Homeless…

I was running an errand and I had to go to a home appliances and hardware store, and it hit me right there…

I am homeless.

I have been since I gave birth to my Beem! Since then, I lived with my in-laws and my sense of belonging to my own home vanished one day after the other; I couldn’t do my laundry whenever I wanted, yet I had to do it before anyone else beat me to it, making me look and feel like an incompetent wife. My life became even more stressful because I felt like a guest in addition to dealing with being a new mom. I kept failing one task after the other because I was spread too thin.

After I gave birth to my Mocha, I was back to my parents’, and until last May, I was struggling for my divorce. I have a room separate from the rest of the household, it has its own bathroom and it’s own “living”. However, I could never really do any of the little random purchases for none of the things I bought matched or belonged to my parents’ place, just like I no longer belong.

I stood there, staring at the laundry hamper trying to figure out if I shall buy it and keep it in my stuffed room anyways! The thought led to how I need to re-paint the damn room and get a closet to fit all our stuff in it, one thought led to the other and the final conclusion was clear, I do not have a home.

I know it’s a roof above my head and my kids’, but it’s not a home, not my home. I constantly feel like I have to abide by rules I supposedly outgrew just because I live under that roof. I am forced to go to Alex whenever there’s a family event, I am forced to go on vacations, I abide by dumb curfews because I do not want to upset my dad and because I owe them that little for taking care of me and my kids! Well, day after another, I feel less loved in this place, and it is most likely my oversensitivity, but I constantly feel used and disposable in a sense, and I don’t have the right to object because it’s not my place.

I need my place. I need to sit down and write how much it will cost me to move out and start making a plan, and follow it. I have no idea if it’s the right thing to do for either myself or my kids, but I am no longer sure what’s right; there are no guidelines, and every freakin’ thing is relative and all I know is that I can’t go on like that anymore!!

Angry Mode Alert… and time to kick some a**

I am so pissed off on so many levels to the extent that I am screaming in my head with obscene words I am not even sure I understand!!

I could write about five posts at least discussing each –different- reason behind that anger and ranting nonstop about how things are just not freakin’ right! But I am too angry to be coherent…

Now dear blog readers, I need more than your moral support (which I always ALWAYS appreciate) on this one… if anyone who reads this happens to work in the AUC, or knows someone who works there and has the right contacts to make sure I’m heard , please contact me on my email; in case my email is not clear on my blogger ID page, it is myoblivia@gmail.com.

Thanks.

The Futility of the Dance!!

I have high hopes when it comes to people, but when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, I am extremely cynical.

After all, I have every right to be, having survived my own romantic relationship that led to marriage, which led to infidelity, which led to humiliation and divorce. I’d like the rest of my life to be of less drama thank you very much.

So to go by, I decided on a list of things to help me survive whatever the years will throw at me… here’s a sample

Love is tricky; you slip in fast, it fills the eye and the heart leaving the mind completely misled. Most tragically, it fades, it always fades, either from your heart or from the other person’s leaving you either unhappily honoring a commitment you promised to maintain, feeling disregarded by someone who wants to honor his/her commitment, or cheating (one way or the other) or being cheated upon.

Before you tell me I am being too hard and bitter on love, walk a mile in my shoes…

I have enough friends in relationships (marriage and/or otherwise), most of which are considering/trying to get out of them!!! And the ones who are keeping the façade of contentment are very obviously trying to convince themselves that they’re facing the bumps on their roads and that this is what relationships are like!! I really wish for the latter that they get through their bumps and find the happiness for which they are searching, I honestly do.

Having heard my share of stories, I have noticed how differently men and women see things; I get to hear the guy’s take and I get to hear the girl’s take and I almost seizure every time I find myself seeing how it’s all a communication problem due to the male/female different perceptions.

And no, I am not wiser than my fellow females, I am just detached from the problems having to hear about them rather than live them. When a male friend tells me his side of the story where his significant other is behaving a way close enough to what I would have done had I been in her place, I tell him how she got there and why she’s acting that way, I say it calmly after I acknowledge his side of the story and confirm that his point is valid!

That’s when my friend would say I am the wisest woman he had met, only what he doesn’t know is that I get to be that wise because I am not investing my emotions on him, I get to be that calm and understanding and let myself see his side because my love and care for him are not the kind that would make me hurt when he doesn’t see mine, while his significant other is blinded by the one thing that makes her want to be with him, her love to him!!! And to complicate things further, being detached doesn't mean you have a solution because in relationships, the only people who can actually make change are the couple themselves!! The irony!

This makes me think that the way couples understand a relationship, at least here in Egypt, they would always need a couples counselor who would constantly referee their relationship and advocate their points of view to one another!! Does anyone see how pathetic that is, or is it just me???

I have always thought of relationships to be like a dance a couple perfect over time; when one of them moves forward, the other knows that it’s their time to move backwards to give them the needed space. Yes, in the learning process, they will step on each other’s toes and probably get hurt from time to time, but the idea of them needing constant coaching is just… scary!

It’s exactly like this: my partner steps on my toe while moving forward, my natural instinct would be telling him he did and at the same time prepare myself that he might accidentally do it again in his attempts to master the moves!! But no one excuses himself from the dance when such an incident happens to go tell the dancing coach “my partner just stepped on my foot!”

I am not denying the need for guidance; I just resent the idea of having to be eternally dependant on it. Actually, truth is, very few people acknowledge their need for initial guidance; as far as each and everyone of us is concerned, we all know best and we don’t need anyone’s help, which is even sadder! Perhaps it’s the reason why we needed that kind of guidance to begin with - damn arrogance!

So to sum this up, in a relationship, being in love does not mean you were born a dancer! There’s a lot to learn about your partner, a lot more to learn about yourself and your ability to adjust and compromise things. Do you know the things you’re capable of doing? Do you know your deal breakers? I seriously doubt any of us knows all of those, it’s a trial-and-error process and sadly you only get to find a few with every failed attempt of a relationship!

I just realized that I have run out of things to say without actually making a point! Truth is, I have none!!! I was just ranting about my constant disillusion at relationships and talking myself out of any future ones because I just don’t have any toes left for a blind fool to step on them!!

*I got the photo off the web some time ago, so I don't exactly remember the photo credits!

Friend of Foe?

Do I see the good in people because it's actually there or just because I desperately want to see it?

And by seeing what could be fake-good, am I setting my hopes too high only to fall after disappointment shatters my silly expectations?

It makes me both angry and confused that everyone else views what I see a nice gesture as a twisted and conniving move.

How stupid, delusional, and naïve must I be? Na2a, at this point, I am not unique or kind or even innocent, I must be plain HABLA, not to mention color blind if I fail to see what everyone else sees in bright colors!! I am still not even sure who’s right, those around me or myself?

Could it possibly be that I refuse to see the bad like everyone else because somehow it might diminish my self-worth – people are playing nice because they want something out of me, not because I deserve it…

Or is it simply because I do by people as I like them to do by me!

I can’t believe I still expect the truth from everyone just because I lay my cards as I promise in my most reassuring tone that I will not flee even if it’s not to my liking.

I have honored my word every single time; I have always told the truth, and I kept a straight face and even a compassionate tonee when told things others would reject, and I never showed any signs of dismay.

As hard as it is to believe, that I’d rather be insulted right to my face than be lied to or used without my knowing?

Why the games? Why the possibility of being played? Ufff!

People ask for honesty a lot more often than they can handle it, and more importantly a lot more often than they are willing to give it…

I will never understand people; how could I possibly when I fail to understand myself on daily basis?!

Mesh la3ba!

I don’t want to understand people, I don’t even care about understanding myself anymore; by the time I do I will either be dead or too old to make any use out of it!

But my question still lingers – have people become that cynical or am I that out of place and the world has gone bad a lot more than I can possibly think?!

In theory and in practice…

As a child, I remember being called “noisy”, “restless”, and “smart-mouth”; I distinctively remember fragments of incidents where people asked me to “pipe down” or “be quiet”, or the infamous “shhhhh”. Yet, I don’t recall being hated for it; I was the apple of my late nana’s eye, my uncle spoilt me rotten, actually all three from mama’s side, not to even mention my youngest two aunts!! I was the grandchild for mama’s side, except for my late grandfather, we disliked each other! As for baba’s side, I distinctively remember how kind my late grandpa was; I can fairly say I loved him. The rest of baba’s side is on the usual good and sometimes not so goodd terms, which is normal given that we live in two different cities.

Probably something changed along the way when I was a teenager. I became more observing and less noisy for I didn’t have any significant mishaps at school that would require my parents showing in for any explanation. I was the kid no one noticed really, but I had an opinion about everyone I’ve encountered. When I tell people that I was rather shy at school, they roll their eyes as they say something like “ya moftareya, you, shy?!” And it never feels like compliment by the way!!

