Trouble in mind…*

Trouble in mind, I'm blue...

Too much of that in my poor head; thoughts that battle with me one after the other, they mingle and tangle until I’m too tired to take any of them or figure them apart one at a time!

Trouble in mind, that's true
I have almost lost my mind,
Ain't never had so much
Trouble in my life before

In a futile attempt I try to trace everything back to where it began, hoping that by doing so I’d be able to understand, and perhaps find much needed solutions. Unfortunately, it’s too far behind; so I just take the lead from the here and now.

I am a 28-year old single mom who is basically judged by her own family whether they admit to it or not. Until now, my parents try to dodge being asked about my marital status and when they’re left with no choice but admitting it, they say it in a low tone of voice and while looking away! Instead of being referred to as the rebel and the trouble maker like before, I am rather the failure or the shameful disappointment, although they acknowledge and explain that it was the best thing to do!

My motherhood is questioned each and every day, not just by me, but by those who should know better about my needs and know nothing about motherhood! I mean, my dad’s job was to provide, I’m grateful he did more than that and shaped us in a way my mom would have never been able to… but I provide too, and I try to find the patience and the energy to shape my boys, problem is, I am still not exactly shaped myself!!! Ma, I… well… I see mothers in a lot of other women her age, but in her; I saw it in my late nana (Allah yer7amha), I saw it in S (Allah yer7amha), I see it in so many of my tants who perhaps think I am an ungrateful daughter because she complains all the time and because I get hurt silently and let my pride handle it by walking away. My sisters know nothing of responsibilities and living up to them; they want to chase their own butterflies, but they just don’t get that I was denied chasing mine. I am not envious, but they don’t get to tell me I should spend more time being a mother, because may be I need the previous butterfly-chasing experience to be a mom, and until they're better mothers themselves, they should just stop with the insulting advice and implications.

I did marry too young. I thought marrying someone for love would be the best way to escape all the control and suffocation at home and have a lifelong companion with whom I could just live my youth before I settle and build the family. It never happened, not for long enough anyways, because unlike me, he wanted to live up to whatever this society dictated, and well, we react differently, and his reaction sucked big time. Unfortunately, it gravely affected my life and changed it beyond any attempts to undo the change!

I wish I could just explain that forcing me to grow up will not make me a grown up, at least not as gracefully as I would like! But hey, everyone knows much better about that, even those who never even tried on my shoes! The arrogance! Why do I have it in me to listen to those who choose to block their ears to my explanations?!

I still can’t believe I’m 28! I still feel like 19 most of the time; my dreams since then never exactly came to reality; not that I want the same dreams, but I lack the fulfillment of having changed my mind because I chose to, rather than adjusted to the changes that took over my life.

I have the remains of a teenage-anger and the need to go all over the place and make things happen. I have a dreamer who’s constantly being told it’s too late to dream and it’s time to check in with reality and do as requested. The free spirited rebel refuses those words but it’s tied down and has nothing to show but anger and resentment.

Trouble in mind, I'm blue
But I won't be blue always…

But then, the optimist in me keeps repeating that all can be done; all can be achieved given time and patience.

I so want to believe it because otherwise, I will just lose… lose all the losses I have already lost over and over again!

'Cause the sun's gonna shine
In my backdoor some day.

In the midst of all my thoughts, I realize that tears are overflowing from my eyes like they haven’t in a long time. I touch my eyes and my face in the dark, and I pat my own cheeks as I whisper “it will be ok, it will be ok… no, it won’t be ok… but you will be ok, you will be ok”

Well it's trouble, oh trouble,
Trouble on my worried mind…
When you see me laughin',
I'm laughin' just to keep from cryin'

I keep telling myself “you’ll be ok, you’ll be ok”

'Cause the sun's gonna shine
In my backdoor some day.

* Song Tribute: Trouble in Mind by the amazing Nina Simone; I couldn’t find the version I have with all the lyrics on utube, but this is the one with the best piano by Nina, do check it out; it’s inspiring!

A Musical Week…

Sunday – I visited an old childhood friend with another childhood friend visiting from Canada. I was mostly silent while driving sinking in my own thoughts and moving my lips along with Fayrouz’s album Wala Kif (Ziyad Rahbany is GENIOUS). When I went home and logged on, I found a friend of mine had sent me this song!

