November 29, 2008

I’m growing up!

My x called today. It was his first call since his aunt visited on Wednesday. She has noticed how I kept asking Beem about random words and their meaning in French as he talked; my own way of helping him practice what he learns at the nursery. She asked if I planned to put him in French schooling and I said it was my first option. She paused for a while and said “would you please involve their father in the process; he has financial obligations to which he should attend”. I nodded and that was the end of that conversation.

Today he called to say so many incoherent nonsense, most of which discussing his own perception of people who go through French schooling. According to him, they are fed too much culture, which in turn affects their perception of life, making them unable to deal with life from a practical point of view. He believes men his age who had received French education lack the macho factor and are rather nerdy with a touch of “nadala”! He is convinced that French education would limit my kids’ options upon graduation to “guys who speak fluent French but know nothing more about their jobs”!

For thirty whole minutes, I endured his shallow, arrogant, and condescending crap about men and women of our age category who happened to receive French education! For thirty whole minutes, all I wanted to tell him was that his skewed and distorted perceptions do not by any chance validate his weak theories. I wanted to tell him that if all the men and women he knows and judges so harshly are truly as bad as he described, then the one more thing they have in common other than their education would be him! I wanted to tell him that he’s not a better example to judge others, that his “athletic body” and “good looks” mean nothing at all when compared to his shallow personality and pseudo intellect that he uses to come off as a sophisticate!

Months ago, I would have gotten very angry and started yelling to the extent that I would have probably cried! Today, I just got upset, and I managed to change the mood by calling a friend of mine and laughing it off with her! Later, I talked to another friend about my fears of messing up my kids’ lives by not wanting them to be like their dad to the extent that I would turn them into an unhealthy extreme. Now, as I started writing this post, I was planning to write down the conversation and how it went, but to my surprise, I couldn’t even remember most of his exact words that got on my nerves!

Looks like I have finally learnt how to block the useless and unnecessary things that negatively alter my mood! All I remember of those thirty minutes is that he did not make sense and that his logic kept contradicting with itself making it rather funny to hear him babble on until I finally lost interest! Who knew!!!

November 25, 2008

Why is it so hard to understand?

So you did your thing; where you are too freakin’ persistent and pushy that I would eventually answer the phone to give you my feedback on all the emails and messages, good for you.

So you tried your cheap shots of placing the blame on someone from my family whom you refused to say their name saying they told you to keep me that way for perhaps I would reconsider the marriage. I told you there was no chance in hell I would go back and you said you knew that, fair enough.

So you gave your noble act the best shot and went on and on about how you really want to be there for the kids; sadly, you could only elaborate with financial offers by which you knew I would be offended, it’s ok, I gave you the toughest replies a man could get from his soon to be x-wife.

So you said you really wanted to sit and talk and reach an agreement, the best for our kids; alright, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt and seriously considering compromising some of my rights for theirs.

Apparently, you have mistaken my semi-calm, semi-emotional tone of voice and my pleasant attitude for something they simply not; so I just need to set a few things straight…

I am not your friend, and the chances of me ever becoming one are pretty slim to none; I can be civil and pleasant, but it really depends on which buttons you do not push…

There is no chance in hell I am ever coming back to you or even considering it, so I don’t appreciate the soft tone and the cliché reminiscing; it’s juvenile and insulting. I do not miss you, or miss the way we used to be; if anything, I think I have blocked all the good memories, and thanks a lot for helping. I do not even miss love because everything about this marriage reminds me of how ugly love can turn….

Whatever it is you plan to do for the kids, it is your duty and obligation as a father towards them; it is not a favor or something for you to show off doing, and for whatever it’s worth, if you don’t want to do it, I will make sure they will not need it…

You do not get to take away the kids to “relief me from my burden”; my babies are not a burden, they are beautiful, and like all beautiful things, they are definitely worth whatever trouble I may go through…

Don’t you ever bring up what went wrong again; two can play that game, and I assure you, I will be the winner and I won’t be graceful or sympathetic; I will be mean, cruel, harsh, and extremely insensitive and I could even make you cry. No good would come out of that so just don’t!

And FYI, the “wisdom and calmness” you noticed in me are due to something you know nothing of; being mature!! Or at least something close enough to that, not to mention that it’s much easier for someone like me to be wise and calm when I simply couldn’t care less, got it?!!

