Undivorced!!*

*(Although Microsoft Word Processor objected to this word, apparently it exists as per the Egyptian way of applying religion and law)

Due to a bureaucratic stupidity, I had to wait an extra day to get the ruling on my divorce case since the verdict was sent to Zananeery Court instead of Abdeen Court along with other verdicts! *ahem*typical*ahem*

In short and simple words, away from the unnecessary legal jargon, his ta3a request was rejected and so was my divorce request.

I won’t talk about my anxiety over the anticipation and how it would have been much worse if it hadn’t been for yesterday’s outing (thanks girl ;)). I won’t whine about the verdict because I promised myself I wouldn’t; I know other people out there have it much worse and that I should be grateful, and I am, despite the disappointment and frustration for which I was prepared.

This is my general wondering though, even as I know that I am probably not the first or the only who had given that matter a thought!

What is the purpose of the verdict? I mean saying it out loud (or typing it for that matter) “el ta3a wel tala2, el etneen etrafado!” does not make any sense! If the honorable judge does not think I have legitimate grounds for requesting a divorce since to him no harm has been inflicted on me, then why did he refuse the ta3a my x requested???? And if he believed that the ta3a request could not be approved and that it was malicious because my x sated that beet el ta3a is in a rural area, which is not where we used to live, then why on earth did he not approve of the divorce?? What is the purpose of the verdict?

I find it hard to grasp for the judge basically rejected the continuity of the marriage even though he rejected its ending! I find that absurd because it leaves me (and any other woman in my shoes for that matter) in an unidentified status. It suspends the marriage, which is not approved or acknowledged by religion (not shar3y!)

I don’t get how the judge, the very same judge who ordered my x to pay alimony through court believes that this is a solid marriage that lacks reasons for termination! Who is he trying to fool?? And more importantly where does that lead??

I know khol3 is an option, and I am seriously weighing it despite how unfair it would be for me because I think my case qualifies for a divorce since harm has been inflicted on me, men el na7ya el adabeya like my dad refers to it. But what about before khol3? How do people in my place react and what was expected of them?

I know of marriages that took up to ten years to end just because the husband did not want to give his wife the freedom in fear she would remarry! Is that fair? Is that right? Is that 7alal? And that was a man whom I can fairly call a dedicated father who did not remarry either during his suspended marriage or after, not such an ignorant prick like my x who wouldn’t mind remarrying right now just to spite me!

I wish I could address the judge or whoever in charge of such ridiculous insensible laws that have no regard whatsoever for humanity! I wish I could talk to the judge and explain to him my point of view although I have serious doubts he would listen, let alone understand!

I think I should state out of fairness that I have no personal agenda against the judge, or his integrity for that matter. I don’t believe he had been bought, I do however belief that he had allowed his own prejudices to affect how he thinks in terms of my case as well as any other. I know he must have seen a million other cases that would make him cynical and bitter, cases that would make me sound like a spoilt brat who does not appreciate the bliss she has. I have seen and heard of some that made me feel the same way about myself. But he is a judge, he represents a lot more than his personal opinions, or at least he should, I think it’s his job requirement, and I think he had failed at that.

He comes from a rural masculine background himself that denies women the right of free will; moreover, pins it on religion! He thinks women have no rights further than having their basic needs fulfilled, and from a very limited perspective; not even like a pet, more like a domestic animal. He thinks one should keep a wife for physical purposes away from sin, reproducing, cooking and cleaning; the same way one would keep a cow for milk and meat, but before that for offsprings that would continue providing the same afterwards.

I am sorry if my analogy is rather cruel or inaccurate, but it’s how humiliated it felt after having to deal with him. I don’t mean to trash him or even imply that he’s a bad person; he’s simply a simple man who was raised with the conviction that the traditions he inherited are as holy as the religion he strongly believes in without true understanding. That doesn’t make him a bad person in my book, but it does make him an ignorant one. And for that, I blame the system that put such an ignorant person in this place just because he has integrity; for what good is integrity if the beliefs of its owner are that tainted!!

I wish I could speak my mind to someone in charge, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference because as frustrated as I am right now, I am aware that other people have to deal with what’s worse in more severe ways.

The thought of knowing that I ache -although I have a roof over my head and I can earn good living that fulfills most of my needs as well as my kids’- troubles me because it comes with the realization that there are other people out there who are going through the same, if not worse, yet do not have a home or even a half decent lifestyle. The word “lifestyle” itself may be something other people just can’t afford!

It makes me too embarrassed to wallow and whine; it makes me force myself to be ok because I know I would seem lucky and blessed compared to other people!

Therefore, instead of whining, I ask whoever stops by and reads this to advise if there is anything I could do or anyone I could approach; I want to channel my discontent through something proactive because I promised myself I won’t surrender to self pity.

So dear reader, your advice will be appreciated.

Risalatoho Al Akheera

A friend of mine sent me this amazing song by Amal Murkus.

This is the only way I could describe its effect on me: ka2en 7ad beyakhdo roo7y menny; not in a bad way although I am not sure there is a good that could happen!! I just couldn’t find a better expression… I just need to remind myself to breathe when I am listening to it!!

If this is not material to share, what would be?!

Enjoy!

Change!

I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

Dear Doctors, I am sorry!!

Obviously, everyone I know, including myself is infuriated about the new traffic laws that seem to be more about getting money out of people rather than organizing traffic. Yes, I said it! It’s not about traffic or about making life better for the people, who are we kidding?!

If it had been for the people, isn’t there enough tax money collected (from those who are employed and cannot really find ways to hide money from tax authorities) that’s enough to make better roads and build better bridges instead of having to wait ages on some bridge because they shut a lane for maintenance!! And don’t get me started on the scumbags of traffic officers who would halt The 6th of October Bridge on a rush-hour for a lagna setting, and not to mention permanent lagna settings at places like Mounib Bridge right before Maadi exit!!

What I do not get however is why the government, the system or whoever it is in charge is so focused on getting that money out of the people that way!! I mean don’t you think traffic control authorities collect enough money through license registrations and the amount of money you throw here and there for a new car, not to mention the trouble you would go through if you have an older car, or God forbid a really older car!! And at the end of the day, we all know that once you know the right number to call, you’ll get all your tickets and violations waived!! So is it just to harass people who are wasta-less? As if raising the prices of gas was not enough!!

So to all the decision makers out there, let me point out a new source of money that I simply can’t believe you overlooked!! DOCTORS!!

It has been brought to my attention, through medical insurance proceedings that doctors, surgeons that is, do not pay taxes in any way remotely appropriate to how much they earn (sorry guys)!! It made me remember that all through my medical history (two c-sections, one ERCP, one cholecystectomy) I did not attain one single receipt from either the surgeons or the anesthesiologists! The hospital fees were paid with a receipt in return (including an additional tax other than the service and sales taxes, I guess there is a getting-sick tax); nonetheless, none of the four times had any of the doctors who took the money by hand gave in a receipt.

Back then it didn’t even come to mind since I did not have any medical insurance; however, today as I was working on my boss’s hospital receipts to be sent and redeemed from the medical insurance company he told me that he did not have a receipt from the surgeon, who by the way took 12 K! I was startled because my boss did not even have to pay the hospital; he’s a BUPA client, and the hospital his wife had the surgery in is a network member; hence, all his bills should be automatically taken care of the moment he had shown her membership ID!! Talk about Egyptian incompetence and lack of professionalism when handling international clients (by client I mean the company, not my boss and his spouse). It only took me one short phone call to London on the day of the surgery to know all the proper procedures in which the hospital refused to abide by out of being… umm, no proper word now!

So dear stupid incompetent decision makers of this country, I found a goldmine for you to ekhrebooha we to3odo 3ala tallaha!! Of course, there is always the option of using the money to make a better medical system, but who am I kidding!

And dear Mr. Tarek Nour, I found a new segment for your tax payment advertising campaign this Ramadan; you could even use the whole “afawtarak walla azzabatak” slogan plus the 3emma theme with some not so creative amendments, heck, you can even use the same dude!

Damn, I should give up on my career in administration and do some marketing/advertising; I’m good!!

P.S. Normally, I would claim all relevant copy rights to the whole idea of going after doctors, but I’m afraid I won’t find proper treatment when I get sick if I do!! However, I do not recommend that anyone would take false credit for this idea, no benefit, trust me!!

I’ll call it “Death of a Relationship”

Today, as I was getting in touch with my artistic self, browsing random websites for poems, I stumbled upon the poem below.

The structure is rather challenging to read as a poem, especially for those who prefer rhyming ones. However, if you start reading it like a story, and sense the way emotions are built up, perhaps you’d like it the way I did!

I know there are considerable chances I liked it because I could relate, and for that very reason, and for records keeping sake, it did speak for me in more than one part. As a matter of fact, I could fairly say I would have written it myself had I possessed the ability to write poems!