I remember whenever we travelled abroad during those times, my dad would push me out of the car (by yelling at me) to walk to the convenience store in the gas station and ask for directions, 2al eh “khaleeky garee2a”. Of course, until now, I am still sure that it was about the whole men-don’t-ask-for-directions thing. Bottom line, my dad always insisted that I should be roughened up, mostly because “al ne3ma tazool” and secretly because he did not have boys and I was his first born.

I never realized I took so much after him until a prof atcollege who happened to have have graduated from the same college as my dad said “fe3lan, man shabah abah...”! Turns out that my dad was a real trouble maker –like I was in college-, the kind who stands up for what he thought was right and never backed down until he got what he thought was his, except that I did better than he did academically!

Everyone I know who happens to know my father says that I take too much after him, I must have mentioned that quite a few times. Even the things, I don’t take after him are pretty much influenced by him; a few people told me I am that strong because of the way he raised me and I am that tough on myself because I don’t want him to be tough on me. Possibly true.

In summary, I am strong, opinionated, stubborn, proud, kindhearted, responsible, ethically and morally aware, hot blooded, emotional and passionate, capable of using logic, socially smart because I am what he made me. In theory it is like the perfect result for an equation that took 28 years to balance.

In practice, it means NOTHING.

I am strong, but I have deadly weaknesses. Actually, my strengths and weaknesses are very hard to separate; I am deadly stubborn for my own good, but it is how I manage to stand up and not fall, I am borderline masochist in a rhetorical sense because I am too proud to be caught in fault by other, so my conscience (the big bully) takes it all out on me and no one else!!

I am opinionated, but I can lose my focus sometimes because of my kindheartedness, not to mention my stubbornness and my ridiculous pride.

I am forced by myself (and my obligations) to act responsible 80% of the time, which is really hard because I am a 28 year old who still refuses to see anything but a 4 year-old in her mirror image.

As for my so called sense of logic, it’s a joke when faced by my blind passion when I am emotional about something. Don’t I have my dad’s passion after all? I can cry when I am talking about someone I love, or imagine what it’s like for someone to lose a loved one! Isn't death one of the most logical things! I have my dad's crippled-emotions syndrome; until today, I don't know how to just lay in father's arms and cry when I am in distress.

And my ethics and morals, they are challenged on daily basis living in this world and having to deal with things I was never subjected to. things I never thought existed!! Turns out, I only have those ethics and morals because I only lived in my dad’s bubble where it was so darn easy to practice them!!

And socially smart is the biggest joke. It goes down the drain the moment I step out of that bubble; I am constantly stuggling in my head trying to figure out people based on their reactions and lies and pretenses, as much as they’re probably baffled by my honesty and unexplained friendliness or rudeness, not to mention my ever changing moods.

I am a big mess that my father made, and I love him to pieces for it, and I am rather grateful on my good days.

But today, I feel like I was asked to change all that, for him to have more peace of mind because he worries and he would hate for me to get hurt again because of the nasty world we live in, the nasty world he never told me existed or prepared me for!

I love my daddy. I generally love my messy self most of the time. I would change some of who I am for my dad or for the people I sincerely care for, but I would never change for a society for which I have no respect.

I know, not exactly wise, but who said I had one ounce of wisdom in me.

The only reason I could possibly (and very remotely) care about what people think of me is because now I know how badly it affects my dad when people say anything less than how amazing and great I am!!

It makes me want to cry when I think of how disappointed he might be at me because of an insensitive word when I know that deep down he is actually proud! It breaks my heart to even think of all the things he would feel when he is reminded that I am not that perfect. The thought of upsetting him horrifies because I know I'd want nothing but my own death the moment he leaves this world even if I leave my boys behind (like a 4 year old, I pray each day that his day never comes).

That’s why I keep crying like a baby when I remember how he asked me to act more like a divorcee and mind what people may think of me. He said it while affirming that he knows I do no wrong. He said it admitting what he never exactly acknowledged before “da mogtama3 qazer”. But daddy, you never told me how rotten this society is and you left me to find that out on my own in the most scarring ways, and I know I have a lot to yet learn that I wish I wouldn’t .

I don’t know how to practice all I know is right in theory, yet keep my head held high when I worry about you daddy holding yours high if you worry that much about the scum of our society! We Kaman ana lessa ma3amaltesh 7aga astahel 3aleeha kol da!

On being a parent, the things they never told me!

I know I am not alone and I surely know I have it a lot better than other people, alhamdulilah.

However, that does not deny me the right to rant and wonder how to make it better, no???

So here is the deal…

I have two boys, ages (almost) 4 and 2, we live with my family (father, mother, two sisters), my father is usually away Wednesdays to Saturdays and the boys see their dad on Fridays.

Anyone who’s followed my blog long enough would know for a fact that the their father is “zay 3adamo” as an efficient father figure; his only job is to spoil them rotten in the sense of “you’re missing out on lots of fun” which the kids do not pick up on much due to their short attention span. Their father is the same guy who calls me on my cell phone around 5 times when I take a bathroom break away from them and decide to sit down and have coffee to help me survive the stressful outing. AND, he’s the very same guy who keeps receipts of clothes, toys and meals he buys them!!!!! Do I really need to say more?!

I love my kids to pieces; I mean yeah, I whine 30 hours a day about how I miss being just myself without worrying about others the way I do... and yeah I run away in outings with friends whenever possible… but when I am out and I see other people’s kids within the same age as mine, I almost cry because I miss them!! I almost feel my uterus contracting like when they used to be in it and kick!!!!! It makes me feel guilty, an emotion I am not that much used to… momken awy la2enny 7aloofa!

That’s still not the issue; that was an introduction because I am a very talkative person…

Beem (my almost 4 year old) as cute as he is, is showing signs of needing tarbeyah, which I think is critical at his age if I want him to be a half decent human being at some stage of his life, hopefully right after surviving the horrid teenage years.

Looks wise, I think he looks a lot like me despite how everyone keeps saying he takes more after his dad. The reason I am mentioning the looks is that I don’t want anyone out there saying that I am emotionally unstable because he reminds me of his dad that way.

But the poor thing takes after his dad; he’s too analytical, he has very selective memory, he LOVES preaching and arguing like there’s no tomorrow, he never takes the blame and when he does it’s ALWAYS justified, and he uses his charm to get away with EVERYTHING!! For the astrological people out there, his dad is Libra and he’s Virgo; these are more or less the stuff they have in common as sunsigns too!

Now, I keep reminding myself that those things are general things about kids, but let me be accurate; he takes them to the next level!!! And I also realize few of those are good stuff if they’re developed the right way, but I don’t know how to, especially that they remind me of his dad a lot which makes me overreact, yes, I am aware that I do overreact and I am trying to control it!

I appreciate Beem’s IQ, and I love how he is so analytical to the extent that he doesn’t miss a single detail! I like how he remembers things I said; it keeps me on my toes keeping all the promises I make him, but it drives me crazy how he would just pretend to not remember my specific instructions, yes I know he’s only 4, but I have lately realized I can be a perfectionist Nazi (and an ethics Nazi like my friend was telling me)! His arguing skills impress me; very few people leave me speechless the way he does, but the kid has to know at some point that it can be annoying like hell!! And I won’t even comment on placing blame and getting out of it with charm, it makes me want to kill him, and then I look at his cute little face and I want to keep kissing his cheeks and eyes; he’s my CUTE Beem!!

And there’s another problem, the kid barely hangs with people from his gender aside from the rest of boys at the daycare! Between my dad being away and being entitled as a grandparent to spoil him rotten and his dad being a spoilt brat, I don’t have a strong authoritative figure who can also be a role model, which leaves me to do that role! Like I needed more reason to be more “man-like”! Now, I yell in thick scary voice when I have to, I do the threatening walk, and sometimes I hit… my heart aches when I overhear my mom telling him “hatesma3 el kalam walla 2a2ool le mama 3aleik” the way she used to tell me “haaaah, 2a2ool le baba!!”; I don't want to be the bad guy to my kids, not that kind of bad guy anyways... I've always pictured us being more like friends, not really happening :'(

I hate it when I am angry at him, especially that he is so sensitive; all I really want is for him to be able to realize right and wrong on his own and stand up and admit it when he’s wrong and be a man about it!! I realize very few men behave that way, and I realize the little thing is not even 4 yet, and I can tell I am being cruel, but I am scared of the alternative!! I don’t want to be one of those parents who bring more jerks into the world and end up defending their sick actions because there’s nothing that they can do about it!! My friend tells me that being too righteous is just as bad because it might actually lead to the same outcome, and the sad thing is that he’s right and I know it, but it’s HARD to figure out a balance, let alone keeping it!!