November 23, 2008

Thinking about the future, reluctantly!

So Frustrated and Jessyz tagged me to do the Bucket List for my next 10 years. I am not the kind of person who usually thinks more than two weeks ahead; if anything, two weeks ahead is such an accomplishment! Surprisingly enough, I managed to come up with 13 things I wanted to do; who knew?!!

Oh, and my tagees are: Deeeeeee, Will E., Rasha, Eventuality, Kovs; only if they feel like it, and of course whoever stops by and feels like doing it is most welcomed to...

People, my Bucket List…*

  • - Get my divorce finalized, and perhaps settle things in a more civil way (one could only hope)

  • - Get the boys in the French school of my preference

  • - Work a lot more on my French (really counting the above point would be a motivation for me)

  • - Manage by some miracle to become more organized and tidy up my stuff and my kids’

  • - Give the boys their private space

  • - Manage to establish two-way communication with my boys, so that I can teach them all the good things I think they should learn, and prepare them for achieving their full potential, and I really don’t want them to be momma’s boys, but neither do I want them to be insensitive jerks! (hhhhhaaard job)

  • - Have a short trip on my own or with a couple of friends, a euro-tour perhaps… it has to be less than a week because I’d be missing my boys like crazy…

  • - Find my passion… I still don’t know what my passion is, and I decided I should take it easy on the looking and wait for it to find me… I have a few things in mind that I would like to try out…

  • - Read more

  • - Be a better person, as strange as it sounds for someone who does not care much about how people think of her, I would like to know that I have touched the lives of those I care about, in a good way of course; it means a lot to know that I make a difference to those I love

  • - Work on my faith practices and do my pilgrimage with the optimum spirituality with which I think it should be done (it’s hard to explain, but it makes sense in my head)

  • - Take better care of my health and manage to reduce my bad habits or at least put them under control

  • - Meet some, or one of the people whom I respect and have a meaningful discussion (don’t ask about names, none come to mind right now, but I am sure I have a few people in mind, I can’t be that vain!)

* Of course there is an order to that list, only it was hard to come up with one; so this is not the order I think I should go by. Just needed to be clear on that...

Fairytales can come true...

I finally found my perfect lace boots and I'm in love... I'm actually thinking of giving them names, suggestions???

Oh, and Will, I'm waiting for your analysis on this one ;)

November 22, 2008

On hope…

Hope is a dangerous thing; hope can drive a man insane” Red (Morgan Freeman), The Shawshank Redemption

I believe hope is a good thing; it helps us get by in our darkest hours. Nonetheless, I can see how the above quote can make sense; you see, of all the things that can have a negative impact on a man’s life, hope can top them all because hope in its essence is a good thing. It justifies making decisions perhaps we shouldn’t be making, or believing in things that have previously gotten us disappointed.

They say stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results; sometimes hope is our motivation to do the same thing one more time thinking the result would be more favorable this time, making us more vulnerable to disappointment. Hope is the honey that hides the taste of poison but fails to hide its lethal effect, disappointment and regret.

I am a person who lives by hope. Hope for a better day, hope for better things coming my way. I find my own ways of holding on to whatever hope there is no matter how crappy things seem to be; it’s somewhat my bliss, or perhaps my curse!

I’m afraid I am knowingly taking my own sip of what could be poisoned honey just because I don’t want to allow my doubts and my previous disappointments to get the best of me. I don’t want to give up on my hope and wonder “what if?”... I tell myself it’s ok to have hope even if it turns out to be false, because at least I am quite aware of the possible disappointment, and somewhat ready for it if it takes place.

Does disappointment count when we anticipate it? Does it hurt as much when we know it’s more likely to happen?

Is it stupid to have a hope that had previously led to a disappointment? Or is it simply hopeful?

I guess I should find out on my own even if I end up feeling like an idiot afterwards.

November 19, 2008


Despite that I am in a good mood, I have been piling up some rants about current events; internationally, locally, and of course personally. I planned to keep them for myself but Rasha hates how quiet my blog has been lately, so there…

- Barak Obama. mabrouk 3ala amreeca, I really mean it, but for the Arab world, ETWEKSO. All talk shows had nothing to discuss but that; analyzing the crap out the whole thing, hell even my x gave me his sick analysis through email! News flash people, the man does not owe you a thing, he owes whatever it is that he owes to the American people. Yes, America’s regimes do affect the world, I understand, but for the love of God and all that’s holy, stop analyzing something you can never experience, let alone achieve; you better work on things that you can actually do something about! Government officials and political specialists, analayze khebetko el te2eela or try do something about it instead of talking about things you have no first-hand knowledge of!!! And for the rest of the Arab world who just talk, 3ala fekra, da elly gayebko wara; el kalam wel faty el mas7oob be 3adam el entag… so, to sum it up ETWEKSO!!!