Sorry for the babble! There, enjoy!!

Death of a Friendship
By Harry Guest

I mourn, now that your house contains
such fractured shadows.
This wine you’ve handed me
tastes sour. I joke and you do not laugh.
When you speak, assuming my approval,
I stare into discoloured
depths of my glass, longing
to get away.

Rain drives against your walls. The few
shrubs you have planted shrink in the cold.
Where there was amity, questions
echo between us. Tufts of dark
lilac branching from tall vases shed
minute dry flowers like grief
for a lost fragrance, leave
on the smooth piano scattered omens
neither of us can read.

The past is empty of romance,
its summers flecked with heartbreak
and its negatives destroyed-.But weren’t there moments when
the blue sea glittered, when the lithe
curve of a diver forged another
link between wave and cloud?
I wonder, though, in fear
were those young grinning faces always
plague-marred, was the fun a lie,
were dreams we’ve jettisoned
mere husks about this dirt,
dislike? One fiction may
have replaced another for
wherever I look with you I find,
instead of light, a slyness.

We could not name the truth. What used to brag
lies in your cupboard under lock and key.
You care no more
for angels or the underdog,
translating all the terms we used
into intolerance. Your world
now clusters round
the emulation of the rich.

I can’t feel glad about old times
because I am afraid
that what I see here I suspected then
but shunned the knowing.
The tarnish of this has rubbed off on me.
The years we shared look counterfeit. If so,
more than affection died today.
What hurts perhaps the most
is that in you as in a mirror shows
not only what I could have been
but what I was or am.

Men, Women, and the Right to Evolve!

Weeks ago, I met with an old professor of mine and had some seriously good time. During which, we talked about everything that crossed our minds, which included the heated post I wrote about my colleague considering second marriage.

Such topics usually interest M because of his field of studies and profession; he taught me Negotiation & Dispute Resolution, Homogenous Interaction in the Workplace, and Motivation, in theory & practice, all from a business perspective. He currently teaches Inter-social/cultural Behavior or something close enough.

We talked a lot further about the matter and expanded it to other topics and I was amazed to find someone from a different culture and completely different ethnic backgrounds sharing my opinions. I contributed it to the fact that he taught me some courses of sociological genre that I definitely enjoyed, but he commented saying that not all my colleagues would have shared those opinions!

Of the things he said that I agreed with, was his opinion on genders. He said that men and women are equal as humans; that although their different sexual nature affects their gender roles, it should not make a difference on their rights as humans. Nonetheless, their gender roles are different and that each has their own package of privileges and drawbacks, all the reasons why gender roles change with time as the social perceptions of each change and evolve.

When I mentioned that somewhere in the comments, it was stated that men have more sexual desires than women and that it justified polygamy, and that men and women are somehow structured differently with regard to their emotional/physical needs, he frowned and said:

“with all respect, these may sound like excuses for men to behave in a certain way, when societies explicitly state such facts; truth is, it’s not just an extra burden for women to carry, it’s also a reason for men to slack around and not learn to control whatever desires they might have, which will hinder their evolution, which I think is a bad thing, because men, just like women are capable of evolving and I think it’s great injustice for both genders to be denied such a right by claiming they have such privileges!”*

So, would do you have to say about that people!!

* that quote is not 100% accurate; I might have dropped or added a few words due to some memory impairment from my end; however, I would like to think that I did convey the meaning intended by good ol’M

To my friends and those who know me…

I know I am not always a day in the park, unless the park is allowed to be messy and crappy and has some wasps flying here and there.

I’ve been told I can bring sunshine when I’m happy, that my smile can brighten someone’s day! But I am also aware how my temper can start storms of rage, and how my tears can be too depressing to handle; I make up for it by trying to stay quite when angry and smiling while crying; did you notice?

The sarcasm, it’s part of me that I love and cherish; I wouldn’t change it, so please bear with me. Better yet join me, it is fun, trust me, but just don’t make fun of others unless you can take it yourself!!

Depending on how well you know me, you might see me as a cynic. However, take a closer look, a deeper look perhaps; you’d see that I am believer in people and their potential of being good! I just remind myself that it’s only a potential because if I don’t I’d get disappointed more often.

Don’t let my weakness make you feel sorry for me or pity me; my weakness hides when I see pity in people’s eyes and fades when I remember the good things I have, the things that give me strength. But also, don’t let my strength fool you and make you think I couldn’t possibly be hurting, because I do, and surprisingly at the slightest things sometimes!

I am good with words, you must have noticed; I know which word to say in which phrase. Just don’t expect me to communicate verbally when I am troubled or when I am in need for something I simply couldn’t ask for! I lose words and I get confused in their meanings when I need to say them the most! Like the idiot I am, I expect, and perhaps wish people could read my mind and take that burden off of me; and like the idiot I am, I get disappointed when they don’t!

I know you might already know all that, and I know that you accept and appreciate me the way I am, because you’re still around showing your care and your support and enduring my numerous moments of stupidity! And for that I’m thankful. I try to do the same and I really hope I’m doing a good job!

raw and unedited

i don't wanna talk to my dad or my uncle because they will give me all that crap about 7otty a3sabek fe talaga we matanfa3leesh... and i know they are right but i can't help it!!

mawgoo3a... we makhnoo2a we 3ayza a3ayat... 7ata wana 3arfa en 3eyaty da men foo2 el wesh we mesh men ay 7aga aktar men 3asabeya we katma... we 3arfa en beggad all will be ok if i hang in there but i just need to collapse for a while there and feel the fall!

his aunt is right here visiting...

it started out with subtle talk and me hinting hidden insults towards him... shoghl 3ala nar hadya like they say... i don't know when it escalated but it did... she's polite and she didn't offend me... not intentionally at least... bas kalamha ghalat... kalamha kolo lame ass justifications for someone who doesn't know the meaning or the the the weight of what he did, the life he just ruined... howa ya3ne 3ashan i am intact we mesh maksoora yeb2a khalas elly 3amalo da wala 7aga!! howa ana lazem yedakhaloony masa7a at3aleg wala a cut my wrist we a3mel shoghl hysteria 3alashan ye3rafo en feeh damage!!! yes i am freakin recovering but there has been pain and it has not yet been healed and under no circumstances will i ever be willing to pretend it never happened or accept it to be ridiculed!!!! it was pain and it was real and i was 19 and now i am 27!!!! i was a girl and now i am mother, i changed and the change came with too much pain for me to grasp even when i say i do..... what the hell is wrong with people? what the hell is wrong with people to make something so real sound so cliche!!! i wanna scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at the top of my lungs if it would make them feel a fraction of my pain, but i am too freakin proud!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"yeb2a enty ya habibty elly ma3refteesh te7afzy 3ala beetek" she says... so simply... like it’s the answer to all my questions or the justifications to all my agony!! it's me!!! i know where her words are coming from, i know it's both her sympathy towards her own blood and the fruit of a rotten society that allows and justifies more irresponsibility from a man than a woman... she says motherhood is an instinct, and fatherhood is practice.... NO, IT'S NOT!!! it's not.... I can’t agree to that?? when did guys I know practice fatherhood when they first held their babies in their arms!!! when did my father practice any of it when he spent most of my childhood in oil fields, and when he wasn't, he came too late long after i had slept!!! "el regala elly 3andokom homa ellly mesh abahat" i replied with hate "i know ppl my father's age, my uncles' age and my age who are capable of being good fathers by instinct" and i left to my room.

ok, the mood has instantly changed when i got out of my body and watched how emotional i was... when i saw my baby sister met3asaba fe makany and my other sister and i in the room listening to the same anger I was conveying until we burst with laughter...

bas khalas!

You know you’re mentally disturbed when…

… you have a not so good a dream that you wake up around the time you were supposed to, only to sleep an EXTRA hour to dream a better dream so that you could go to work in a better mood!!

That’s what I did today!!

It was a dream about my x that involved too much anger and yelling form my end. The dream was more of a repetition of scenes that happened a million times in real life, only they were happening right now!!

He came to apologize, said he was sorry and that he regretted all of it and that he was no longer talking to her. However this time, all he wanted was for us was to be friends and to keep a the door of us not strictly shut like I keep saying. I didn’t even agree to that in my dream (this is what I mean by strictly shut). That was when I found out it was yet another lie and she called me herself to rub it in or something!! Funny thing, I could see that scene like I was watching rather than living it!! I could see myself jumping up and down while yelling at her on the phone and standing in the same place he was, weighing the consequences of hitting him so hard until I lose consciousness in my hand and arm!!

Boy do I have too much unresolved anger; I want it out people!!!

P.S. Thank you very much dear friend for mentioning him to me right before I went off to bed!! Like I needed that!!

