December 20, 2009

Homeless…



I was running an errand and I had to go to a home appliances and hardware store, and it hit me right there…

I am homeless.

I have been since I gave birth to my Beem! Since then, I lived with my in-laws and my sense of belonging to my own home vanished one day after the other; I couldn’t do my laundry whenever I wanted, yet I had to do it before anyone else beat me to it, making me look and feel like an incompetent wife. My life became even more stressful because I felt like a guest in addition to dealing with being a new mom. I kept failing one task after the other because I was spread too thin.

After I gave birth to my Mocha, I was back to my parents’, and until last May, I was struggling for my divorce. I have a room separate from the rest of the household, it has its own bathroom and it’s own “living”. However, I could never really do any of the little random purchases for none of the things I bought matched or belonged to my parents’ place, just like I no longer belong.

I stood there, staring at the laundry hamper trying to figure out if I shall buy it and keep it in my stuffed room anyways! The thought led to how I need to re-paint the damn room and get a closet to fit all our stuff in it, one thought led to the other and the final conclusion was clear, I do not have a home.

I know it’s a roof above my head and my kids’, but it’s not a home, not my home. I constantly feel like I have to abide by rules I supposedly outgrew just because I live under that roof. I am forced to go to Alex whenever there’s a family event, I am forced to go on vacations, I abide by dumb curfews because I do not want to upset my dad and because I owe them that little for taking care of me and my kids! Well, day after another, I feel less loved in this place, and it is most likely my oversensitivity, but I constantly feel used and disposable in a sense, and I don’t have the right to object because it’s not my place.

I need my place. I need to sit down and write how much it will cost me to move out and start making a plan, and follow it. I have no idea if it’s the right thing to do for either myself or my kids, but I am no longer sure what’s right; there are no guidelines, and every freakin’ thing is relative and all I know is that I can’t go on like that anymore!!

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Do what you want to do , don't accept that situation you won't aslan .... those who tried the taste of freedom can not accept being controlled again. I totally encourage you to found your own home. It'll be hard at first to manage all the responsibilities but freedom has its price and you'll come along in the end.

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insomniac said...

thanks!

a friend of mine is helping me look for a place, and i am settling my credit card bills by the end of this month isA!

once i find a place, i will start preparing it with basic things until i move in with the boys and make a home out of it, little by little... IN SHA2 ALLAH

i will probably let my parents know once i find a place!! rabena yostor!

chaimaa said...

besaraha, i 'm not in the place to give u an advice but if i were in ur shoes i will do the same ,i'm thinking of doing this now before marriage ....rabna ma3aky

Sara said...

although u'll be faced with loads of objections from the family for such a decision , i think its a good decision .. there is a certain point where parents must realize that their children are not babies anymore and that they can have independent lives ..

insomniac said...

for this decision to be taken right, a few things need to be done first...

still figuring out thr right plan... need to be less angry and less emotional; working on it!