Another insomniac night…

23:00 (or so) – I go to bed so that I can wake up at six and drive to Cairo, and be on my desk on time.

01:10 – I open my eyes for absolutely no reason… I toss and turn in bed until I dose off.

02:20 – I open my eyes again! Could it be the headache? I keep trying to convince myself to sleep again until all of a sudden, I burst into tears, too many tears! I barely walk to the bathroom, splash cold water on my face and go back in bed and dose off again.

02:45 – Beem screams in his sleep, so I reach out to his bed, and tell him “ana hena ya beem”, he says he wants to go to the bathroom, I switch the light on, and wait for him until he’s back and tuck him in bed, then I fall asleep again!

03:30 – I open my eye again to realize that I was just having a nightmare of someone trying to get into my hotel room, and that Beem was scared. I feel like someone was literally pulling the headache out of my eyes and nostrils and that my scull feels like it has been shaken and rattled all night long! Se3bet 3alaya nafsy tany but I couldn’t even cry; I was too tired! I take off my sweatshirt, and sleep in my t-shirt under the covers.

06:00 – I hear the humming of Manha de Carnaval, my alarm is off, I snooze and stay in bed trying to convince myself to get up from under the covers. I finally reach out for my sweatshirt and put it on. As tired as I was, I just didn’t think I could sleep one more minute and get startled that way again!


I made it to work on time; actually, I am never on time when I leave from home, which is in the same neighborhood as my work!! All through the way, I listened to music and kept the windows of my car opened as I was driving at a 120km/hr speed!

I am just realizing now that I am both sleepy and hungry, and the headache is coming back! My boss told me I could go home, but I know I won’t get any sleep with that insomnia! Oh, and that night was after an entire coffee-free day!!!!!!

Evidence that I shouldn’t be left alone with the voices in my head…HELP!

*stupid stupid stupid*
-ok I am stupid, no need to rub it in!-


*ya ghabbeya*
-we ba3dein ba2a!!-


-I’m bored-
*don’t do something stupid*
-ufffff-


I sit and overanalyze…
The why’s and the how’s and what the hell’s…
I hide from my mirror image; she knows too much!
Yet she follows me every time I wash my face, and her eyes stare right into the thoughts I hide, humphfff!


Flu bad…
I don’t need more time resting, not that way;
I’ll have more space to overanalyze some more, ehe2!!!
I lost my voice, I am not even sure it will be back…
I don’t have the energy to talk, ME!!!!
I sit back some more…


I sit an observe…
Are those mistakes similar to mine? Was I like that?
In my heart, I know I wasn’t…
Damn you self doubt!!


*you know it’s not the same, stop it*
-I’m bored!-
*and hurting yourself is entertaining?! IDIOT*
-uffff-


I stare myself in the mirror…
My eyes are red, blood red, and they hurt…
A7san bardu, I didn’t want to see whatever it is I was looking for!


-I miss…-
*shhhh, sleep! It’s the time when you’re of least danger to yourself, etkhemdy*
-but…-
*shhhhhhhh*


I keep coughing in my sleep, I can almost feel someone is snatching my throat out and tearing into it with a coarse knife…
It’s too hot and I can’t seem to have any good sleep, I lower the a/c temperature…
I go back to bed and fall into a comma that ends with a nightmare of the x going all coocoo and trying to kill me and the boys…
I wake up to find the scratches on my arms and my neck…
My eyes are still red like I’ve never slept in my entire life…


-I don’t care, I miss… I don’t know, I am missing something, having a goal perhaps, doing something I enjoy, anticipating something I want… I feel restless despite being sick and I wanna go out and do something about it-
*etweksy*
-na3am!!!-
*aywan, etweksy, need I say more?*
-uffff-

Wishing and Hoping

There’s an old saying, careful what you wish for

I have this as my greeting on my mobile to remind me to never wish for things…

To just hope and accept when my hopes do not come to reality, and move on…

Never wish so hard because you spend too much energy and you will always end up disappointed, whether you get what you wished for or not.

It's that simple, or at least it should be!

Yet a wish always finds a way to sneak into my heart and into my prayers…

And for whatever reason, it comes true, as farfetched as it could be!

And it's just never the right wish!

I just wish for once that the right wish comes true for a change! And by the right, I mean the one that would really make me happy even if I don’t see it right now!

If that is not possible, then I wish I could just stick to hoping and learn not to get my hopes too high; one simple thing at a time should do…

I wish, no I hope…

It baffles me…

It baffles me that I keep saying things and contradicting them; how I give up on things yet still hold on to whatever it is that ties me to them. It gets twice as confusing because I barely know what I want to start with.