And that was just Beem!!!

I have double the worry about Mocha because he copycats his own brother and adds up more attitude since he’s the trouble maker!! I also have to watch out for sibling jealousy and be really smart about it when one of them tries to get the other in trouble (Mocha is a master doing it to Beem!!!), and I have to be very subtle about teaching them a lesson and being fair especially with how hillarious Mocha is (I respond better to good sense of humor than I do to charm!)

I feel tired just writing this, I can’t even imagine having to live it day to day, let alone doing it right!

I love them, I REALLY do, but I keep thinking “I didn’t sign up for this, I wasn’t even that enthusiastic about becoming a mother” (yeah not so motherly of me to say it!!)… A friend of my father laughs and tells me “if you do all the things your dad did with you, you’ll be safe; you and your sisters turned out great”, as sweet as it is, it’s not exactly true; MOREOVER, I am not the father in this scenario, I am the single mother and it makes it twice as hard especially when the other party is such a bad influence and barely acts as any sort of support!!
I don’t know how to be like my father when I still feel like one BIG child myself! I don’t think I’m fit to behave like an adult just yet!! I see now why baba did so many things I once disliked, and I feel for him.

When did it become not-ok to cry and kick the floor when things didn’t go my way!!

Such a Misleading Quote, Such a Misleading Notion!

Years ago (nine years to be exact), I saw the movie The Story of Us. For whatever reason, I liked the movie a lot, a part of me still does to tell you that truth! Back then, I was more into happy endings and that movie provided more than just that; it provided an example of a marriage that worked despite all the problems, what else would a girl who had just met a guy (whom she thought was one) want!

One of my favorite parts, or perhaps even my favorite was the part right before the end where Michelle Pfeiffer breaks down and decides to give the marriage another try, which apparently saves the marriage, for perhaps another 15 years or so!

Anyways, here is the quote from that scene since I wasn’t able to get the utube embedding code!


“I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood your in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time.

And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up! And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew, and an an an I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial

And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine.

And God you’re a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character! And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of?

That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times!I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply here does it?

What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you”


I remember how that quote got me to stay in the marriage when I first had doubts (strong ones) shortly after my Beem was born, or was it a bit before I had given birth! I remember the moment cut from all its surroundings; I remember sitting on the couch, rather collapsing when my friend who was trying to give me advice said “he loves you, he might have screwed up, but he loves you still, and it should count for something”!

I don’t blame my friend, he saw the x through my loving eyes for a very long time it was hard to even imagine that I was that mistaken about someone! And like me, he always thought people would live by his own ethics and standards, not theirs!

Anyways, that line echoed in my head so loudly, I even told my friend about that scene, and it helped him encourage me to stay married to the x for a couple of years until my second pregnancy and his next affair! I think given all the stuff mentioned on this blog as well as more that I kept to myself, no quote would have made me stay any longer!!

Seeing that scene again, it made me feel like the ending of the movie was fabricated to strengthen the notion of marriage or perhaps to give people a false hope that a marriage can survive no matter what!

Correction! A marriage can survive alright, but without the “no matter what” part! There are relationships that are worth fighting for, and I am all pro two-way communication, but don’t bullshit me into believing that love conquers all or people should overlook communication problems because they love each other!

Ok, I must admit I still like to believe marriage works and love conquers, not necessarily all, but conquers ay 7aga!

But does it????

Right now, I have seen enough examples that confirm that marriage doesn’t work, not the way I have seen people doing it anyway! The examples I see are basically divided into the following:

- Couples who are like time bombs waiting to explode due to piling up all sorts of lack of communication issues,
- Couples who are too preoccupied with their daily struggles of income-making and bills-paying and post baby-having issues that they keep telling themselves “all will be ok, once we work all those things out”, or
- Couples whom I don’t know well enough who seem perfect, and I am honestly too afraid to find out if they aren't!

So I leave it to you dear reader to tell me how cynical and bitter my own experience had made me! And if I am that cynical and bitter, don’t be kind because I once promised myself I won’t be, so help me keep that promise! Oh, and I didn't even mean for that post to be cynical, it just felt like one as I was ending it!!

Oh oh! above cynical opinion of marriage shall not apply to Slop & Sou who are currently on their honeymoon, yet they keep logging on!! I wish those two the happily ever after they deserve :) And guys, if you're checking this post, log out and enjoy the honeymoon already!!

An excerpt form a conversation that was never finished

This conversation took place between two real people, I could only share that much after removing some of its content to maintain anonymity. Nonetheless, it remains intriguing not because it's between a man and a woman, but rather because it's about what's they think is right and whether it's the only way!

Disclaimer: Like I said, the conversation was taken out of context; hence, it does not really reflect the characters or beliefs of those having it with regard to their gender roles. So I would really appreciate it if the comments did not attack either of the characters; otherwise, you're most welcomed to share your opinion.

X: anyways, women have it in them to endure khan2et their husbands, but it's not always happening the other way around… momken 3ashan men can have affairs while women's only outlet is complaining to their girlfriends, generally speaking… we eyak te2ool en you guys are the miserable ones having to resort to affairs since communication and whining are not your forte

Y: maho i think affairs are a sign of desperation that we are the victims :)… ya3ni wa7ed masalan fi balad kolaha masane3 naseegg… wi howa ma3andoosh elskills bta3et elnaseeg, fa byetarr yesra2 3ashan ye3raf ye3eesh… it’s an act of desperation, not of evil intent(not defending all men that do it, akeed some are evil)

X: so you were fe balad feeha naseeg bas, i say you either learn how to teshtaghal fel naseeg or leave to a country where you can make another living… mesh tesra2, because you as a person, deserve better than to sell yourself short for the easier solution… how would people evolve if they're not challenged?

Y: ana m3aki, thats why i say it’s a sign of desperation… just like turning to alcohol is a sign of desperation… mesh b2ool alcoholics are correct in their decision; i'm saying ppl who do that are desperate

X: el moshkela with your theory is… wait, heya mesh moshkela, i am basically confirming what ur saying… some people go through the same circumstances and don't let despair get a hold of them; desperation denies people better things they deserve… i know it's extremely hard to control if it finds its way to a person, close to impossible… but saying that whatever acts of desperation are ok madam one is desperate is like having a backdoor that's easier to open, and people would end up using that door instead of using the main door; and then the norms, what's right and wrong will be twisted as per the notion of "everybody’s doing it, so why can't we?"… which would take us back to “who will do the right thing ba2a”… we make the right thing harder to do when we say it's ok to do stupid things just because you’re desperate

Y: enti your situation, the "right thing" is simple; other situations it's much more complicated

X: fair enough… but i still insist en just because it's harder, it doesn't mean we should choose the easy way out; people don't grow doing the easy thing, there are lots of famous quotes saying it better bas what they never really emphasize on is that there’s a great sense of achievement one gets when they manage to do the hard thing and survives it… and because people do not hear about that part, they don’t find the right thing to be that rewarding, they just thing of it as part of the burden of “being good”… of course there will always be doubts, but we always doubt, don't we?

Y: bardo i agree, but that sense of acheivement comes afterwards, after it ends. When you're in the situation, to use another anology, when you're in the middle of the sea and you feel as if you're drowning, and your boat isn't keeping you afloat, then you see another boat that will help you, but it's not yours, you can't say "i won't steal that boat because it's wrong", you act out of desperation. I agree, it's illogical, irrational, etc., but all this is when we look back on it. Sa3etha it's a desperate move.

Update: If you have time, please go check Slop's post; I find it to say a lot of what I had in mind as I posted this! Thanks man.

On Going Local...

Whenever people talked to me about boycotting certain products because of their political or religious affiliations, I always rolled my eyes and said with my most defying tone “give me decent alternatives and I will boycott all the way”! No one could ever give me alternative brands for my list of products, and I think I can pretty much dare whoever feels like it.

My father and my baby sister boycotted for a couple of years (my dad still does to his best knowledge since he has no idea the kinds of products ma gets into the house). My sister ended up changing her mind because she thought it was futile since she was the only one in her big circle of family and friends who took the matter that seriously. My father still says that I have no principles “ma3andeesh mabda2”, truth is, I have my own set of principles, only they do not serve any of the well respected causes; they serve my own benefit.

Yes, I said it, I am selfish and I have every right to be.

So this post could either be a logical way of tackling the whole Going Local campaign*, or could simply be my own way of rationalizing not being able to completely support it. Either way, please take the time to read this through without prejudice.

First of all, I am not a 3o2det el khawaga kinda person; I am however a quality freak kinda person yet I don’t like overpaying for whatever I get. This could be very hard to prove (the not 3o2det khawaga part) since most of my stuff are not made in Egypt, but I think I will make my point clear as I go, or at least try.

