July 31, 2008

Undivorced!!*

*(Although Microsoft Word Processor objected to this word, apparently it exists as per the Egyptian way of applying religion and law)

Due to a bureaucratic stupidity, I had to wait an extra day to get the ruling on my divorce case since the verdict was sent to Zananeery Court instead of Abdeen Court along with other verdicts! *ahem*typical*ahem*

In short and simple words, away from the unnecessary legal jargon, his ta3a request was rejected and so was my divorce request.

I won’t talk about my anxiety over the anticipation and how it would have been much worse if it hadn’t been for yesterday’s outing (thanks girl ;)). I won’t whine about the verdict because I promised myself I wouldn’t; I know other people out there have it much worse and that I should be grateful, and I am, despite the disappointment and frustration for which I was prepared.

This is my general wondering though, even as I know that I am probably not the first or the only who had given that matter a thought!

What is the purpose of the verdict? I mean saying it out loud (or typing it for that matter) “el ta3a wel tala2, el etneen etrafado!” does not make any sense! If the honorable judge does not think I have legitimate grounds for requesting a divorce since to him no harm has been inflicted on me, then why did he refuse the ta3a my x requested???? And if he believed that the ta3a request could not be approved and that it was malicious because my x sated that beet el ta3a is in a rural area, which is not where we used to live, then why on earth did he not approve of the divorce?? What is the purpose of the verdict?

I find it hard to grasp for the judge basically rejected the continuity of the marriage even though he rejected its ending! I find that absurd because it leaves me (and any other woman in my shoes for that matter) in an unidentified status. It suspends the marriage, which is not approved or acknowledged by religion (not shar3y!)

I don’t get how the judge, the very same judge who ordered my x to pay alimony through court believes that this is a solid marriage that lacks reasons for termination! Who is he trying to fool?? And more importantly where does that lead??

I know khol3 is an option, and I am seriously weighing it despite how unfair it would be for me because I think my case qualifies for a divorce since harm has been inflicted on me, men el na7ya el adabeya like my dad refers to it. But what about before khol3? How do people in my place react and what was expected of them?


I know of marriages that took up to ten years to end just because the husband did not want to give his wife the freedom in fear she would remarry! Is that fair? Is that right? Is that 7alal? And that was a man whom I can fairly call a dedicated father who did not remarry either during his suspended marriage or after, not such an ignorant prick like my x who wouldn’t mind remarrying right now just to spite me!

I wish I could address the judge or whoever in charge of such ridiculous insensible laws that have no regard whatsoever for humanity! I wish I could talk to the judge and explain to him my point of view although I have serious doubts he would listen, let alone understand!

I think I should state out of fairness that I have no personal agenda against the judge, or his integrity for that matter. I don’t believe he had been bought, I do however belief that he had allowed his own prejudices to affect how he thinks in terms of my case as well as any other. I know he must have seen a million other cases that would make him cynical and bitter, cases that would make me sound like a spoilt brat who does not appreciate the bliss she has. I have seen and heard of some that made me feel the same way about myself. But he is a judge, he represents a lot more than his personal opinions, or at least he should, I think it’s his job requirement, and I think he had failed at that.


He comes from a rural masculine background himself that denies women the right of free will; moreover, pins it on religion! He thinks women have no rights further than having their basic needs fulfilled, and from a very limited perspective; not even like a pet, more like a domestic animal. He thinks one should keep a wife for physical purposes away from sin, reproducing, cooking and cleaning; the same way one would keep a cow for milk and meat, but before that for offsprings that would continue providing the same afterwards.

I am sorry if my analogy is rather cruel or inaccurate, but it’s how humiliated it felt after having to deal with him. I don’t mean to trash him or even imply that he’s a bad person; he’s simply a simple man who was raised with the conviction that the traditions he inherited are as holy as the religion he strongly believes in without true understanding. That doesn’t make him a bad person in my book, but it does make him an ignorant one. And for that, I blame the system that put such an ignorant person in this place just because he has integrity; for what good is integrity if the beliefs of its owner are that tainted!!

I wish I could speak my mind to someone in charge, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference because as frustrated as I am right now, I am aware that other people have to deal with what’s worse in more severe ways.

The thought of knowing that I ache -although I have a roof over my head and I can earn good living that fulfills most of my needs as well as my kids’- troubles me because it comes with the realization that there are other people out there who are going through the same, if not worse, yet do not have a home or even a half decent lifestyle. The word “lifestyle” itself may be something other people just can’t afford!

It makes me too embarrassed to wallow and whine; it makes me force myself to be ok because I know I would seem lucky and blessed compared to other people!

Therefore, instead of whining, I ask whoever stops by and reads this to advise if there is anything I could do or anyone I could approach; I want to channel my discontent through something proactive because I promised myself I won’t surrender to self pity.