انا مش فارس ولا فتى احلام
انا زحمة وربكة وشغل جنان
نصى بيضحك والتانى زعلان
انا شيخ فلتان
طيب شرير وجرىء وجبان
اوقات مشرق واوقات بهتان
وساعات سلم وساعات تعبان
مفترى جدا وكمان غلبان
شبابيك وبيبان توهه عنوان
انا من الاخر عفريت لابس بدلة انسان

It doesn’t speak for me really, but I liked something about it nonetheless, ok, the lyrics, the voice is not even remotely nice!!

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Monday – once I went to work, I downloaded that song into the music file where I keep the songs that friend sent me, and glancing at those songs, I decided to re-listen to Supergirl! I didn’t remember being impressed by it, but somehow it made sense; after all, I am a supergirl :)

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Tuesday – Roosh sent me four songs composed by Marcel Khalife and sung by Omayma. I already knew two of them; Ana ra7 sammeik and Love you more, they are two of my favorites actually, and I just loved the other two; Bekteblak and Ejta7. It just took me back to the oriental mood. On my way back Safer ghareeb el dar played and my heart lingered on this verse…

يا سكة الأحلام، يا مغلبة روحي
اشكيكي للأيام، ولا اشتكي روحي
علمت قلبي يميل، للحب و المواويل
و حلمت حلم جميل بالجنة و أنا في النار

I shared the song and the lyrics with my music companion whom I know is a sucker for lute music.



Wednesday – I went to a stationary store for an errand, and I found that handmade wooden lute; it reminded me of my friend and Ziyad Sahhab. I bought the wooden lute went back to the office and kept playing his album.

Then I went to Puccini’s La Boheme at Cairo Opera House, on my own. I sat there in the balcony, closest to the stage where I could see the orchestra. It was overwhelming! I was mostly taken by soprano voices especially that no tenor is as good as Bocelli, as good as the lead tenor was!! I barely followed the translation, I was mostly taken by the orchestra. I don’t walk around with a camera, so my mobile shots shall do!

Then Ziyad Sahhab took me home with more of Negm’s lyrics, which baba seemed to have liked as I picked him on my way home.

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Today – My music companion sent me Chaza for Marcel Khalife, just violins, my favorite. WOW. My heartbeats are still racing, and every time I play it, I just have this “fear” that it would end!!!! What can I say, violins do that to me!!

I will drive to el Ein el Sokhna with the girls after work, and although I would willingly play any of the masterpieces I listened to through the week, I’d like suggestions people… you must have figured out the things I liked.

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God bless music, and of course those who make it, and perhaps even those who share it too :)

To my Jazzy Friend ;)

Since I just realized that I won’t have enough motivation to wake up that early, not even on working days, I decided to dedicate that song to you; you love Billy, no?

In small cafes (too)…

In quiet streets with old artistic buildings and broken sidewalks…

In every lovely winter’s day, when the sky is clear and the sun is warm…

Until I see you again, I’ll be seeing you :)

Music IS good for the soul, at least my soul…

I can’t say it took away all the feelings from yesterday and sent them to oblivion; they’re still inside waiting for a bluer day to haunt me, but until then…

This will ease my soul a bit…

I found it when I learned that it’s the original Portugese version of Shu Bkhaf, to which I’ve been nostalgic since yesterday…

Thank God for music, and THANK GOD it still works for me!!!

Mesh 3arfa!

I sat there all alone pretending to be someone else…

I had a strong urge to be anyone but myself if I was to sit and relive those memories in order to write about them; it felt like it would be easier to remember bad things as if they happened to someone else…

But I couldn’t…

I referred to each memory as mine, and every time I came close to digging it all up, I found myself revisiting recent memories that only occurred because of old ones…

And it kept hitting me that right there, as different as I looked, I was still the same person from whom I was running away… yes, I’ve changed a bit, inside and out, but change does not make you a different person…

I felt alone.