I say I don’t want the things everybody else wants, but I can’t find it in me to push them away when they come knocking my door. I tell myself that I can do without, but I secretly miss them as my stubborn self takes over and shuns them away. I do it proudly and I tell myself I know better, but do I, or do I just behave that way out of utter pride and narcissism?

And when it gets hard for me to take, I let my mind play its vicious tricks; I consciously project my fears and insecurities into others’ behaviors, my worst and most fatal defense mechanism. I focus on my flaws and magnify them and tell myself it’s impossible for people to get along with me, I build walls to shield me to hide behind them safely so that I can break down and cry away from people’s sympathy. But why can’t I give in and cry now that I had built my walls? Arn't they thick enough? I am too tired to build them thicker.

Why aren’t things simple? Can’t I just want to be happy and leave it at that? Yeah yeah, happy is relative and so is everything, and knowing me, I’d probably roll my eyes at too many things life offers me in an attempt to give me that so called happiness. Why can’t I stop being so picky about every particular thing?

My good friends tell me I am picky because I should be, because I deserve the best, but I am starting to think they tell me that because they ran out of words to soothe me. May be I should stop being picky, or perhaps just stop expecting anything to come my way and give up on all of it.

Sorry for the morbid mood.

Not so random thought…

hopeful, disillusioned… nostalgic, bitter… optimistic, cynical… smiling, miserable… comfortable, restless… sleepy, insomniac…

in case the last word didn’t give it away, it’s me; all me!

it doesn’t even make sense to me, yet somehow it does!

I am not even sure I can explain… I think I’ve lost it, and I don’t even know what it is really…

Bye bye August!

August has been…........... I guess there are no words to describe it really!

I met some new people, friends that I would like to keep…

I caught up with old childhood friends, found out we’re still the same, only years older from since we last met…

I laughed, I cried…

I felt too warm and happy, but again, I felt sad and hollow…

I regained my faith in some people I thought I had once given up on, and I also lost faith in some whom I once cherished, and still cherish that it kinda hurts…

I smiled, I couldn’t speak my mind, I tried to express myself and I couldn’t, so I just smiled…

I made too many decisions that I still don’t know how to put in an action plan, but at least I know I did make some decisions, hard ones…

I finally asked for something I wanted, and I got it! For the first time I get something that I had actually asked for…

I couldn’t say a lot of words out of loud, not even to myself… I played them in music, but no one listened, not even me…

Words still couldn’t come out, so I smiled and nodded though no one was looking… played more music, few tears fell, my heart ached, but the words never came out!

Decisions are hard, especially the right ones…

One reoccurring thought though… I am alone and I am scared… I keep looking for peace, company, and reassurance in my kids’ eyes, I find some, a lot actually! Yet, somehow, the feelings still linger more strongly!

August made me happy, but left me with sadness. It could be because my sadness is still too much for any happiness to take its place, but I know deep down that one day, my sadness will no longer haunt my happy days… I could be either optimistic or delusional, either one will do for now!

Bye bye August...

I can be quite impossible, I know!!

I’ve had the worst toothache since Tuesday night, the worst!! Since then, and perhaps even since before, I’ve been too sensitive towards every single little thing that I’ve been told or simply heard being said in my presence!! I can be intolerable that way, or as my baby sis refers to it “dramatic”

Yesterday, my toothache was too painful I silently sulked in bed and avoided human interaction as much as I could, especially that I had a painful day in the club with the humidity, the sun and the works (my mom and kids, with the latter not so gracefully reacting to the heat and the humidity)!! My day couldn’t suck more! Ok, now that was dramatic.

Today was much better though! My dentist fixed me, even if it’s just temporary, but at least I can actually shut my mouth without jumping in pain! Moreover, I dare say I had a good day; it’s funny how I had one of my best days in quite a while (since last Friday to be exact) without having to say much!!

But with the toothache gone, leaving some space for all those thoughts in my head, I am starting to feel other different kinds of pain!! My head hurts, I am feeling noxious, and oh my God, the insomnia is hitting twice as hard although I have not touched coffee since Thursday!!!

And suddenly, I feel like I miss my toothache!!!!

I am not saying I am not happy, I am!! I am just too overwhelmed by a lot of other things that I can’t seem to quite grasp!!

Change!

I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

Close enough to craziness...

I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?

On Signs

Do you believe in signs; as in things that happen along the way that help put you on your right path, or the other for that matter?