So dear reader, your advice will be appreciated.

16 comments:

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello My Dear
I don’t really know how to start; this is one of the occasions where I feel helpless as I can’t change the facts. I can’t change the fact that the legal system in Egypt sucks. It does because the verdict acknowledged that you husband has no right to call you into “ta3a” ya3ny mn el akhier leeky 7a2 enek tesebeeh and in the same time declining your request for divorce.
I might start by giving the judge the merit of goodwill; I will assume that he is someone who is just doing his job at his best and his job to judge by the law. In this case, I find the law guilty of this verdict. The Egyptian law is guilty of being indecisive in the time the primary function of a law is to decide. But then I can’t keep the assumption of the judge’s goodwill. Because I know that there is no judge in Egypt that will really do his best and judge by law. Not only because being human or because of the social background but because el fasad fi masr fi kol 7eta. That very judge geh mnien? The judge who dared enoh ye2ool en el 3abara 3’ere2t we mafeesh motahameen geh mnien? Geh mn kolyet el 7o2oo2, be 50% fi el thanawya el 3ama then wasta we kosa or fi a7yan aktar rashwa we la2a nafsoh fi neyaba. Et3alem el baltaga 3ala osolha we 3eref en el kanoon el 7a2ee2y mesh elly darasoh fi el gam3a, wen el kanoon el 7a2ee2y maloosh 3elka bel 7a2 wel 7abshtakanat di. El kanoon el 7ae2ee2y howa el ganeb el akwa. Whether ba2a en el ganeb el akwa dah ragel baltagy howa shayef enoh mn 7a2o2oh yeheen meratoh le2n el setat matgeesh 3’ier bel zol or 3odow magles sha3b fased ye2tel elly ye2teloh we yetla3 baree2.
Begad ana mesh 3arfa a2olek eh.
I will pray for you.

Leaflet said...

shoot the husband!!

hmm..

Nora said...

Ouch!
I am sorry babe.

Hope you are ok...

insomniac said...

shimaa,

thanks for your suppport, really :)) i would like to clarify something, "my judge" is not that kind of judge... in fact, he's a very simple man, makansh et7adaf fe ma7kamet el osra! apparently de 3eqab la2en mafehash la rashawy wala sabbobat zay gherha!!

thanks for the prayers hun :))


leafa,

would you do it if i get you a gun?


Nora,

i am ok alhamdulilah babe... it will end when it's time isA :))

Dr.invisible said...

What the hell is wrong wiz the Egyptian court !!

Y3ni ih undivorced we mafish ta3a y3ni ybka 7al 3la ma howa 3leeh !!

I know that u anticipated the rule and I wont say it is fair or unfair coz it is nothing I guess..

Keep holding on that is all i can say :)

(Bara el mawdo3: I like ur new avatar despite that the old one was a trademark )

Adam said...

I've spent the last 2 hours trying to compose a reply (I still haven't checked my fucking email yet!!)and this is the best I have...for now.

YouTube!
Key search word: Dane Cook
Click on any (and I mean ANY!) video... I dare you it wouldn't make you laugh.

Did you know that:
In Hong Kong, adulterous husbands get more than a steep monthly alimony payment – a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her husband if he cheats on her – but she may only do so with her bare hands.
source
Fair enough!!

w quote kda 3al mashy =)
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Actually I have no suggestions on how to keep yourself occupied. I know that you should do so, but no idea how!

Anonymous said...

Dear inso ,

I don't know why , but i feel the judge announced this strange verdict as in " almosawah fel zolm 3adl" ...or maybe he wanted to give u more time to think it over and give ur marriage a chance away from him to think alone and reach the decision 3an eqtena3 rather than being forced to live with him...

Is it possible to raise another divorce case?? if not and u really want to end this marriage , then there's no other option than 7'ol3 :S

dear , don't feel sad , it's all for the best in the end , u never know ....my advice is always stay positive and hope for the best , there's the 7adeeth qodsy :

" أنا عند ظن عبدي بي ،فليظن بي ما شاء"

and 7adeeth for our prohet PBUH :

" تفاءلوا خيرًا تجدوه"

:)

R

insomniac said...

dr. inviible,

thank you sweets :)) and yeah magatsh 3al qada2 fe masr, mahy kharbana all over!!

i miss my old one, bas i needed the change... and well, i think this one tells more about who i am!! glad you liked it ;))


adam,

i will check the utube when i am back since i am getting ready to go out with a friend...

this is how i distract myself, go out! it's even better when i am out with friends and it's keeping me from wallowing to myself!

the quote- in this country something is wrong with you if ur divorced as well!!

the piece of info- i wouldn't be able to kill him with my bear hands!! howa addy mareteen and i am not that physically strong... ya3ne 7atta law fe Hong Kong mesh ha3raf akhod 7a2y :))


