July 24, 2008
I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.
Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…
Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.
Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.
I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.
Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.
I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?