A dream-induced nostalgia!

Days ago, I had a dream, a strange one…

I was in the art therapy studio, knowing that Dr. M had passed away, I don’t exactly remember if there were other people, but I was very close to the wall that had his self portraits and none of them was there!

I kept touching the bare walls as I fought to hold back my tears… I wanted to cry so badly…

I woke up feeling extremely down and depressed…

The same day I visited an old friend from my previous job at her home… she had a big portrait of our late boss S, the one I loved and respected.

I kept staring at the old photo with her skin revealing that it was taken when she was younger than when I’ve known her… and I forced the words to come to my mouth “Allah yer7amek ya S” then I paused and said “wa7shany awy!”

Today, I was in downtown running a government related errand. While waiting for the driver to pick me up, I decided to walk around; I was in my sneakers and the weather was nice. I kept walking from one random street to the other until I stopped to read the name of the street - “شارع شمبليون”… I stopped, looked across the street to the far extension on its other side and realized that I was a few blocks away from the Art Therapy Center. I stood there for a while as if I was lost, my eyes had tears and my heart felt heavy, then I said “Allah yer7amak ya Dr. M” and got on the sidewalk and continued walking towards Tahrir Square.

Other than that, I had a good day. Alhamdulilah.

I was off to bed, and I suddenly remembered all that and had the strong urge to write about it, so there!

A reoccurring dream…

A long day at the pool with my boys, followed by post pool exhaustion and an unusual earache!

I walked somewhere, and I saw him; his kind face and his peaceful aura…

“But you’re dead!!” I thought…

He smiled and said nothing…

“How come you’re dead, and yet I keep seeing you alive and well… like you’re always there, like your death was a bad dream!” I kept wondering…

He smiled even more and told me in his calmest tone of voice “I never really left, I will always be here, and you’ll always know where to find me”

I walked towards him to touch his hand, and before I knew it, I felt my Mocha climbing next to me in bed and laying in my arm…

I woke up to see the nanny putting Beem in bed and mumbled something to her before I hugged Mocha.

I closed my eyes again…

Then I opened them wide; I had just realized that it was a dream!

I don’t know if it’s the first time I have it, or if I had already done a couple of times, but it felt so familiar!

I felt peace… They say it's a good sign to dream of dead ones looking so good!

And I said a prayer for him.

A Quick Reflection…

Yesterday, I decided to go to bed really early since I have one hell of a busy week ahead of me. I normally don’t have any before-bedtime rituals, but for some reason I lingered in front of my dresser.

Something about my messy curls made me decided to take a longer look and fix my hair. Untying my hair band I didn’t feel like brushing the curls loose, so I just fixed it with my hand and kept observing my face.

I looked different… I admit I had a glow about me, a glow I haven’t seen in such a long time!

For the first time in years, I looked at my face and felt pretty! I liked how almost round my face looked although round is not how anyone would describe my face. I liked how especially pink my cheeks were even though I blush as a reflex action to happiness, anger, excitement, heat, embarrassment, and you name it! Most of all, I liked how bright and shiny my eyes were.

Yes, despite all the inconveniences and my childish reaction towards them, I had it in me to be happy!

I washed my face, prayed, and jumped into bed.

Although my body was beat, my spirit was rather too high for me to fall asleep right away.

Without noticing, I found myself daydreaming… and that was when it hit me! I don’t even remember the last time I daydreamed!!! ME! I usually daydream 3ala roo7y!! That was when I realized that I have been swallowed up in all the stress, anxiety and drama to the extent that my subconscious gave up on daydreaming and crippled my imagination.

A big smile made its way to my face, visions of people and places kept flowing through my mind so smoothly; millions of happy scenarios and millions of imaginary possibilities that somehow made my spirit calm as if some invisible arms were holding me safe. And before I knew it, I was sound asleep, no insomnia!

I can hear my cynical self telling me I am digging my own grave with all those dreams; building up expectations and hopes over things that I can’t control! Who cares, I am happy for now, and as for my daydreams, nothing is carved on stone here.

Allahuma eg3aloh kheir…

I went to bed after midnight.

I woke up somewhere before salat el fagr because my face was itching me like hell to find that one of my babies left some candy wrapper on the pillow and it was driving my skin crazy. I washed my face with cold water and made a mental note to pray if I stay up until I hear the azan.

I didn’t wake up, at least not until I had that dream. Part of that dream had to do with my company having an exhibition next week and that we will start working on related arrangements starting the weekend.



I walk into the office to find a florist whom I have never seen before giving the driver and the office boy instructions on how to help him with the flower arrangements they were preparing for an after-exhibition gathering at out premises.

I see beautiful white cala lilies (you know the ones with yellowish insides) and he was telling them they look great with vanilla flowers (pale yellow, and extremely beautiful, I never knew vanilla flowers were involved in such flower arrangements!!)

So I stand there completely overwhelmed at the sight of those beautiful flowers and I keep trying to inhale all their aromas and savor them in my nostrils.

I ask the office boy to make my office arrangements with those, and he tells me alright and asks me to check the other kinds of flowers they left in my office.

