely enough, I stumbled on her profile accidentally!!!

All I wanted was to sit somewhere quiet where Rasha, D and whomever of my friends would join for a get together. I knew it was not that easy given how not all of my friends know one another and I didn’t even ask or say how it would be great. I told a couple of my friends to join so casually so that they wouldn’t feel urged to since it was my birthday and all!

I lost track of my doubts about Rasha planning something; she was really subtle, she was not too hectic or too nervous for me to tell. Actually, she was too calm and quiet and she managed to orchestrate everything and divide the distraction equally among the rest of my friends. I always thought I’d figure you out Rasha because of how nervous you get when you’re on to something!!!

Mayo & Dee called me on my way to go some scarf shopping and made me change my plans. I drove the kids home, met with the girls to do my scarf shopping, and planned to go to the hair dresser’s for some pampering! Dee claimed she needed to shop for a very specific top in order to stall, and Mayo was about to buy a hideous golden belt just to keep me distracted. We went to shops we never shop in and poor Dee actually tried on a set of hideous stuff and made me laugh until I got cramps!!!!!

Not just that, they made me try an outfit and had me buy it because it looked good on me. Mayo urged me to change into that outfit so that I’d be wearing something new on my birthday. I love the outfit and I’d wear it everyday to remind me of the evening I had!

Honestly, the girls did all they could to keep me away from Condetti until everyone was there to surprise me! They even arranged with my sis to buy me some time at home so that I won’t have to be home early. Really appreciated that!

Although I take pride in my ability to connect the dots, I must say everyone did a great job yesterday distracting me that despite all the signs I just stopped suspecting anything!

I still laugh at how I stumbled on Mayo & Dee all parked and getting out of the car to beat me to Condetti and surprise me after I had supposedly left them, yet I didn't pick on it much when Dee said she had forgotten her jacket in my car (which she did)! Or parking right behind Will’s car and thinking “doesn’t will drive a similar car?!” and then shaking it off!! 2al connect the dots 2al, ya fde7ty!

I was carrying my pillowcase of a laptop and walking into Condetti aiming for the non-smoking area when I noticed how the waiters had somehow blocked my way so that I’d head for the smoking area where almost everyone was laughing while waiting for me, (did you guys scream surprise, I honestly can’t remember!!)

I saw my sisters, D, Will, Mayo & Dee and I was shaken and shivering and mumbling stuff, I can’t really remember; all I remember is that I was actually surprised and happy!

Before I noticed, either Mayo or Dee placed the Derby Hat on my head while Will was giving me my birthday gift (thanks for the perfume, you know I love!) The moment I felt the hat on my head I asked about Rasha for I’ve been nagging for God knows how long for one!!(I wore it to work today)

I sat next to my D and my body couldn’t stop shaking from all the happiness and excitement. I never knew I could shake and shiver that way out of happiness; I have only tried it when I was angry! It feels AMAZING when you’re happy!

A while later, Rasha arrived.

I sat there feeling like I couldn’t possibly be happier!

A while later A joined and I just didn’t think he was gonna make it!!

And just as I thought that was it and was about to get comfy and adjusted to the amazing surprises, Ahmed joined!!! Now Rasha, that was beyond any expectations and I was SHOCKED, in a very good way.

I couldn’t believe how sweet and friendly Ahmed was… such a nice guy!

I kept getting hot and cold episodes which made me shiver; you see, I don’t think I am used to that much happiness!! Remembering it, I can still shiver!! A kept saying I was crazy complaining about how hot then shivering!

I ended up sitting on the couch next to D leaning on her shoulder. For a while there, I sat there and watched everyone talking, joking and laughing and I secreting wondered to myself “All those people gathered to make a remarkably good day! I must have done something amazing in my life to deserve that much effort out of each and everyone one of them” I felt loved, and it felt GREAT!

Ahmed said I should say a speech!

It couldn’t be any cheesier, but it was genuine!! Yes, I had no wishes to think of, I had all I could possibly ask for, friends who were there to make me happy and who would go to such measures to do it!

That was when each wished me something. I got sweet wishes and funny wishes, and even wishes that I was promised wouldn’t come true ;) not to mention wishes that got my sis hit!

Before Ahmed left he asked me to choose a song for him to sing me on my birthday. I had too many in mind but I thought I should ask for my “feel good song”; Somewhere Beyond the Sea. And he sang it :)

And then there was my “cake”… gardal Profitrole!!!

Rasha!! You managed to orchestrate a day made of my favorite things!!! And you had such a perfect team, even the ones who couldn’t make it were amazing.

I couldn’t be happier and I seriously couldn’t be more grateful!!

You guys are leaving me speechless!! How could I possibly do the same for you? I couldn’t possibly top what you’ve done for me even if I tried!!!!!!

I am speechless… I am happy… and I am eternally grateful…

This is by all means the best birthday I’ve ever had!

THANKS!

Grateful!

A year ago, I wished for something extraordinary for my birthday.

Throughout the year, I had one constant wish; get my divorce before I turn 28.