I looked around me, took deep breaths, and tried to write it down, but I kept getting stuck at the same point…

Do you ever go back to a turning point in your life and wonder if you chose the road not taken? Usually, when I do that, it’s does not bring regret or a futile wish that time would go back so that I’d redo things differently… but today it felt like it, it was overwhelming, and my mind kept resisting my attempts to remember…

I tried and I tired, and each time my mind resisted even more stubbornly…

It scared me that I just couldn’t do what I planned on doing… I could see how my mind tried every defense mechanism it knows and it scared me because it only meant something hurts in there and I was getting closer, and worse, I am not ready to feel that kind of pain…

I am the kind who would pour salt on old wounds just to make sure they’re dead tissue and they no longer hurt, but today, I felt too overwhelmed, I felt too alone to handle it on my own and I just found myself letting them be and I decided to distract myself…

After spending around an hour and a half in my own mind, I decided to leave my Pandora’s box unopened for a few more days, and I got in my car…

I drove in the direction of Kattameya road because I didn’t want traffic. I drove and I drove, and I let music play…

I made it until 90 kilometers to Sues and then I started looking for a u-turn, not because I wanted to go home, but rather because I needed to be home before 10 if I am to avoid an unnecessary fight with my dad…

This played…

"انت تمل، و راسي يدور... تقوم تفل، و بحالي دور... دموعي تكل، تعدي بحور... و انت بعيـــــد"

Feels like I’ve always been stuck there, always will be, I can see it, smell it, and feel it… and it hurts... and ana kaman bammel… I am tired and bored from that feeling I get when I am unable to let my thoughts out…

I feel crippled… paralyzed…

I am not sad; I am just utterly confused and lost in my own thoughts and attempts to figure myself out… I am not in peace with myself and it’s driving me mad…

I am waiting for my mood to change; this is when being moody is a blessing…

I want…

I almost never begin a sentence with “I want…”; I always say “I don’t want…” and find ways to imply what I want rather than stating it, possibly because I am never that certain about what I want the way I am about what I don’t. Duh.

Mmm, today I had a strong feeling that I wanted something as I was listening to Aznavour’s album Duo in all French, English and Spanish/Italian with other famous singers and staring at my computer screen. For a split second, my surroundings changed and I saw nothing around me but an opera theatre and the two singers going about with that song that shook every nerve!

Less than a minute later, as I was sipping my green jasmine tea (I am taking it easy with the coffee, Ramadan preparations), I saw myself with a blurry yet friendly face in a café at some European country sipping coffee and having a conversation.

I smiled… I still don’t know what caused those images that flashed in my head so vividly! All I could think of was that I wanted those images to be real! Et voila, I am writing them down for my own reference; let it be a record of me knowing something that I actually want.

I want to attend a music concert at the opera, I can even settle for Cairo Opera House, but I need one of those magnificent performances that shake my entire existence. I am not that impossible; any language will do… of course a Bocelli Opera Night would be miraculous. Yeah, big hopes!

I want to travel, with friends. I want to see different places and live according to my own schedule for a short while… I won’t be picky about the where, and I am flexible about the who because between myself and I, all my friends are amazing that way.

See, not picky at all! I think I used to be too picky because I never thought any of my dreams would come true so I pretended to mean to make it impossible! Now that I have touched some of my dreams, I think I should just make it easier…

I’ll go to my dream land now… perhaps I will update that post with more things to want, but hopefully, I will one day write a new post about how I got the things I wanted ;)

And I'm Feeling Good!

I am free

And I'm Feeling Good

Allahuma eg3aloh kheir…

I went to bed after midnight.

I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.

I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.



I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.

I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)

So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.

I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.

I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!

That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.



Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.

My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.

Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!

This is what I'm singing to myself...

The Details in the Fabric

Calm down...

Deep breaths...

And get yourself dressed... instead Of running around

And pulling all your threads saying

Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it

If it's a broken heart then brace it

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your own name

And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Everything will be fine

Hang on... Help is on the way

Stay strong... I'm doing everything

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine

Everything...

Are the details in the fabric

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling?
Are the things that make you blow

Hell, no reason, go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing.

Yeah everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Everything...

Hold your own

And know your name

And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic

Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)
Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)

Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)

Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)

Hell no reason go on and scream

If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way) of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold

Amen!!

On a day that tried all it could to be a good one…

Yesterday was such a strange day!

From 6 am to 6 pm it spelled trouble all over the place to the extent that I had decided to call it a day and sulk in bed as I waited for the day to end.

Luckily Mayo made it better by joining me on a Riff Band night at Sa2yet el Sawy…

The band played all my personal favorites, almost all of them, and I mean stuff I secretly hoped I'd listen to!!!! I only didn’t know two songs or something, and I enjoyed all of it despite my blue mood and the backache that was making it a bit painful to move with the music.