Dear Blog Readers,

You are kindly requested to take the time to go read this post and provide a feedback; it would be highly appreciated. Thanks!!

Oh, and I didn't mean to sound that formal, you know me better, no???

;)

On detachment…

I’ve been thinking about the concept for a while and here is what I could come up with regarding myself; I am incapable of detachment!! I push myself too hard until I am completely able to detach, and no matter how detached I might I think I am, I never really stop caring!

I’ve been thinking about it since the night before yesterday’s court session as my uncle told me right in front of my dad that I was making a big deal out of it worrying!! “mate3esheesh el tagroba” he said! “You know very well that all this will end, either through divorce or khol3, mate7ra2eesh a3sabek ba2a” he explained. I went to bed trying to convince myself with his words; yes, I know it will end, but I am 3aysha el tagroba whether I like it or not!

You see, it’s not really up to me to pretend like I am ok with all of it, with how screwed up the system is, with the fact that a lot of other people who are less privileged are going through every day, people who do not have an back exit door like I do, or simply can’t afford one!! I am not an activist, but this “experience” has given me a perspective on many things I would have never even considered before! It got me out of the bubble where I was once protected from all the nastiness in the world, and forced me into seeing things I still have problems adjusting with, so excuse me for “living it” to the fullest!!

My uncle and I sat at the ahwa right outside Court since it was extremely hot in there and of course no a/c except in his honor’s room, while my lawyer joined as he kept checking if it was our turn to get in yet. They did all they could to make me understand that all this is nothing but an attempt to teach my x a lesson yet preserving my rights, which will make him rather butter since let’s face it, he’s a material jerk. I kept nodding in an attempt to really detach myself from all the anxiety and the digestion problems and headaches I’ve been having over this!

Their words stopped making sense the moment I saw him walking by! I’ve seen him a couple of times at court, but I never felt the way I did yesterday! I felt pain! The kind of pain you feel when someone steps on a sore toe, only that toe was my heart, or something! He walked by, he saw me and I saw him, only we pretended it never happened as he walked into the Court House! A while later I walked in with my uncle and my lawyer as he was walking out to check if his witnesses had arrived or not. I didn’t see him though; but my lawyer said I flinched and got closer to the wall the moment he passed right next to me, which made him stop and look at me in angry surprise! I didn’t even notice!!!

He brought two witnesses, friends of his whom we always went out with and invited home, back when we actually had a home! One of them, the one I always liked the most of his friends, walked right to me to say hi, I smiled back and greeted him politely. Nonetheless, I think I alienated him when he started saying words like elly benkom akbar men keda, and eh elly 7assal 3ashan kol da!! his other friend was feeling two awkward to talk to me, he simply gave me an embarrassed smile inside the judge’s room as he was saying I (I!) sent my x text message saying kalam mesh malabod!! Mind you, I learned my lesson, no talking in the presence of the judge unless permitted, and for all I know my x could have showed him something I never sent!!!

He asked for a permission to talk to the judge, and was granted one (ESHME3NA!!). He said more and more distortions of the truth, it’s disturbing how the order of events could totally change the truth and make it sound so different. I started boiling inside as he continued telling more twisted facts, but I could patiently wait until it was over and I asked the Judge to let me clarify a thing or two, or at least comment. He gave me one of his condescending looks as he said I should have gone before my x because I am the moda3eya! La ya sheikh, so I had the freakin’ right to talk, why the hell did you not let me know, wala shakly me2adeyaha ma7akem leel nahar!!!

Anyway, I told him my x LIED, I told him he made things sound different and briefly rearranged the things he had said! He interrupted me implying that my x and I were spoilt brats who didn’t know how to mind our own business and were guilty of lat we 3agn and went on and on about this being Egypt’s problem, yeah right!

I waited impatiently as he finished interrupting me and in a polite attempt told him he was far off, and that up until my marriage fell apart thanks to my x, I never told anyone about my life or my problems. My big proof was how my witnesses only had so little to share about or life before problems, while his friends didn’t! my lawyer said I kicked a** and that at some point before I started talking he was afraid I’d screw things, but was relieved when he saw me able to control my temper and tame the words that got out of my mouth! He said my words had an ok effect on the judge, which is great considering he’s who he is!

I did not feel the glory though! I was frustrated and maktooma as my uncle referred to me! How could I not!! I really don’t know how to detach myself from all that!!! I saw him, a person I once trusted who is now twisting facts to hurt me that way, and insisting to make me sound like something I am definitely not!! It hurts! People with whom I broke bread came to politely imply that I am out of my mind to let a marriage fall apart! Am I really? Did they even know half of the truth to pass judgment on me that way!! A judge who insists that I have no good grounds for a divorce is the one controlling my life right now! Someone whom I can only feel sorry for; for being too jaded and bitter to be sensitive about the words that shoot out of his mouth!

There will be a ruling at the end of this month, and the sad part is that I can’t help worrying even though I already know the verdict!!! I know all there is to come, and yet I am not able to jump ahead and skip the unpleasant things.

Oh oh!! He had stopped calling since my birthday, but for some reason, he attempted to call 11 times!! He texted me saying, “… let’s end this amicably; nothing will happen except what I want to happen…” I read it to my dad and uncle hoping they would contact him or something, but they nodded with disgust and said he was still the jerk that could not be trusted! Tab ana 3abita for wanting to believe him, I know I am!! Something in me wanted to call him and tell him I want to work things out and get a civil divorce, I wanted to believe that he’s capable of that!!

Ana te3ebt ba2a, we zehe2t!! we mesh 3arfa ezzay mesh ha3eesh el tagroba elly aslant ana madfoona feeha!!! I really don’t wanna be upset over it, any of it!! It’s not like I am addicted to nakad or anything!! Actually a friend of mine called to check on me, and was surprised I was laughing! Yes, I am smiling and laughing all the time, but my mind hurts!! It doesn’t seem to understand why any of this is happening!! UUUUFFFFFFFF

To Kov…

Reading his last post, I couldn’t help but remember something I once read somewhere that suggested the following…

Sometimes being brave is actually being the coward; the one who is challenged to be courageous because people expect him to, yet steps back and passes, will be condemned by all as a coward! If one chooses to be viewed as a coward when expected to be courageous; if one ceases to care about others’ expectations, one is considered brave enough!

Kov, I know it may not be of any relevance, but let me tell you that... close your eyes and shush all the sounds in your surrounding, listen to your instincts and to those little voices in you and do what they say! Don’t torture yourself by living up to other people’s expectations, or even yours for that matter; only live up to whatever your instincts are ready and willing to do. There, my 2 cents!!

Wishing you well buddy :)

Two things that remind me of my x!!

Two things I can’t do at all, and every time I am in need of having them done, I think of my x and remember how I never had to learn doing them simply because he did them!

Number one, tipping! I don’t know how to tip people, I swear it’s hard! I personally find stuffing people’s sweaty hands with money a tad embarrassing for me and humiliating for them!! Call me a snob, but even when I used to take 3eedeya, I never liked the idea of aunts and uncles stuffing money in my hand that way; so I can’t really imagine myself doing something to anyone that I hated being done to me!!

Now, I really wanna tip the nannies at my kids’ nursery for the efforts they’ve been doing with both my kids, but I can’t seem to find a way!! It’s pathetic, I have the money in my pocket, I know exactly who I want to give it to, but I don’t have the guts to give them the freakin’ money, I don’t know how to do it or whether I should be making eye contact and smiling or not!! I even thought of putting them in white envelopes with the names of the nannies, but I don’t know, it seemed too showy from my end, which is not how I want to be at all!! ARRRGGGHHHH I feel like crap not being able to show my gratitude and appreciation!

Thinking about that all the way from the nursery to work today, made me remember my x and how I could always whisper in his ears that I wanted to give a tip but I was too shy and he would take care of it!! Yes, I tried watching him to see how he did it but I guess I just never had it in me to it myself, it’s embarrassing!!


Number two, killing insects! I have mentioned my phobia before and I have mentioned that no matter how I attempt to fight insects, I will never really be able to stop fearing them. Two days ago, beem came running calling for me to see what mocha is doing, I went there to find him trying to grab a sticky half eaten skittles that was abandoned on the floor by him earlier that ants all over it! My first instinct was grabbing mocha while screaming hysterically and making sure no ants were on him; I washed both his hands and feet while feeling a million ants all over my body I started crying!!

Yeah, I see or think of any of those creepy living things that can surprise you like ants, roaches, geckos, spiders and even rats, and I feel utterly disgusted and now they remind me of him; all the more reasons to feel grossed!! Eww!! It’s scary because I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling the same way about insects just because they get to see me freak out every time I see any! I mean if there was anything I wish they take after their father, it would be his ability to kill all sorts of those things!!