- I’ve been getting all sorts of enlightening suggestions through email about improvement of education since that poor child died (God bless him and his family), but again, seriously, why do we do nothing but making unrealistic suggestions. Most of those who can’t keep their pie holes shut have nothing to do with education and have no power to change things!!! I’m sorry for being a cynical bitch but unless there is something you can do, or unless someone asks you your opinions, keep them to yourself; it’s extremely frustrating to hear over and over and yet over again how crappy education is and knowing all the same that there isn’t much one can do about it.

- Noha Rushdy. I don’t get the controversy, I don’t! If she has been harassed, then I completely respect what she did and how she stood up for her rights, it’s really as simple as that. Her ethnic origin, whatever it is, should not be of any importance, and fellow Egyptians, Noha Rushdy is not how the el 3adow el sohyoony gets us, again, please ETWEKSO!!!!

- The court ruling regarding exporting Natural Gas to Israel. Do you seriously believe that ruling will be enforced?! Makansh da ba2a 7alna, this is not a transparent country with transparent politics and economics, and I really hate talking about those things because 1- I don’t know enough to say something meaningful, and 2- there is nothing I can do to change any of it. It just pisses me to see people cheering for an illusion.

- That statistics report about the Egyptian society and its notorious results. I find it extremely unprofessional that the specialists working on that report have failed to take into consideration something like Hofstede’s five cultural dimensions (which was taught in freshman year at college) when comparing awareness and satisfaction results of the Egyptians to those of other countries!!! It’s no secret theory and anyone who works in that field should be aware of it, mesh 3ashan kont ta3leem agnaby!!! And while I’m at it, how come no studies were done/regarded to understand the collective Egyptian culture before making any statistical report on the Status of Egyptians, and I mean the average mesel7y who walks the streets elly beykhaf mel 7asad we beydary 3ala sham3eto 3ashan tewala3 feeh we fe ahloh!!!

- The doctors in KSA. I’m appalled and it makes me angry every time I think about it. I know Egypt is rotten in so many ways, I know every country in the world is rotten in its own way, but the one thing that makes Saudi Arabia more obnoxious is that they inflict social and legal injustice using the name of religion which is just *insert sheteema*. I say social and legal injustice because I have serious doubts the same court ruling would have taken place had the doctors been of Class A nationalities or God forbid Saudi royalty. People who make such horrible things and hide behind religion disgust me. And I don’t give the least care if the are religious scholars because I still doubt their fairness and objectivity.

- My x sent me yesterday (the 18th) a text on my cell wishing me a happy 8 years and 6 months anniversary. Why does this person like to remind me of my lost years?!

Kefaya keda, I think that was too much ranting and I think I ended up doing what I just mentioned above that I dislike; giving my unneeded and unasked opinions about things I can’t change. Well, in my defense, I would have kept my opinions to myself had people around me refrained from providing me with theirs.

November 11, 2008

The upside of being sick…

I’ve been putting on some weight since Ramadan, not the significantly noticeable kind for others, but rather the kind that makes me feel guilty every time I am indulging a food craving. My work pants were getting a little bit tighter and a couple of my tops kinda felt tighter as well, God bless my boss for not saying a word about me going to work in jeans and dressed like a hobo!

Knowing me, going on a strict diet wouldn’t change much because I know my weight changes radically in short periods of time depending mostly on my mood, I was just hoping it wouldn’t keep going until I’m fat. Anyways, in a futile attempt to eat healthy I ate Greek salad, which didn’t really do me any good, not just because I ate around 3 slices of pizza later that day, but also because the salad was definitely contaminated (everyone ate from the pizza and thank God no one got sick).

Two days later, I think I have managed to lose all the extra weight I had put on in two whole months!! Of course I’ve also managed to drain all my body fluids in every way possible, of course I still feel dizzy and woozy, and still get urges to throw up, not to mention the embarrassing bathroom visits, of course my hair looks and feels damaged especially that I have not combed it since Saturday night, and of course my eyes look totally different… but hey, I lost weight! Who knew salad could have that miraculous effect!