Later, Mayo made me smile even more with all the stuff she said even after I was home, and I got the chance to chat a bit with a friend. It’s fair to say the day ended nicely that way.

Even after I fell asleep, I could feel my mom getting into the room to make sure the kids and I were tucked in bed. For the first night in God knows how long, I didn’t overhear her cursing at me during my sleep; instead, I heard prayers!!

It really felt like the day was trying to make up for the mess-ups but I guess I was just too jaded…

Nonetheless, I feel grateful in a way, even for the strangeness!

I could listen to this all day!

I first listened to this song when I watched Love Actually. I like this version from the movie better than the original one with the perky guitar; I feel it, I relate.

I give you Joni Mitchell's Both Sides Now.

Bows and flows of angel hair
and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere,
i've looked at cloud that way.

But now they only block the sun,
they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done
but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real;
i've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show.
you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know,
don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud
to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
i've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads,
they sayI've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained
in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

P.S.: Looks like this will be a radio station until I figure out a way to let it out!

And when the anger subsides...

this is exactly how I feel; every note and every word. I feel tired, I feel old, and I feel sad. I don't know if it's causing my anger or caused by it, but I know it's how I feel now.

I will bounce back, I always do...

Until then, enjoy the music!

Theme: Randomness

For those who actually enjoy my incoherence…


Seven years ago, my late nana (Allah yer7amha) died on the same day. I say a little prayer for her with every time I wrote today’s date on a piece of paper or every time I come to think of today’s date. Neina, Allah yer7amek, wa7shany awy.


I woke up today in the itching mood of Vaya Con Dios, specifically I Don’t Want to Know. I was shocked to find that my music file at work did not include any of their songs so I downloaded the whole discography only to listen to my favorites. Until the download was complete I listened to Hanine’s version of Fareed’s Ya Zahratan Fe Khayaly. Those words speak for me like no other.


He keeps calling. Apparently he’s really bummed about everything in his life and he’s under the strong impression that I’m the only one he got! I am not happy with that but I am not able to hurt him because apparently his grandma is in such a bad shape and I am not cruel enough to hit someone so beaten up about life already. I keep telling myself that once on his feet, he’ll soon hurt me twice as hard; it’s what he does and I’d be stupid to think that a short moment of remorse can change who he is. I am starting to think of a smart way to set him straight; give him my dad’s strict conditions of having me back (and OH they are dead STRICT), but I feel ethically challenged since I have no intention to live up to my end of the bargain if he lives up to his. Why am I so ethical? I blame my dad.


I have so many plans I should mark in my calendar of people with whom I want to meet and catch up. My boss from my old work for next Thursday, and my friend from the same place for next Saturday, and I’m sure there are things I am forgetting! Oh, I must call H and see her, it’s been a while; still there is something I’m missing!


I don’t know what it is with you, but every time I try to be just nice or I don’t know more me, I find myself blurting out nothing but sarcasm! Ok, I know it’s a defense mechanism, but I thought I was over that with you; only it gets even harder to control. I hate it because this is not how I want to act around you and I hate it because I’m afraid you’re attributing it to the wrong reasons. May be it’s best to keep that distance.


I want a quiet evening in a night landscape with nothing but the moon and the stars in the velvet sky and perhaps some good music. I don’t want people and I am not sure about the company yet. The really sad part is even if I was granted that ambience; my restless nature would have me bored in less than 30 minutes. I’m pathetic!


I also wanna take the kids out and have fun, but they’re too crazy and chaotic and I am too tired to handle them without having a nerve blown out or something.

On the very same note though, yesterday I held both of them as I sat on the couch in the living room (I barely ever get out of my room), and I read them those three little books my sis wrote. My Beem just loves that character and I keep using it to make him do things (evil), but it was him who made me think of it when he said “mommy ana 3ayez aghsel senany zay boxa”


I’m overspending these days. The scary part is that I am a bit low on cash and using my credit card. I know I will have to deal with the consequences but I feel too stressed to start caring.


