August 31, 2007

I just can’t take it anymore…

I’m writing this in the midst of angry tears and my almost two year old son sitting right next to me patting my shoulder after he saw me totally losing it until my voice got scratchy.

The only reason I am writing this right now in this very mood is that I want it all out of my system so that I can go by my day without anymore resentment.

What’s so bad with getting a divorce?! I have covered all the cons and I think I can live with them more than I can do with being married to him. I think this is what divorce was made for anyway; because it is better than a resentful marriage where I will always see his betrayal right there in his eyes every time he looks at me… every time he says the L word I will just feel sick and head to the washroom, I know it… it just turns my stomach.

All I can remember is the time he would just hurt my feelings with his senseless words to cover up for his own feelings of guilt when we have eye contact and he sees the i-know-ur-having-an-affair-so-just-come-clean-and-get-it-over-with look. All the times he heard me cry and instead of letting me be, he would start a fight only to make sure there are more scars, and then hold me and start saying his cheap ass sorrys.

How can I go on in a marriage where I feel nothing towards him but contempt, distrust and disrespect!! This is not right, I was raised where it’s mandatory for a woman to respect her husband and to trust him enough in order to be able to be obedient or whatever; I just can’t do it anymore. I am sorry I just can’t (I am not really sorry).

I know I was once in love with him, I know I once put him first. I just don’t think he’s worth it; I even have my doubts he ever did, I just don’t wanna dwell on that since it won’t change much right now. Be it a mistake or things have just changed, it’s time to end it at least to do some damage control.

I saw him the other day, he tried to find that love in my eyes, he just saw dismay… the same dismay I saw when I confronted him… I don’t care if he once cried to me to forgive him, it doesn’t mean anything anymore; after all he knew I don’t forgive easily and he knew the wound he cut went deep enough to the bone.

Now my dad’s argument is that I should not be the one asking for a divorce because it would make me responsible for whatever consequences my children will probably suffer from. I think it’s a load of bull. I think my dad hates the label and dreads it to an unhealthy extreme. I know he cares about what people think and thinks I would not be able to handle the gossip and neither would my children. I wish to tell him that I’ve stopped caring what people think long ago, I wish he would do it, it’s liberating. As for my kids, I don’t think growing up to see me in constant agony over having to deal with a man I can no longer stand the sight of is a healthy thing either. I will do my best to speak well of him, try to remember anything good to share with them. They will see him as often as he would like (even though I don’t like it much). I think their chances of being balanced are better off that way; away from the environment my own husband grew in where he was brought up to believe he can do anything just because of the Y chromosome (that’s the nicest way I could put it).

Now his aunt calls my mom and tells her to talk some sense into me (ME) cause if I don’t go back home, he’ll remarry and have whoever he marries impose her rules on how much cash my kids would get we hayetla3o men el mooled bala 7ommos. Seriously!! Like I care! I don’t want anything from him; as a matter of fact, let him remarry, may be he will realize that it was him all along, not me!! As for the cash, do they actually think it’s a good reason to remain in a marriage?? Well, not for me. I say if that’s the man they have for a father, then it’s best they live without him and his cash.

And finally, I did give him one last chance, which he blew big time. Can’t say I was disappointed he did, I was thankful he did because it was too consuming for me; it literally absorbed my ability to be a happy and content person. I am glad I can look myself in the mirror and say I have done my best. Why can’t they just let me have that? uffff

Now really, when does a marriage end?? Do I have enough legitimate reasons? Is there anything to go back to when you reach the point I did? I am curious to know what other people think; however, excuse me I will end up doing what I think is right, since it’s me who deals with all the consequences after all.

p.s. if any cousins stumble on that post and actually recognize it’s me… don’t call me up and ask how that happened or why I never talked about it, because the reasons are quite obvious: marriage problems and divorce are a taboo in this godforsaken country.

Some bla bla bla before I sleep (hopefully)

Disclaimer: this post is written by someone who suffers from insomnia and sleep deprivation, let alone mood swings; hence, won’t make much sense, if any. Read it at your own risk….

This is how I would have started the post:

I hate having to wake in early in the morning to run errands, just hate it!! Somehow, I think it takes the balance off my already disturbed life. That’s why I expected today to suck big time… I woke up early, had to meet with a person I am no longer comfortable around and then had to deal with my mom’s temper!!

I also hate how I have to bear up with people’s shit. Growing up, my dad was so strict about respecting your elders and such, I think it actually stuck… now I hate how people just abuse that… my mom says, I only have guts to talk back at her and it’s somewhat true I hate to admit… but in my defense, she should not put up with anyone calling her to accuse me of things and having my words twisted… if she could take that, than she might as well take what I have to say about it!! (I’m sorry mom, but it gets to me every time).

What I hate the most is when people think they know what’s best for me more than I do. I’ve had to sit and listen to whatever useless advice my dear uncle G had for me about my “situation” and how I can’t have an objective opinion about any of it since it’s happening to me. Seriously!! So it happens to me, I suffer from the consequences, yet I don’t get a say in any of it since it’s happening to me!!! And I thought I could have him talk some sense into my dad… well, good job G, all my dad needed was someone to tell him he’s right… I swear if I didn’t love the two of you, I would have… who am I kidding… I wouldn’t do a thing.