I think I believe in them! Yes, I think; I always use the word ‘think’ to neutralize anything I am about to say; it’s a Gemini thing I guess!

Back to signs, I am all for the notion “everything happens of a reason”; nonetheless, I continue to miserably fail in figuring out the right reason at the right time!

So when things are going rather smooth and easy, is it “because it is meant to be”? or “it is blessed”? or is it “the calm before the storm”??

And when things are hard and complicated, is it “because it is not meant to be”? or “it is jinxed”? or is it “it’s a test to see how badly we want it and to see what we’re truly made of”? or “nothing really comes easy in life”?

While I am at it… which one is it?? Should we fight for what we want and what we believe?? Or should we let it go and if it is meant to be it will happen anyway; if it’s ours, nothing will change that??

My problem is not about believing in signs I guess; it’s interpreting them that I find very tricky. I am in peace with my destiny; I know that all that had happened somehow happened for a reason. I kinda figured some of the reasons, only rather late! I saw the signs early on, I just misinterpreted them.

I learned a lot along the way; I learned how to control my temper, how to stop myself from blurting the wrong things when I am angry, I learned to think of consequences, I learned to put myself in the other person’s shoes, I learned to take it easy with the worrying and the obsessing, I learned that I am incapable of inflicting harm, I learned to have more faith, I learned to have a little patience, I learned to let go and not look behind, I even learned to stop asking ‘why’ when knowing is useless!

I haven’t however learnt one thing, or two; I haven’t learned how to totally trust my instincts without thinking I could be wrong and that things could be the other way around; and hence, I haven’t learned how to interpret any signs.

So now, signs just keep on haunting me instead of giving me peace and reassurance!! What a mess? And just when I thought I knew how things would go!

Nonetheless, I can’t stop smiling... for that i am eternally grateful :) I just keep forgetting to breathe.

Random, yet revolving around the same thought!

Last night I went to bed at around 11!! I slept until noon!!! But it wasn’t real sleep; it was interrupted by my sons waking up every few hours and me having dreams about real life events… not cool.

An old friend stumbled upon my facebook account and sent me a two line message that made a few tears fall on my cheeks!

I answered the message in three short paragraphs that sounded like old cheerful me…

My mood was just ruined… I turned to my irritated self, very impatient with everyone; my ma, my sisters, and my sons… I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t deal with anyone.

I want to be alone; when I feel lonely; all I want is to be alone, not surrounded by people who expect me to act in a certain way. If their presence won’t make me less lonely, then I’d rather be alone.

In a failed attempt to shake off the mood, I dressed my kids, got dressed my self, and went out…

I don’t know what I was thinking, taking my kids out when I am in that mood. I was distracted; too many thoughts, too many voices yelling in my head forcing me to literally shake my head hoping they would go away.

I went to bed shortly after I returned home; I though sinking underneath the sheets would just help. Instead, I felt cold inside out! My heart was shivering, and so was my body.

I turned on my mp3 player hoping music would help! It didn’t. It’s like the stupid ipod knew which songs to play despite the shuffling!! I kept choking up, I couldn’t breathe normally, I couldn’t even cry!

A few songs later, I stared crying… just a few tears like earlier this morning… choked… and it was like I was forcing the tears out hoping I’d feel better, but wasn’t really!! Crying no longer helps; it makes me feel weak and makes breathing much harder than it already is.

Insomniac as ever, lying in my bed, shivering and feeling scared… no longer crying, my eyes have run dry I guess. I lay on my side, trying so hard to put my finger on the reason I am feeling that way, but I think it’s just……. I don’t know!

What’s wrong with me??!! I am freaking out over a few lines and a couple of songs!! I can’t stand being around people… I don’t feel like I can open up to anyone anymore… I can’t even write about it… what’s wrong with me?

Dark dark thoughts that haunt me…

I have no one but myself to blame. I will not blame my bad mood or anyone, not today. I will not say that the troubles I have breathing right now are attributed to my mom’s thoughtless words or my bumpy divorce or the huge piece of shit from hell* I once fell for.

Well, I can blame him, but I choose not to. I blame me…

Not for falling for the wrong person; we all do that at one stage of our lives.

Not for choosing to ignore the millions of signs and choosing to see him as noble as I thought he was; I was young and naive and entitled to be wooed by a good looking guy who spoke well and made me feel loved.

But I will forever blame myself for accepting to live by his rules, rules I know I would have never agreed to and never actually did, but only lived by them to please him. I will forever blame myself for keeping unexplainable distance between myself and a lot of people just to make him feel secure.