That was the gift May (the month) promised, and that’s the gift it delivered after too much anticipation. I am no longer his wife. Although I have not been his wife all through the past two years, it feels good to know that no law binds me to him anymore.

May also threw in another gift, my best friend D is back to Egypt for good. I can still remember August 2007 when I was crying my heart out because she was moving there for two years. It’s funny how I can almost cry again at the thought of her leaving me alone in the midst of all my drama; makes me twice as grateful that she’s back. Of course she’s still jet-lagging her brains off, but we have all the time to catch up.

For the first time in a long time I have no great wishes for my birthday, only small material ones like a pair of shoes I liked or some accessories I am too broke to spare money buying after my last online shopping spree (yes hints for my sisters)!

Otherwise, I am thankful that way!! I have no wish for ultimate happiness because I would like to believe that I have it in me to see the little happiness-es that come my way and help me through crappy days, and I am old enough to realize it counts for a lot more than a grand happiness disappearing due to a horrible tragedy.

So June, you can come peacefully without any promises of things getting better. Oh ok, promise me I won’t look 28, and neither will I look 30 in two years :)

I am still trying to figure out how I will spend tomorrow, I’m contemplating taking the day off and doing all sorts of things that randomly come to mind. I wish I could see all my friends at the same time, but my friends are too diverse to gather in one place and have fun, so I will just make myself time with each at a time... it's actually good because this way I get to expand my birthday to more than just one day ;)

Tomorrow I turn 28, and I have enough good things in my life that make up for the not so good ones!

This year, no birthday blues for a change :)

A not so welcomed déjà vu!

Listening to Nina Simone’s strong deep blue voice, I lay in bed as I try to recall the day and figure out what it was that got to me that way.

So what? I spent yet another day unable to avoid him as we took the boys to the pool. As usual, he tried to say and do all the things that he knows get under my skin and I pretended not to be bothered as I shot back my share of insults at his character. Pretty much an average Friday out with him!

I am grateful to how he keeps ensuring me that I made the right decision choosing to leave him, but I wish I never had to see him again and I honestly wish my kids didn’t need a father. I feel like I did something horrible bringing them into this world with such a person, he doesn’t deserve them or the way they love him! Touché!

I keep remembering everything trying to point my finger at what shook me so hard…

We drove by so many places that held not so pleasant memories; it made me more receptive to his attempts to ruin my mood. Or was it the other way around; perhaps he he said or did something that made me receptive to remembering all those bad memories!

He was mean to her on the phone. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for her. He said he was into someone else now, someone new! It made him see how he doesn’t want to be with her.

He made me hear him talk to her as he implied those meanings so bluntly and so coldly… and I remembered. I remembered the resemblance between the way he talked to her and the way he talked to me, I remembered.

I didn’t feel sorry for her, but I felt sorry for me, all over again! And I hated the way I felt back then, and I hate it now twice as much.

Later, on our way home he said he was not in love with the new one. He said he was drawn to her because she was “angelic” and that he knew she’d make a good wife. He said he knew he wouldn’t have her outside of a marriage. It sounded familiar.

I found myself those words when he asked me what I thought of it all “you don’t deserve angelic, if she is really as good as you say, then I hope she sees you for who you are soon enough, lest you will only ruin her chances of having a good life with someone who actually deserves her… otherwise, I just hope she’s like you”

Yeah that’s probably it; he ruined my chances as well as my kids’.

I wish him no happiness and no peace for he simply denied me mine.

One Fine Day

A couple of days ago, I posted that there were certain thing I was looking forward to and things I wished for among the Eight Tag. Little did I know that I would get some of those on the same day!!

Behold people, some joy for a change…

I took a day off, which would pretty much count as a vacation from everything. The fact that it was one day made it easier to dodge my mommy responsibilities for a while since the boys are ususally at the nursery during my working hours.

I met with Rasha, had coffee and breakfast, a few hours later, we went to the pool and spent the rest of the working day.

The hours just flew! Yet, I am grateful for every single minute…

Grateful for the time off from my daily routine…

Grateful for the early walk…

Grateful for the breeze brushing my hair and for actually releasing those curls where there was sun and air!

Grateful for Turkish coffee that helped me up all through the day…

Grateful for the tan (and I am so willing to go for more)

But most of all, grateful for the amazing company! Rasha, you ROCK!

Aaaaaand, today my car got some maintenance while I was getting mine :)

We kaman, my physiotherapist said my back was MUCH better alhamdulilah, and he actually seemed to mean it; he said it without that cynical indifferent tone of his! He said I should do more walking and go for swimming!!

Oh oh oh, and I think soon enough I will get to the whole hair-coloring thing, Rasha helped me decide on the color!

May is wrapping up nicely and sending me off to my birthday with a smile :)

I know it’s greedy, but I can’t help but hope for a good dream as I go off to bed in a while… we 3ala ra2y B “elly yela2y dala3 wala yeddala3sh….”

Anyway, sweet dreams or not, I am grateful… الحمد لله

Eight… off the top of my head!

