July 13, 2008
raw and unedited
i don't wanna talk to my dad or my uncle because they will give me all that crap about 7otty a3sabek fe talaga we matanfa3leesh... and i know they are right but i can't help it!!
mawgoo3a... we makhnoo2a we 3ayza a3ayat... 7ata wana 3arfa en 3eyaty da men foo2 el wesh we mesh men ay 7aga aktar men 3asabeya we katma... we 3arfa en beggad all will be ok if i hang in there but i just need to collapse for a while there and feel the fall!
his aunt is right here visiting...
it started out with subtle talk and me hinting hidden insults towards him... shoghl 3ala nar hadya like they say... i don't know when it escalated but it did... she's polite and she didn't offend me... not intentionally at least... bas kalamha ghalat... kalamha kolo lame ass justifications for someone who doesn't know the meaning or the the the weight of what he did, the life he just ruined... howa ya3ne 3ashan i am intact we mesh maksoora yeb2a khalas elly 3amalo da wala 7aga!! howa ana lazem yedakhaloony masa7a at3aleg wala a cut my wrist we a3mel shoghl hysteria 3alashan ye3rafo en feeh damage!!! yes i am freakin recovering but there has been pain and it has not yet been healed and under no circumstances will i ever be willing to pretend it never happened or accept it to be ridiculed!!!! it was pain and it was real and i was 19 and now i am 27!!!! i was a girl and now i am mother, i changed and the change came with too much pain for me to grasp even when i say i do..... what the hell is wrong with people? what the hell is wrong with people to make something so real sound so cliche!!! i wanna scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at the top of my lungs if it would make them feel a fraction of my pain, but i am too freakin proud!!
"yeb2a enty ya habibty elly ma3refteesh te7afzy 3ala beetek" she says... so simply... like it’s the answer to all my questions or the justifications to all my agony!! it's me!!! i know where her words are coming from, i know it's both her sympathy towards her own blood and the fruit of a rotten society that allows and justifies more irresponsibility from a man than a woman... she says motherhood is an instinct, and fatherhood is practice.... NO, IT'S NOT!!! it's not.... I can’t agree to that?? when did guys I know practice fatherhood when they first held their babies in their arms!!! when did my father practice any of it when he spent most of my childhood in oil fields, and when he wasn't, he came too late long after i had slept!!! "el regala elly 3andokom homa ellly mesh abahat" i replied with hate "i know ppl my father's age, my uncles' age and my age who are capable of being good fathers by instinct" and i left to my room.
ok, the mood has instantly changed when i got out of my body and watched how emotional i was... when i saw my baby sister met3asaba fe makany and my other sister and i in the room listening to the same anger I was conveying until we burst with laughter...