A Snack, a Granita, a five-hours Conversation, and Coffee!

Yesterday I met with an old college professor of mine whom I comfortably refer to as friend. We haven’t met during the past nine years, but we’ve managed to keep in touch, thanks to emails and facebook!!

During the five hours we spent talking, I must say I couldn’t have possibly been happier! At some point, we had this conversation…

Me: … so, I was advised to avoid eye contact in case I was
provoked!
Him *laughing*: best advice ever! *more laughter* because you have the worse eye contact when you dislike someone!
Me *extremely surprised*: ME!!! When did that ever happen with you?!! You do know how much I like you!! You NEVER got on my bad side!!
Him *still laughing*: yeah I know, you’ve been amazingly sweet that it’s hard to picture you disliking anyone! But I remember seeing how you would glare at colleagues who bothered you back in college; it would be like you were shooting FIRE then all of a sudden, it would turn to ICE!! I remember thinking that could not be possible even physics wise!!
Me *laughing*: I’ve been told it was a good thing looks don’t kill because I would have been doing time now, lots of it!! I still find it unbelievable you noticed enough to remember!!
Him: you have no idea who remarkable that glare is!!

I was extremely touched by how much he remembered of me!! He always said he thought I was a unique person and that he admired my character. He always said that I communicated well and knew how to deliver my point, and that most of the time I was right and it fascinated him. I generally took his words of praise as a compliment despite the fact that M is not the type who make up things just to be nice, but seeing how he remembered such a detail amazed me! I was flattered someone I respect and admire that much thinks of me that way and actually knows about me something I never deliberately shared!!

Yesterday, I learned a lot of things from M through the most general of things that we discussed; everyday-life kinda stuff, only from a perspective I could relate to, finally!!!

As we walked down road 9 from Cilantro to Greko, I was amazed at how he knew random kids who sold tissues at the street and the guards who stood by the bank for God knows how many years to whom I never bothered stopping by and saying hello!! We walked into Greko and everyone knew and sincerely greeted him; the cashier actually told me I was privileged to be M’s friend, I confirmed with a big smile!

By the time I dropped him off to where he’s staying, he told me it was the most fun he had in Egypt so far! I told him we should repeat it before he left back home, and I really hope we would.

On sacrifice…

Sacrifice is one of the big words we use a lot in our society! The word itself has a strong presence, especially in Arabic; tad7eya!!

We really give this word more meaning than we can possibly be able to apply or practice. We magnify its greatness only by saying it with awe, but I personally don’t think we ever take the time to weigh its true meaning and the things that come with it!

I looked up the word in order to highlight what it meant, but to my surprise it had more of a religious origin and connotation rather than the social every-day implication we use!

Wiki highlighted the origin of the word and its practices from the point of view of various religions, and clearly stated that the word is used as a metaphor used to…

“describe selfless good deeds for others or a short term loss in return for a greater gain”

Merriam Webster clearly stated the meaning as follows…

“3 a: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else b: something given up or lost ”

As a matter of fact, both, the origin and the common use of the word nowadays seem to ignore some facts:

• - sacrifice IS related to loss,
  - sacrifice IS done willingly (be it the killing of an animal or human to serve a God),
  - sacrifice does NOT necessarily bring gain to the sacrificed (since let’s face it, they are sacrificed),
  - sacrifice is NOT necessarily worth it (a brief peek at history can prove my point),
  - sacrifice does NOT ensure greater gain to everyone involved (let's let's admit it, something has already been sacrificed; hence, there has been some sort of loss to one of the parties), and
  - sacrifice does NOT always serve a higher purpose (people’s vision can be too shortsighted after all!)

After all the above, I feel safe saying that I am not a big fan of the word/term sacrifice, I simply don’t. I don’t care if it decreases me from a greater being to a selfish one if I say I don’t believe people can be that selfless.

But before you judge me, take a minute and think about it; when people take the higher road or do the right thing, they automatically use the word sacrifice, no??? Why do you think they do that? I think because they want to get on a pedestal; because it was clearly implied at some point in our collective culture(s) that those who sacrifice are better beings who should be appreciated. The word became too commercial to the extent that its sacred meaning has diminished to yet another cliché that people simply overuse; moreover, expect acknowledgement for!

They say things like a parent sacrifices his/her happiness for his/her kids; they ask me to sacrifice my rights, me pride, and then my comfort for my kids’ sake, but they simply don’t get it! There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my kids if I can, but I will never sacrifice the things I think I deserve. i don’t think I have it in me to be big enough and not expect some sort of reward; therefore, I will always expect one, and of course I will always always be frustrated for not getting any! How can that be good for my kids? Let alone that the whole factor of willingness is not fulfilled! And don’t even get me started on the rest of the facts I mentioned above!!

This is not about my divorce or the silly opinions of people accusing me of being selfish for wanting a divorce because I honestly couldn’t care less anymore; I have explained all about my decision too many times.

It is more about how people confuse their duties, responsibilities and obligations with something they are incapable of doing, sacrifice! I know doing the right thing is never an easy task, but let’s not exaggerate!

Months ago, I was telling a friend of mine that one should not sacrifice their happiness because I think humans are incapable of being selfless and they end up expecting more happiness to come their way from certain doors of their liking that they might overlook happiness if it hit them in the face! I was telling my friend that we always expect something in return even when it’s something we should be doing anyways, and when we don’t get it, we get frustrated and resentful; hence, ruining the whole essence of the concept of sacrifice. So, before any of you blindly say they are capable of sacrifice, let me remind you, you DO NOT get anything in return; you just throw it to the wind and hope that it doesn’t throw it back at you hard where it hurts!! And just to end this cynical post, let me say this; when you pee in the wind, the wind blows it back in your direction, but it doesn’t work that way when you throw a kiss!

So there, I am a cynic for the day!! However, believe me when I say that I never believed in sacrifices and whenever I was conflicted about doing something against my will, I only did it because I thought it was the right thing, because I am rectifying something stupid I did before and had to pay my dues or simply because I had no better option, mesh batala!

I can’t think of a title!

Earlier this month, when A my colleague found out it was my birthday, he told me how his wife has a multi-personality disorder due to being a Gemini . He kept saying how she has two names; one her dad chose for her that she did not like; hence, every one calls her by her name of choice. He also elaborated that she was born on the 17th, but registered on the 18th; therefore she celebrated on the 17th, which caused him a lot of confusion so he ended up wishing her a happy birthday on both days to avoid any of her “Gemini madness”.

That was irrelevant, but it had to be said because on that very same day we received our medical insurance IDs and I rushed into his office asking him to confirm if her registered name was the one of the ID, since I know he always referred to her with her favorite name and when he made me fill the applications months ago he never mentioned she had a different name. my doubts were in place and the ID was issued with the wrong name which had me do more paper work to have it amended and have a new card issued and sent.

This was what led to this conversation that I still find hard to describe with any proper word!!

