June 24, 2008
A reoccurring thought!
Due to current events, as well as the not so great previous ones, I have been contemplating and trying to figure out a few things about myself using the information newly revealed by my therapist.
Here is what I could come up with…
I know I am hard maintenance and I know I am impossible to make up when angry. I have come to realize it's partially because I usually get too hurt beyond my ability to deal or express my feelings which is due to pushing myself too hard or allowing others to do the honors.
In the past few months, after my yelling contest with mid sis, which caused some piling up until the time that followed around a week before my birthday, in addition to my incident with baby sis, as well as the couple of times I stood before that jerk of a judge and , one thought kept surfacing. A thought that had lingered quite often during my last few months with my x. I could be that horrible I could be that impossible to endure or even tolerate!
I know all my flaws, or at least most of them. I’m proud to say I have worked on quite a few; I learned how to be tolerant and accepting of others and I toned down the attitude, plus a few lessons here and there. However, the truth remains; I am such a highly charged emotional baggage that does need some serious maintenance. I don’t cry a lot like I used to, I don’t even discuss things anymore; I just build thick walls of silence and passive aggression that could erupt any second into active aggression and incoherent rampaging of words.
It’s very unlikely for me now to sit down and say things like, “this annoys me and that hurts me.” When asked, I say it actually takes me quite a long time to be bothered despite how fiery my temper might seem to be. I assure friendly strangers with whom I have casual chats that there is nothing they can say or do that would piss me off; probably because I have no expectations from them; hence, no room for being disappointed if they fail me!
It hit me that this could go the other way around as well! With strangers, we are more accepting of things we wouldn’t normally accept from the ones in our close emotional circle; it’s a well known and acknowledged fact, I remember reading posts written by fellow bloggers who said it more eloquently.
That leaves me to a conclusion; it could be a harsh one, but it does make sense in my head somehow. I am a better friend that I can be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother for that matter. As a friend, I can still be comfortable, yet I keep my boundaries as much as I preserve myself from getting hurt by not expecting more than people can offer.
I am not a high maintenance friend; I understand about the need for space and I am not curious at all; when D or H subtly imply something and I sense they don’t really wanna talk about it, I let it slide and help them around it without having to get into it, whatever it is. When they call in tears needing support or asking for advice, I instantly use my vivid imagination to put myself in their shoes as well as the shoes of the person bothering them and help them find ways to communicate, which work most of the times to my surprise!!
H constantly tells me I am her best friend and that the times she calls me and I am unavailable, she knows for a fact that I will call back regardless of my non-ending drama. D tells me nothing about how good it is being my friend, but the way she’s been there for me all through the past 14 years means a lot to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would do anything for those two ; they wouldn’t even need to ask, and I would go the extra mile to make something work, and I know for a fact they would do the same for me! Even if they don’t, I really don’t expect them to, because I actually feel their love for me, the uncondional love that I only experienced once and lost when my late nana died, Allah yer7amha.
As for other friends, they are simply great! They might not be as close because we have not yet gone through the same things that brought me that close to D & H, and our relationships may simply not last long enough until we do. Nonetheless, when it comes to friends, I do what I can to be a good friend and I strictly refrain from favors because I don’t want to raise the expectations bar. Yet when any of my friends do something extraordinary, it touches me deep inside and it is carved in my heart until after I return the favor, and I never stop thinking of ways in which I can return the favor!
But I must admit, I have miserably failed when it came to my family(ies). I always knew I was never a good enough daughter, but I thought for a while I was a good wife and a very good sister; I could be wrong after all, and it’s ok for I understand one cannot be great in all aspects.
This brings me back to my above mentioned reoccurring thought… I suck at all kinds of relationships other than friendship. I either disappointor get disappointed. I don't want to do it anymore; it’s too much work and there are no guarantees, not to mention how traumatizing it can be when things fall apart. I’ve been there and I still am and I am sore and unable to deal.