Let this find you wherever you go…

I wish you’d cry in blood all the rivers that gushed from my eyes…

I wish you’d taste manure in your throat for every time I tasted blood in mine after every nosebleed you caused…

I wish your guts would be filled with puss just like you filled mine with fear,anxiety, and desperation…

I wish you’d feel that painful rage stiffening your neck and wrecking your nerves for every time I couldn’t breathe because I was too angry…

I wish nightmares would haunt all your sleeping hours depriving you from any peace and quiet, just like you keep taking mine away…

I wish looks would kill, and that would have you taken care of…

But most of all, I wish you’d disappear, like you never even existed, and that my kids would do well without you…

This is not hate, this is anger, and I hope it burns no one else but you, for it has already gotten to me! I just hope it would be inflicted on you multiplied by millions…

Oh, and in case none of that ever happens, I wish I could find the ability to use all my curse words in one long abusive sentence that would insult you like you’ve never been insulted, badal ma batahteh zay el habla every time you get on my poor nerves…

*teeet*

My phone rings, an unfamiliar number…

Me: Allo
Female Voice: Alo, salamo alaykom, telephone Madam (ana)
Me: Aywa, ana (me), meen ma3aya…
Her: ana (can’t remember her name aslan) men maktab bostet el zamalek…
Me: ahlan wasahlan… *waiting for her to say what she wants of me, I had no clue what a post office employee would want of me!!!*
Her: howa geh le7adretek 7ewala bareedeya be nafaqa mosta7aqa men abu el welad
Me: *rather alarmed at the mention of the x*, ah, azon keda, khelal el esboo3 elly fat…
Her: we mageteesh estalamteeha leh??
Me: *huh, since when do they check if post payments are cashed by phone* umm, asl… mama estalametha we heya ma3aha tawkeel, fa momken 3ala yoom el sabt *surprisingly, I was being as honest as can be, I knew mama received the notification but I didn’t know how the procedure went and I never asked mama for the money, they go to the boys account*
Her: la mesh moshkela ana aslant agaza ennaharda, ana kont 3ayza bas akallemek 3ashan ashoofek yoom ma testelmeeha
Me: *sort of alarmed!* na3am!
Her: asl ana 3ayza atkallem ma3aki washoof eza kan momken nessala7 el denya… *then she paused waiting for a reaction from me*
Me: *both startled and offended* AFANDEM!!!
Her: na3am? *she obviously didn’t get that I was objecting*
Me: afandem!!! *I obviously couldn’t find any other polite word to express my dismay without subjecting her to my ultimate rudeness*
Her: esma7eely, ana set kebeer, 3andy 7aga w 50, ya3ne fe ma2am mamtek (did she just lose even more points??) we 3arfa ad eh el denya sa3ba, ana 3andy 5 welad… we lama shoft el ostaz (the x), we 3ereft eno mettala2 fel senn da (he looks younger than his age according to some, and so do I!) sa2alto 3ando welad walla la2, we 3eeno damma3et we howa bey2ool asameehom… fa oltelo yedeeny nemretek 3ashan akallemek we neshoof ezay momken nerraga3 el osra…
Me: (TEEET) ma3lesh 7adretek, 7adretek abelty wa7ed mate3rafehoosh, wetkalemty ma3ah 3ala wa7da mate3rafehash; 7adretik shofty ganeb wa7ed we seme3ty na7ya wa7da, wana ma3andeesh este3dad a7ky mawdoo3 et2afal le7ad ghareeb lemogarrad eno 3eenoh damma3et!
Her: *baffled* ya habibty ana batkallem le masla7tek, enty akeed soghayara we weladek me7tageenek enty we babahom ma3ahom…
Me: *getting really agitated we eh "habibty" de!!* ma3lesh, ana me2adara sho3oor 7adretik, bas ana asfa geddan, el kalam fel mawdoo3 da entaha we ostaz (the x) 3aref entaha ezzay w leeh, we mayenfa3sh yet7al be mokalmet telephone… ana beggad asfa le ta3ab 7adretik (bent nas ana awy)
Her: *really embarrassed* la ya habibty wala yehemmek, salamo 3aleiko
Me: 3aleikom al salam *and I hung up*

Ok, again *teet*!!!!

I mean is he dense?? We’re divorced; he is still in the place where he thinks we can reconcile and “nerga3 le ba3d”!!!! Moreover, he was not the one who had granted me the divorce, I had it through court, and appeal; I whined and cried on this blog for two years before I got my freedom!!!! And all he can do is make a stranger call me!!!

Not that it matters, but it’s so freakin’ demeaning!!!!

We kaman, el "osool" bet2ool en the right thing to do is for him to come in person, talk to my dad, show all signs of remorse and willingness to fix all things granting all the crazy requests which he should acknowledge our rights to!! I mean that’s what I hear is manly according to this sick twisted society, mesh wa7da ma3rafhash tekalemny tebaketny 3ala welady… eh el *teet* da!!

I am sort of glad though he’s not that kind of “reformed” to behave that way because I still don’t want to have anything to do with him aside from the boys. I just don’t get it!! What kind of a person thinks that’s a way to fix a marriage, la2, to remake a marriage; there is nothing to fix!!

And what kind of woman would think that another woman would want any man back after she got her divorce through court!! I hate those women who think women can’t do without their ex-husbands just because they have kids; they weaken our perceptions and self worth and make shitless assholes think they can dominate us – and no, this is not the feminist in me talking, I am just angry a person thinks all my pain and humiliation are worth no more than a silly phone call! I hate how my strong opinion will be taken as “batar” according to Egyptian society terms… 7aga tesed el nefs 3al sob7!!