R :))

i thought of what you said as the reason the judge would have made that ruling... but here is the thing, i've been separated for a year now! ya3ne even if we lived in the states where in some states you need to separate for at least 6 months b4 u file for divorce, well, i've done my part!! being separated for that long and not getting a divorce is even wrong shar3an, and any person with an average religious sense would get it!! bas like i illustrated, his beliefs are quite distorted when it comes to gender rights!!

i can file for an appeal, but i know that usually appeals are more of a waste of time since judges barely like opposing with their colleagues...

i am not sad, it's just disappointment and frustration that i am capable of handling alhamdulilah and seriously, my friends have been great about it :))

and alhamdulilah, i have a strong belieef that rabena haygebly 7a2y and that all will be well, so it helps :)) thanks for the support :)))

rasha said...

Sorry I wasn't around for you, I was switched off!

bossy, all men hate being makhloo3een...so try to reason and give away ur rights la2an keda keda 7atetnazly 3anha fe moqabel a sooner tala2.

never compromize kids rights though...just wave away ur financial rights and he'll drool.

but there's a way to do that dear.
Don't file for khol3.
File for a regular divorce again - keda oo keda -
Spreed the word that ur gonna get nasty this time as decency didn't pay off.
then make someone tell him you would wave away ur rights la2an keda keda momken tekhla3eeh law elregular case manef3etsh.
I believe he will take the money and divorce...7aye7sebha!

Hugs* gedan...
I feel you.

hurricane_x said...

Well,...
This is what I did not expect!!
I guess u in a better situation now, at least better than ur husband's. U can support urslf and ur kids, he still can't get u back home, and I guess he'll be more uncomfortable with the situation than u "since he wants to move on either ways driven by selfish needs".
I know u wanna have a closure since u've been hurt and emotionally abused,...
It'll come 2ensha2 Allah, and till then u have a higher purpose "urslf and ur kids". Give them what they deserve till u determine ur next move.
...
mmm, I suck in advice,...
sorry :/

insomniac said...

Rasha,

honey, i just read about your "switching off"!! r u ok??? i really hope ur doing better today!

i agree with all that you said, i just have to do it under the supervision of both my dad and my lawyer, and i currently don't feel like talking to either one about any of that... i've been having a constant headache since wednesday and talking about this makes it worse apparently!

*hugs hugs...

insomniac said...

hurricane,

how come you did not expect that?! i can fairly say everyone saw it coming; hence the "mat3esheesh el tagroba" advice!!

i don't think my situation is any better than his... u based that assumption on the thought that he wanted me home, he doesn't want me back, he just wants me to beg for a divorce or at least compromise for one, he's a cheap jerk that way! and this is what's pissing me off about the verdict, that it was very obvious that the judge did not see him as a good husband who deserved to have his wife back, yet it was ok to keep me that way... mo3alaqa, like it's an acceptable status... i think if that is acceptable, then perhaps it should be added to marital statuses, single, married, mo3alaq, divorced... oh wait, a man can't be mo3alaq, it's more of a gender biased term, only for women, yaaay us!!!

i'm sorry, the whole thing infuriates me... i've been trying to pretend like i wasn't angry about it, but i guess i am after all!!!

the one thing that makes me feel better is the certainty that it's gonna go bite him in the a** one day... and i hope it does and i would like to sit back and watch!

u don't suck at advice :) and elly met3asaba way too much to take any!! thanks anyway :))))

LouLou said...

Wow. I thought ta3a only existed in Egyptian movies!

Frankly I don't trust myself to comment on the concept so I will hold my peace.

I wish YOU peace and strength.

insomniac said...

loulou...

asking people to comment about the concept of ta3a nicely is just crazy :) it's a sick sick sick concept, developed by some seriously screwed people and practiced by even more screwed people....

i think the ta3a concept is an egyptian invention (if anyone knows otherwise, please correct me and restore my long lost faith in the Egyptian society)... i think it's amazing that such a horrible concept is legit to begin with!!

3amar ya masr!

jessyz said...

I feel so angry and frustrated for you.
E7tasebi, at leas that way leeki agr 3and Allah.
Have you tried hiring baltageya and giving him a difficult time? That's so mean I know. But I really can't understand why a man would refuse to divorce his wife if she so obviously wants to leave him. There is no dignity or decency in that. You are definitely in my prayers.

insomniac said...

sorry for the late reply jess, and welcome to my frustration-inducing blog :))

i really think that no one is capable of punishing him gheer Rabena... and i really believe he will get his share on time isA...

the baltageya thought is tempting, but i am simply incapable of inflicting harm... i wouldn't let him or anyone else for that matter change that in me... at least after i finally realized that it's not such a bad thing :)

he lacks dignity and decency, he only has big sized sick ego!

keep coming :) oh and i love your blog :)