My mom seems to want me out of the house at any expense. She deliberately gives out instructions of the most disgusting food to be cooked. My parents were in Alexandria for the weekend and they returned late last night; still, Kaware3 was yesterday’s dish! EWWW I mean seriously EWWWWW, it ruined my apetite to walk in the kitchen and see that cooking!! I ended up eating salad from Pizza Hut followed by a muffin from Costa with my dearest The Caller. I want good food ba2a, and I hate home delivery, so they either start cooking real food or let me go dine out without calling me to yell!


I’ve been sitting on my desk all day juggling tasks. During the past four hours I’ve wanted to go boil some water and dump the noodles in it and have a snack to stop my stomach from growling, but something keeps coming up! I’m going home in less than 15 minutes now. Ooh, I’m so hungry that I actually feel sick; nonetheless, I keep getting cravings of Feta cheese & tomato or tuna & corn. It’s only good because I can totally settle for either if they all there was at home were yesterday’s kaware3.


Ok, I should go home now. Good day everyone.

Party Pooper

Today I was out with a friend having fun, pure absolute fun after such a disturbingly annoying day with the x checking out schools. I got my end-of-the-week treat; I was sitting in a chair listening to all my favorite oldies brilliantly performed. Some of the songs brought back memories to which I am nostalgic, I closed my eyes and smiled as I put those memories back to where they belong. My whole body was moving with the same rhythm as the music, I sang along at the top of my voice and no one could hear (luckily), I clapped and cheered so loud until my hands hurt and my voice faded! I was genuinely happy.

My friend and I left so that we can go home before we get in trouble, which is sad since we’re both above 25, VERY SAD. Nonetheless, we both found solace in knowing that we had a real good time and that for the hour we spent, neither of us had time to think of our crappy dramas and got to live a life we never really had anywhere beyond our dreams, fair enough, or so we contently compromised.

Until that call!

“Enty fein le7ad delwa2ty? Enty 3arfa el sa3a kam? Da kalam?” and BAAAMM hung up!

Seriously, this is unfair!! I will turn 28 in June, and it wasn’t even 10 yet!!! 10 people!

And my mood was dramatically changed, in those few seconds it took to end that call, how sad is that, how depressing!

I felt like crying. My good mood was snatched from me so abruptly, the sudden switch of moods had a shocking effect that made me wanna curl and cry.

How cruel, how insensitive!

I really needed that evening out; it’s been a while since I went out on a music night and I reeeaaallllly needed the feeling I get after those. The music just makes me forget all about my problems and my issues and I heal for as long as I’m listening, and I know I can willingly go back to my daily fights and struggles without complaining knowing that I lived those few moments. Why is it too much to ask? Is that so horrible?!

I know it’s useless to try and explain that to my caller, or the person who had him make the call. I know it will be a waste of my breath because even if I managed to get my point through, they will still find ways to make me seem irresponsible and selfish and whatever other labels they will feel like using. So as always, the silent treatment is the way to go; long live passive aggression!

Now that I’ve ranted, I will go to bed trying to remember the thoughts and feelings I had as the music was playing and just dwell in them hoping they’ll visit me in my dreams more vividly.

Goodnight.

I'm in Love!

I don’t know what it is that’s gotten to me; but I know for sure it’s not the cheap valentine crap. This song speaks to the romantic in me, everything in it; the lyrics, the music and I am just taken by Andrea’s singing and his tender voice. It’s like I’m in another world, made of nothing but clouds and floating musical notes, only for me! Enjoy…

Bésame Mucho*

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Quiero tenerte muy cerca
Mirarme en tus ojos
Verte junto a mi
Piensa que tal ves mañana
Yo ya estaré lejos
Muy lejos de ti

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

*Lyrics and Translation

I think there is nothing left to say...

Tagged by Deeeeeee

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes/music player on Shuffle,
2. For each question, press the next button to get you answer,
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT!!

After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do them themselves.

[if D couldn't help not commenting, I doubt I could!!]

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Non, Je ne Regret – Edit Piaf
[hehe, I like the sound of that]

2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Lose Yourself - Eminem
[I didn’t even know I had that!! Ooo my kids are dancing to it!!]

3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
The End of a Love Affair – Billie Holiday
[does this mean I like it when it’s over?!]

4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
People Aint No Good – Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds [Shrek 2 OST]
[itunes is telepathic!]

