July 24, 2008

Change!


I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

15 comments:

Maat said...

I wouldn't call that change, I mean yes change does exist but this is not exactly the case here. I'd rather call that sort of "change" DEVOLPMENT. By that I mean that you are who you are deep down, but you develop certain perspectives or attitudes or whichever as a result of going through certain things! So you might look or act a little bit diffrently, but it's just an "interface" or an add up to who you are still based on who you've always been.

Didn't mean to sound too philosopical and off point :D it's just something I felt I had to say.

Adam said...

I really would like to know which movie aroused that debate :D

Adam said...

check this out!!

Would you give it a shot?
(that is a hypothetical situation of course)

insomniac said...

maat,

interface!!! you use computer jargon now!!

and btw, this is more or less what i said, i don't think that is my changing point, yet!!

:p

insomniac said...

adam,

if you must know, my friend and i were discussing There Will Be Blood, by the outstanding Daniel Day Lewis, i recommend!!

as for the link, are you kidding?? why would i do that!!! am i that sarcastic??!!!

baah, i like me the way i am, my sarcasm is how i deal, i wouldn't change it :))

rasha said...

Change is yet to come ya dearest Inso.
Now, you just hurt and get annoyed by absurdities of unfairness and not knowing rasek men regleeki.
I wish you all the best on wednesday...allah y3adeeha 3ala kheir...but most importantly we'll keep praying for a smooth change and an easy new phase.
pardon these sad hugs*...can't help my mood :(

Deeeeeee said...

My mother always says "eltab3 3'alab", and that people never change.. and I don't believe her, and since you already know how mean and harsh I am my reply is as strong as "people who can not manage to change, and can not discipline themselves enough to change, do not deserve to live as humans!"

You can't change everything at once, and you shouldn't, let say someone broke their leg and need to rest, they discovered through the x-ray processes and tests that they have weak muscles and need to work out more to be healthy. Doing both at once is impossible (you cant be resting and working out simultaneously), and starting with the wrong step (working out), might cause their leg to lose its proper functionality.. so I say change has to be well planned and well thought of...

And its okay to be scared, its the most normal emotion to feel in such a status, and as for next Wednesday, hope for the best, except the worst.. and pray a lot, wana kaman had3eelik!

hurricane_x said...

That's good topic for discussion, and too hard to discuss :)
Well...
I guess, yes..
We might change to a different person as a result of some kind of experience, and this is somehow relative!
I mean that we r not all steady as a rock deep inside. And according to the stability of our personality relative to the situation or the "critical point", that's how big the change in ur personality will be!

...ta2reeban 2el3amalya la7weset menny,...fee mawadee3 keda matefta7ehash 2odamy,...ma3alina :)

The thing is, do not think about if u r going to change or not. Let it flow.
You will make it through anyway, whether changed or same as old u.
I'm not saying: "Be prepared and make plans,...".
What I mean is think about what u wanna do next,..what u like,..what u missed and u wanna regain it.
Just make a small list, not an obligatory one!
God help u.

insomniac said...

rasha :))

i think i have reached the conclusion that agrees with you that change has not yet happened, not the kind of change i was wondering about anyways, but there has been some changes...

i don't fear change, i like it sometimes! it's my failure to adapt that i fear i guess... the mistakes i might do in the process that scare me, because in those mistakes some unplanned, and perhaps unwanted change happens!!

as worried and pessimistic as i am about wednesday, i know it's only a step and that i made the right decision when i chose that road... it's my impatience and intolerance of injustice that make me me anxious!! but i keep telling myself all will be good...

ana bas khayfa en lama all will be good, mesh hakoon ana wakhda baly and always looking for what's next like i usually do; this is what i meant by me not enjoying the peace, always waiting for what's next i overlook enjoying the good things i have going!! bad me!!

insomniac said...

deeeeeee,

u know, i am somewhere between what your mom thinks and what you think!!! i think some people don't have it in them to adapt and they prefer the safest things; hence, avoid change... and yes, sometimes beyeb2a feeh 7agat that do not change, we call it tab3 but i think they are there because whatever change was on the surface and did not get that deep to alter them!

i don't believe in sudden extreme change, not always at least!! because i think it's usually a result of a shock and that it wears off. i believe however in long-term unnoticed series of changes that take you little by little and one day when you start tracing change, you find it occurred BIG TIME...

that's what i think happened to me in a way, and it's confusing that i say that and then claim i am the same old me!! i think it's because i took my time to merge my character with that change, so it didn't feel abrupt or sudden expect when i go back to comparing some very specific things... am i making sense?

insomniac said...

hurricane,

haha, you started off too deep and i was finding it hard to keep up, we ba3d keda for some reason you said "la7weset" mennak, lol

but you are right, and that's what i kinda had in mind when i said gradual unnoticed change! it also happens when you let it flow, it's like u close your eyes and float and then open them up to find urself somewhere different from where you were! i fear opening up my eyes to find myself somewhere i don't want to be simply because i was too scared to keep my eyes opened and observe the change or stop it, basically because i did want the change... aheh la7weset khales menny ana!!

my small non obligatory list is funny, hillaious actually... and i say i will do it tomorrow every single day :-/ kaslana!

Sherif said...

Next Wednesday ..

Inshallah everything will be alright .. God bless you

Change .. yes our behavior would change and adapt as everything in life does ..

On the contrary attitude is hardly changed .. it goes deep into our culture and tradition which is not that simple .. whatever we try ..

The only way is just a compromise .. and a common ground to attain a win-win situation between you and your partner ..

Call it little sacrifice in order to keep life moving ahead and for both parties benefit .. but in fact ..we don't change ..

A calm guy will ever be that character .. and a nervous one too ..

Take care

insomniac said...

yep, tomorrow :)

ameen, and thanks... whatever it is isA i have found ways to accept it and i have plans to cheer myself up if it gets too overwhelming for me :))

i think attitude is what D's mom meant by "el tab3"... attitude changes, bas like you said "hardly"... it takes some serious change and awareness thereof to change attitude, let alone time!!

i can fairly say i have had some serious change of attitude in the past years; i used to be angry most of the time and it was reflected on my attitude towards people in more than a way... however, this sort of attitude has changed for so many reasons and in so many ways... i would list them, but it would take another post :)

i am not sure why you brought up compromise, but i don't think win-win is that attainable, not in the sense people put in front of them as goals... u see, when a couple live in harmony, it's a win-win in a sense, but depending on what either of them compromised and how willingly/unwillingly they did it, it could be a win-lose for one of them... ma3aya?

as for sacrifice, i am not big on it... this is what i think of it generally: http://obliviology.blogspot.com/2008/06/on-sacrifice.html
so i would never recommend the usage of that word in any relationship, not even a parent/offspring relationship!! yemken 3ashan lessa fel selfish phase :))

thanks for coming :)

Adam said...

Tameneena!

insomniac said...

sorry Adam for the late reply, it took me an extra day to know the verdict and it took me a few hours to gather my thoughts and put them in a post!

thanks for asking, that was nice of you