This is my first day at work this week, and I think I will leave at noon once I make sure I won’t be needed. I can’t stand up for more than three minutes, and my colleagues keep commenting on how much weight I must have lost, which somehow makes me smile, shallow I know! I took my antibiotic, and I have right next to me a cup of tea (I hate tea) and some weird biscuit my boss gave me because “I must eat something”. Upon tasting the biscuit, it does not taste bad at all, wow, I still have it in me to taste food! However, I do not see salad-eating in my near future although I am a big salad lover, and neither do I see apples (I still taste my vomit after my first apple-eating attempt)

Oh, and a friend of mine and I were once contemplating becoming bulimic to lose weight… honey, don’t; all the throwing up is definitely not worth it.

November 7, 2008

Looks like it won’t end soon…

Another silly text message from him and his timing couldn’t be worse; a couple of hours after I posted the previous post and watched a disturbing movie.

He’s basically telling me he had just visited a friend of his who got married months ago and just had a baby. He was saying how his friend, whom he failed to mention his name –which makes me assume I don’t even know the guy- was sending his greetings to the wife, me. He was describing how his friend was telling his own family how my x is such a “moltazem w gad w mo7taram”! if I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s making it up, but I know how very few of the people he calls friends know him enough to know he’s none of the three, because moltaza w gad w mo7taram is certainly not what got us here.

I wonder what he told his “friend” when asked a simple question like “weladak 3amleen eh?”, I mean obviously he did not reveal that he’s separated and has not seen his kids for a year now, since Beem barely said a few words and since Mocha was a newborn!! Has he no shame whatsoever! He’s congratulating a “friend” for being a father while pretending he’s one himself! People’s pretenses never fail to shock and appall me; his pretenses have a bigger effect.

It makes me angry when part of the truth hits me; that he mainly wants me back to maintain the image of the successful young man who has it all; the presentable wife, the adorable kids, and the career! As if I’m his silly watch or the expensive shades, like this is my worth, or my kids’ for that matter. His shallowness feels humiliating because I have more self worth than that, a self worth that I have come to realize once I stepped away and realized he was the reason I lost my faith in me, as well as in everything else. Ironic.

I can only hope it hits him one day when he does not find himself surrounded by people who feed his sick ego, when he can look in the mirror and see past those pretenses, that between him and himself he would know how he lost the wife and the kids and to what. Knowing him, I know he’d always find things to say to make him the good guy so that his image wouldn’t judge him. Nonetheless, I always hope that one day he would fail and somehow see himself for what he really is. A failure, as a husband and as a father.

November 6, 2008

It hurt…

I am not sure where this came from, but as I was driving home with both of my kids in the backseat when this conversation took place….

Beem: mommy…
Me: na3am ya beem
Beem: (pointing at a Toyota) heya el 3arabeya de eeh?
Me: esmaha ToYoTa ya beem
Beem: heya beta3et meen?
Me: beta3et uncle elly saye2ha…
Beem: ana 3ayez arkabha
Me: mmm, bas e7na mane3rafsh uncle da a beem (thinking to myself, he’s almost got into all the car brands we bump into except Toyota, how perceptive!)
Beem: ana 3ayez arkabha ma3 pappy
Me: (WHAT!!!) bet2ool eh ya beem?
Beem: 3ayez arkab Toyota ma3 pappa! Pappa Ahmed, howa bey7ebeny wana ba7ebo we harkab ma3ah…
Me: (WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!! Think of something, QUICKLY!) bas bas ya beem pappa masmoosh ahmad!
Beem: la2 pappa esmo ahmed, ana 3ayez pappy ahmad…
Me: ya 7abeeby walahy masmoosh ahmad! Pappa esmo (my x’s name, obviously not ahmad), mesh enta esmak (his full name)… yeb2a pappy esmo (my x’s name)…
Beem: howa 3ando 3arabeya eh
Me: mesh 3arfa ya beem… tab enta mesh beterkab ma3aya fe 3arabeety, we beterkab ma3 geddo fe 3arabeeto we ma3 agga fe 3arabeetha we goody fe 3arabeetha, enta zehe2t wala eh!!
Beem: ana harkab ma3 Geddo 3arabeya Toyota
Me: (relieved he stopped referring to his dad) ok, hanshoof el mawdoo3 da ma3 geddo
Beem: (coming closer to me while driving, within my reach to hug my right arm) ana ba7ebek awy ya mommy…
Me: ana ba7ebak aktar….

