July 13, 2008

raw and unedited


i don't wanna talk to my dad or my uncle because they will give me all that crap about 7otty a3sabek fe talaga we matanfa3leesh... and i know they are right but i can't help it!!

mawgoo3a... we makhnoo2a we 3ayza a3ayat... 7ata wana 3arfa en 3eyaty da men foo2 el wesh we mesh men ay 7aga aktar men 3asabeya we katma... we 3arfa en beggad all will be ok if i hang in there but i just need to collapse for a while there and feel the fall!

his aunt is right here visiting...

it started out with subtle talk and me hinting hidden insults towards him... shoghl 3ala nar hadya like they say... i don't know when it escalated but it did... she's polite and she didn't offend me... not intentionally at least... bas kalamha ghalat... kalamha kolo lame ass justifications for someone who doesn't know the meaning or the the the weight of what he did, the life he just ruined... howa ya3ne 3ashan i am intact we mesh maksoora yeb2a khalas elly 3amalo da wala 7aga!! howa ana lazem yedakhaloony masa7a at3aleg wala a cut my wrist we a3mel shoghl hysteria 3alashan ye3rafo en feeh damage!!! yes i am freakin recovering but there has been pain and it has not yet been healed and under no circumstances will i ever be willing to pretend it never happened or accept it to be ridiculed!!!! it was pain and it was real and i was 19 and now i am 27!!!! i was a girl and now i am mother, i changed and the change came with too much pain for me to grasp even when i say i do..... what the hell is wrong with people? what the hell is wrong with people to make something so real sound so cliche!!! i wanna scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at the top of my lungs if it would make them feel a fraction of my pain, but i am too freakin proud!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"yeb2a enty ya habibty elly ma3refteesh te7afzy 3ala beetek" she says... so simply... like it’s the answer to all my questions or the justifications to all my agony!! it's me!!! i know where her words are coming from, i know it's both her sympathy towards her own blood and the fruit of a rotten society that allows and justifies more irresponsibility from a man than a woman... she says motherhood is an instinct, and fatherhood is practice.... NO, IT'S NOT!!! it's not.... I can’t agree to that?? when did guys I know practice fatherhood when they first held their babies in their arms!!! when did my father practice any of it when he spent most of my childhood in oil fields, and when he wasn't, he came too late long after i had slept!!! "el regala elly 3andokom homa ellly mesh abahat" i replied with hate "i know ppl my father's age, my uncles' age and my age who are capable of being good fathers by instinct" and i left to my room.

ok, the mood has instantly changed when i got out of my body and watched how emotional i was... when i saw my baby sister met3asaba fe makany and my other sister and i in the room listening to the same anger I was conveying until we burst with laughter...

bas khalas!

2 comments:

she said...

This is one raw post alright...but i like that.
I think it's a huge moseeba that men aren't capable of being FATHERS these days...i totally believe that ths time and age are the women ERA...we keep improving and men are becoming more lame everyday.
I have to ask you to please note here that i'm not pro equal male/female crap!
we're equal when we are and when we're not i'd like to keep things this way...enaho aleftera albashary elly beybawaz eldonia.
relatives from both parties tend to use templates with limited colors and zero font choice at these circumstances...
can't wait till u blog about how people turned around after divorce and cursed his gutts..even his own!

massive hugs*

insomniac said...

shoushou :) (3ashan i know how you feel about she;))

about the Women Era theory, i was just talking to a person who studies and teaches societies and how they interact for a living and he said something very interesting when we discussed how men are allowed more crap in our society based on assumptions like "it's men's nature to behave that way" and similar phrases... it's actually a good post material... he said that such phrases makes excuses for "men" to live up to such expectations of no participation whatsoever from their end and automatically kills any sort of evolving... i am so writing that post lama affawa2!

i am not a a pro men-and-women are the same... i think men and women are only equal as humans... bas they have different roles; otherwise kan rabena khala2na kolena regala aw kolena settat! that's another convo i had with my afore mentioned friend!!!

hahaha, no his family would never turn against him... for so many reasons, they are big DENIAL practice-rs, they practice it better than religion actually... moreover, they think i am a (insert all sorts of sheteema really) who does not appreciate the Godsend which he is... yeshrabooh, we el 7elw 3alaya ;)

as for people turning around from my side, they have... bas lessa be adab, can't wait for ellet el adab ba2a :))) naaa, my family is too polite that way, 3ashan my kids and all :))

hugs hugs hugs :)))