Moi *walking into M’s Office since A was there*: hey, here is R’s new medical ID, and here is the old one, my gift to her; now she also has two IDs with both names, as a Gemini, I know for a fact she will appreciate it :)
A *smiling*: shokran ya pasha, she will! Fe3lan el maganeen a7san nas yefhamo ba3d
Moi: merci ya 3a2el
A *looking at both cards*: OR I can marry another one bel esm el tany, now I have both covered medically
Moi: la ya sheikh!
Him: aiwa, mesh enty dayman bet2oleely etgawez tany (never happened of course)
Moi: no, not me, my crazy twin, or in your case, el twin el 3a2la ;)
Him *noticing my sarcasm*: feeha eh ya3ne lama atgawez tany, maho M ahoh 3ayez yetgawez tany
Moi *looking at M in disbelief*: ENTA YA M??!! dana ba2ool 3aleek tayeb we decent, mesh zay A!!
M *with his copyrighted dumb look*: ya3ne eh mesh fahem, howa 3ashan tayeb matgawezsh?
Moi: ba2oloko eh ana maleesh da3wa, ana rag3a maktaby
M: la la beggad… feeha eh lama atgawez, I wanna know your take
Moi: why would you want to remarry, I never met your wife, but you speak highly of her, and judging by the things you say enta meddala3 aslan, she’s a house wife and she’s taking care of your two sons and you strike me as a religious guy who wouldn’t like to inflict injustice to his good wife!
M *in a serious tone*: heya L fe3lan hayla and a perfect wife on so many level, bas ana fe3lan 3ayez atgawez tany
Moi *starting to have an aggressive tone*: leeh ba2a
A: tafasa!
Moi *laughing*: eh da 7atta A ra2yo men ra2yy!!
*A had a phone call so he had to leave the room*
M: L begad zooga kowayesa, bas feeha eh lama atgawez
Moi: eh elly mekhaleek 3ayez tetgawez… eh? Enta mel nas elly bey2olo sonna we keda?
M: no, ana mesh batgawez 3ashan fakerha sonna, howa feh nas bet2ol keda?
Moi: seme3t!
M: howa lazem yekoon feh sabab?
Moi: 3ala 7ad 3elmy la2 it’s a decision you make bas leeh shoroot shar3eya, lazem meratak teb2a 3arfa we mewaf2a….
M *interrupting*: we law mawaf2etsh?
Moi: mahy law mawaf2etsh men 7a2aha tetlob ettala2 we men 7a2ak 3aleeha ennak tettala2ha law enta mossamem tetgawez… enta ba2a shayef en mawdoo3 gawazak dab el ahameya el kafya ennak tehed beet we tegra7 meratak ell yenta nafsak betshkor feeha??
M: ya3ne howa da 3a2l, mesh men 7a2aha tetlob tettala2 law ana etgawezt!
Moi: la2 men 7a2aha, and you can double check!
M: fe wa7da tekhreb betha bardu
Moi *wishing looks could kill as I looked at him*: heya el set talabet tetala2 men nafsaha wala enta elly 3ayez tetgawez!!!!!!!!! We Kaman ana makhalastesh kalamy… shar3an, mesh rabena 2al en kheftom alla ta3delo fa wa7eda, ya3ne el 3adl da shart shar3y… we fe ra2y el motawade3, you won’t…
M: la fe3lan mesh ha3del… asl ana nefsy fe wa7da… ya3ne L hayla we motadayena we kol 7aga we ro7ha tayeba we nedeefa, bas ana 3ayez wa7da motadayena aktar
Moi *thinking to myself NA3AM*: ya3ne eh!!! Elly a3rafo en whatever your religious practices are, the only way you can impose them is by dedicated practice from your end… el deen qudwa just like any kind of behavior, I could be wrong bas da ra2y el khas!
M: te2sody eh?
Moi: ya3ne law wa7da mesh betsally, I think gozha mayenfa3sh ye2olaha tessaly gheer law howa aslant beyssally, we Kaman rabena elly bey7aseb mesh enta, enta leek el 7agat elly hatos2al 3anha feeha bas, we da bardo ra2y el motwade3 we momken awy atla3 mesh bafham!!
M: ana 3ayez wa7da motadayena zayy waktar, ya3ne lel 7a2 ana ah basaly el fard be fardo bas ana batfarag 3al tv we baroo7 cinema we basayef fe 7etat feeha women be mayohat…
Moi: mesh fahmak… *my phone rings* ba2olak I have to go answer the phone (phew, saved by the bell)

Now my own comment, with all respect, el ragel da ahbal wala beyestahbel!!! SERIOUSLY??? Tab ana mesh fahma we 3ayza afham we mesh 3ayza aghlat feeh la2en I used to respect him!! SERIOUSLY!!!!! I can’t find words!! SERIOUSLY!!! I wanna say “ye7ra2 el gawaz 3aly 3ayzeen yetgawezo” bas ba7awel ab2a mo2adaba!! SERIOUSLY!!!

A reoccurring thought!

Due to current events, as well as the not so great previous ones, I have been contemplating and trying to figure out a few things about myself using the information newly revealed by my therapist.

Here is what I could come up with…

I know I am hard maintenance and I know I am impossible to make up when angry. I have come to realize it's partially because I usually get too hurt beyond my ability to deal or express my feelings which is due to pushing myself too hard or allowing others to do the honors.

In the past few months, after my yelling contest with mid sis, which caused some piling up until the time that followed around a week before my birthday, in addition to my incident with baby sis, as well as the couple of times I stood before that jerk of a judge and , one thought kept surfacing. A thought that had lingered quite often during my last few months with my x. I could be that horrible I could be that impossible to endure or even tolerate!

I know all my flaws, or at least most of them. I’m proud to say I have worked on quite a few; I learned how to be tolerant and accepting of others and I toned down the attitude, plus a few lessons here and there. However, the truth remains; I am such a highly charged emotional baggage that does need some serious maintenance. I don’t cry a lot like I used to, I don’t even discuss things anymore; I just build thick walls of silence and passive aggression that could erupt any second into active aggression and incoherent rampaging of words.


It’s very unlikely for me now to sit down and say things like, “this annoys me and that hurts me.” When asked, I say it actually takes me quite a long time to be bothered despite how fiery my temper might seem to be. I assure friendly strangers with whom I have casual chats that there is nothing they can say or do that would piss me off; probably because I have no expectations from them; hence, no room for being disappointed if they fail me!

It hit me that this could go the other way around as well! With strangers, we are more accepting of things we wouldn’t normally accept from the ones in our close emotional circle; it’s a well known and acknowledged fact, I remember reading posts written by fellow bloggers who said it more eloquently.

That leaves me to a conclusion; it could be a harsh one, but it does make sense in my head somehow. I am a better friend that I can be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother for that matter. As a friend, I can still be comfortable, yet I keep my boundaries as much as I preserve myself from getting hurt by not expecting more than people can offer.

I am not a high maintenance friend; I understand about the need for space and I am not curious at all; when D or H subtly imply something and I sense they don’t really wanna talk about it, I let it slide and help them around it without having to get into it, whatever it is. When they call in tears needing support or asking for advice, I instantly use my vivid imagination to put myself in their shoes as well as the shoes of the person bothering them and help them find ways to communicate, which work most of the times to my surprise!!

H constantly tells me I am her best friend and that the times she calls me and I am unavailable, she knows for a fact that I will call back regardless of my non-ending drama. D tells me nothing about how good it is being my friend, but the way she’s been there for me all through the past 14 years means a lot to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would do anything for those two ; they wouldn’t even need to ask, and I would go the extra mile to make something work, and I know for a fact they would do the same for me! Even if they don’t, I really don’t expect them to, because I actually feel their love for me, the uncondional love that I only experienced once and lost when my late nana died, Allah yer7amha.

As for other friends, they are simply great! They might not be as close because we have not yet gone through the same things that brought me that close to D & H, and our relationships may simply not last long enough until we do. Nonetheless, when it comes to friends, I do what I can to be a good friend and I strictly refrain from favors because I don’t want to raise the expectations bar. Yet when any of my friends do something extraordinary, it touches me deep inside and it is carved in my heart until after I return the favor, and I never stop thinking of ways in which I can return the favor!

But I must admit, I have miserably failed when it came to my family(ies). I always knew I was never a good enough daughter, but I thought for a while I was a good wife and a very good sister; I could be wrong after all, and it’s ok for I understand one cannot be great in all aspects.

This brings me back to my above mentioned reoccurring thought… I suck at all kinds of relationships other than friendship. I either disappointor get disappointed. I don't want to do it anymore; it’s too much work and there are no guarantees, not to mention how traumatizing it can be when things fall apart. I’ve been there and I still am and I am sore and unable to deal.

A so-called break

Two days ago, my baby sister called from Alex where she had gone with my dad to relax for a couple of days asking me if it was possible to take three days off from work and chaperone her to Sharm El Sheikh since baba would not let her travel alone. It was right after I had published my last post and I still don’t know if she had read it or not!

My first instinct to her request was, “ok, let me figure a couple of things out and talk to mom” since she was the one supposedly accompanying her. According to my sister, ma had bailed on her because I am too stressed out and she can’t just travel for a couple of days and leave me!! So now I am that much of a burden!!

Anyway, I had a doctor’s appointment the next day for my last wisdom tooth to be pulled out, I had already started taking antibiotics to prepare; therefore, I did not want to postpone. Moreover, I had not yet called my boss to ask him if it was ok to take three days off. I packed for two anyways; mocha and I and decided that I should be ready anyway.

While packing I subconsciously started making plans for my stay in the hotel room and I couldn’t shake the thought of getting a massage one way or another if mocha sleeps or something! However, the moment I finished packing I sat on my bed and I kept murmuring, “mesh 3ayza asafer, mesh 3ayza asafer!” I did not want to leave my beem and I most certainly couldn’t take both my kids with my sister leaving me all alone all day to her conference, let alone having to travel with her colleagues with two kids is just too weird!

The next day, I called my boss on my way to the dentist and he said that he would prefer it if I don’t leave and that he did not like how sudden my request was, somehow that was a relief. So I sent my sister text telling her to talk to mama and called ma telling her it was really ok for me that she goes with my sis. Later, while waiting at the clinic my other sister called asking me if I could drive both of my sisters to the place where they gather with other NGO members to leave, I told her I wouldn’t make it on time and that they should take a taxi or something.

I couldn’t help but feel like my virtual plans were ruined, but well, I also knew I had cold feet about leaving one of my kids at home! I kept telling myself that it was all for the best, and perhaps both of my sisters taking some time off would do everyone some good.