Please take the time to observe the Egyptian market, and then take more time to observe the Egyptian brand names more closely. I know I have!

The Egyptian quality has no standards whatsoever. International franchises have issues with maintaining quality control over our Egyptian production. Compare any Egyptian made product of an international brand to that made in a Gulf country for example, you might feel the urge to cry! Moreover, go check all the "stock" stores, you'll find tags of international brands with the phrase "made in egypt"; in case you never wondered, those were attempts of those brands to produce in Egypt for cheap labor only the quality of the products were too bad to leave the Egyptian lands! That being said, you can imagine what it must be like with Egyptian brands that undergo less strict supervision!

In textiles, if the fabric has any sorts of stripes or patterns (God forbid), it’s almost impossible to follow that stripe or pattern from the front through the back with the side sewing (I am not sure of the technical name). Not to mention how recklessly buttons are "not" fixed, or how some sewing just un-sews for no reason whatsoever! And please, do not get me started on how un-standardized the sizes are; you can easily find a Medium item of clothing twice as big as the next Medium one, OR you can be a size 12 (US) and find your Egyptian brand pants to be size 48!!!!

As for shoes, although shoemakers all over the world (at least the hip and fashionable ones) hate feet, Egyptian shoemakers hate both feet and fashion! Poor leather, extremely poor “glue” or whatever it is they use to keep the shoe together! And the whole structure of the average pair of shoes looks just abusive, not to mention how shoemakers go to extremes to make a pair of shoes look tacky and cheap!

When it comes to food, we all go by buying Egyptian fruits and vegetables, and truth be told, they taste a lot better than those I’ve tasted elsewhere! But let’s talk about the manufactured foods, the whole biscuit and chocolate industry comes to mind, bringing along too much shame; yes yes, I know it’s good enough for its price, but can you see how Cadbury and Galaxy decreased their prices once they started producing locally, which of course will take us back to how different the products of both brands are when compared to their equals made in KSA for example!

I read on one of the comments on a blog that Salé Sucré has competitive chocolate delicacies, but it does not compete with the price of a locally made Galaxy Bar; I would go for Salé Sucré any time of the day, I would go for quality over price any time of the day, but that would not be competition; for me it would be a matter of preference, but it would be abuse for people who simply can’t afford decent quality and feel obliged deal with Corona’s sad and sorry excuse for chocolate just to support local brands!!

Now, that brings me to the other factor, price. I am not millionaire; in fact, I spend much more than I make and I maintain a certain living standard with my father’s help whom I know also maintains a higher living standard than his real income, like most of the upper middle class that seems to be diminishing. So I hate paying more, even though a lot of my friends say that I get ripped off on daily basis buying the things I buy.

The Egyptian products don’t give me any sort of satisfaction not just because of the quality issues discussed above, but also because the ones with quality that live up to my relatively high bar seem to overcharge for it! Yeah yeah, quality should cost more, I agree, but no one said a locally made brand should cost as much as an imported one. That would only tempt the average Egyptian consumer to buy an international brand, and then I wouldn’t blame them; if my country men are screwing my wallet for the quality they SHOULD provide, then screw them, I’m giving my money to the international brand.

I know it sounds selfish being said that way, but come on, any customer is entitled to serve their best interest, they taught us that in our first economics class! Which reminds me, competition is there for a reason; to best serve the consumer. International competition should teach local brand owners to live up to the same quality standards and yet offer their brands for a competitive price especially that they do not need to take into consideration factors like customs, shipping charges, currency value, that’s why international brands cost less than its price in Egypt when you buy them from their country even with the exchange rate and the ridiculous value of the Egyptian pound.

So if we decide to overlook all the above and go local, what would that do to our economy, aside from all the other political and religious reasons people keep throwing around? Would that mean that we endure the abuse done by owners of Egyptian brands who either overlook quality** or overcharge? Would that be our surrendering to the way things are? What would happen if everyone goes local and international competition diminishes to a minimum that would make Egyptian branding a scary monopoly? (speaking of monopolies, can't you see how monopolized brands terrorize a couple of sectors in our market?!!)

Before answering all those questions, please bear in mind that the distribution of wealth in Egypt is majorly screwed; successful business owners are not necessarily successful because they are the fittest or the best (with all due apology to the actual fit and good ones here). Moreover, keep into consideration that the Egyptian market is not as transparent as it should be and that some of the “Egyptian brands” are no longer owned by Egyptian owners (Chipsy comes to mind), which makes me think of how non-existing the consumers' rights are, but I can't get to that now!

I know the economies do not change between day and night, and I know that the core of the idea is really good, but I couldn’t help but wonder about all the other implications and all the potential consequences of such change taking place; is that the change we want?

So yes, the idea of going local is pretty, but only as pretty as utopia I’m afraid and let’s face it, the way things are run in Egypt is anything BUT utopia!

Finally, I realize I only ranted without giving any alternatives. I hate doing that, but I'm afraid there is nothing for me to do that would change the way most of things are; my little part is to go local when I all my terms are met and to demand the level of quality I think I deserve when I can. I wish there was more for me to do, who knows, perhaps this will be read by someone who can do more!

* The idea is originally Juka's whom I've been following for almost a year now but without any contribution!
** I first read Will's lines on Global Voices of Egypt (don't have the link for that article now) and it I was glad someone spoke of it; it's the same as my point of view but it's only fair to give Will as much credit for it since he said it somewhere before I got to write that post.

Disclaimer: My above post does not by any mean deny the existence of good Egyptian products for affordable price; there are of course some. I couldn't help but think of that when I took off my shoes to find my Egyptian-made socks. Point is, there must be other good products out there, God help us all find them and may He help their owners maintain the quality and price!

Ordering food, the Egyptian way and so much for going local!

Months ago, while heading to my office, the security man gave me food delivery flyers. Apparently someone in the building made a delivery and the delivery guy left more flyers for people, quite an efficient way to market for a place if you ask me.

So they were for two different subsidiaries owned by the same company. An Egyptian brand if you may; however, it sounded promising to try out!

I will refrain from using the names until I see how the story turns out, since I refuse to give my support to brands unless I am 100% sure of their quality.

So anyway, the two brands are as follows: X is for burgers, and Z is for soups, salads, and juices. I had already tried X more than once and their burger is just GOOD, and not for a too high a price especially that they didn’t start charging for delivery until recently.

Today, given my new diet plans, I decided to give the Z a try. I tried to tempt one of my coworkers to join me, but he said he felt like eating something “yeshaba3”; so I told him they were the same place from where we get our usual burgers, he said he was in for a mushroom burger.

I called them and here is how it went…

The guy (who was really friendly and polite): is it your first time to order?
Me: yes, I think I use another number, and I always called the X brand, so to save you time I can just give you all the info all over again and then you can merge them on your own…
*after giving him all the necessary information*
Me: so this is my order, cob salad, and I want to make a burger order, so how does it work, do u put me through to a colleague or I just tell you??
Him: no, you will need to hang up and call the X number
Me: oh! But it’s only one number different from yours, so I am assuming you’re in the same location, no???
Him: yes, but it’s a different concept, we offer healthy food while X offers burgers
Me: yeah I get that, but I want both orders to be delivered at the same time, since I don’t want to start eating and have my colleague watching me or the other way around!!
Him: yes, I understand, don’t worry; I will make sure they are delivered at the same time…
Me: no, I meant to say you should make sure they are delivered by the SAME person!!!!! It’s cost efficient for you, you know!!
Him: yeah of course, but… ok, I am so sorry, but the owner clearly stated that deliveries from either brands should be separate….
Me: ok, I understand it’s probably because you want to charge me for the delivery TWICE, no???
Him (really embarrassed about it): I am so sorry, owner’s order, it’s a branding thing!
Me: look, you don’t have to give me any invalid justifications, I really like your burgers and I have a good feeling about your salads, so I will assume you don’t have the authority to change the owner’s rules and let you charge me twice for the delivery, each order in a separate receipt, ok, but make sure they are delivered by the same person… and you can leave a remark in my name that this rule is rather silly, ok now??
Him (seemed to be relieved that I didn’t start a fight, and really appreciative of my calm tone of voice): ok ya fandem, ana asef geddan 3ala el ez3ag.
Me: wala yehemak!

I hung up and called the other number to order my friend’s burger….

