December 1, 2009

Melancholia


I can’t breathe… not exactly; I mean it just feels like the air is too heavy for my nostrils to inhale it into my lungs and then push it back… it feels like a lot of work…

And my heart feels like a heavy stone sinking all the way to my guts and hurting them…

I’ve been having headaches for God knows how long now; the kind that just doesn’t go away when they’re not banging in my head driving me crazy… and I have been as restless as ever despite my constant fatigue; so I sleep a lot, but thanks to my insomnia, I keep waking up to feel even more depressed and try to sink my depression in my pillow (I need a new pillow!)

Not to mention the mood swings… a minute I am all confident and smiling and alive, the next I just want to shut away the whole world and hate my very own existence, let alone others’… bipolar??

I am grumpy, I am impatient, and I feel like I am aching non stop for no apparent reason…

I think I am depressed!

I mean I’ve been to a doctor because of the fatigue and I had all the tests that would eliminate any potential hormonal imbalance or post-viral infection; the doctor eventually told me it could simply be due to pollution or stress… talk about stress, it’s a lifestyle for me…

I can’t seem to endure any of the things I have supposedly accepted as an inseparable part of my life… I am remembering my anger and re-feeling it, only I am not allowing myself to let it out; it’s trapped in my heart and mind like tears are trapped behind my eyes…

I can’t stand the very people I love, and of course those I resent…

I am tired of my dad’s over protectiveness; it’s suffocating me and making me feel claustrophobic inside my own body! Actually, I am starting to even doubt he’s being this way just for my sake; I think it’s more about what he thinks is best for everyone of us, himself, my sisters, my kids and me… it’s too much weight for me to carry all alone, and it’s unfair!

I am tired of my sisters’ detachment and insensitiveness, which I know is mostly due to my own hyper-sensitiveness; but I just have strong urges of shutting them out for good, like I want to do with all the other annoyances in my life!

I can’t even stand being with my boys at all these days; they’re a very painful reminder of all my issues and the responsibilities burdening me day and night. I kind of hate myself for being a mother, such a mother!

And my mom is not giving me a break asalways, only this time I really want nothing to do with her, and as horrible as it makes me sound, I mean it, and I sincerely wish it would come true, like we could stop talking forever… only I trust she’d never let go!

I literally thought of packing the things I need along with my sorrows and disappointments and just leave home for good, and perhaps even leave my boys; I can’t do it on my own with them.
Writing this, I sort of hate myself, but I am feeling like I am no longer capable of being anything useful to anyone. I don’t feel like I have it in me to give, or to want to give for that matter. I don’t want to take either; I just want to be left alone. We Kaman, it’s not exactly realistic thinking to runaway; I will be found, unless I change my job, my car and God knows what else – I haven’t exactly thought this through…

The interesting part is that I don’t even show such clear signs of struggle when people talk to me. My friend was like “manty konty kowayessa akher marra shoftek”, which was right in the midst of all this mess; thing is, when I am with friendly company, all this distress is on hold until I step back to my world and deal with all the nakad there.

For the second time in my life, I want to be someone else, only for different reasons. This time I don’t hate who I am, I just resent all the things I have to deal with and all the stresses and pressures. I want to… live? At least without worrying about consequences and without feeling crippled and pulled down by all the things I should and shouldn’t do. I feel like I am locked in a prison without bars or parameters, yet so real and limiting. And the really painful part is that I feel like I choose to succumb to this prison most of the time, either out of obligation, or fear of consequences.

I am pathetic!

And I have no idea how to remedy all this. I don’t believe any therapy could possibly help; at least not with my current status, and I have no idea how to change that. All I know is that I can feel my spirit sinking and I am too tired to even try to float until this passes, I feel like drowning but I don’t have the courage to let go.

And no, I am not suicidal so I don’t want people talking me out of taking my own life; I just know I don’t have it in me and I am not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse!

I hate how depressing this post is, especially when I am still aware of the little things that give my life a meaning, which I can take forever to list them, yet they fail to bring my soul comfort and ease.

I am listening to Bocelli, hoping his strong and tender voice would wrap my spirit and take away all the aching, but it is making me feel sadder, and the air is still feeling heavier…

10 comments:

Knowledge Seeker said...

I feel your pain & the burden you have on your chest as if nothing can make you feel better & life isn't fair & never go easy on you or giving you what u deserve....
no words can get you out of these feelings coz u r already aware of all the logical reasons & the positive blessing in ur life but still feel the emptiness that need fulfillment...
it might be useful if u try to hibernate your mind for a while don't try to solve any prob or think of ways out, just stop put urself on hold don't try to be happy & don't be sad just on hold, coz sometimes we need to shut down the system for a while...
wish u all the happiness that u deserve

Anonymous said...