I started planning for the weekend getaway and called my father to confirm that I can proceed with making reservations if there was available rooms in el Ein el Sokhna. When I called him he was in a grumpy mood, he blamed me for making a promise to my sister to chaperone her and getting her hopes up that way, and he told me that it was either mama or I who should go with her and that one of us should keep her word!

So, I called my boss again and promised him I will be checking my mail regularly and finally got him to agree, then called my sister and told her to put some last-minute stuff in my already packed bag and meet me downtown to take the bus. Then I finally got into the dentist’s office who overheard most of the conversations anyway, and got my wisdom tooth pulled. It was painful and it still hurts like hell, it’s worth mentioning I am under both antibiotics and Panadol extra and I still feel like a couple of anesthetic shots!!

It was extremely HOT, and it took what seemed like forever to meet and then get into the small bus and then finally move on our way to Sharm and it took a bit more until the A/C had finally kicked in!! Meanwhile, my shades failed to hide the signs of utter disgust on my face as my teeth were clenched biting on that piece of bloody cotton hoping that the pain wouldn’t drive me crazy. Nonetheless, I kept thinking, perhaps it’s the break I wanted; perhaps I would finally get to relax, even if I didn’t get to sit by the beach or get a massage, I usually enjoy slacking around in a nice and cozy hotel room. I always look for something to keep me positive and I always tell convince myself that there is a good thing about going for something as well as there’s a good thing on not doing the same thing!!

My sister kept treating me as if I were an emotional wreckage for some reason! I did not want to ask her if she had read my post; instead, I just told her that I was fine with travelling with her and that she had to stop apologizing and start relaxing and enjoying the experience. I meant it, I promise.

It was a long ride, my no longer existing tooth was killing me and I kept gulping panadol extras as if it were Chiclets. It’s worth mentioning though that mocha was quite an angel all through; he slept and when he was up he really really behaved, I’m so proud of my baby.

On our way, my sister shared the delightful news; she had run out of contact lenses; moreover, while talking to my dad on the phone as he was telling her that her trip is to be cancelled if neither mama or me went with her, she threw her glasses and got them broken, which left her technically blind. This meant we had to look for a place that sells prescription contacts once we arrive at Sharm, which was not expected to be any earlier that 8:30 pm, and just to make things more interesting, it turned out we were not booked in Naema Bay and that the hotel (resort actually) was 7 kilos away! Great!

When we finally arrived, one of us had to stay and check in while the other had to ask around for advice on where to find an optician or a pharmacy that sells contacts. Since my sister had blurry vision in addition to her original bad sense of direction, I suggested that she would handle the checking-in while I go to Naema Bay.

It’s crazy how people in Sharm know to take advantage of 7 kilos distance from where I was to Naema Bay; one word: 7arameya!! Anyways, beggars are not chooser, but it sure made me miss my car. So, once I got there, I got to see the new ugly face of Sharm el Sheikh; it was by no means the place I liked six years ago! People were extremely unhelpful and unfriendly; and strapping mocha to me in his carrier was an additional factor for people to flee instead of offering help like it normally happened in good old Cairo!! Apparently, having a baby strapped to me eliminated the sexy factor, let alone being in jeans and a shirt while everyone was in their tank tops and shorts!

After some serious effort from my side to overlook some annoying factors as I walked in Naema Bay, I finally got the contacts and bought some drinks and dinner and headed home since my sis called saying there were no dinner arrangements at the hotel. She was having a bit of an attitude over the phone and I gave her some back because honestly, I was too tired to start taking any shit from anyone at that point.

I got back to find that she was still at the lobby with the luggage because our residence was too far away and she worried I wouldn’t find the way easily given how huge the resort is. So one tuf-tuf and one gold cart later, we finally got into one nice cozy room, with the touch of nice old Egyptian style! I was excited and I started thinking things were gonna get better, little did I know.

I got into the bathroom to freshen up to find a black evil looking spider; the fact that it was rather small did not change the bigger fact that I am a wuss when it comes to insects, spiders and similar creatures in general. However, a quick evaluation of the situation helped me overcome my fear temporarily and I took off my slipper and squished it while screaming a lot louder than it would have had been given the chance! I got out of the bathroom all grossed and my mood was ruined, only it didn’t really show with all the fatigue.

Mocha stopped being an angel since he was bored, tired, hungry and simply irritated like any infant his age would. And to make things worse, he dropped a full pepsi can on his toe and it turned all blue and ugly and the poor thing kept crying! I could barely eat my meal despite how hungry I was and I asked my sis after noticing that she had finished eating to take him so that I can finish up. She kept nodding and mumbling things.

It’s worth mentioning that she had already provoked the crap out of me as I was telling her that next time we want food we should go out and eat instead of bring food into the room. She said she had dinner arrangements with the conference people, so I told her she should join me afterwards so that she can help me with mocha as I had dinner before heading back to the hotel. She simply said with her usual condescending tone, “ana 3andy fekra a7san, we split the money, we kol wa7ed feena ma3 nafso.” At that point I just waved with my hand asking her to stop talking and silently decided that it was a stupid idea to drag my son and go to a place where I simply wouldn’t be able to move freely for his convenience.

Mocha was still grumpy and irritated and I asked her again to take him so that she can comfort him until I finish up and wash my hands. Instead, she deliberately ignored me and started cleaning up after herself! I told her I would clean up for the two us and that it was more important that she attended to him since he needed comforting. Again, she insisted on ignoring me with her usual dismissive way that usually gets on my nerves.

That was it for me; I’ve been piling shit loads of crap from everyone in my family for a while, my tooth was killing me, I was having muscular strain because of that stupid carrier, my toes were hurt because of not-for-walking-long-distances slippers, I was still hungry since I didn’t really get to eat having to handle mocha, and I was still traumatized by the spider incident… I did not need attitude and most certainly not from someone who does not appreciate my help five hours after she wouldn’t stop apologizing for causing me that much trouble!!

I held my cell and I called mama asking her to come the next day so that I could go back. She kept making fun of my spider encounter and said how I once made them switch hotels because I found a roach. When she finally sensed how angry my tone was she figured I had a fight with my sis and handled the phone to baba who kept yelling at the two of us and said that if we couldn’t suck it up and behave like grownups we should return to Cairo at that instance.

Meanwhile, my dear sister blurted all sorts of insensitive shit that I think ruined our relationship for a while now. It’s sad how I thought of a million things to hurt her by saying, but I only said things like “law ma7taramteesh nafsek hagy adrabek” I almost had the urge to go punch her or something, but I held back because something in me screamed that I couldn’t do this to my sister! But I am mad at her despite how she kept crying and apologizing for all the mean things she said. Thing is, I was deeply hurt by what she said, and I know it will take me quite a while to be able to pretend it never happened.

Having her tell me I was a whiner who did not know how to do anything but complain, how I am always insisting on being right and doing things my way and never compromising brought painful memories I have been trying to block and almost succeeded until yesterday. But it helped me decide something; I am moving out, I may not be able to afford it, so I will ask for financial help from my dad which I was not willing to do before. However, I think it’s better that I keep a healthy distance between my sisters and I.

We tried to talk afterwards; in fact, she kept saying how we needed to talk and I kept shutting her off. I don’t wanna talk anymore; I no longer do those heart-to-heart-opening-up talks. I may be as talkative as hell, but once I am offended that way, I just prefer to keep my mouth shut. She kept saying how we’re still sisters and how she loves me and asked me if I loved her back, I found myself looking the other way as I told her I hated that word and I no longer believed people could actually mean it without hiding behind it as the inflicted pain on their loved ones. She said I was being silly because our sibling love is much higher than that, I didn’t have it in me to tell her that it wasn’t, and that after the things she said, I was only interested in us being sisters in a formal way, whatever that is.

Call me 3ayela for not willing to talk things through, but I am beginning to think that some feelings are better left un-discussed and un-channeled. I must confess, detachment never felt so appealing.

I had a bad night, but then again, I’ve had worse. Mocha didn’t seem comfy in his sleep either. You know your nights sucked when you fall to restless sleep after 2:00 am to wake up on your own for no good reason at 6:00 am. We showered and got out of the room to have breakfast at 7:30. On our way to the restaurant mocha fell as he was insisting on walking and running, so I told my sis to leave us there and catch her group while I took care of him, which resulted in us losing track of one another and having breakfast in two different restaurants. Luckily the waiters in my restaurant were helpful and friendly, and mocha enjoyed poking his food as I fed him.

I finally got back to the room and actually had some sleep once I checked my work mail and sent out some replies using dial-up since there is no wi-fi in the room, let alone that it costs over 26 egps an hour!!