5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Blue Moon – Frank Sinatra
[I love the moon]

6. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Moon Over Burbon Street - Sting
[mmmm]

7. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Unforgettable – Frank Sinatra
[like they would give me the space to forget them!! I say it with luf]

8. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Mishet Khalas – Wael Gassar
[I knew I’d regret having D send me this song]

9. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Save Me – Bird York [Crash OST]
[only natural!]

10.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
La Vie En Rose – Patricia Kaas
[;)]

11.WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Leave Right Now – Will Young
[thank you very much]

12.WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Sorry – Tracy Chapman (Acoustic)
[now why would I like someone who makes me think that!!]

13.WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Kohl – Kamilya Jubran
[really!!]

14. WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
In the Arms of an Angel – Sarah McLachlan [City of Angels OST]
[I actually had to make sure I deleted the songs that played at my wedding!!]

15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ode to My Family – The Cranberries
[ok, I’m fine with that]

16.WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Swinging on a Star – Frank Sinatra
[mmm… the mule, the pig, or the fish??? perhaps the monkeys!]

17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I’m a Long Way from Home – Shooter Jennings [Walk the Line OST]
[it’s not secret at all :s! first time I ever listened to that song though, I download OSTs a lot but barely spend time to listen]

18.WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
I’m no Angel - Dido
[if that’s what I’m telling them, they know…]

19. WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
Tangled – Maroon 5
[7ader]

20. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Impossible – Whitney Houston & Brandy [Cinderella OST]
[HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… serves me right for being obsessed with OSTs]


Now, I tag The Caller, Eventuality, Will E, Shimaa, Frustrated

Risalatoho Al Akheera

A friend of mine sent me this amazing song by Amal Murkus.

This is the only way I could describe its effect on me: ka2en 7ad beyakhdo roo7y menny; not in a bad way although I am not sure there is a good that could happen!! I just couldn’t find a better expression… I just need to remind myself to breathe when I am listening to it!!

If this is not material to share, what would be?!

Enjoy!

On flowers...

Someone I know is not that much into flowers because they wilt and die. But isn’t that what happens to each and every one of us?! We grow old and die; we wilt and die at our own pace!! I don’t think it’s fair to hate something for doing the exact thing we do anyway!

I can understand though that we can resent things because we cannot resent ourselves. Moreover, we seem to share less postive things with flowers... things that are worth resenting if you ask me.

We tend to protect our vulnerabilities with layers of harshness and cynical atitude the way flowers –particularly roses- are protected by thorns...

Some of us have the looks but lack the character the same way some extremely beautiful flowers lack the the scent!

Some of us hide our malicious side behind fake glamour the way some flowers lure insects or other living things to devour them!

Like flowers, we need constant care in order to florish and blossom; otherwise, we develop anger and hate that would consume us the way weeds would surround flowers and feed on them!

But at the end of the day, I think flowers do it with more grace than us humans! They are practically dead the moment they are taken off their trees and put in a jar at the florist’s waiting for someone to buy them and pass them on to whoever receives them as a gift. We buy flowers when they have already died, yet they manage to still look beautiful and refreshing enough to convey whatever feelings we need to express.

Makes me wonder, how many humans do that? How many humans bring that much value into other people’s lives and take that little in return?! I think it’s something to think about when we come to consider our lives and our effect of other people’s lives, don’t you think?

I’ll leave you now with the song that inspired this post... Kamilya Jubran’s song, El Ba7r, lyrics of Sayed Hijab... here’s the verse...

بحب الورد فوق السور
و اعشق ضحكته الفانية
و احس فـريحته شوق مسحور
لناس حرة و حياه تانية

و احبه بين ادين عشاق

رسالة مهفهفة باشواق
و حتى و هو بلا اوراق
كتاب العشق ذكرى فراق

عمره فالهوى ليلتين
و عمره ما كان بعمره ضني
يرش هوى على الماشيين
و يتقاسمه مع الجايين

بحب الورد، احب الورد
و اعشق ضحكته و أنه
و احب الناس احب الناس
ماهم فيهم حاجات منه

Cairo… Alex… Cairo, and in between…

Here is what I have been told based on the silliest looking scribbling EVER, I mean it; my artistic skills are below average, way below.