This is what I blame myself for every time one or some of his lies unravel.


I do it to myself every time…

Every time I think I am strong enough to say that I am totally over the pain he caused, I receive yet another slap in the face…

But do I deserve it?? Perhaps… after all, I do seek the truth, truth that I know shall never bring peace to my soul.

But I challenge myself because I need to know for sure if I healed; I want to feel healed, is it that bad? Yes, for I know I will never be healed; I have more than just c-section scars, I have emotional scars that may seem to have healed but they are bound to sting whenever I pour salt on them, which I do!!

I just want my closure; every single time I think I have it, it slips right through my fingers leaving me with more pain than I can handle… will it ever end?? The only closure I would accept is to know he’s sorry and he’s paying the price, but it may take more than my lifetime to get that. Why don’t I just have faith that he will get what he deserves in time?? I blame the stupid stupid notion that bad things are bound to happen to bad people and that in fairy tales, the villain is bound to suffer in the end. But my end seems to be much further than in fairy tales.


Even when I am in my strong moments, my mind can’t help but wander to two devastating thoughts…

Number one: has he always been like that, or did he simply change??? It hurts to think I was THAT stupid not to see him for who he is… I thought I was smarter than that; my friends always told me I was smarter than that!! If only they see me now!

Seriously, was it all a lie??? I hate to admit I will never really know for sure… stop moping, get over yourself already! You hate whining, so quit doing it, suck it up and move on and don’t be such a wimp.


Number two: I can’t believe I am the best option my kids have!!!!! Seriously, given how much my mom and I have been fighting lately, and how she keeps bringing up that I am a terrible person and mother, I am starting to believe her shit! Let alone that when she says things like how she’s tired babysitting mocha, my pride itches and I hate myself for needing her help, or my sisters’ for that matter… yeah, i resent needing help.

I hate to admit that I have considered for a fraction of a second sending them to their father and his family to take care of them. That thought was rejected instantly for I know for a fact they provide an even worse environment.

Which brings me back to my thought, am I really the best option they have? May God have mercy on them… my heart was breaking as I was crying my eyes out to my friend H on the phone telling her how inadequate I feel. I appreciate her extremely soothing words reassuring me that it was the sleep deprivation and the effect of mama’s words talking, not my normal self (whatever that is), but the thought still lingers: Am I the best they have??????


My head won't leave my head alone*


* N has exclusive copy rights of the words in italics followed by an Astrix.

One more thing, ruined!!

I always like receiving emails and text messages --- not those forwards and group kinda messages; it’s basically because I have good friends who check on me or have something humorous to tell me. So I usually have a big smile on my face almost every time I check my email or my cell phone. A friendly name pops there and I am all anxious to read the content.

Now, every time I hear the message tone on my cell phone, my heart jumps (and not in a good way, like a cruel fist is squeezing the life out of it) and I think to myself “Rabena yostor”… now, it’s either an insult or a curse, or basically something that would make me smile sarcastically to hide more pain.

It’s pathetic, I mean I know it’s his only way of ruining my peaceful times. I know he knows I stay up until dawn and that he probably just got back or may be still out with friends and thought it would be a good idea to send me some of his precious pearls of wisdom in this specific time to shake me up a bit.

Khalas, balash messages ya Rab, mesh ayza la emails wala messages, wala hatta telephonat…. Ana ayza ana we mesh ayza had yesaheeny… insomnia sucks!

So here are the thoughts

It has been quite a while since I last posted anything… however; A LOT has been and still is going on with my life I wouldn’t even know where to start…. At some point I thought I would resume the “diary of an angry pregnant woman” that I started in my previous blog since I feel like I can talk about the things that had once kept me from resuming… perhaps someday I suppose…

For now I will just take a huge dump of thoughts without trying to make sense of any of them so that I can empty some room in my weary weary mind… then, I can sit back and analyze all that’s taking place in my not so bright life…


As articulate as I would like to think I am, I can never find the words when it comes to saying what I want… I swear every time I am asked what I want, I kinda go blank… sometimes I don’t even have a clue what I want, but even when I do, the words do not come out right!!! I find myself talking in an abstract manner to avoid specific things that I am sure are ok to ask for!! Even in prayers, I say the most ridiculous things and when I finally realize I am babbling I just go on “..God, You do know all, and You do know what I want and what’s good for me, so just let the best come my way”… I think I know how my little boy feels every time he wants something, yet can’t find the words to say it!! How strange is that?? A friend once told me it’s because I am so “tenka” I expect things to go my way without even asking… could be true, I am not in the mood to argue anyways… I’ll just end it there, I don’t know how to ask for the things I want the most and it makes me unhappy sometimes…