OUCH!!! Who the hell is “pappy ahmad”??! I couldn’t see the road clearly and I started feeling like I was about to bump into the sidewalk with the dizziness i felt!

Later right before having lunch at home…

Me: yalla ya beem ta3ala 3ashan takol ma3aya
Beem: ana ha2akel nafsy
Me: tab ma 2a2akelak ana 3ashan matwasakhsh nafsak
Beem: bas ana kebeer
Me: tayeb ok, hat2akel nafsak bas el kebeer mesh yewa2a3 3ala nafsoh
Beem: ana hakbar tany lessa?
Me: (smiling) ah taba3an, hatekbar lessa in sha2 Allah
Beem: we hageeb 3arabeya Toyota kebeeeeraaaa
Me: (smiling even more) in sha2 Allah
Beem: we hakhaly geddo yerkab ma3aya feeha
Me: (on the verge of tears, and my voice choking) enta gameel awy ya beem, yala ba2a ta3ala kol
Beem: malek ya mommy?
Me: (running in his direction, and making a funny tone) ana hagy aklak 3ashan mesh takol akly
Beem: la2 ana hakol el akl kolo…

And we ate!

How does this kid come up with all those thoughts and ideas and puts them in words? And what’s with the Toyota obsession??!!

More importantly, what do I tell him when he starts focusing more on the fact that he’s missing a father? It hurt like hell when he said “ana 3ayez pappy ahmad” and “howa bey7ebeny”! he’s missing a love he never even received from my idiot of an x. moments like these make me resent my x much much more than I already do. I can only quote my own dad “A7MAQ”!!

Only my x could make the US presidency elections about US!!

And I thought my blog would be the only Obama-free blog! How delusional of me?! I can always count on my x to find ways to link us to international politics; I mean hello, he’s the same guy who managed to compare our situation to the Palestine Israel conflict!

This is what I found in my mailbox…

Dear (my name),
Obama won the elections,,,that means even Americans can
accept a black president ,,,,which always was subject to never ever
status ,,,that means always there is a possibility of change to
better....if we want ,,,,rabena m3aky we yehdeky isa.....
End of day evil
goes away .....slmely 3la el awlad el gomal el wehos el kbeera
, we ya rayet lw 3ndek sewar gedid lehom teb3teha by mail with
rabena m3aky isa

Seven words: You give political awareness a bad name!

November 3, 2008

A person of habit… I am certainly not!

Yesterday before I dosed off a thought haunted me. I was secretly admiring my sister for maintaining her dental care while I tend to skip it when I’m too lazy to get out of bed! I mean between my sister and me, she’s definitely the lazy one, but not when it comes to remembering she had not brushed her teeth before going to bed. So, I decided to find at least one single thing I do on daily basis for more than three weeks in a row. NONE!!! Oh except for my Pepsi addiction, not my most glorious moment finding that out now, but I can reverse that for the sake of the argument!

I am not sure if it a good thing that I am not a person of habit generally speaking, because sometimes a few habits are good for us, like my sister’s good habit. It hit me that I have been hiding behind the motto “ the more I know about something, the less I wanna know about it”*! That arrogant statement has managed to enhance my short attention span and made it a valid excuse to let go of things (and sometimes people) too soon, not that I have any regrets (as arrogant as it sounds).

That was when the Art Therapist’s words echoed in my head “You’re lost, find you. Find something you’re passionate about, and do it, you’ll feel different”. Right now, I have no idea what it could possibly be, and I am not even that eager finding out because I have a strong conviction that I will end up bored in such a short time. I know it’s not passion that I lack; maintaining it is rather the trick.

My wall of shame has a variety of things I attempted to learn which I never followed through! It’s such an accomplishment that I have managed to maintain a blog for over a year now! Actually, I think I’m losing that passion too; I keep writing things and erasing them, I no longer like the sound of my words. The only reason I am still holding on to this blog is because it’s the only mirror I have to my thoughts that I’m afraid I’d get even more lost without it.

* A quote said by Winona Ryder in “How to Make an American Quilt”. The quote is not necessarily accurate, but I related it to it the moment I heard it YEARS ago.