Inso...I think you need to get a professional's help ,seriously.

I don't think you're losing it or smthg , but I do think this ain't good at all...

:(

R

insomniac said...

Knowledge Seeker (i just can't get over how i like your alias, it's so... i don't know, i relate i guess!!!)....

i think in my core i believe life is fair... only most of the time we don't have it in us to see it, and that's why we hurt as much as we do... and in my case, sometimes i worry that i might have earned my share of unfairness; after all, i am my own harsh judge, more than anyone else! what can i say, i do it to myself rather than have anyone doing it to me!!!

my mind doesn't hibernate lel asaf... i can barely hope for distractions, only lately they just seem more like reminders...

i wish me some happiness too :) and i am too tired to earn it besara7a, 3ayza some, even law mesh well deserved ba2a :)

thanks!

insomniac said...

R...

i wanna tell you not to worry, and that i am a survivor, bas besara7a it's too much this time...

it's too much not because anything new happened, but rather because it's hitting me that the current state is not good enough and that with all my current givens, neither i, nor any therapy can change it...

normally, i would welcome therapy, but i am at the same place where i had last seen my late art therapist and i am realizing that i can't seem to do as per his advise la2en my stakes are too high, or actually borderline impossible to throw to the wind...

i can't explain to my father he's doing more harm than good, and i would never defy him... it's almost impossible to explain to anyone if they don't already understand why...

i can't have the kind of responsibility break i yearn for from being a mother... it's unfair for my boys...

you see, a therapist won't have a magical wand that make all my worries disappear of turn a pumpkin into a carriage, and i am facing the sad truth that i do need that magical wand to solve most of my problems!!

yalla mesh mohem... enjoy the music i just posted for the time being :)

chaimaa said...

me tooo 3ayza some happiness too :) and i am too tired to earn it besara7a, 3ayza some, even law mesh well deserved ba2a :)
wallahy ur feelings are common and normal in this stressful era we live...don't be scared from ur feelings...

insomniac said...

Chaimaa,

I was afraid someone would tell me that... ya3ne kollena ghar2aneen!!

chaimaa said...

kolena fe el hawa sawa :))) cheer up sis..rabna ye3enek isa

poshlemon said...

Being the person I am (and I believe it's difficult being in my own head), I understand where you are...

I don't know if money is an issue, but maybe you could change from your therapist and go to one of egypt's most famous therapists/psychiatrists. The things you're describing deserve that you pay serious attention to.

Please! It really hurts me to read that you're going through such pain!

Btw, when I returned to Lebanon after 4 years of living in London on my own and being completely independent, my mom treated me as if I was still 16 and sort of bothered and nagged me a lot in the beginning. But I fought for my sweet independence and I was lucky in the end.

What I want to say is that your father is the way he is because he belongs to a different generation with a different mindset. Just as long as you're living under his roof, you will need to go by his rules.

I don't know.... Life is too short to not be able to appreciate the ones we love.

insomniac said...

hey posh :)

i still don't think it's a therapy thing... when i really thought i needed that kind of help, i didn't spare money, but then again, i learned something; the quality of therapy has nothing to do with how much you pay!!

i met a man who took nothing from me, but gave me the understanding, support and advice no one else could! i went to his "clinic" almost miserable and got out flying, and he read through me and helped me realize that for the rest of my days, it is not about seeking help from others, it's rather about stepping up and finding the answers from within...

i know the answers, and i also know that i may not like them if i do what i think now are the necessary changes... i think i could have done it without that much hesitation had i been on my own, but i can't seem to push through while being responsible for two little ones...

so until i figure out a way i can just talk my dad of his old fashioned mindsets without offending him, and change things to a more comfortable place, i will keep lapsing into that place knowing that it is me who holds the key but i'm just too afraid to use it...

you see, i know what every renowned therapist would say, trust me :) it's so obvious aslan :)

poshlemon said...

Well, I hope you truly hold that keys you say... You deserve to be happy.

My experience with therapists is very limited. I had one in London which I did not pay for (Britain is socialist) and it was good in helping me somehow manage my anxiety disorder.

Although I must say I am a firm believer that you get what you pay for. At least generally speaking and maybe not in a socialist country like Britain buy in our own part of the world. Unfortunately...