Anyways, in a desperate attempt to get back in touch with my long lost optimism, and follow that new there's-a-silver-lining approach, here are some good things that helped make that day bearable…

Having a free line to call my best friend whenever I feel like I need a boost…

Sharing a few occasional jokes with my dad away from all the drama that’s going around and his opinionated point of view…

Having a friendly conversation that would make me laugh and smile at the simplest of things…

Being able to talk myself out of my own prejudices and rise above them, with grace…

Seeing my almost four-month son smile with joy just because I looked at him and said “hey”…

Having my older son waking for a couple of moments to check if I am sitting next to him, throwing me a kiss and then going back to sleep as peacefully as he was…

I think that’s a good reason for me to go to bed with a smile on my face, even if I don’t end up sleeping as fast as I would hope…

August 30, 2007

Is it true??!!!!!

You Are 1: The Reformer
You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong.High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them.
You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect.You have uncompromising integrity, and people expect you to be fair.
At Your Best: You are hopeful, honest, and inspiring. You bring out the best in humanity.
At Your Worst: You are intolerant, judgmental, and picky.
Your Fixation: Resentment
Your Primary Fear: Being corrupt.
Your Primary Desire: To be good.
Other Number 1's: Al Gore, Martha Stewart, Gandhi, Celene Dion, and Spock from Star Trek.
What Number Are You?

Ok, so i took the test twice, trying different varaiations of answers like Maat did... same result!!!

To the few people who actually think they know me, how true is that test???????????

On another note, MARTHA STEWART!!! Ask anyone, i am the worst houswife everrrr!!!

August 28, 2007

Something to think about...


By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

I don’t think I am left with much to say after those inspiring words…

August 24, 2007

A Utopian still!!!

I thought I hit rock bottom… I really really thought I did… then it got so much worse…

I thought I lost faith, almost did anyways….but thankfully, the more shit I got into the easier I could find my way back…

Even then, I though I lost faith in the basic goodness of people… that I was certain of… I was starting to adopt the all-people-are-bastards-until-proven-otherwise approach in life…

Until… I was talking with someone who was saying how love is overrated and the best is to like, not love….

I don’t know where it all came from, but I found myself saying the exact lines:

Love is not just something you feel for your partner in life… love has different forms, forms that could feel a lot stronger than that… I love my mom though I always always fight with her… I adore my dad though I resented him through my teenage years… I love my best friend and could rely on her any time… I am crazy about my sisters… my love for my kids runs in my veins… I love so many people who are good to me and I am hundred percent sure they love me back… the mere feeling of loving and being loved is very fulfilling, it makes you feel safe and protected….

Needless to say that the person I was talking to had very strong urges to throw up and said I was too cheesy to believe I had any shit going on with my life to start with… she kept saying that I am naive to actually think life is a beautiful place…

Truth is, I think life is shit… it is!!! Lucky for me, I have just come to remember how many people I have whom I can call and tell them all about my problems knowing that by the end of the phone call I will not be thinking about those problems… the only reason I wouldn’t call is because I wouldn’t like to expose myself, I mean if I could I could have just blogged about it day and night…

Just when I thought I couldn’t be anymore cynical, I find out that I still belong to that Utopia I thought I no longer believed in… yesss, I have friends as solid, strong and fancy as a marble staircase out of a fairytale and that makes my life worth its while…

I am so grateful… and I have made a resolution; I will let all those I love know that I love them… as shocked and sarcastic as they will be (they will practically make fun of me till I cry), I think they deserve to have that very same feeling I have as I am writing those lines… fulfilled, safe and protected.

p.s. I will quote kareemfromegypt and say “For anyone who feels like vomiting after reading this post, I left several buckets alongside the tissues by the exit :)

August 22, 2007

So here are the thoughts

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything… however; A LOT has been and still is going on with my life I wouldn’t even know where to start…. At some point I thought I would resume the “diary of an angry pregnant woman” that I started in my previous blog since I feel like I can talk about the things that had once kept me from resuming… perhaps someday I suppose…

For now I will just take a huge dump of thoughts without trying to make sense of any of them so that I can empty some room in my weary weary mind… then, I can sit back and analyze all that’s taking place in my not so bright life…

As articulate as I would like to think I am, I can never find the words when it comes to saying what I want… I swear every time I am asked what I want, I kinda go blank… sometimes I don’t even have a clue what I want, but even when I do, the words do not come out right!!! I find myself talking in an abstract manner to avoid specific things that I am sure are ok to ask for!! Even in prayers, I say the most ridiculous things and when I finally realize I am babbling I just go on “..God, You do know all, and You do know what I want and what’s good for me, so just let the best come my way”… I think I know how my little boy feels every time he wants something, yet can’t find the words to say it!! How strange is that?? A friend once told me it’s because I am so “tenka” I expect things to go my way without even asking… could be true, I am not in the mood to argue anyways… I’ll just end it there, I don’t know how to ask for the things I want the most and it makes me unhappy sometimes…