The SAME guy: alloo
Me (pretending not to notice it was him): hi, I want to make an order please…
Him: is it Ms. MA?!
Me (pretending to be surprised): omG, it’s you again
Him (embarrassed): yes
Me (jokingly): you gotta be kidding me!! Tab khaly 7ad gheerak yerod 3ashan el manzar 7atta!!!
Him: I am so sorry, walahy owner’s orders…
Me: ok, I am even more serious now; please tell the owner that he really pissed off a customer that way…
Him: I am really really sorry!
Me: it’s ok, I am not upset with you, I just think this rule is LAME
Him: would you please log on our website and leave a comment in the customer feedback area, I know the owner checks it on daily basis but he wouldn’t listen to any of the staff unless a customer leaves a comment!
Me: ok, I guess I’ll leave a piece of mind there for him…
Him: thanks, and I am really really sorry again…
Me: it’s ok, you don’t have to keep apologizing to me!

So, I hung up, and I logged into the site. I left a brief comment to the “owner” stating that it’s more convenient to allow his agents to place orders from different subsidiaries on the same receipt since otherwise, the average customer might be more tempted to call another restaurant and make a salad order from a more familiar place since either way they will be charged for extra delivery charges!!

Now, I am really questioning the owner’s IQ! Well, not to offend, I am questioning his Business IQ! There are online stores who would not charge you for delivery if you buy from more than one subsidiary, even if the items you choose are not available in the closest store, they ship them from a different branch on their own expense for your own convenience!! And that guy is getting two orders from the same kitchen and charging you double the delivery!!! I will stop criticizing him for now; perhaps I would get a positive feedback on my note.

However, is it the kind of service Egyptians offer! I mean with the whole campaign of going local, is that the kind of treatment I should expect from local brands!! I was really thrilled that I have local alternatives for all the junk food on which I spend most of my money. Yes, the food is of good quality, but the service has its own set of flaws! And it worries me that one day; the quality will also decline just like it always declines as far as Egyptian brands are concerned.

It makes me question the whole concept of going local; most of the local brands in almost any product/service is of low quality, and those who provide half decent quality overcharge you because they are supposedly targeting the “elite”!! I always wanted to have a discussion with those brand owners and tell them something that perhaps they never considered; the “elite” do most of their shopping from Europe and North America, or at least from European and North American brands in Dubai or other Gulf countries, and if they travel regularly, it costs them a lot less than to buy half decent Egyptian brands for the same price!!

It could be the case for a lot of people who read this, or I could just be justifying my way into placing that online purchase that’s been saved on my mailbox for weeks now!

Oh, the salad was ok, but I can so make my own salad before I leave to work if I wake up half an hour earlier; so no, not so exquisite, at least not the way their burger compares to other burgers!!

That’s the way it is, and that’s how it shall stay…

I have a serious temper problem…

I lose my temper very often. Judging by how people perceive me at work as a mellow person, I think I have worked on it a bit. But my old colleagues from my previous job knew my temper; my best friends of them say I was intimidating and that they always feared the moment when they might unintentionally get on my bad side.

At home, I don’t hold my temper at all, perhaps except with my father; the man has character and presence that scares the crap out of my temper I must admit. I get angry at my sisters a lot, but they have no idea how much I hold back, as if they don’t remember the old me!

My sons are the only reason I am trying to learn to control my temper; because I hate myself when I lose it with them.


I am stubborn, very stubborn…

I think it’s ok when I actually have a valid point, but truth is even if I don’t, I can still be pretty stubborn about it. On rare occasions, I respond to logic and reason, but even then, it has to be done in certain ways that most people are incapable of. When I am wrong, I admit to myself that I am, and I do my best to admit it to others, which brings me to the next point…


I am too proud…

I must admit to a very ridiculous extent. I HATE it when I ask for favors. The closer the person of which I am asking the favor is, the worse I feel having to ask for it.

I would rarely ever tell someone they hurt me; I am too proud to admit I was hurt, let alone put it in words. I resort to humor and sometimes sarcasm to cover up for my red eyes or my bad mood; I think I can even be offensive that way!

If I sense someone dislikes me, I stay as far as possible and I go to extremes to avoid them. I wouldn’t be caught dead feeling like I am forcing anyone to be around me.

Even with those I know like me, I hate being a burden; last summer when my best friend was visiting from the states, I passed by her grandma’s the day she arrived to say hi, hug and kiss (I know sounds just wrong), and then left her for a week without even calling so that she can catch up with her family without being pressured to go out and have a snack and catch up.


I am crystal clear…

… to a transparent extent. Some would say it’s a good thing, but the ones I don't like beg to disagree because I tend to be obnoxious when provoked (refer to my temper). If you still insist, keep reading and you’ll know how bad it gets!


My biggest flaw: I love too much, I care too much and hell I expect too much… keyword: TOO MUCH

If I love someone (not necessarily in the romantic sense) to the extent that I manage my temper, become less stubborn, get over my pride, and allow my emotions to show in the tiniest of things I do for that person, I am most likely to lose that person because of my expectations of him/her.

I won’t say I lost my x that way; da kan ghalta asasan, I literally chose the wrong person based on all the wrong criteria. But my violent reaction and my extreme change must have count for something I must say!

Anyway, I managed to lose quite a few people that way; one single mistake that gets under my skin; before I know it, it goes deep enough to my bones and the relationship is scarred for life.

Soon enough my previously mentioned flaws catch up with me. So I become too angry to listen to any possible explanations, too stubborn to understand any, too freakin’ proud to show how I'm extremely hurt; and consequently, too obnoxious to be dealt with, which of course will lead to me being the bad guy by showing the other person my ugly side.


Conclusion…

That’s who I am. I have bad flaws, deadly ones if you may. But in my own twisted way, I manage to work around them and I would like to think that I make up for them. In my very own delusional way, I believe I am worth it (it could be my pride talking just as well).

So that’s it; I can’t change, and I won’t change because those flaws are only the bad side of a much better me who wouldn’t hold anything back when she cares.

If you can’t understand how I work and appreciate it, then go away, I most certainly don’t need your friendship; it means absolutely nothing to me.

If it’s any consolation, it hurts.

On guilt and forgiveness…

When I was little, I didn’t realize I had a good childhood because I had (and still have) so many issues with my parents. I still find it confusing whenever I think about it; no wonder I confuse myself all the time!

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My father was hard on me; he was always too strict because he thought it would make me a better person. He had ethics and principles that he practiced most of the time, except when anger got the best of him. The man who taught me that words once said, cannot be taken back, was the very same person who'd shoot words at me and make me spend so many sleepless nights crying before we'd start giving each other the silent treatment!

It could have been about feeling guilty, or simply because we were not ready to communicate, but we could go on not speaking to one another for as long as it took! One look at his face could tell how much more angry words he would be holding back and one look at mine could say how I thought I'd never forgive him. Truth is, I guess it mostly hurt because I knew I couldn't love him any less.

My father taught me a lot without knowing. He taught me to hold back my anger when I know I can't handle the consequences of letting it out. He taught me that we can get badly hurt by those we love, but it hurts even more when we know we can't do but forgive them because we can't imagine our lives without them. But most importantly, he taught me that forgiveness does not come with begging for it; I never begged for his, and he never begged for mine, but somehow we seem to be doing just great!

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My mother on the other hand never had my father's strong character or presence. She tried to use his authority for her benefit, but it never served her the way she hoped for; in fact, it made her look less powerful! My only way of getting over my mother's hurtful words is by talking back to her face and confronting her with whatever nonsense she spoke; my logic had always beaten hers. I have always tried to use silent treatment out of my guilt for talking back at her, but she just never let me; she always said I had a cruel heart because of that!

My mother taught me that sometimes fighting back, as frustrating as it can be, helps you get over such fights. Sometimes it just helps to know you gave as much as you took, or not; after all, my mom and I are never on good terms for a long time.

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My x was a lot like my mother; he’d shoot heartless words like there was no tomorrow, while I was more like my father, I’d keep piling up and strictly watch out for whatever words coming out of my mouth. Moreover, I barely ever snapped like my father; not just because I didn’t want to return the hurt, but also because I never wanted to beg for his forgiveness like he begged for mine.

He always said I was too proud and unforgiving. He just never got it; he was the one person with whom I was not that proud and he never had to beg for my forgiveness! Ironically, he always begged for it and it made him feel less proud, so he thought I was too proud to forgive him!

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I always thought I was unforgiving. It took me quite some time to realize that I actually have it in me to forgive. Sometimes all it took was knowing that no malice was intended, sometimes it was because I could return the harm and get even, and sometimes it just happened because I was given enough time and space.

-------

I’m sorry, I don’t have it in me yet. I am not angry like I once was, and neither am I hurt; I just remember too many things that I know you’re not sorry for, or at least not the way you should be, and that means you’re still the kind of person I can’t forgive.

I have moved on, and even evolved a bit... I don’t hate you, and I obviously can stand you, but I lost that magic that made you seem flawless to me and I honestly do not want it back.

Why can’t we just write “The End” here?