Too many people tagged me, and I just can’t ignore it anymore!

My answers are random and in no specific order.

Knock yourselves out!


Things I’m looking forward to…

1- A vacation… not just from work, but also from all my responsibilities
2- A recovery from my disc… I can almost hear my physiotherapist’s laugh!
3- D’s return to Egypt… should have put that one first since it’s the soonest and most likely to happen :)
4- Re-decorating my room… I still haven’t gotten to that, ya mossahel!
5- The raise I was promised at work… R said it was expected by June; however, I am not sure if it really happened or it was one of my work-related dreams!
6- Meeting with some of the gals from my old work… they’re shaken up about my divorce!
7- More friends visiting from the states, and my friend from Canada…
8- Enrolling my Beem in sport/music classes or both!

Things I did yesterday

1- Took the kids to the pool with their dad… my mocha is such a kitten!
2- Held myself back from swearing at the x for bringing tanning oil instead of sunscreen for the boys!
3- Had to endure his singing along with Esseily’s new CD (what is that load of crap btw?)
4- Finally told him to stop having small talk that involved his girlfriends and acquaintances…
5- Talked to a friend… (or was that the day before??!)
6- Met with a friend… who actually made it early, luckily so did I!
7- Ate yoghurt with coconut… that’s actually something since I hate milk and I’m not a big fan of yoghurt!
8- Felt sleepy all of a sudden to the extent that I asked baby sis to come tuck me in, switch on the a/c, switch off the lights, and close the door because I could barely get out of bed!

Things I wish I could do

1- Feel fresh air brushing through my hair…
2- Travel to Turkey and Lebanon for a week and do things my way…
3- Have my own personal time to do what I want without ignoring my kids… perhaps when they grow up a bit
4- See those I love who are no longer there… I would settle for dreaming of them
5- Have the guts to color my hair!
6- Stop stress-eating
7- Walk on daily basis
8- (there is something I had in mind and I know it was BIG, only I can’t remember it! Barakatak yally fe baly!)

Shows I watch

1- Grey’s Anatomy… I HATED their season finale, makanetsh talbaha ghamm!
2- Private Practice… I don’t even want to comment on the last episode I’ve watched!
3- Frasier… I’m in S08 now and enjoying :)
4- Dirty Sexy Money… Anyone knows if there will be a S03 and when??
5- Everybody Loves Raymond… Just downloaded all eight seasons and plan on watching them once I’m done with Frasier
6- Sex and the City… I am contemplating downloading the seasons I never watched and catch up, just not sure if I want to!
7- Scrubs… I finished all eight seasons :)
8- I think that was too much TV already!

Things I like

1- Flowers… cliché I know, but I can’t help it
2- Jazz… nothing is as uplifting!
3- Hanging out with friends… best mood booster ever!
4- My boys when they’re quiet and cuddly… they’re just amazingly cute!
5- The scent of vanilla and that of Turkish coffee… that’s basically why I always have vanilla splash in my purse and must have Turkish coffee at least once a day!
6- Horses… I just can’t get over how beautiful those creatures are!
7- Movies about previous centuries, of course given that they are good productions and acting!
8- Profiterole… we ba7ebek aw ya rasha for getting me some akher marra!

Things I dislike (I decided to add that one instead of tagging eight people since everyone is being tagged... AND I had the urge to share the things I dislike that kept coming to mind while doing the tag)

1- Going to doctors’… I really like my physiotherapist but I still hate going
2- Yelling at my kids… I do that a lot recently!
3- The scent of pesticides… mama rashet 3ashan el naml!
4- Ignorance and lack of responsibility… I just came from the club and people are just… frustrating!
5- Police officers, and specifically the high-ranked pieces of shit who stand in the streets and terrorize people, 2al eh beynazamo el moroor! *insert sheteema*
6- Being asked to do favors… I believe I should do things because I feel like it, not because someone asks me!
7- Standing in lines… and I just hate when someone tries to stand in front of me, I become a complete b****
8- Family obligations… keyword “obligations” not “family”!

We kol tag wento tayebein!

On death, compassion, and things better left unsaid…

This post might make me seem heartless and cruel. Speaking about death usually makes me sound heartless and cruel, but it could have to do with my upbringing and how somehow I learned in the process that death is something we don’t talk about, it is something we should rather learn to deal with and accept, eventually. I understand it is only true as far as I am concerned and that it does not apply to other people.

Some relatively long time ago, when my nana died (Allah yer7amha), I didn’t cry because I thought it was better for her to pass away rather than live an non-dignifying life with the paralysis that left her unable to move or speak or even recognize any of us at some point. She was a strong woman who deserved to die with her pride and dignity intact, or so I believed.

Around a year after her death, my uncle (who had just turned rather a bit more religious) was talking to me about someone’s death, I don’t remember who exactly, but I remember saying that a short death is much better than a prolonged one. My uncle argued that the prolonged death is sometimes better for the person because it’s a way for them to repent and pray for Allah swt, as well as it is for those around them to earn thawab for taking care of them. He said I was blinded by my pride and life-related calculations, while the bigger picture is about humility, thawab and takfeer zonoob!