Shortly after waking up, I got into the bathroom to find a gecko. I screamed so loud, I think I heard echo! Why! WHY would I find a spider yesterday and find a gecko today?! I decided against using the bathroom until further notice, which happened around 40 minutes later when mocha decided he needed a change!

I got into the bathroom offering the tiny gecko a treaty and promising I wouldn’t even consider harming it as long as it remained hidden! The gecko kept its promise, but as I got closer to the lavatory, I spotted a vicious looking spider on the wall next to the mirror, and it was significantly bigger than the one I killed yesterday, 3aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

That was it! I cleaned up mocha in a hurry, got out, got dressed, called customer care and asked them to send someone from housekeeping and almost freaked at the guy when I sense how he was trying to contain his laughter, which made him apologize.

I spent around 30 minutes at the unit lobby playing with mocha until the room was done. I got back into the room to find some customer care dude checking if I was satisfied with how clean the room have supposedly become. I think that’s code for me being their joke for the past 30 minutes; I know it makes me sound paranoid, but you should have heard the tone.

I slept again once mocha was asleep, this time it was for a longer time, only my sleep was dreams about my x pointing a gun at me through a door and I could see through it, followed by my own attempt to kill myself! Ain’t life just grand?!

I woke up to find a text message from my sis saying that she was expected back 20 minutes ago and that she had already ate lunch. I called her asking if she felt like dinner together, she said there were dinner arrangements with her colleagues that she was going to ditch because she didn’t feel like eating and that she needed to rest.

She came back and asked how my day was, I told her it was ok. She said, “enty betharagy, makalateesh men sa3et el fetar le7ad delwa2ty” I told her I made an order shortly before she came back and that it was expected any minute.

So far, I hate that I came to Sharm, I hate the city, I hate the resort even though it’s supposedly five stars, I hate the cable tv that only has one channel in English, CNN and two channels in Arabic, Al Jazira & Rotana Cinema! I hate the fight I had with my sister, I hate having missed work to be trapped in a secluded place where I don’t even feel like getting out of my room because of the unbearable heat. I hate that my plans starting the next weekend two days earlier to go to el Ein el Sokhna are practically ruined.

I am starting to think my sisters are right; perhaps I can do nothing but complain! I think I have gotten used to wallowing instead of actually doing something about it; I think I have become addicted to misfortunes because it’s easier to whine than it is to change things and shake them up! Or maybe I wasn’t clear! I need a vacation either without both of my kids where I am assured they are well taken care of and happy or a vacation with both of them with me, plus someone who babysits until I get my own treats. At this point, I am not even sure if anything can work for me; therefore, I will no longer have hopes or wishes, I give up.

… and the volcano erupted…

Three weeks ago, I went to my art therapist for my second time. I had agreed with him that I do the drawing at home and visit for the analysis in order to not waste time waiting for my turn since it seems to be really hard for my family to babysit my kids.

I remember one of my drawings was done when I was having a fight with my sister. Also, I remember that during most of my drawings I would remember something upsetting and I would try to put it into whatever it is I was coloring! I had forgotten about that until he mentioned it. He looked through my drawings and made a note about how I still seem to have not found myself, and then he said, “Your reactions tend to be extremely violent and aggressive! However, it seems they get that way when you’re really provoked and pushed beyond your limits; otherwise, you’re very peaceful”.

We were interrupted for a while and then when we resumed, I agreed with him. He told me that my anger was basically harming me, not those who trigger it… that my violence and aggression have a negative impact only on me. I commented that I tend to be on the angry side and that i seem to have been supressing it for a while now, he explained that anger is usually a reaction in the form of feelings that need to be expressed and channeled; otherwise, it would turn into depression. He said the optimum thing for me was to learn to channel my anger and express it in the form of being more assertive.

I was shocked to hear he thought I was not assertive enough; I always thought I was! Everyone around me always made not to subtle comments about my attitude and my strong character and how sometimes I behave more like a male rather than the average submissive female!! He argued that it’s different, that I tend to be too nice to those I care for, that I might pressure myself into taking more than I can handle out of my care and out of my tendency to walk in their shoes.

I tried to argue, but I couldn’t find much to say. He proved his point by referring to my x and how I endured more than I should have and waited until I was pushed too hard and simply couldn’t take anymore. He warned me that I should not allow those who love me to push me beyond my limits. He said I should make my boundaries clear and explain the things I am not willing to take clearly enough in a black/white kinda way; that I should be more assertive that way.

I have been thinking about that since that last session. I’ve been watching myself dealing with my family. As a matter of fact, my friends know my boundaries, they have all experienced angry me and they simply know how to avoid her; nonetheless, my family never knew how to avoid angry me although they have had numberless encounters with her!!

In the past three weeks, I have been on the verge of losing my temper with my mom and my two sisters, and I have really wanted to talk to them and practice my therapist’s advice because I did not want to start having grudges with people I care for. I’ve been putting off that kind of talk for until I am calm enough to do it in an assertive way rather than an angry way.

Seems like I have been putting it off for quite a long time… because today I erupted.

I find my mom pretty abusive with her words and her implications. I feel that she always gives me the biggest dosage because I am the one who fails to ignore her. She’s been making not so subtle comments about how much mess and noise my kids are making, how I should be a better mother when she herself has failed to be a better mother for me for the past 27 years! She doesn’t see her failure, she doesn’t realize that my sisters spending time in their rooms or out with friends to avoid communicating with her.

My parents do not understand my daily battle with myself talking myself out of blaming them. I hate blaming people, especially when it has to do with my own wrong decisions… but here are the facts…

My parents were suffocating me since before I have become a teenager; strict curfews, continuous invasion of my privacy, and constant abuse of my social life!! They made marriage sound more like a getaway plan rather than a choice, so finding someone I loved made it even better; I dressed him on a shiny armor and put him on a white horse and jumped with utter joy when he reached out for my hand!! Now that I am back broken, I will resume the life style they once imposed on me out of their protection of me from what people would think of a divorcee!!

Perhaps I would have been more accepting of it if they applied the same kind of treatment with my younger sisters. But no!! they seem to give them more space to do things I was never allowed to and until now I don’t think I would be allowed to do!! It drives me crazy that I actually had to tell a lie about where I was the other day to have a couple of hours with a friend!! I am 27 for the love of God!!! 7aga teksef!! I know my sisters lie and twist facts a lot to get away with whatever it is they want to do; I taught them that, but to do it myself at this age is just humiliating.

I NEED A BREAK PEOPLE… I am sorry if you find my desperate need for a break too much to ask for or think it’s some sort of an irresponsible behavior. If you call this irresponsible, what do you call what my x has been doing!! Ok, strike that, I refuse to be compared to him. But I do need a break, I think I deserve one and I don’t think it’s a selfish thing to have one, no strings attached. I want a peaceful night were I can simply watch the stars in the sky and listen to my music, I need a massage, I need time with my best friend were I can catch up without having to watch out for either beem or mocha and worry about them harming themselves or each other!!

Now my two sisters… I’ve been passive aggressive with both for a while now, but I am sorry gals, you really have been pushing me! Both of you know that I love you too insanely and that the thought of us getting that distant is extremely painful to me… but lately, it seems like you don’t give the slightest care, and it hurts.

You don’t have to be that condescending, you don’t need to detach that way, you don’t need to judge that much, you don’t have to be that insensitive with all the things you say, do and even imply!! You are four years and six years younger than me and alhamdulilah neither of you have done my mistakes and if you still want me in your lives as a friend, not just a sister, I will always make sure you don’t repeat any of my mistakes, but it seems you don’t even care that much for me as a sister.

I don’t even know how to explain it in details because it’s too raw and I am too sore that way!!

I detach when strangers piss me off. I simply act all snobbish and arrogant and stop sympathizing. Lately you’ve been hurting me in so many ways and treating me in this particular way as if I did something terrible, and I am sorry but I don’t see what I have done; if anything, I think I should start acting that way and start detaching for preservation purposes.

And no, I have not started it and yours is not a reaction to something I have done like you keep saying. That day you wrote that you only react, I tried to think of my action so hard but I couldn't put my hand on it! If I had done anything that earned me that so called reaction, I would have taken it better, because I am very aware of my actions and I do take full responsibility for them. And this makes it hurt even more.

My dear family, you think I have been taking enough time to heal and stand back on my feet. In fact, you’ve supported me for quite a while, and I am thankful, but I have not healed yet, and I am sorry if by saying that I seem like a whining b!^$# but I have not healed! I am feeling better; I started feeling better with your help, but now, you’re denying me that help and suggesting that I don’t even deserve it!!

I wanna lash out and tell you that I don’t need your help or your support and that I would rather move out and rely on myself. But sadly, I can’t; and the fact that I can’t makes it twice as hard for me to suck it up and adapt. How can I adapt when I feel so helpless and dependant?! Every time I see things for what they are that way, I resent my life and I resent my choices. I try not to blame anyone but me, and usually I blame no one but myself.