A lot of other things kinda make me unhappy these days… like walking into the airport and checking my luggage in… stepping into the plane as I find my seat and later having my meal served… shopping for perfumes makes me miserable these days and let alone nauseous… thinking of ice cream upsets me, I mean I love baskin’ robbins but every time I think I’d treat myself, I kinda remember haagen das and feel like crap!!! Let alone walking by furniture and interiors stores that I once just loved checking out; it awakens all the butterflies in my stomach and makes me just wanna throw up…. I know why all that makes me feel as bad as I do, and I think I will get over it in time, I just need some sort of closure to be able to do that… that needs further explanation but not now I guess…


Those constant headaches are coming back and attacking violently, along with the afore mentioned nausea and the familiar insomnia… it’s strange how I know where all that comes from and yet I can do absolutely nothing about it at this point… I want to take control over my life for the love of God... I want a lot of things, yet somehow I don’t know how to ask for them…


I wanna cry!! I have that very strong urge to cry… I mean come on, I have all the good reasons to… yet, I don’t seem to feel comfortable enough to do it… someone is always walking in on me making me feel so conscious of being called a whiny baby or a wimp or whatever label I am not comfortable with!! But I do need to cry and I am desperate for a shoulder to cry on… I really wish D was here, she’d know what to do with THAT…. I did send her an email saying that I am blank despite the unbearable overflow of emotions I feel and that I so needed her… she replied saying she knew exactly how I felt… I totally appreciated her words and started crying silently hoping no one would see me… I miss D so badly I guess, of all the bad times in my life, this is when I need her the most… anyways, I am happy she’s ok with her husband and her new life and hope she’d visit soon….


I get my daily dose of bull shit through a phone call that barely lasts 2 minutes…. I stay silent during that call and do nothing but mumble “yeah, ok, alhamdulilah, and in sha2 Allah, ok, bye” then hang up with an even worse headache!! I wish I could scream and lose control but I know it won’t make things any better…


With all the shit that’s been going in with my life, I just had that incident with my favorite aunt that I think scarred how I feel about her for life… I try to remain as understanding and considerate as I can possibly be, but I think I was too offended to pretend nothing ever happened… I know she didn’t mean to take her own dump of angry thoughts on me, and I know she has no clue what I am going through, but she had no right to blame me for things she knows I had no business in…. I still love her, but I am deeply hurt that I wanna detach myself from her, and perhaps put her in my “no longer favorite relatives” list, right next to K…


Which reminds me… I miss K… not him, I am too mad at him (not that much anymore, I don’t know)… I miss how close we were and how I could always think of him when I needed to feel good… now thinking of him makes me blue… and I kinda worry about him and his kids and wish there was a way I would find out more about how things are with him without having to ask other family members!!


Here is the most annoying thing… I wanna be around people… not just any people, those I love and trust… those who have known me before all that drama in my life took place and who also do not know it did take place… thing is, I know that if that happens and any of them asks how things are with me, I will either fake a smile and say things are ok, or blurt it all out and perhaps even cry and feel pathetic afterwards… not a great idea to be around those people as much as I would love to I guess… I will stick to those who know what’s going on and ask for updates!!


I am tired of telling those updates… they no longer feel like updates… nothing new happens, just more 7ar2 damm I guess… it feels like my life keeps revolving around the same issue over and over again!!! I hate that…


I don’t get why it’s not ok to be as rude and aggressive as I would like to be… I don’t know why I keep myself from behaving in a certain way… I want to return the harm and add even more to it… yet somehow I insist on being the better person and keep telling myself that life has its way of getting even with everyone… I am obsessed with people getting what they deserve and I just have no patience…


I don’t know why, but I see bad things happening all around… like I can no longer see anything good anymore!!! A relative of mine whom I am not so close to just went through her own tragic dilemma and I swear I felt so bad for her I am still considering I’d call her up and tell her all about my problems to make her feel better…. Does this mean I think I have more important drama? Perhaps… but I think hers sting as bad, only less harmful consequences… may be if I can make her feel better, things would get better for me!! Wow, I still have it in me to make other people’s drama all about me… didn’t grow much after all!!


I think I can go throw up for real now!!

To those who actually read it till the end… I know I should have warned you early on, but what did you expect when I said I’d take a huge dump of thoughts?!! Anyways, no one ever said life was fair…