Why do you keep pushing? You’re confusing me, you’re trying to make me feel guilty, but what you do not get is that all your tactics will never make me want back; being away from you is the one certainty on which I am rebuilding my life, and it’s not about forgiveness, so please stop begging for it.

Salespeople… something that had to be said!

I hate being condescending; condescending people usually get on my nerves and give me strong urges to punch them in the face, but sometimes I am severely provoked and I find myself doing it.

SALESPEOPLE DRIVE ME INSANE!

Yes!!! I’ve said it. I don’t know if it’s this country and its collective culture or it's global, but for the love God, I need a break from all the sales phone calls, I don’t have it in me to be pleasant and appropriate both in my professional life and in my personal life all the time, I too need to practice my right of being obnoxious!!!

I do not mean to undermine salespeople or their profession or the science behind the whole theory of selling; hell, I’m a huge consumerist, I would normally be a salesperson's best friend in a perfect world!!

But let me just clarify a couple of things here…

Being a business grad, I kinda studied some of that; however, I am really not in the mood of saying big business jargon, partially because I’m a bit rusty here, but mostly because this post is not about showing off my rather limited knowledge.

I was taught a few sales principles that every salesperson, as well as his/her employers (most of which I’ve known of are idiots who know/practice nothing of those principles) should be aware of…

• 
  - Sales is NOT marketing… marketing is the backstage for sales; they complete one another, but they are definitely not the same… any half decent academic book can simply explain that!
• 
  - Salespeople MUST know their customer… before you call in a company offering your product/service, ask about the company you’re calling; it may sound like no big deal to you, but trust me, it will save you unnecessary embarrassment and heck, it might even make the conversation a bit more interesting or you might learn something new!!! And if you’re at the mall or whatever, and you notice a married couple (the rings theory), don’t approach them with a stupid greasy smile about timeshare or such crap while they're both wearing their angry faces or struggling to discipline their kid(s)! And FYI timeshare: BAAAAAA
• 
  - Salespeople MUST be honest… for the love of God, whoever said you should lie or hide facts to make your product/service look/sound flawless is a big fat jerk who could have been really successful, but it’s not guaranteed that you have the same kind of evil wits they had to pull it off yourself!! I –as well as the next potential customer/client- prefer to know the cons of whatever it is you’re offering before the pros; this way, I can never be really disappointed when I expect something to expire within a certain period of time! I appreciate honesty, and I doubt any other reasonable person wouldn’t!
• 
  - Salespeople MUST have wits… now, being honest does not mean you have to make the truth sound as dull as it might be; you can simply focus on little perks in your product/service that would appeal to your potential customer. Be smart and use decent humor, but don’t push it; no one likes a jerk who says lame jokes and laughs at them!
• 
  - Salespeople MUST know when to STOP… please, do know when to stop pushing, because once you lose the attention of your audience, there is no way you're getting it back, and then it gets really humiliating and annoying; so just know when to back off!
• 
  - Salespeople MUST be pleasant and polite… even when you’re turned down, maintain the smile WHILE backing off; be a graceful loser, no one likes a sore loser. And if you’re turned down rudely, trust me, it will embarrass the other person much more if you keep your cool and just walk away with your head held high; rude people are either angry people who are likely to feel horrible after such reaction, or crazy people who would take it against you and keep giving you more rude words until they cause trouble, you see, the customer is always right ;)

Now, I completely respect and communicate with any salesperson who contacts me –either at work or while I’m out on a personal errand- who knows and practices those rules; even when I don’t need the product/service, I politely say "thank you" and smile.

On the other hand, I have serious issues with those who don’t, and sometimes I turn into my angry b**** mode and make that salesperson feel like crap by stating in so many ways how unprofessional they are. I really hate doing that, and I feel horrible afterwards (unless the salesperson was a super jerk who pushed buttons other than my intolerance for unprofessionalism). I feel bad because I hate that some people might mistake my attitude for me being less appreciative of people working in that field, especially that it’s a common misconception that sales people are not as cool as marketing and advertising people!

I don’t hate you good salespeople out there; as a matter of fact, I love you, and I love buying things from you, sometimes I am even too impressed by your qualities that I spend money on things I may not really need and it still feels good, and I even spread the word!! See, I am your best friend for real, just do not take me for grated.

On half-asleep hallucinations coming true!

Last night I went to bed thinking about redecorating my room. I am already buying a placard and bunkers and I was considering changing my bed. Also, my mom said something about how stained my walls seem to be, which gave me courage to say that I HATE the yellow with passion and I would really like a new color; I really don’t know what I was thinking choosing that shade. In my defense, I was pregnant and depressed and someone said yellow was cheerful, it’s not, it actually makes me wanna poke my eyes when I am headachy and have to look at yellow walls!!

I ended up having a weird dream of my x. Actually, the dream was more of an extension to his occasional calling and my redecorating ideas. We were furniture shopping and he kept stopping at bedrooms and choosing stuff he’d buy for us!! It freaked me out and I asked him why he’d be buying me a new bedroom, and he said because he wanted me back. I swear, that had a nightmare effect on me that I woke up and rushed to bathroom and kept washing my face with ice-cold water telling myself over and over again I was not going back to him.

Then we had that phone call today. Apparently, I’m somewhat psychic, he was supposed to get the keys to the apartment we planned to move into when we first got married, and he called asking if I wanted to join him. After I gave him my it’s-non-of-my-business attitude, and after he kept saying that he was planning to furnish that place so that the boys and I would move there, I couldn’t help remembering my dream/nightmare of earlier. I’ve been noticing how he’d subtly hint to the old days when we were love birds and I have politely and also subtly pointed out that he shouldn’t. That was when this happened…

Me: ok, you call a lot, and I am too busy to meet and discuss our divorce settlement, so how about we do it over the phone?
Him: come on, such things cannot be discussed over the phone
Me: trust me, it should take less time than your daily calls, and I meant we should talk headlines and meet to discuss details later, at least so that both of us would be prepared…
Him: we’ll disagree, and it’s harder to convince you to stay on the phone than it is to make you stay when we’re sitting somewhere
Me: I wouldn’t count on that if I were you
Him: shayfa, adeena ekhtalafna
Me: ok then, until I figure out when we can meet stop calling
Him: (bla bla bla, I really don’t remember what he said)
Me: (bla bla bla, I was probably answering his bla bla)
Him: ok, law 3ayza nenfesel, yeb2a by February, I don’t have money to settle el mo2akhar before that
Me: but I told you so many times before, I do not want that money; you can put it in a fund for the boys, or use it to furnish that apartment if we should move there, but I am not taking money from you
Him: bas da law 3ayza nanfesel…
Me: ok, let me say that clearly enough, esmaha nettala2, nenfesel has a nos nos kinda meaning, like how we are now, we’re separated but we’re neither married nor divorced…
Him: (in a weird tone) ok, nettala2, ma3 enny shayef enaha fekra ghabeya…
Me: (thinking NOT AGAIN) we elly e7na feeh da mesh ghabawa!!! It’s not right by any means, so please don’t make me go over it again!!
Him: (in a cautious and hesitant tone) ana mesh asdy nefdal keda, ana asdi nerga3…
Me: (oh my God, NOOOOOO) no… no!
Him: but why, just talk it through without losing your temper…
Me: you’re asking me why? Ok, how many reasons do you want???
Him: khalas, no need to humiliate me
Me: (feeling bad for a split second that I squished his ego) ok… so what is your divorce settlement?
Him: ok then, I plan to pay for the boys’ education, medical care, clothes and such needs plus a monthly allowance, I just don’t know how much I can commit to yet…
Me: (really?!!!!!) in that case, I think it’s ok, thanks…
Him: right… so when do we meet?
Me: I’ll contact my lawyer and ask him to prepare the necessary documents, and will call you
Him: is that it?
Me: (I don’t want any mushy BS about the way we were) hey, I gotta go, my sis is calling, mocha needs a change, salam
Him: tesba7y 3ala kheir
Me: wenta men ahloh, bye

If he really meant it, and if he was as hurt as he sounded, then I am sorry. I just don’t think it’s ok to live with someone whom I no longer love, trust or respect. There is nothing he can do that can fix that, but there is a million other things he can do to fix whatever happened between us by being a good father to his boys. He’s still the immature man who tried and almost broke me, and I doubt he’s good father material, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t close my eyes real hard and hope for the best; after all, I can’t waste my kids’ chance of having a half decent father.

Something tells me he will end up being his same old self, and I will end up ranting about it here.

Egypt… bigotry hidden under thick layers of religious and liberal pretences

Coming from a religiously conservative family, I was brought up to take extra pride in my faith, even though I did not necessarily understand it enough to practice it properly. Almost everyone in my family (from both sides) has a meaningful name influenced by religion.