It’s just… pathetic!

Back in my school days, whenever I traveled abroad with my family, I used to buy those little pins with flags on them (I wonder where those are!!). They looked cute and I must say, something about a flag is just… captivating, like it holds the entire culture of a country in it!

A few years later, when I joined a Canadian college, I used to have the Canadian flag on my backpack, until my dad saw it and gave me a long lecture about belonging to no country other than mine. He went on and on about how people in the states put their country’s flag right outside their doors and that I do not have to do the same, but neither should I ever bear a different country’s flag.

Back then, he made sense even though I did not pin the Canadian flag to my backpack to represent anything more than just my admiration to the country I’ve visited. To avoid any futile arguments about my patriotic opinions, I just replaced that pin with another of my college’s badge, after all, that was the college I belonged to whether he liked it or not.

Oh, and I tried to find a cute little pin with Egypt’s flag, but I found none!

***
Around a year ago, one of the managers in the Kuwaiti company where I work decided he wanted a small sized Egyptian flag to put it on his desk back in Kuwait along with the rest of the flags of countries where the company has business. He sent me an email asking me if we had any at our Egypt branch, I said we didn’t, so he asked me to send for around ten small flags, for our office as well as the head office. Moreover, he also asked me to get a bigger flag similar to the size of the Kuwaiti flag he’d send, so that both would be hung in our company here in Egypt.

I did not find any of good enough quality to be measured against the other flags I’ve seen. I’ve been told I could go to Faggala and check a bigger variety or have one custom made, but I was too busy to do it then! I asked friends who work in governmental authorities about the ones they put on ministers’ desks or at the doors of ministry buildings, but no one gave me any useful information. Eventually, I gave up and lost interest and so have my boss.

***
I see Egyptian flags everywhere! With all sizes and all qualities, simply every freakin' where!!!

Seriously!!

The match, screw it, I mean, what is the point of winning a silly match? What kind of advancement are we as a country and its people achieving here? Will our educational systems be any better? Will we be doing a better job on containing the epidemic flu that is closing all our schools? Oh and about H1N1 flu, how come the Minister of Health (beroo7 Ommoh) did not have any useful announcements about crowd management!! Wala el gomhoor el reyady 3ando wa3y se7y kafy, ya sheikh bala waksa!!

***

I will say it and I will not care about how many people will resent me for it… I wish Egypt loses this match. I think we Egyptians need to realize that there are more important things we need to win other than a meaningless match. We need to develop better behaviors and attitudes in order to lead better lives, and honestly, I think winning this match will close our eyes even further to the fact that WE NEED TO BE BETTER IN OTHER THINGS!! Not to mention the traffic madness and the accidents that WILL happen like the last time Egypt won the stupid African cup!

Wel ahbal elly ba3et email saying that he’s happy we’re all uniting for this, yala roo7 egry el3ab be3eed!! Maho men khebetna!! We kaman we are emotional people, benetlam we ne unite fel kheiba, 3ady, heya awel marra ya3ne, bas sa3et el gadd, when our union is needed for something useful, we only throw charity parties for the cause but do nothing useful, so etwekes!! (he’s the same guy who urged his fellow Egyptians to show their compassion to the President for the loss of his grandchild, Alllah yer7amoh… 3ayel 7o2na, we monafeq keda we te7esso maloosh substance!!)

I am sorry fellow Egyptians and soccer fans, we do not deserve that kind of victory when we’re so oblivious of our failures in every other aspect of our social and cultural life, hell, in how we deal with one another!

***

I want to go to my dad and explain to him that I’d rather carry the Canadian flag than the Egyptian flag because I learned my most useful lessons during college from Canadian professors, not Egyptian ones. I want to sadly admit to him that the only reason I belong to this country is because he does. He’s the one who paid for my education, my health care, and every privilege and luxury I enjoyed, so I belong to him, and if it means I belong to this country for his sake, then I do.

I don’t hate Egypt; I love it… ok, it’s a classic love/hate relationship like Will calls it. Egypt is like the mother who constantly abuses and insults me and expects me to forever love her because it’s my duty. Egypt is like the mother who never showed sincere care or did anything of value contributing to my wellbeing and development, yet expects me to acknowledge her non-existing role in making me who I am!

Egypt is the mother I could never bring myself to love or honor simply because I refuse to be an abuse victim, yet my good upbringing prevents me from showing my dislike and discontentment to others. It’s because of my upbringing that I find myself speaking with pride whenever I am asked where I am from, although it was never Egypt who gave me reasons to be proud, it was always my father.

***

So tomorrow, I might go and buy that flag after all, regardless of the score of the match because to me, it was never about a silly match, it is about something more profound than that, something I still hope I could find and feel for this country because I can’t feel it for any other.

Angry Mode Alert… and time to kick some a**

I am so pissed off on so many levels to the extent that I am screaming in my head with obscene words I am not even sure I understand!!

I could write about five posts at least discussing each –different- reason behind that anger and ranting nonstop about how things are just not freakin’ right! But I am too angry to be coherent…

Now dear blog readers, I need more than your moral support (which I always ALWAYS appreciate) on this one… if anyone who reads this happens to work in the AUC, or knows someone who works there and has the right contacts to make sure I’m heard , please contact me on my email; in case my email is not clear on my blogger ID page, it is myoblivia@gmail.com.

Thanks.