June 24, 2008

A reoccurring thought!


Due to current events, as well as the not so great previous ones, I have been contemplating and trying to figure out a few things about myself using the information newly revealed by my therapist.

Here is what I could come up with…

I know I am hard maintenance and I know I am impossible to make up when angry. I have come to realize it's partially because I usually get too hurt beyond my ability to deal or express my feelings which is due to pushing myself too hard or allowing others to do the honors.

In the past few months, after my yelling contest with mid sis, which caused some piling up until the time that followed around a week before my birthday, in addition to my incident with baby sis, as well as the couple of times I stood before that jerk of a judge and , one thought kept surfacing. A thought that had lingered quite often during my last few months with my x. I could be that horrible I could be that impossible to endure or even tolerate!

I know all my flaws, or at least most of them. I’m proud to say I have worked on quite a few; I learned how to be tolerant and accepting of others and I toned down the attitude, plus a few lessons here and there. However, the truth remains; I am such a highly charged emotional baggage that does need some serious maintenance. I don’t cry a lot like I used to, I don’t even discuss things anymore; I just build thick walls of silence and passive aggression that could erupt any second into active aggression and incoherent rampaging of words.



It’s very unlikely for me now to sit down and say things like, “this annoys me and that hurts me.” When asked, I say it actually takes me quite a long time to be bothered despite how fiery my temper might seem to be. I assure friendly strangers with whom I have casual chats that there is nothing they can say or do that would piss me off; probably because I have no expectations from them; hence, no room for being disappointed if they fail me!

It hit me that this could go the other way around as well! With strangers, we are more accepting of things we wouldn’t normally accept from the ones in our close emotional circle; it’s a well known and acknowledged fact, I remember reading posts written by fellow bloggers who said it more eloquently.

That leaves me to a conclusion; it could be a harsh one, but it does make sense in my head somehow. I am a better friend that I can be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother for that matter. As a friend, I can still be comfortable, yet I keep my boundaries as much as I preserve myself from getting hurt by not expecting more than people can offer.

I am not a high maintenance friend; I understand about the need for space and I am not curious at all; when D or H subtly imply something and I sense they don’t really wanna talk about it, I let it slide and help them around it without having to get into it, whatever it is. When they call in tears needing support or asking for advice, I instantly use my vivid imagination to put myself in their shoes as well as the shoes of the person bothering them and help them find ways to communicate, which work most of the times to my surprise!!

H constantly tells me I am her best friend and that the times she calls me and I am unavailable, she knows for a fact that I will call back regardless of my non-ending drama. D tells me nothing about how good it is being my friend, but the way she’s been there for me all through the past 14 years means a lot to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would do anything for those two ; they wouldn’t even need to ask, and I would go the extra mile to make something work, and I know for a fact they would do the same for me! Even if they don’t, I really don’t expect them to, because I actually feel their love for me, the uncondional love that I only experienced once and lost when my late nana died, Allah yer7amha.

As for other friends, they are simply great! They might not be as close because we have not yet gone through the same things that brought me that close to D & H, and our relationships may simply not last long enough until we do. Nonetheless, when it comes to friends, I do what I can to be a good friend and I strictly refrain from favors because I don’t want to raise the expectations bar. Yet when any of my friends do something extraordinary, it touches me deep inside and it is carved in my heart until after I return the favor, and I never stop thinking of ways in which I can return the favor!

But I must admit, I have miserably failed when it came to my family(ies). I always knew I was never a good enough daughter, but I thought for a while I was a good wife and a very good sister; I could be wrong after all, and it’s ok for I understand one cannot be great in all aspects.

This brings me back to my above mentioned reoccurring thought… I suck at all kinds of relationships other than friendship. I either disappointor get disappointed. I don't want to do it anymore; it’s too much work and there are no guarantees, not to mention how traumatizing it can be when things fall apart. I’ve been there and I still am and I am sore and unable to deal.

9 comments:

Deeeeeee said...

Well, its a good thing you're working on your flaws, some people (most people don't). There is no such thing as having a smooth relation with your sisters (at least not when you're both staying the same house). You don't seem like someone that's impossible to endure, you might be high maintenance but so is everyone, so don't be too harsh on yourself. Its always smoother with friends, and you seem to be a really good friend and have some really good ones. So enjoy that and hold on to it tight! :)

rasha said...