That was when I mourned my late nana (Allah yer7amha). That was when I kept praying that the suffering before her death was counted for more thawab and that all her zonoob were repented already. That was when I found myself wishing she had more humiliation in life for the sake of a better eternity. Oh well.

Still until now, death baffles me. it shocks me beyond my ability to cry and it paralyses my tongue from saying the right prayers for the people I know are dear to my heart.

Uncle A died around three years ago, I cried from the shock even though I knew he was terribly sick. I cried his loss; that such a good person was taken from such a horrible life leaving it one good person less, until I went to his wake. Seeing how strong his family was holding up, seeing how peaceful things were where he had once been, it made the peace seep through my soul. And later, I had a very good dream of him, a dream that meant a lot as my mom told me later. May he rest in peace.

Last month when Dr. Magdi died, I was shaken so hard. It was probably the shock of losing him so suddenly and unexpectedly, especially at a time when I relied on him to feel better about all that was going wrong in my life. I cried so hard -to my own surprise- over someone whom I barely knew, yet had such a positive impact on my life. I didn’t want to stop crying over him because it was the only way I could hold on to his memory; until I realized that I had special memories of him to hold on to, things I needed to remember for my own well being. And so I let him go with my prayers.

Two days ago when S passed away, it was another anticipated tragedy. She was badly sick and I knew she was dying after 5 years of fighting cancer that kept re-attacking more viciously one time after the other. I tried to use my previously learned lesson about death to not collapse or cry, I tried to find the right prayers for her, but I just couldn’t. Tears just fell silently without any control when I pictured her walking around us like she always did, right there while I was at her wake. I kept murmuring “Allah yer7amha” and I kept thinking of how amazing she was, and it made me smile even through the tears. Her strength will be missed, but her beautiful spirit will always be there in my head reminding me of all the things she used to tell me.

It could be that I lost a few good people whom I mourn on daily basis as little things in life remind me of them or when their memory just lingers in my heart. But hearing about the president’s grandson dying didn’t get to me at first. It may make me seem heartless like I mentioned, but when you had just lost an idol to death, hearing that someone you simply do not like had lost someone dear to him doesn’t touch you, you find your angry self (at death, life and all the people in it) murmuring “so what, people lose loved ones every day and they hurt and ache and their lives are forever scarred that way”.

No, I didn’t instantly feel any sympathy because in my head that man never had any sympathy for the pain people go through on daily basis; pain I can almost taste when I deal with people until I forget about it once I go by with my own daily concerns. Not to mention the agony and fear caused by the injustice and abuse that you hear of happening to othe people and thank God on daily basis that it is not yet your turn to be that kind of victim and fear the day when you will be.

Until I saw the photo, a family photo one of my FB friends posted with the little kid, the father, the uncle, and the grandparents. It completely changed how my heart felt and I instantly found myself aching. I couldn’t see people I didn’t know or care for; I saw my own son, and my parents surrounding him with their happy faces and I felt my heart clenching had it been my boy who was taken.

And that is compassion, the kind of compassion you feel without any control, the kind of compassion that makes you human, it makes you able to sympathize with people for whom you would normally feel no sympathy. The kind of compassion that makes you feel for people for their own loss rather than refrain from feeling because you’re judging them for their actions that you condone.

But like death, compassion is not something you should talk about, at least not in my book. You don’t walk around parading those human feeling you have just like you don’t walk around parading the tears you cried over a loved one lost to death. You say those things with a low tone of voice because they are supposed to come from the heart and they are not supposed to be for show; they lose their meaning that way.

So watching the Amr Adeeb segment on u-tube, the one with him urging the people to support the grieving family and reminding them of all the good that family did and make it sound like the people owed them that compassion, it made me angry. Sorry, but he was more like beating compassion out of them. Compassion is not something you feel because you’re asked to, and you never feel it out of gratitude, especially if gratitude is barely due!

To me, it sounded like nothing short of a cheap attempt to suck up by using a painful tragedy; if not, then it was just plain rude and insensitive, to all people including the president and his family; because if I were them, I wouldn’t like someone to beg others to feel sorry for my loss and support me.

I was not going to comment about that, or the tragedy of losing a grandchild for that matter out of my respect to the tragedy itself, and out of my own belief that such things are rather private.

Until I was provoked by reading an email a guy on the cultural group I’m in sent as a letter to the mourning grandfather. That letter reeked with pretense and lacks substance, and who the hell is that person and who died an made him in charge for him to say “Mr. President, I address you today not on behalf of the people but on behalf of myself, not as a citizen but as a human being…”! Speak for yourself man, and don’t trivialize other people’s feelings by implying that your words are good enough for them, especially when those words are not even proof-read!

Sometimes “el baqa2 l’Ellah” and “enna l’Ellah wa enna elayhi rage3oon” is much more eloquent than big phrases that give compassion a bad name.

