November 11, 2009

Fallen


I admit, I was righteous, a tight ass according to many, but in my righteousness I found my comfort. Even in my constant struggle to live up to my own high standards, I enjoyed my pride enjoyed winning every ethical challenge.

In my own utopia oblivion, I always believed that the one thing I should always do is what I think is right; I believed in the notion of “wrong is wrong, right is right” religiously; I never accepted any justification for wrong and I never thought people would disagree on what’s right. After being slapped around, I learned to tolerate wrong from people and have it in me to see their “false” justifications, but never from myself... condescending perhaps, but in the most tolerant way I knew!

This was how I nourished my pride; this was also how I kept my faith. I always believed that if I could live up to those standards with every challenge, I would definitely have it in me to accept all my misfortunes and I would be able to pray for God’s mercy in times of crisis. This was how I managed to be patient, strong, and confident; I used my pride and my stubbornness to hold on to who I thought I was, and when everything fell from around me, I held on even more tightly and stubbornly.

Until today.

All my righteous notions and phrases haunted me so mercilessly. Today, I learned the hard way that sometimes what I should do, is not what I think is right. I saw first hand how what I should do, as not-right/wrong as it is, is still justified and somehow right! I was shocked and hurt and confused and… hurt, majorly hurt.

Today, stretching the truth to its maximum was not a lie. Today, the thing I took pride in the most, my truthfulness, was compromised because that was what I honestly believed I should do. I stretched the truth because that was what I should do for the one I love the most. I could not look him in the eye and beg him to spare me because it would have been selfish of me to serve my pride over him… meh, I guess I am too proud to feel selfish anyway.

I shivered inside out… and I felt cold inside out… and I could see my surrounding blurry doing as I was told. I tried to block the feeling and its humiliation by remembering all the reasons and all the justifications; I held on -as tight as I know how- to the context that brought me there as the words rigidly got out of my mouth. I did it when in my heart I knew I will never look at myself in the mirror and feel as proud... and it still hurts too much that I will be too ashamed to ask my God to bless and protect me and those I love, because today I took it on my own to do so, and I know I am not half as strong as I ask my God to be for me.

some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall

I just wish I fell… I would like to believe that if it were really my choice and if it were only me who’d deal with consequences, I would have chosen to fall.

Today was a bad day for me, for my stupid notions and my foolish foolish pride. Today, I only felt fear and shame, and that was a worse fall.

3 comments:

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Abdelsalam Rashad nominated http://obliviology.blogspot.com/ for Best Blogger to Follow

Rasha* said...

You answered a question that bothered me for a long time.
Which is a more true virtue, being right or being honest?!
Well, I am proud of you because the answer you gave me is the most true answer...No human can maintain being right...that would only mean that he/ she never lived!
But real purity lies in honesty and you...writing this post...the way you did...is the most honest i've ever read and to say the least...i am SO proud of you.
(the hugs that i'm sad and sorry they never reached you yesterday*)

insomniac said...

shokran ya Abdelsalam :)))


Roosh!

kasafteeny be zoo2ek!!!

i won't discuss the post, but i will say that i feel blessed having you as my friend who sees through all my conflicts and confusions... i tell myself i must be a better person than i think of myself because i have you to appreciate me the way you do!!

i got what was better than a hug yesterday; i got a friend whom i called before i made the choice, a friend who helped me find the strength i needed to make a hard choice, and that is just... priceless

i am blessed... alhamdulilah!