“What or who is controlling your life and suffocating you that much and making you feel like you’re literally unable to breathe? You seem to desperately want to break free and you believe your life will be much better once you get rid of that control”

“You carry a lot of fear; too much fear! You hate the control and you long for it to be over but you have millions of fears that you suppress about that control and what’s to come next”

“Someone is burning! It seems like you decided to discard someone out of your life; there are lots of emotions involved in that decision, like you wish that someone would burn”

“You have sibling? Two?? You feel quite responsible for them, and you worry too much for them. Oh, you say you have two kids, makes more sense. You think you’re the better parent; you don’t believe you’re a great parent, but you are sure their father is that bad, I think this is the person I mentioned! You think your kids will have a happier life and will be able to play and enjoy life with him away”

Then we talked some more! I said I didn’t feel like talking, and that the fact that I did not want to talk was somehow pissing me off because *ahem* I am a talkative person. I talked about how my parents, as understanding as they try to be, seem to never give up on the idea of me going back to him. I talked about how I can no longer cry my heart out to any of my close friends, not even to myself. I talked about how I got used to looking strong in front of others that I am starting to feel numb inside because it seems to be the only way I could hide my own weakness.

I don’t remember if I had ever said that in spoken words, I talked about his emotional abuse! How I believed all the lies he said about me and how I helped him turn me into someone I hated. How I built my world around him and gave up on my own life with all its interests and became so dependant on someone who tampered with my self esteem and made me doubt my own self worth. I don’t remember saying those words out loud before!!

That was when I was told…

“It’s obvious that your decision to get out of that marriage was not merely emotional, which is good because it came with complete conviction, it came from the depth of your soul. It’s only natural because he was your biggest disappointment in life; you gave up on who you are because you thought that was how to love him, and he didn’t appreciate it or take care of you, howa fe3lan mass dammek, we sabek –sorryy- men gheir dam” *smile*

“The pain you’re in now is because you’re feeling lonely; no one around you has the slightest clue about the pain and the damage you feel, because as much as it seems like you share, you have not really shared enough to unburden yourself. You want to do it alone, because you’re afraid you’d count on anyone then be let down again, and you know you’re too vulnerable to be let down at this point, so you want to stand on your own two feet alone, but it’s getting lonely because no one knows and no one understand the fears you have”

“The upside is that you know it will be over, you have that much faith that the pain won’t last forever, which is very good! But you need to also know that it will take time and that you have to be patient, and handle your fears so that you won’t let them ruin the good things you know you have”

“My advice to you is to hang in there! Be patient. Insist on what you chose; say NO to anyone who tries to make you change your mind or talks you into going back. You made the right decision, you will not take care of your kids if you go back to that marriage, as a matter of fact, what’s keeping you from doing better for your kids is the worrying and the burden of all this not being over. You made the right decision, now all you have to do is stick to it, no matter what”

I haven’t been told something I didn’t already know, but being told that by a complete stranger who assumed some of the facts just from my juvenile crap brought me relief. The feeling that someone who had no agenda whatsoever, someone who had no reason to take my side told me I was right and confirmed my need for this marriage to end. Someone acknowledged my pain and validated it without showing me pity and without making me cry or feel vulnerable about any of it. I can fairly say it helped to hear my words spoken by someone who couldn’t care less.

That feeling made my lonely drive to Alexandria at around 9 pm more tolerable than it could have ever been with my fatigue, headache, and toothache and newly discovered blurry vision.

Generally, yesterday was a great day; my best friend D came from the states and I saw her for around 10 minutes before I got my above analysis, then I drove to Alex to see my father who had arrived from KSA, I did not fight with my mother and both my kids seemed happy. I was grateful, until he sent me a text making me get all paranoid and restrict viewing of my blog again!!

As for today, I was with my parents in the car when I heard my dad talking to one of the people who volunteered to help me reconcile with him! I heard how my father kept saying that he would never encourage me to go with the divorce if my x lives up to his promises and shows true remorse! I remembered the words I have been told, I remembered everything without really having to go through all the memories, and just like that I started crying.

It was 2:30 pm, random people in the street could see my face covered with tears I didn’t even bother hiding them by reaching for my shades; what’s the point?! I sobbed and I argued about how I needed my parents to know that there is nothing I want out of him but to let me go. I allowed my mother to see how much pain I was feeling, I allowed myself to feel the pain I was trying to hide. I told them I could no longer even play the game of saying that I am willing to go back if he lives up to my strict, hard and non-negotiable conditions; I no longer have conditions, all I have now is a desperate need of him to let me go.