Another good one gone!

She died yesterday.

Her death was not sudden; it was rather anticipated, or perhaps even awaited in hopes of her relief. The cancer had attacked again for the third time and this time it was more aggressive and vicious, and her body was already drained by the previous chemotherapy and radiotherapy to which she had been suggested the first two times around.

I called her the day I got my divorce; I was really happy and I wanted to share it with her. I knew she spent her weekends in Maadi and we’ve always said we’d meet at the weekend. Hearing her frail voice, I could say but “kont 3ayza ashoofek bas sootek ta3ban, kalemeeny when you feel better we hageelek 3ashan enty wa7shany” she responded “enty kaman ya habibty wa7shany, enty kowayesa?” I told her I was doing great, but I didn’t want to tell her the news on the phone; she would have needed to see my face to know for sure that I was ok and she sounded too exhausted.

Hanging up, I couldn’t help but cry! I mumbled something about how I don’t know if I will see her before she was gone. I am not psychic; it’s just that she was really sick.

Hearing the news today, I didn’t flinch, at least not at first. I quietly changed from white to black, dropped the kids off at the nursery, went to work and informed my boss that I’d leave for a funeral midday. I told a couple of people and I still couldn’t cry; death usually takes me some time to grasp and react.

I parked in the same street where I once visited to give her my condolences for her mother’s death. As I got off the car I saw one of the guys I worked with, I yelled his name and asked him where the mosque was, and he pointed and I went there.

My whole body started shaking when I saw the box that carried her coffin, and before I knew it, I started crying, it was as if I was seeing her for the last time, only I couldn’t. I saw Shery on the sidewalk with some other girl crying and sobbing, so I went to her, I know she’s the weaker one, I know S always worried about her and always asked me to “akhaly baly 3aleiha”. She saw me, and she collapsed in my arms and she kept saying “she’s gone” and I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

I sat there at the mosque completely out of my element; I don’t think I was even paying that much attention during dhuhr prayer or during salat el gha2eb.

S collapsed again as she saw the men carrying the coffin back to the car, I couldn’t watch I looked the other way and tried to soothe S. needless to say I failed miserably.

I didn’t know anyone but the people I worked with, I didn’t even know what her daughter looked like and I felt awkward giving her my condolences when she never met me; what would I tell her, your mom was my safety, she was an inspiration for me to be as strong as I never thought I’d be. Words would really fail to describe the things she represented to me, and words would not convey how I felt about her.

Goodbye strong one, you were a tree in every sense of the word, you stood up high for every one of us, and you were just amazing at it! You will always be remembered and missed, may you rest in peace.

Random blabber on a hectic week!

I am finishing off one hell of a crazy crazy week!

My boss told me a month ago that our company will be an exhibitor in some event and that I’d be “mas7oola” but I didn’t believe it, basically because all maters were supposedly arranged by the HO, which made it seem like all I had to do is dress up and look pretty! But Nooooooo!

Luckily I had a good Saturday afternoon to prepare me for that, I met up with Slop, Sou, IQ and Ma 3alina and actually had the healthiest meal until today!

So back to the madness; here are some quick and random stuff from the week…


Guys do PMS! I don’t care how many guys out there will yell at me for it, but dudes, FACE IT! You do PMS on regular basis, or as Mayo says “between each cigarette and the other”! The scary part is that you do it without our “crazy hormones”! You think you have God’s given right to lose your temper just because you’re “under stress”, which is by the way the same kind of stress people around you are dealing with! That’s what I had in mind when my colleague was behaving like a total prick; I wanted to tell him “ma testargel showaya” but I realized it would give him more right to whine and bitch without trying to actually fix things! Anyways, I gave it to him bad, real bad. That’s what one gets for giving me the wrong kind of treatment. PMSing dudes, you’ve been warned.


Walking in Nasr City malls with a Gulfie man is not something any woman should do, especially if we’re asking for table cloth at shops that sell newlyweds kinda stuff. VERY BAD IDEA! I realized that when I got “the look”; it was awkward and very embarrassing that I asked my colleague to wait in the car and let me handle things! And dear fellow Egyptians, you really have it in you to behave like pimps, more than you would like to admit!


VIPs are overrated. If I am to develop any prejudices, I would make it about VIPs or hotshots, and especially the people who follow them around and make such a big fuss about their presence; they make you forget that they’re just humans! THEY ARE HUMANS. Sadly, we make strong symbols out of them and associate mostly negative feelings to them because no one hates to feel unimportant, yet we all do in comparison.


On the other hand, there are people who work with/for those hotshots who are as sweet and decent as you may never really guess. I have managed to talk to about 4 of those and I got better treatment than I expected. I realize they were mostly nice to me because my name was associated with my boss’s and he’s one popular man (whom I am crazy about). Nonetheless, some people can still be stiff and arrogant, those people simply were not!