A lot of other things kinda make me unhappy these days… like walking into the airport and checking my luggage in… stepping into the plane as I find my seat and later having my meal served… shopping for perfumes makes me miserable these days and let alone nauseous… thinking of ice cream upsets me, I mean I love baskin’ robbins but every time I think I’d treat myself, I kinda remember haagen das and feel like crap!!! Let alone walking by furniture and interiors stores that I once just loved checking out; it awakens all the butterflies in my stomach and makes me just wanna throw up…. I know why all that makes me feel as bad as I do, and I think I will get over it in time, I just need some sort of closure to be able to do that… that needs further explanation but not now I guess…

Those constant headaches are coming back and attacking violently, along with the afore mentioned nausea and the familiar insomnia… it’s strange how I know where all that comes from and yet I can do absolutely nothing about it at this point… I want to take control over my life for the love of God... I want a lot of things, yet somehow I don’t know how to ask for them…

I wanna cry!! I have that very strong urge to cry… I mean come on, I have all the good reasons to… yet, I don’t seem to feel comfortable enough to do it… someone is always walking in on me making me feel so conscious of being called a whiny baby or a wimp or whatever label I am not comfortable with!! But I do need to cry and I am desperate for a shoulder to cry on… I really wish D was here, she’d know what to do with THAT…. I did send her an email saying that I am blank despite the unbearable overflow of emotions I feel and that I so needed her… she replied saying she knew exactly how I felt… I totally appreciated her words and started crying silently hoping no one would see me… I miss D so badly I guess, of all the bad times in my life, this is when I need her the most… anyways, I am happy she’s ok with her husband and her new life and hope she’d visit soon….

I get my daily dose of bull shit through a phone call that barely lasts 2 minutes…. I stay silent during that call and do nothing but mumble “yeah, ok, alhamdulilah, and in sha2 Allah, ok, bye” then hang up with an even worse headache!! I wish I could scream and lose control but I know it won’t make things any better…

With all the shit that’s been going in with my life, I just had that incident with my favorite aunt that I think scarred how I feel about her for life… I try to remain as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be, but I think I was too offended to pretend nothing ever happened… I know she didn’t mean to take her own dump of angry thoughts on me, and I know she has no clue what I am going through, but she had no right to blame me for things she knows I had no business in…. I still love her, but I am deeply hurt that I wanna detach myself from her, and perhaps put her in my “no longer favorite relatives” list, right next to K…

Which reminds me… I miss K… not him, I am too mad at him (not that much anymore, I don’t know)… I miss how close we were and how I could always think of him when I needed to feel good… now thinking of him makes me blue… and I kinda worry about him and his kids and wish there was a way I would find out more about how things are with him without having to ask other family members!!

Here is the most annoying thing… I wanna be around people… not just any people, those I love and trust… those who have known me before all that drama in my life took place and who also do not know it did take place… thing is, I know that if that happens and any of them asks how things are with me, I will either fake a smile and say things are ok, or blurt it all out and perhaps even cry and feel pathetic afterwards… not a great idea to be around those people as much as I would love to I guess… I will stick to those who know what’s going on and ask for updates!!

I am tired of telling those updates… they no longer feel like updates… nothing new happens, just more 7ar2 damm I guess… it feels like my life keeps revolving around the same issue over and over again!!! I hate that…

I don’t get why it’s not ok to be as rude and aggressive as I would like to be… I don’t know why I keep myself from behaving in a certain way… I want to return the harm and add even more to it… yet somehow I insist on being the better person and keep telling myself that life has its way of getting even with everyone… I am obsessed with people getting what they deserve and I just have no patience…

I don’t know why, but I see bad things happening all around… like I can no longer see anything good anymore!!! A relative of mine whom I am not so close to just went through her own tragic dilemma and I swear I felt so bad for her I am still considering I’d call her up and tell her all about my problems to make her feel better…. Does this mean I think I have more important drama? Perhaps… but I think hers sting as bad, only less harmful consequences… may be if I can make her feel better, things would get better for me!! Wow, I still have it in me to make other people’s drama all about me… didn’t grow much after all!!

I think I can go throw up for real now!!

To those who actually read it till the end… I know I should have warned you early on, but what did you expect when I said I’d take a huge dump of thoughts?!! Anyways, no one ever said life was fair…

August 6, 2007

I’m back!

To those who did not notice, I deleted by blog and then restored it only without the previous posts and their comments!! Why I did that?? I promise I will explain later.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been having a lot of things on my mind that I wanted to write and perhaps post, which led me to the conclusion that I missed my blog a lot. It’s not like the first time I deleted my older blog; this time I actually felt bad for deleting this one, that’s why I kept its name and template unchanged.

I was thinking of a fresh start, but I am the same person with the same thoughts and ideas, so… I will just say that I’m back!!