My mom tried saying nice things, but she failed as always. I can’t say my father was happy about my emotional outburst. My dad called me stupid for saying they did not feel my agony, he mentioned how we should do all we can to maintain the marriage because that’s what “good Muslims” do. I cried even harder when I told him that Islam never mentioned that a wife should live with a husband against her will, my dad argued back that I should have good reasons to not want to share my life with that husband, then I asked him if all that did not count! He tried calming me down and said that I should not be that upset because there is no way my x would live up to any of it, but neither should I say “I want out no matter what he does to get me back”!!!

I don’t get it! I don’t. I hate how my dad uses religion against me that way. I know what he’s doing and I understand it, but making me feel less adequate religion wise because I want a divorce is not going to help me be a better Muslim. Remaining in this marriage for the sake of God is not going to help me practice my faith and keep it! I admit that getting into that dilemma is what helped me find my faith, but going back would cost me my faith and a lot of other things; my sanity, my self respect, my will to live, and me.

I tried to calm down and I engaged in different conversations as we met with other people, but every time I took a glimpse of my mirror image I lingered on how older I looked, how jaded and tired I looked! For the first time I could see how crying makes me look that way.

I wanted to drive all the way back to Cairo; why not, it was 6 pm and the road seemed clear and peaceful and I needed to lose myself in the speed and the music, but I didn’t even argue when the driver said I looked like I could use some rest. I dosed off for a while, but I kept opening my eyes to calls from the x and loud songs playing on my mp3 player. Until I finally woke up to this…

"و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و الـلـــي لعــب به

و صلي عليه

و صلي عللي يحبه قلبك
و اقف في وجه الريح لقلبك
و اسعى فـ دربك، و مهما دار بك
و مهما طال بك هتنول مطالبك
وتدوق تحلي

ماشية السفينة والريح جفينا
و الموج خفينا، جوعنا حفينا
بس احنا فينا أحلام دفينة
بيها اتغفينا و بكرة تكفينا
و اليل يولي

بصلي عللي حباه تملي
و عللي علي حاسب يا خلي
الاقي املي اكتملي، ماللي
و الخير داخللي و أنا فـ محلي
و يا دي التجلي

و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و اللـــي لعـــب به

و صلي عليه"

تجلي لـ كاميليــا جبـران**

I am calmer now, I realize there is o way in hell I am going back; I have come way too far already to even worry about being forced to go back. No one can force me into changing my mind, and no one can force me to share my life with him again. All I have to do is hang in there and do the best I can and keep the faith. I can do that, I will.

Until then, I am allowed to get upset when things stir up the way they did today, but I will always remember the words I have been told, and that song, and will pull myself together and move on.

** The lyrics are not hundred percent accurate and my eyes hurt too much to actually search the web, so please let me know if I am wrong on any of it… oh, and the song is worth checking!

Easy as Life

This song is one of my absolute favorites. I first heard it when I could not relate, and later when I did, I guess I was too much of a coward to do by it.

As much as I love it, it haunts me! Not causing me to have any regrets, but more like a reminder to know when to let go; it basically says that letting go –as EXTREMLY hard as it feels- is actually so easy!

Enjoy!!

This is the moment when the gods expect me
To beg for help but I won't even try
I want nothing in this world but myself to protect me
But I won't lie down, roll over and die

All I have to do is to forget how much I love him
All I have to do is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love's an ever-changing situation
Passion would have cooled and all the magic would have died
It's easy, it's easy

All I have to do is to pretend I never knew him
On those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart
Better to have lost him when the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt of the familiar cannot start
It's easy, It's easy

Until I think about him as he was when I last touched him
And how he would have been were I to be with him today
Those very rare occasions don't let up they keep on coming
All I ever wanted and I'm throwing it away
It's easy, it's easy as life

But then I saw the faces of a worn, defeated people
A father and a nation who won't let a coward run
Is this how the gods reward the faithful through the ages?
Forcing us to prove the hardest thing we've done
Are easy
So easy

And though I'll think about him til the earth draws in around me
And though I choose to leave him for another kind of love
There is no denial, no betrayal but redemption
Redeemed in my own eyes and in the pantheon above
It's easy It's easy as life
It's easy as life
It's easy as life

From Aida, The Broadway Performance (in English) of Verdi’s Aida