Oh, and did I mention, my boss is such an amazing man, and for that I am eternally grateful. He makes sure I am not being abused by my colleagues, he gives me credit for everything I do, and he thanks me for it. I guess this sort of makes up for the rotten deal I got on the husband! Oh, I meant X-husband ;)

I am proud of my Kov ;)

And that guy from last week’s audit emailed me yesterday thanking me for my great assistance! I was really grateful someone was that nice! Does that by any chance mean that I have become cynical due to being taken for granted and subjected to emotional abuse?


Yesterday, the physiotherapist said my back seemed significantly better, despite the exhaustion, the leg crossing, and the painful heels!!! He said I needed to do my exercises more seriously though because my muscles are still too weak! And who falls asleep during a session, certainly not an insomniac! Anyways, disc or not, I think my pain has to do with my mood; yesterday I was dead tired but generally in a good mood and there was no pain; however, today, the x managed to piss me off and before I knew it I was stress-eating and my back was killing me!


Finally, I outed myself on FB today… this is how my status message reads “…is divorced and for whatever it's worth, there are no negative feelings associated except for the waste of 9 good years! so yes, divorced and proud of it, so to speak!”


And now, I go home and sleep!

A Quick Reflection…

Yesterday, I decided to go to bed really early since I have one hell of a busy week ahead of me. I normally don’t have any before-bedtime rituals, but for some reason I lingered in front of my dresser.

Something about my messy curls made me decided to take a longer look and fix my hair. Untying my hair band I didn’t feel like brushing the curls loose, so I just fixed it with my hand and kept observing my face.

I looked different… I admit I had a glow about me, a glow I haven’t seen in such a long time!

For the first time in years, I looked at my face and felt pretty! I liked how almost round my face looked although round is not how anyone would describe my face. I liked how especially pink my cheeks were even though I blush as a reflex action to happiness, anger, excitement, heat, embarrassment, and you name it! Most of all, I liked how bright and shiny my eyes were.

Yes, despite all the inconveniences and my childish reaction towards them, I had it in me to be happy!

I washed my face, prayed, and jumped into bed.

Although my body was beat, my spirit was rather too high for me to fall asleep right away.

Without noticing, I found myself daydreaming… and that was when it hit me! I don’t even remember the last time I daydreamed!!! ME! I usually daydream 3ala roo7y!! That was when I realized that I have been swallowed up in all the stress, anxiety and drama to the extent that my subconscious gave up on daydreaming and crippled my imagination.

A big smile made its way to my face, visions of people and places kept flowing through my mind so smoothly; millions of happy scenarios and millions of imaginary possibilities that somehow made my spirit calm as if some invisible arms were holding me safe. And before I knew it, I was sound asleep, no insomnia!

I can hear my cynical self telling me I am digging my own grave with all those dreams; building up expectations and hopes over things that I can’t control! Who cares, I am happy for now, and as for my daydreams, nothing is carved on stone here.

And I'm Feeling Good!

I am free

And I'm Feeling Good

الحمد لله

I was granted the divorce.

I still can’t find the words to describe my happiness, but I assure you all, I AM HAPPY :)

I thought i'd be able to say all the words that would describe how I feel, but all I can say now, is I am free, I am happy, alhamdulilah :)

ALHAMDULILAH

Allahuma eg3aloh kheir…

I went to bed after midnight.

I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.

I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.



I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.

I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)

So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.

I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.

I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!

That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.



Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.

My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.

Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!

eh el suspense da!

I just called my dad...

He said I won't know until tomorrow because they announce the verdict after all sessions scheduled for today, and that it won't be public until tomorrow morning when he sends someone to check it.

Alternatively, I could drive to el tgamo3 el khames and wait until they finish sessions and wait up hoping they would actually tell me.

I feel like crying... oh, and my back is KILLING ME... I think I got too tense to the extent that I heard a cracking sound...

All I want now is to go home and sleep it all off until someone finds out and wakes me; I just can't stand the anxiety anymore!

El Sabr!

Pretending not to count the minutes!

Today is the ruling on my divorce case, the verdict of the appeal for which there was a hearing last February. No closings and no words to be said, not even lawyers to attend; the verdict will just be written somewhere and my dad will have someone read it and tell him on the phone.

I have been counting down the days, but now I can’t seem to be able to count the hours or the minutes for I have no idea at what time I will be getting the news.

Waking up today, I didn’t even want to leave bed or go to work. I wished I could sleep off the whole day until they’d wake me up to tell me. I wanted to tell them to never wake me if I did not get the divorce. But I have work to do, work that can’t be postponed.

I’m scared…

What if the judge is too prejudiced against divorce?

What if the judge decided I am just another spoilt brat who does not deserve to be granted her freedom like the one before him did?

What if he believed that having kids is a good enough reason to stay in a dead-end marriage with a husband who for all the judge knows did not try to reconcile since the first ruling?

I am scared…

I don’t want one more hour of my life wasted, not that I have a clue what to do with my life once this is over. I have spent enough time without making any plans for when it’s over because I was afraid it would keep dragging and those plans would keep falling apart.