I blame me for taking a lot more than I can handle from each and every one I cared for. I blame myself for walking in too many shoes when the ones I care for did not bother walking in mine when I needed it the most! I am ashamed at myself for that, because I always always believed that any relationship has to be both ways, and that one should never give more than they take unless at other times they take more than they give. Looks like I gave too much and when I needed to take some more than I gave my check bounced.

I am not badly hurt or heartbroken; I am not even that disappointed. I have already talked to my mother in an erupting manner followed by a calmer manner. As usual, she had to misinterpreted some of what I said into siblings jealousy which infuriated me, but I explained that I never wanted anything my sisters had that I didn’t, simply because I am aware than I had other things they never had, she will never get it though. But I decided to talk to my sisters; if not today, then perhaps when they read this… they’re welcomed to come discuss it provided they don’t do it when I am in one of my pseudo happy moods, I cherish those and I would hate to have them ruined because they are the closest I get to happy.

So there, the volcano erupted, and alhamdulilah it wasn’t that bad. It was much worse in my head.

Judge a book by its cover, and you may never read me!

• M: el net bateee2a awy awy awy el naharda, 3andek keda
  bardu?
  Me: *nodding* but I just restarted the router men hena, shoof keda
  tany… heya ba2et a7san showaya!
  Him: *almost out of my room, then remembered something and turned* 3amalty eh?
  Me: *innocently* 3amalt lel router restarting!
  Him: meneen???
  Me: men 3al pc hena!!
  Him: how did you do that?
  Me: ta3ala hawareek
  Him: *standing next to me to see the monitor as I showed him, then gasping and saying in a surprised tone* enty bete3rafy te3meleeh men hena!!!
  Me: yeah! Enta awel mara te3rafha?
  Him: I know it akeed, bas matakhayltesh ennek bete3rafy, the way you handle things just… *couldn’t find the words*
  Me: *laughing* that does not sound like something nice, but it’s ok, now you know you should give me a lot more credit than that

It’s true!! People in real life always always seem to get the wrong impression of me. On my blog I babble a lot and share too many things it makes it easier for whoever reads it able to guess what I am like in real life. In real life however, people don’t get to know what I am really like until I am comfy enough to share!

I usually keep a calm smile, and keep my opinions to myself until asked; I hold back sarcasm so that I wouldn’t offend people who have not yet gotten used to the fact that this is how I channel a lot of things.

People usually mistakenly describe me as: hadya, ra2ee2a, mehawda, talabaty 2olayela, and a3saby hadya!!! They simply don’t get it; when I behave that way, it’s because I don’t care about expressing my point and I have no problem not reacting to whatever it is they’re saying or doing! But once I am comfortable enough, or provoked for that matter, I show all shades of my true color, and I don’t care!!

Another thing, I don’t do a lot of things because I don’t feel like doing them. When I say I don’t know how to do that, chances are I never even bothered trying because I know someone else has the know-how and would do them smoothly without me having to take the time and learn how to do them myself. Usually when I decide that I should do them, I do them, and I do them well; I kinda am a fast learner!

Here are a list of things I always say I don’t know how to do, simply because I never thought I would need to do them, and I still don’t!

• - Change tires… de el meeza el wa7eeda fel sha3b el masry, 7ubbo le mosa3det el shaba el me7tasa!! How can I deprive them of that? Seriously though, I would have it done and pay for it if I had to, otherwise park and leave the car and send my dad’s driver… I know I am a spoilt brat that way
• 
  - Bargain… I am against the concept; I believe in the seller’s right to profit, if I were the once selling something I would hate it when people deny me that… if I think something is over priced and I'm being ripped off, toz felly beybe3ha, snobbish I know!
• 
  - Set up any software on the pc other than the day-to-day kinda stuff and preliminary settings of printers and scanners… if it gets complicated I ask someone to do it, and they usually take some time to figure it out on their own, ya3ne mesh bastahbel!
• 
  - Read manuals before using anything… I rely on instinct, if I get stuck on something I check the manual, but reading the manual before trying is something I just wouldn’t do
• 
  - Speak better Arabic… ana batkalem 3araby kowayes geddan, homma kam kelma everyone I know makes fun of… I know how to say them properly, it’s just that I got used to saying them the way I do… ok, and I am really bad with some plurals… eh gam3 toktok masalan???

I can’t think of more now, but you get the general idea…

M has been working with us for less than a month now, but after this conversation, he realized I am not as ignorant to technology as I seem to be judging by how I told him I didn’t know so many things before as well as asking him to format my pc.

A on the other hand was just telling my boss “de 7o2na! de lama te7ot fe demaghha te3mel 7aga, khalas hate3melha, and in her own way, mayetkhafsh 3aleeha, wana elly kont ba2ool 3aleeha helpless we me7taga 7ad yakhodlaha 7a2aha!!”… I reminded him of when he used to say “qanoo3a we mesh betefre2 ma3aky ay 7aga, we ya batkht goozek beeky”, he said “and you are, mahonto keda ya borg el gawza2”

It could be a Gemini thing… now I know there is enough Gemini bloggers here to tell me if it’s true ;)

Mmmmm…

In the past week, if not even before, I have been figuring more things out about myself!! Some of them I have already known in a “they-kinda-make-sense” way and were simply re-identified, while other things came to my attention as a shock!

My previous two posts seem to be a result of me taking some time to contemplate and figure out some more about who I am with respect to all the things I’ve been finding out.

So, in the spirit of finding out even some more, I will be posting about my new discoveries for the purpose of documenting as well as sharing; perhaps it would help me know yet more about moi!!

Who knows, may be I would actually find something to write in the About me space!!

For the time being…

I never really knew where I wanted to be…
I never really knew who I was,
And I never really knew what I wanted!

I always thought it was enough to know where I did not want to be…
I found peace in knowing what I was not,
And I was convinced about the things I did not want!

Apparently, that was not always the best approach!!

Turns out, I spent too much time avoiding where I did not want to go, instead of going places…
I realized that knowing what I was not, didn't define who I was,
And it hit me that I missed some good things just because I didn’t know I wanted them!

Too many ups and even more downs, yet I am still baffled!
However, in a very brief moment of clarity, it hit me…

For the time being, I know where I am…
For the time being, I know what I want!!
At least for the time being, and perhaps for a limited period of time!

I have an outline of who I am, but I am still trying to figure that out…
It’s taking some time, but I am ok with it;
Because once I know who I am,
I will be able to know where I want to be and what I want when things change

All I am asking for is more of that peace,
And more signs to let me know I am on the right path…
At least, for the time being!

My Favorite Things

As if I wasn’t quirky enough!

I know it’s a bit late, and I know Kov probably forgot, but here… I won’t write the rules, everyone knows them by now…

• 
  1- I don’t “aghammes”; I eat whatever with a fork/spoon, then take bites of bread! My x used to be embarrassed that his faffy wife eats fool with fork… before anyone makes any related jokes, my dad was the one who taught me that, and he was pretty strict about touching food with our fingers (only thumb and index). Oh, and when I do, I keep sniffing my hands and washing them over and over until I can no longer smell food. No wonder I hated cooking.
  
  2- I am not good with any kind of social protocols we Egyptians seem to excel. I don’t insist that visitors drink something when they visit, I offer sincerely, they say no, I don’t push!! I don’t throw food in their plates during lunch or dinner. I don’t feel comfortable fighting over who gets the bill at a café. And most of all, I am lousy at giving tips; I don’t know how much to give or how to give it, I turn red and I completely avoid eye contact!!
  
  3- I have too vivid an imagination, and not always in a good way, so if I happen to be worked out about something and I am feeling too negative about it, trust me, I live the worst-case scenario in my head, sometimes I cry! I have relived my divorce in my head in so many scenarios so far!
  
  4- I don’t ask people for favors, I don’t know how! And I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone does me a favor or any nice gesture, and it keeps haunting me until I return it.
  
  5- I barely lose touch with my surroundings even in my sleep. It’s not just about insomnia, I am a light sleeper; my mind barely shuts down! If I’m lucky, things that happen around me find their way into my dreams without disturbing me. It’s worth saying I am not always that lucky!
  
  6- I have an extraordinary ability of blocking painful things away from my memory and not reacting to them at the moment; this is how I survived the past two years! Problem is, sometimes my mind stops performing that task when I am exhausted and it’s like you pulled the plug on your freezer; a serious meltdown of unpleasant thoughts!
  

There Kov, you can’t say I don’t keep my word, the tag is done :)

Oh, and if you feel like doing this tag, be my guest, just leave me a comment so that I can check it out.

Close enough to craziness...

I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?