November 24, 2009

Not again!!

… the profoundest changes take place within a very reduced time frame. When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready.

The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny

- Paulo Coelho' Author's Note from The Devil and Miss Prym

That’s what I am so afraid of, and it stared me right in the eye when I was trying to distract myself by reading!

I don’t hate change, I am rarely ever scared of it or unwilling to do it, on the contrary, I throw myself right into it, and that scares me. The possibility that the change could be to the worse or that it would bring out the worst in me is what terrifies me.

Uff ba2a! we kaman I barely know who I am and what I want for it to change already, mesh 3ayza al3ab khalas! Being a Gemini can get really exhausting!


Anonymous said...

Coelho was not speaking about change indefinitely; he was speaking about the changes we believe we're not ready for - yet.

This is very critical; we're usually not bold enough to take the next step, even though we actually want to. This is not a miscalculated or a wrong step, no, in our perception, this is merely an early step. Sometimes, it's our dream knocking!

Only life suddenly decides to show you the door and take you off guard, most probably when you think you're the least ready for it, but guess what, life is somehow balanced to perfection. I don't really know if this will sound overly sappy, but you summoned the door yourself.

I believe in that, I just do. You're the one who asked life to put you to test. You've been studying for it, only you're always crippled with that feeling, the not-ready-yet feeling. Well, no one was that ready .. ever!

So Coelho was right, there's no second chances really, the only thing you'll have to surmount is the fear, a thing that needs an abundant of courage if you ask me, but then again, what life is holding for you in the future, won't come for less courageous people I guess - sort of a closed circle that logically proves itself if you get me.

If you find yourself reflecting in a way like this: "Why am I afraid, I should be expecting this, this is what I really want", then chances are your destiny is about to change and it's in your own hands to go with it.

I guess that's what he meant.

P.S. sometimes you know exactly who you are when you see how the profoundest change he talked about will affect your life, suddenly you will just .. know. And many were defined by changes rather than self introspection. I guess.

See how enlightening I am? :D
(enlightening and making sense can be two different things sa3at :D)

Queen of Shiba said...

wow!! that's one powerful quote!
i think this is exactly what's been happening to me lately..and i'm still trying to cope, it's happening too fast!

insomniac said...

ok ibhog, i owe you a long reply :)

yes, i sort of agree that we do summon change, or the ultimate test for it... and i know that we never really know if it's the right time or not, la2en chances are, it will always be too early...

if it's a test, i fear to fail... if it's a challenge, i worry about what i might lose... if it's a change, i just need it to be for the better... but the definition of "fail", "lose", or "better" is never the same, at least for me...

i preach day and night to myself that there is no room for regret in whatever choices i make, and i try to stand by my grounds as much as i can... but perhaps because lately i have tasted a little of what regret is like, i am scared that one day when i older and weaker, i'd look back at my life and feel more of it...

ok too gloomy!!!

and you actually had a point... my restless nature can never wait for what's next... the studying-for-the-test analogy applies, only with a slight difference... back in college, my colleagues would spend HOURS rehearsing for presentations, and they would make me watch them and act as a referee... i just never had it in me to do like them... i never practiced, i was the one who prepared the slides and every word on every slide came from my mind, so i needed not rehearse it, i will just go out there, make the presentation and be my spectacular self (ahem, humble awy)... and i could never endure the suspense, i was usually the second to go... bardu i wouldn't go first because i needed my prof to see me against someone who's not as good as i'd be... well, ahem again, mesh maghroora, i just knew how to make myself shine back then... ok, that was too much babbling!

i guess i can't wait for my change, and i am worried about ever regretting it nonetheless... i am a very complicated woman :)

was that long enough for you???

insomniac said...

Queen of Shiba,

that's the thing with change :)

it's either too fast and extreme and sudden for you to grasp and cope, or too slow for you to trace it until it's done... it always sneaks upon you, and you never really feel ready, no matter how you might think you've taken your time planning and anticipating it!