Through the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to distract myself by doing all sorts of things I wouldn’t normally do. I actually had my back pain checked to think of something other than the tiring anticipation, I go to the physiotherapy session to drown the pain I have in my head by the pain my muscles.

Meanwhile, his attitude is keeping me worried; he subtly hints that it won’t be over yet, he hints it with a sure tone that shakes me so hard as I try to control my facial reactions. He tries every worn out tactic to get under my skin, and I’m ashamed he succeeds although I am aware of those tactics.; he just knows too much about the memories I try so hard not to remember.

I just want that chapter of my life over and done with so that I can put all those bad memories in a box, lock the damn box and burry it somewhere, and throw the key somewhere else, and never find either again.

I am scared the judge won’t end that chapter today.

يا رب

The obscene post…, aw bema3na assa7, el post el abee7!

This is the first post I ever write with the intent of being obscene. Usually, people who know me say I sound funny when I curse, and they have seen first hand how I can’t contain laughter when people start using language in front of me. My sisters on the other hand are more used to my aba7a and it sort of offends them when I am angry and cursing, this is one of those times!

And here is why...

I drive be adab and I got 1160 EGP mokhalfat, while everyone I know who does all sort of mokhalfat got less than 50 EGP!!!! Mesh moshkela, zeka 3an se7ety el kharbana….

Laken da keteer…

Ya3ne ya welad el *teeeeet* I lived in maadi all my f***in’ life, even school and college were in maadi, even my first years of marriage were in maadi, I only moved out of it for the worst three years of my marriage!!!

You do not even know which moroor I belong to with my zamalek address, some say 3ataba and some say boulaq… we sanya wa7da ba2a, eh elly gab el zamalek le esm asr el neel le boulaq wala el 3ataba ya bahayem ya welad el bahayem!!!

We ghayartelko om el zeft el 3addad we ba2aly esboo3 mesh baroo7 el zeft el shoghl because I am pre-occupied with all the shit in my life on top of which my almost expired car registration! And I actually went with my smiling decent attitude despite how exhausted i was, only to be told I should use that document to change my ID address to Maadi, i got over my embarrassment and explained that I can’t change my ID back to maadi because there is a zeft ongoing divorce case for the last two years and that ba2aly sanateen back in my original residence!!!!!!!

And ok, I get that there are rules and order and that they’re there for a reason, bas seriously ba2a, *TEEEEEEEEEEET*, the f***in’ rules only apply on people like me who respect them, but those who ignore and defy them get away with it!!!!

The x, who happens to claim that he has license plates of mokhabarat (aslan the fact that such thing exists is appalling) did not know how to drive when he had his driver’s license… yeah motawaqa3 eno bel wasta, bas 3ala fekra ba2a makanetsh wasta; it was in exchange of two packs of Viagra (3ameto mowazafet wezaret el se77a el mo7tarama wakhdahom tazbeet men mandoob mabe3at Pfizer so that Pfizer would get chosen on another drug deal) and some sexual performance enhancing vitamins!!!! Which concludes that mowazafeen el moroor are basically some impotent bastards who abuse drugs!

And FYI, I did earn my friken diver’s license because my righteous dad refused to call any of his friends since he believes that people’s lives (whom I might jeopardize if I drive without knowing how) are worth a lot more than the hours I’d spend in el moroor sweating my heart out! And I f***in’ drive better than nos regallet masr awelhom el *teeet* betoo3 el moroor elly *teeet*

Asfa geddan 3al aba7a, I will probably delete this post once I read it after I calm down and feel extremely ashamed of myself!!!

Therapy Reflections

I was filling an application orally; I instinctively said “divorced” when asked about my marital status! El farag men 3andak YA RABBBB

While asking me to fill the rest of the application, the doctor couldn’t contain the surprise when he knew I was a mother of two; he said I was too young. It felt great to hear that. I said I was old enough to be a mother of two, he re-checked my birth date and insisted that I was young. I never think I look young but I just love hearing it! (I have issues that way)

The session was painful, to both my body and my mind. I never had that kind of therapy before and I didn’t really know what to expect. I didn’t acknowledge any of the physical pain I was feeling because I was trying to process whether it’s normal and expected to feel that way, or was it because I was sick, or was I just being a sissy!

“are you ok in there?” he asked, he was certain I was in pain

“no, it kinda hurts” I said, then I paused to reluctantly add “awy!!”

I don’t know… I sensed relief in his tone as I showed him where I was hurting, as if he thought it was strange that I didn’t scream in pain as expected. I didn’t want to scream in pain, I felt it, I screamed so loud in my head, but I contained it. I think my stubbornness to acknowledge the pain (as my friend refers to it) made him push harder.

He said my body was too weak, that particular area that hurt.

I don’t know, call me vain, but I always considered myself physically strong. I was brought up like a guy; my dad would sort of wrestle, and he used to have me carry my own luggage and help him with his as well as everyone else’s whenever we traveled.