I walk in to find three beautiful flower pots which had not yet been mixed or arranged; one containing orchids (ORCHIDS!!!) and the other two containing some sorts of exotic flowers, the really colorful kind!

That when I lean forward towards the flower as if to hug them (I actually do that with flowers in real life) and keep sniffing them so happily.



Ahem, I woke up with one side of my nostrils blocked, but I had one big dumb smile on my face. It was already around 6:30. I could see the sunlight coming through the window but I was too lazy to move, so I just turned on my other side and continued sleeping while murmuring “alhamdulilah”.

My kids woke up in a good mood today. I prayed, wore a purple top and my charm pendant! Later I remembered what Dr. Magdi said about the Color purple and how it signifies spirituality! Anyway… I want to remain that positive, I need it, especially that today is the birthday party the nursery is throwing my Mocha.

Oh oh, and my feel good song played in the car and I kept singing and teaching my Beem the lyrics. It was Robbie Williams’ Beyond the Sea... I wanted to leave you with the version performed by Kevin Spacey since it definitely puts a smile on my face, but since I couldn't, the one by Robbie Williams will do, I like its music more!

I'm in Love!

I don’t know what it is that’s gotten to me; but I know for sure it’s not the cheap valentine crap. This song speaks to the romantic in me, everything in it; the lyrics, the music and I am just taken by Andrea’s singing and his tender voice. It’s like I’m in another world, made of nothing but clouds and floating musical notes, only for me! Enjoy…

Bésame Mucho*

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Quiero tenerte muy cerca
Mirarme en tus ojos
Verte junto a mi
Piensa que tal ves mañana
Yo ya estaré lejos
Muy lejos de ti

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después

*Lyrics and Translation

You know you’re mentally disturbed when…

… you have a not so good a dream that you wake up around the time you were supposed to, only to sleep an EXTRA hour to dream a better dream so that you could go to work in a better mood!!

That’s what I did today!!

It was a dream about my x that involved too much anger and yelling form my end. The dream was more of a repetition of scenes that happened a million times in real life, only they were happening right now!!

He came to apologize, said he was sorry and that he regretted all of it and that he was no longer talking to her. However this time, all he wanted was for us was to be friends and to keep a the door of us not strictly shut like I keep saying. I didn’t even agree to that in my dream (this is what I mean by strictly shut). That was when I found out it was yet another lie and she called me herself to rub it in or something!! Funny thing, I could see that scene like I was watching rather than living it!! I could see myself jumping up and down while yelling at her on the phone and standing in the same place he was, weighing the consequences of hitting him so hard until I lose consciousness in my hand and arm!!

Boy do I have too much unresolved anger; I want it out people!!!

P.S. Thank you very much dear friend for mentioning him to me right before I went off to bed!! Like I needed that!!

My Favorite Things

Close enough to craziness...

I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?

Coming to think of it, it wasn’t that bad!!

I was just commenting on RR’s about dreams where we lose teeth. Funny thing, I had another one last night!!

I dreamed I was driving, fast, on a highway; everyone around me was, until everyone suddenly stopped. I stopped too; only accidents seemed to happen all around! So I was lying there in my car trying to figure out if I was badly hurt or not when that man came, grabbed me and punched me in the face!! He practically punched my two frontal teeth out!!

There was no pain whatsoever, not even blood; just the state of shock and disbelief when someone hits you that way. Everything disappeared then, except for my best friend showing later and I was holding both of my teeth and looking at them sadly while telling her what happened. Random thing though, both of the teeth were like glued to one another, as if they were one big ugly tooth!!

Anyway, as I was telling a friend about my dream, I realized that the last time I had a dream where I lost teeth was the first night I spent at my parents’ upon being released from the hospital, 3 days after giving birth to Mocha. It was a bit different though.

The same frontal teeth were hurting like hell, I wouldn’t leave them alone or ignore them; instead I kept moving my tongue around them until they came off causing too much bleeding and even much more pain. I cried and I cried because of the pain, the more I saw blood, the more I cried, I remember waking up later to find tears on my pillow!

Anyway, everything also disappeared and I saw that kid, 6 years old, or the age where they start losing teeth for new ones to grow, he smiled at me and said I needn’t worry and that my teeth will grow back. I felt even worse as I told him that his would grow while mine wouldn’t because they were the ones to keep and that I was too old.

Remembering my dream from almost a year ago made me realize that it was the same two frontal teeth. All the other times I dreamed about losing teeth, it was either a canine or a molar; that time and yesterday’s have been about the same pair of teeth.

Last year, I lost a husband; not that I think he was any sort of loss, losing a person does not necessarily mean they were worth keeping. However, having someone no longer in your life can some how count for loss; the good kind of loss in my case. But it was painful, extremely painful, and I dare say it consumed me for a long time. الحمد للـــه .

Could this dream be about the x too? Could the punching be a metaphor for the fight and struggle for the divorce? Could the teeth being finally punched out be my divorce, only without the pain and the bleeding? يــا رب.

Coming to think of it that way, I don’t think it was that disturbing. Not disturbing at all. I like to hear other iterpretations if there is any though :)