My dad gave my sisters and me very unique names that make people go “ohhhh” when they know our names; they are simple, short and have quite the religious significance.

Mine however is not exclusively Islamic, it goes back to Jewish origins; a fact which makes it easier to pronounce than my sisters’. My father’s name on the other hand is esm morrakab; meaning, he has two names to count as a first name, more like the western verion of middle names, only everyone I know acknowledges his second name since the first is Mohamed, which is pretty common in our culture.

Until college, I used to go by my first name and my father’s middle name. That combination made my name sound perfectly neutral; people couldn’t guess my religion and accordingly treated me cautiously in fear of offending me.

I won’t go through with the whole issue of whether religious tolerance exists in Egypt or not; it’s fair to say that some people (either Christians or Muslims) are tolerant of the other religion, while some others simply aren’t. As a child, it was confusing, and it led to a huge deal of misconceptions that took me quite some time to overcome (not in a traumatizing way though).

I resented by name, because it made people ask me too many questions. I really wanted a simpler name that did not raise so much questions and wonderings before people started getting comfortable.

Until I got veiled!

I was confronted by how cruel society can be, judging people by their looks. I realized that my neutral name and non-significant appearance shielded me from awkward moments. I realized it was a blessing having been treated with extra caution!

And no, it’s not the expected group of people who judged me, whatever that is. Against the general assumption, I travelled to the US the next summer, and I barely had any troubles because of my veil. Average Americans, aside from the “notorious” political agenda (which is not up to me to support or condemn), do not judge people based on their looks the way people do in Egypt (and perhaps the Middle East). We are such racists and bigots and the sad part is that we hide it under thick layers of fake religiousness and liberalism which we barely practice when unwatched.

Please meet those who judge me…

- Strictly religious Muslims who consider what I wear not hijab, and expect me to dress more modestly, and
- Pseudo-Liberals, either Christians or Muslims who seem to be very appalled by my veil!

Now I won’t go defending my choice or my religion because I don’t think those who judge me or my likes would either understand or appreciate what I have to say. All I can say is “SHAME ON YOU”, both parties.

“Religious Muslim Practicers”, you should know that “الأعمال بالنيات”, you should know that “الدين يسر، و ليس عسر”, you should “بشروا و لا تنفروا”, and if I am that offensive to look at, you can totally “غض البصر”!!

And “Liberals”, shame shame shame, the people who had passed the “liberal heritage” to you fought for big notions like “freedom of choice” that should be accepted without consequences, but what can I say, you were obviously never involved in such fights and simply cannot appreciate the trophy, freedom!!

I find both parties hypocrites, who miserably fail practicing what they preach and give their causes a horrible horrible names.

It used to hurt and offend me when I felt mistreated because of my veil, but then I realized something; it’s a unique way of blocking all the fakers and pretenders who can’t handle but judge me based on my appearance rather than my personality. To those people, I say it’s really your loss, touché!

Lady Justice is blind universally, but in Egypt, 3andaha takhallof!

After my last post, I had decided to stop ranting about my divorce that I actually told a friend of mine that next time I’d mention my x was going to be when I get a divorce.

I even planned on blogging about several things; like my Beem’s birthday party, which we had today… or the cute little developments I’ve been observing about my two pieces of cuteness (radya 3anhom awy el yoomein dool).

Sadly, I took back my word after being provoked by the Egyptian judicial system, which makes me feel like the law and its practice were made to ensure further oppression on the oppressed, Allah ye7ra2ek ya balad (which I don’t think is that farfetched given the rate of establishments catching fire lately!)

I found out that there was an appeal session for my divorce case. Apparently, my father stopped telling me because he sensed how irritated I get because of all the anticipation; therefore, he just told me the update after my lawyer informed him thereof. Of course none of my x’s representation showed, so it was postponed for further notification… until FEBRUARY!!! FEBRE-freakin’-UARY!!!

Ya walad el… 7aram 3aleiko ba2a… fe 7ad fel denya ye2ool keda!!! Four months ya kafara 3ashan e3adet e3lam!! I am left speechless… this is not justice, and if it is, then it’s very much retarded and stupid and… and… I can’t seem to find a decent word to describe it!!

Now it makes sense why he was calling to “reconcile”, and now it makes sense why he took it back! I am expecting his next phone call in February, at least the one to re-discuss the divorce and its terms since he might be demanding to see the kids some time soon.

Today was my son’s birthday parties; one at his nursery, and one at home with a very limited group of friends and family. Today was a good day and I won’t let a stupid court update ruin it, so here ends my rant.

Nonetheless, if anyone stumbles upon this and has an advice on a place I can petition against this stupidity and lack of common sense to a respective authority in hopes of actually acting positively upon something, I’m open to suggestions, even though I can clearly hear the cynic in me screaming so loudly “heya de masr ya 3abla”!

I will brag about my babies some other time I guess, so later!

On Fear…

Fear has always been viewed as a bad bad thing; I can understand why, I am not really arguing. Or am I?

People always go on and on about how destructive fear is, and how it keeps us from living experiences to the fullest or enjoying our lives and all that. People always criticize those who succumb to their fears and idealize those who overcome them. They have even come up with brilliant phrases praising those who rise above their fears, describing them as brave and courageous.

As much as everyone seems to have agreed on that, society seems to promote fear! How else would you explain why people refrain from saying or doing so many things!! Perhaps even more when it comes to women! Women are not encouraged to be bold, it is somehow claimed that it reduces their femininity or something; they always have to have some fears for their men to conquer!! But then again, is society manipulating fear to promote courage and bravery??! I’m babbling!

I think fear isn’t all that bad! As crippling as it is, fear keeps us from doing stupid stupid things, which we might view later as horrible mistakes. Fear forces us to consider consequences… in an awful awful way, I admit, but it gets the job done much better and more effectively than wisdom. Fear can be useful at times I suppose.

Look at children, they have no fear. Their cute little minds have not yet grasped the concept; it means absolutely nothing to them. Look at how many times they pull the funniest yet most stupid stunts that cause them to repeatedly fall and hurt themselves. They cry their hearts out, as well as they parents’, and they simply do them over and over again until they develop some certain understanding! Yeah yeah, learning and developing and all, but it’s too much pain as well, at least for someone who’s feeling as sore as I am right now, so spare me!

I have been a child for quite a long time that way; I still am in a sense. I face my fears and confront them by doing exactly what they would normally stop me from doing. If I had a nickel for every time I did something because I was too stubborn to succumb to my fears, I’d be a millionaire! I hate admitting that most of them were stupid things that I would regret had I believed in regret.

I would like to meet the wise man who said that the best way to conquer your fear is to face them and share my experience with him and tell him he should have added that sometimes your fears are there for a reason and that sometimes you need to spend more time finding out the reason instead of proving your fears wrong with utter ignorance motivated by stubbornness.

My dad used to push me to go ask for directions whenever we got lost in a foreign country to teach me that I should be daring enough, and well, to hide his own embarrassment for getting us lost in the first place. He always wanted me to be the brave boy he never had, but he realized when it was too late that he forgot to teach me how to listen to my fears. In his own way, he had shaped me into a girl admired for how different she was, problem is her uniqueness was not that easy to appreciate once one had to constantly deal with it.

All my life, people would admire/criticize me saying I am “garee2a awy” because I would bluntly speak my mind!! Well, they can rest assured now, I stopped; words seem to struggle to come out of my mouth thank you very much!

But I am still too stubborn to listen to my fears and reason with them!! I still dare them and do the opposite thing just to prove that I am better and higher; I am vain that way. And today after talking to my “khawafa” friend, I told her that the thing everyone criticizes her for is the exact thing I need to keep myself safe for a while.

So my dear friend, here is to fear, it’s not always that bad.

Undivorced!!*

*(Although Microsoft Word Processor objected to this word, apparently it exists as per the Egyptian way of applying religion and law)

Due to a bureaucratic stupidity, I had to wait an extra day to get the ruling on my divorce case since the verdict was sent to Zananeery Court instead of Abdeen Court along with other verdicts! *ahem*typical*ahem*

In short and simple words, away from the unnecessary legal jargon, his ta3a request was rejected and so was my divorce request.

I won’t talk about my anxiety over the anticipation and how it would have been much worse if it hadn’t been for yesterday’s outing (thanks girl ;)). I won’t whine about the verdict because I promised myself I wouldn’t; I know other people out there have it much worse and that I should be grateful, and I am, despite the disappointment and frustration for which I was prepared.

This is my general wondering though, even as I know that I am probably not the first or the only who had given that matter a thought!