Being told my body was too weak, I was reminded of the other two times I felt inadequate that way, the other two times when I felt my body failed me… pregnancy and labor. I was instantly reminded of my helplessness during the end of my pregnancy, and my crying in the hospital bed because I hated the pain and I hated having to feel it.

“relax, don’t resist and don’t help, just let go and relax”

I laughed… if only it were up tom me!

Would someone bother explaining!

So I already realize people do not respond to me and that I am not in charge of making sure they behave up to my liking.

That being said, would anyone care to explain the following so that I’d stop obsessing and move on…


First, here are the facts that apply to me…


I do not know how to ask for favors, and even if I did, I HATE it… it’s really hard to ask favors even from those I love and cherish…

When my friends, even those who are not close enough ask for favors, I automatically do them without even recognizing them as favors; I only recognize them that way because it’s the word they use when they ask for stuff. I personally don’t believe that I am capable of favors; they are usually trivial stuff I think anyone other than me can do, so why not do them as long as they’re not much trouble for me, I am not a hero!

As for those I do not like, they are more or less eliminated from my calculations when I want stuff; I only think of whatever obstacles they might cause out of their utter dislike of me. Bottom line, I make sure I burn bridges with those I don’t like at all, and I am hundred percent sure I will never look back and wish I hadn’t; I am not a believer of “اللي ماتحتاجش اناهردة وشه، يمكن بكره تحتاج قفاه”, I’d rather die before it happens actually!

It goes without saying that I do not expect those I don’t like to ask favors of me; it doesn’t even cross my mind that it’s possible that someone who is aware of my dislike of him/her would be that delusional to think that not only am I willing to talk to them, but also I’d be willing to go out of my way to do something for them!!


Now, explain that to me…


How could people do all the things, the wrong things that would put me in the place where they are eliminated as explained above, yet have the nerve to ask favors of me!!!

Yes, I can understand that they might not like me yet have it in them to ask something of me… ok, not really understand it, but at least I know it’s possible to happen since people don’t have to do by my own code of ethics.

But to have already burnt most of the bridges, and to have done that knowingly, and then ask for things that require me to pretend nothing ever happened, and act like my usual decent and nice self (kinda), that’s beyond my understanding!!!!


The reason I am wondering...


He called saying he wants to take me and the boys to his family in Zamalek on Friday to celebrate his aunt’s birthday which is one day before Mocha’s. That way, he’d be giving them a chance to be there for Mocha’s birthday since as assumed they’re not on the invitee’s list (he barely made it himself), and to make it look like he could make me forget about the grudge I have for being kicked out and testified against!!

I just can’t believe the nerve, and neither can I find the right words to insult him for such request, which was by the way proposed as a suggestion!!!!! THE NERVE!!!

Overrated…

He said “you don’t get it, it’s not my place to make any decisions; if you think about it, nothing is up to me to do for the time being”

I said “I understand, strangely enough, it is my decision but I can’t seem to make anything happen, at least not to my liking!”

He laughed “my point exactly!”

I said nothing.

I hate it when someone is that right...

I hate it even more when I am finally capable of making up my mind only to be forced to keep it to myself until it’s time.

B tells me I should learn to be patient and that patience is my ultimate lesson if anything!

B tells me to stop rushing everything and learn to sit back and live each day at a time instead of wasting my present hoping for a future that may not bring me the happiness I anticipate.

B tells me to pray for whatever is good for me and to not label it because we humans never really know what’s best for us.

B is my Zen master, my religious friend who always sets me straight when my faith weakens.

B is also right!

Problem is...

It’s much simpler for everyone to see how all I can and should do is let go, have faith and stop trying to define and understand things that are just beyond me.

All of a sudden, I have to fight my nature of trying to make sense of everything and accept the life I never really owned until so recently only to find it already a mess I cannot seem to set straight!

If I were watching a movie, I’d feel sorry for the lead actress, but in real life, I resent self pity and it makes me want to struggle harder to do the exact things I should not be doing.

My only alternative otherwise is to stop wanting to live, lose hope and wait for the day I die; because waiting for the day you live is just like waiting for the day you die, only dying is more guaranteed.

All I want to is to live, doing a few of the things I want so that when my time comes I can say I did at least one thing my way! But it looks like living is a luxury I simply can’t afford, and ironically, neither can I afford dying!

I hope B is not reading this; he’d be disappointed at me for not living up to my potential!! Turns out that my potential is among the rest of the things that are simply overrated!

Can I sleep all this out?

Will you wake me up when it’s my birthday to remind me that one more year was wasted for the sake of God knows what! Just if you do, tuck me back in to sleep off one more year. After all, what's a year? Only another thing that's overrated.

This is what I'm singing to myself...

The Details in the Fabric

Calm down...

Deep breaths...

And get yourself dressed... instead Of running around

And pulling all your threads saying

Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it

If it's a broken heart then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your own name

And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine

Hang on... Help is on the way

Stay strong... I'm doing everything

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine

Everything...

Are the details in the fabric

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow

Hell, no reason, go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Everything...

Hold your own

And know your name

And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)

Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)

Hell no reason go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold

Amen!!