The Problem with families is that they take us for granted so they don't put much thought into their words, attitudes...etc
What i experienced is that - i sense ur the same- because i have a stand...because i don't follow blindly and i don't keep my mouth shut and CAN NOT hide my facial expressions...i'm not a comforting person!
ya3ni mesh ah oo 7ader oo tayeb ma3a ebtesama samega wana men gowaya bal3an salsafeel elly odami. No, I get hurt and i get silent and sad when close family members hurt me or at least act rude in a way i never attempted to follow with any of them.

Your statement of being not good enough as a daughter, sister, wife and mother is way to cruel...and let me tell you you're not doing anyone a favore when u treat YOU this way!

You are YOU...and for being that true...that's good enough and who ever has a problem pleaaaaaase let them deal with it...you'll be doing them a great favor actually.

Hugs ba2a*

Adam said...

Or

that your friends are simply better people than your family(ies)

and by better I mean, you know, more tolerant, more understanding, more flexible...etcetera

insomniac said...

D,

i forgot to mention something... i only work on few flaws; other than that, i actually like some of my flaws and cherish them :-/

i've been told it was my way for rationalizing, but i don't care i like those flaws nonetheless :))

i like being harsh on myself because i'd rather do it myself than have people being harsh on me!


rasha,

u have no idea how i malfunction with my bigger family because of being strict when it comes to my likes and dislikes and what i accept of them... my bigger family stopped hurting me the day i kept my distance and detached myself... social visits and occasional catching up never harmed anyone... yes i have an uncle here and aunt there whom i could shoot dead if i had to communicate with on regular basis, so i just detach... it's a delicate balance especially when u have a father like mine who preaches day and night about selat el ra7em... i am still trying to gather my thoughts and logic in order to sit him down and talk him into letting me move out.... my mom gave me an amina rez2 kinda reaction, knowing baba, hey3mel feeha ma7moud el meleegi!!

i did not mean to be cruel when i said i wasn't a good enough daughter, sister, wife or mother... i know i am not because of the expectations my parents, my sisters, my x had of me... and i am afraid i'd let my kids down that way especially that i have been too stressed to be of any good to them! perhaps i could have been a better daughter to different parents, or a better sister to different siblings and a better wife to a different husband, it no longer matters to me, but it scares the crap out of me if i can't be a good mom to my monsters because i most certainly can't be a better mom to other kids... i am not a big fan of kids aslan, fa ya welady ya mafeesh :)


adam,

(whether it's your name or an alias, i love than name, i wanted to call my first born Adam but i ended up with beem)

i think being more tolerant, more understanding and more flexible is in every friend's job description... i am glad mine excel at being friends :)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Rasha.. i think friends are the ppl u deliberately choose to be like ur family , and that's why u try to be super careful not to lose them.

salamet senanek ya inso , and btw i hate the guys from the resort..kaman leehom 3een to make fun of u !!! it's a shame aslan to have bugs or stuff of the sort in this so called 5 stars.

R

Adam said...

I love it too

couldn't take up 3bd el mo3een bsra7a

insomniac said...

thanks R :)

and ur right, and so is rasha... this is why i am starting to be reconvinced that friendship is the most fulfilling kind of relationships :)


adam,

i'm glad u finally decided to pick a name and good choice :)))

OLA said...

What about a cousin-cousin relationship?:))
Take it easy my dear, mat7awleesh tekarni 3elaktek belnas beba3d! ya3ni friends r friends, sisters r sisters & parents r parents! u just go 2 each one when u need something from her/him that others can't do or even feel!!
GOD bless both; friends & family.

insomniac said...

O's :))

ya benty howa 7ad etkallem 3aleeky :)) we kaman enty 3arfa anwa3 el genan elly 3andy we 3and el ekhwa :))))

i know i shouldn't compare... bas we both know that there are things it's expected of families to do, not friends!! and the fact that some families refrain because of a list of shockingly silly reasons and justifications makes me unwillingly and unconsciously compare!!

God bless both alright... we yehdy!!