What is the purpose of the verdict? I mean saying it out loud (or typing it for that matter) “el ta3a wel tala2, el etneen etrafado!” does not make any sense! If the honorable judge does not think I have legitimate grounds for requesting a divorce since to him no harm has been inflicted on me, then why did he refuse the ta3a my x requested???? And if he believed that the ta3a request could not be approved and that it was malicious because my x sated that beet el ta3a is in a rural area, which is not where we used to live, then why on earth did he not approve of the divorce?? What is the purpose of the verdict?

I find it hard to grasp for the judge basically rejected the continuity of the marriage even though he rejected its ending! I find that absurd because it leaves me (and any other woman in my shoes for that matter) in an unidentified status. It suspends the marriage, which is not approved or acknowledged by religion (not shar3y!)

I don’t get how the judge, the very same judge who ordered my x to pay alimony through court believes that this is a solid marriage that lacks reasons for termination! Who is he trying to fool?? And more importantly where does that lead??

I know khol3 is an option, and I am seriously weighing it despite how unfair it would be for me because I think my case qualifies for a divorce since harm has been inflicted on me, men el na7ya el adabeya like my dad refers to it. But what about before khol3? How do people in my place react and what was expected of them?

I know of marriages that took up to ten years to end just because the husband did not want to give his wife the freedom in fear she would remarry! Is that fair? Is that right? Is that 7alal? And that was a man whom I can fairly call a dedicated father who did not remarry either during his suspended marriage or after, not such an ignorant prick like my x who wouldn’t mind remarrying right now just to spite me!

I wish I could address the judge or whoever in charge of such ridiculous insensible laws that have no regard whatsoever for humanity! I wish I could talk to the judge and explain to him my point of view although I have serious doubts he would listen, let alone understand!

I think I should state out of fairness that I have no personal agenda against the judge, or his integrity for that matter. I don’t believe he had been bought, I do however belief that he had allowed his own prejudices to affect how he thinks in terms of my case as well as any other. I know he must have seen a million other cases that would make him cynical and bitter, cases that would make me sound like a spoilt brat who does not appreciate the bliss she has. I have seen and heard of some that made me feel the same way about myself. But he is a judge, he represents a lot more than his personal opinions, or at least he should, I think it’s his job requirement, and I think he had failed at that.

He comes from a rural masculine background himself that denies women the right of free will; moreover, pins it on religion! He thinks women have no rights further than having their basic needs fulfilled, and from a very limited perspective; not even like a pet, more like a domestic animal. He thinks one should keep a wife for physical purposes away from sin, reproducing, cooking and cleaning; the same way one would keep a cow for milk and meat, but before that for offsprings that would continue providing the same afterwards.

I am sorry if my analogy is rather cruel or inaccurate, but it’s how humiliated it felt after having to deal with him. I don’t mean to trash him or even imply that he’s a bad person; he’s simply a simple man who was raised with the conviction that the traditions he inherited are as holy as the religion he strongly believes in without true understanding. That doesn’t make him a bad person in my book, but it does make him an ignorant one. And for that, I blame the system that put such an ignorant person in this place just because he has integrity; for what good is integrity if the beliefs of its owner are that tainted!!

I wish I could speak my mind to someone in charge, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference because as frustrated as I am right now, I am aware that other people have to deal with what’s worse in more severe ways.

The thought of knowing that I ache -although I have a roof over my head and I can earn good living that fulfills most of my needs as well as my kids’- troubles me because it comes with the realization that there are other people out there who are going through the same, if not worse, yet do not have a home or even a half decent lifestyle. The word “lifestyle” itself may be something other people just can’t afford!

It makes me too embarrassed to wallow and whine; it makes me force myself to be ok because I know I would seem lucky and blessed compared to other people!

Therefore, instead of whining, I ask whoever stops by and reads this to advise if there is anything I could do or anyone I could approach; I want to channel my discontent through something proactive because I promised myself I won’t surrender to self pity.

So dear reader, your advice will be appreciated.

Dear Doctors, I am sorry!!

Obviously, everyone I know, including myself is infuriated about the new traffic laws that seem to be more about getting money out of people rather than organizing traffic. Yes, I said it! It’s not about traffic or about making life better for the people, who are we kidding?!

If it had been for the people, isn’t there enough tax money collected (from those who are employed and cannot really find ways to hide money from tax authorities) that’s enough to make better roads and build better bridges instead of having to wait ages on some bridge because they shut a lane for maintenance!! And don’t get me started on the scumbags of traffic officers who would halt The 6th of October Bridge on a rush-hour for a lagna setting, and not to mention permanent lagna settings at places like Mounib Bridge right before Maadi exit!!

What I do not get however is why the government, the system or whoever it is in charge is so focused on getting that money out of the people that way!! I mean don’t you think traffic control authorities collect enough money through license registrations and the amount of money you throw here and there for a new car, not to mention the trouble you would go through if you have an older car, or God forbid a really older car!! And at the end of the day, we all know that once you know the right number to call, you’ll get all your tickets and violations waived!! So is it just to harass people who are wasta-less? As if raising the prices of gas was not enough!!

So to all the decision makers out there, let me point out a new source of money that I simply can’t believe you overlooked!! DOCTORS!!

It has been brought to my attention, through medical insurance proceedings that doctors, surgeons that is, do not pay taxes in any way remotely appropriate to how much they earn (sorry guys)!! It made me remember that all through my medical history (two c-sections, one ERCP, one cholecystectomy) I did not attain one single receipt from either the surgeons or the anesthesiologists! The hospital fees were paid with a receipt in return (including an additional tax other than the service and sales taxes, I guess there is a getting-sick tax); nonetheless, none of the four times had any of the doctors who took the money by hand gave in a receipt.

Back then it didn’t even come to mind since I did not have any medical insurance; however, today as I was working on my boss’s hospital receipts to be sent and redeemed from the medical insurance company he told me that he did not have a receipt from the surgeon, who by the way took 12 K! I was startled because my boss did not even have to pay the hospital; he’s a BUPA client, and the hospital his wife had the surgery in is a network member; hence, all his bills should be automatically taken care of the moment he had shown her membership ID!! Talk about Egyptian incompetence and lack of professionalism when handling international clients (by client I mean the company, not my boss and his spouse). It only took me one short phone call to London on the day of the surgery to know all the proper procedures in which the hospital refused to abide by out of being… umm, no proper word now!

So dear stupid incompetent decision makers of this country, I found a goldmine for you to ekhrebooha we to3odo 3ala tallaha!! Of course, there is always the option of using the money to make a better medical system, but who am I kidding!

And dear Mr. Tarek Nour, I found a new segment for your tax payment advertising campaign this Ramadan; you could even use the whole “afawtarak walla azzabatak” slogan plus the 3emma theme with some not so creative amendments, heck, you can even use the same dude!

Damn, I should give up on my career in administration and do some marketing/advertising; I’m good!!

P.S. Normally, I would claim all relevant copy rights to the whole idea of going after doctors, but I’m afraid I won’t find proper treatment when I get sick if I do!! However, I do not recommend that anyone would take false credit for this idea, no benefit, trust me!!

Men, Women, and the Right to Evolve!

Weeks ago, I met with an old professor of mine and had some seriously good time. During which, we talked about everything that crossed our minds, which included the heated post I wrote about my colleague considering second marriage.

Such topics usually interest M because of his field of studies and profession; he taught me Negotiation & Dispute Resolution, Homogenous Interaction in the Workplace, and Motivation, in theory & practice, all from a business perspective. He currently teaches Inter-social/cultural Behavior or something close enough.

We talked a lot further about the matter and expanded it to other topics and I was amazed to find someone from a different culture and completely different ethnic backgrounds sharing my opinions. I contributed it to the fact that he taught me some courses of sociological genre that I definitely enjoyed, but he commented saying that not all my colleagues would have shared those opinions!

Of the things he said that I agreed with, was his opinion on genders. He said that men and women are equal as humans; that although their different sexual nature affects their gender roles, it should not make a difference on their rights as humans. Nonetheless, their gender roles are different and that each has their own package of privileges and drawbacks, all the reasons why gender roles change with time as the social perceptions of each change and evolve.

When I mentioned that somewhere in the comments, it was stated that men have more sexual desires than women and that it justified polygamy, and that men and women are somehow structured differently with regard to their emotional/physical needs, he frowned and said:

“with all respect, these may sound like excuses for men to behave in a certain way, when societies explicitly state such facts; truth is, it’s not just an extra burden for women to carry, it’s also a reason for men to slack around and not learn to control whatever desires they might have, which will hinder their evolution, which I think is a bad thing, because men, just like women are capable of evolving and I think it’s great injustice for both genders to be denied such a right by claiming they have such privileges!”*

So, would do you have to say about that people!!

* that quote is not 100% accurate; I might have dropped or added a few words due to some memory impairment from my end; however, I would like to think that I did convey the meaning intended by good ol’M