June 13, 2008

Close enough to craziness...


I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

you need to do something about this tiredness...
& I'm not talking about getting purple highlights.
you Reeeeeeeeeally a getaway....a temporary escape from all this madness... a huge indulgence, something to make you feel alive again.

because people can go on being tired for 20 years or more. It sticks. It intensifies. and it is toxic.

Anonymous said...

seems like i forgot to put a verb between Reeeeeeeeeally and getaway
Yalla a riddle for today: guess what it was.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Hello Dear
I have no clear solutions for your tiredness.
But I have a cheering thought, today I was having a discussion with a friend of mine whose parents were divorced since he was 4 or somthing. He started it. He asked why everyone thinks divorce is bad and claim it is bad for the kids in the time he and his brother has grown up into two fine men.
Isa your beem and mocha will grow up into a better men than this friend and his brother.
So, if you are to be tired keep the future of the kids off ur list. It is the least to worry about isa.

I wish I could help :(

insomniac said...

anon,

i agree, i could reeeeelly use a getaway but it's not as easy as it's said!!

tayeb now that i solved the riddle of the day, what do i get in return???


shimaa,

i wish my kids turn out unaffected by any of those unfortunate events around them, but i don't see it happening when i am on the edge that way!

you can help, ed3eely :) isA i will get a break soon enough!

Anonymous said...

You can start by not thinking way too much about the future... i know raising kids is not an easy job, but they give u hope and a reason to live for , invest in them , watch them grow , u'll feel u achieved smthg , they'll be the shoulder to lean on ,the smile u'll ever need to go on in ur life.

Take it easy ya Insomniac , isA it'll be ok :).

Love,
R

she said...

OK, there are too major points:
*natural phase of exactly what you're going through...emptiness, worries of a pending situation, fear of tomorrow and the most annoying of all is people areound u...in fact very very close people hurting u with comments, looks and judgments and having no IDEA what kind of painful thought jam in ur head!

*Any attempt to loosen up and give urself a needed break is faced with massive attacks from others and from YOU to tell you what you already know...You're a MOTHER.
That's why you referred to it as: they need a mother not THIS!

Well, dear dear Inso, first point is a thorn in the butt...but, the good news it's gona VANISH when the pending situation ends because people - please pardon me- keep nagging and hurting during this phase cause they have a dellusional hope you will give in and change ur mind which will benefit them from worrying and having an awkward position...tab3an 7at2oleeli oo homa mal aboohom 7a2olek...that's the way it is...and mark my word, when it all ends...ma fe 7ad feehom ela oo 7ayel3an abo elly gaboh and u'll remember the way they used to give u a hard time and laugh about how ironic life is.

second point: KNOW THIS:
You are a MOTHER...tired?: a MOTHER
WANTING TO HAVE FUN? : a MOTHER
drained and can't do much for them? bardo MOTHER...and don't let anyone tell you other wise!
They will have you much relaxed and fine when YOUR fine...at this point you need to collect you and heal YOU to be able to give them and you will and better than you can ever think you'll be.

at last ( I know it's so long a comment bas ma3lesh)
Don't let anyone judge you...you can be harder on yourself than anyone else...
And time will handle all the silliness, bitterness and pain.

Life won't be heaven...but it'll be ok.

Warmest hugs ever*

the crazy jogger said...

sigh
i love this post.
for all the crap tht has been [or had been] going on .. i could use this :D
thank you

insomniac said...

R,

the way you describe the future makes me willing to think about it that way :) my problem is being stuck on the bad things that keep happening now and wondering if they will remain, and if they will eventually fade, how long will it take?!

insomniac said...

She :)*hugging back ;)*

i don't mind point no. 1 much... people can speak nicely of him or trash him for all i care; what matters to me is that i am no longer with him, kefayany araf!

it's mostly no. 2! people keep telling me that i am young and that i will eventually remarry and stuff... then when i show signs of needing some space or a few peaceful hours of sleep, they accuse me of being selfish... and by people i mean my immediate family...

it's frustrating! i do need some space, i don't need to hear meaningless lables or big words like weladek masakeen and such, it gets on my nerves, especially that i don't want my kids to ever understand those words and start perceiving themselves as victims!!

i completely understand i should spend time with them... but when i spend time with them wana makhnoo2a we mesh nayma we morhaqa beyeb2a 3adamy a7san la2eny bab2a 3asabeya we mesh tay2a nafsy!! sometimes a long ride or a meaningless chat with a friend helps.... but noooo, i am not entitled to any of it because i am a mother...

it's funny how everyone makes it sound like a punishment!! even when it comes to my x!! i hear phrases like, khaleeh ye7es be mas2oleyethom shayeleeh el hamm!!! welady mesh hamm, they are great and amazing, ana elly ta3bana we me7taga asteraya7 3ashan 2a2dar araya7hom...

funny how i stopped explaining that to any of my family, i just lose my temper and sit in my room staring at my monitor and try to figure out passive aggressive ways to show them how mad i am at them... it's even more tiring!!

well wish me luck, i am trying to figure out ways to let them in on my thoughts without snapping or storming out of the room... it's taking a while to gather my thoughts!!

insomniac said...

crazy jogger,

THANK YOU...

good luck with everything :)

Anonymous said...

you get a *Drums please* Smile!!

watch out for the next riddle. A bigger prize next time :)

insomniac said...

can't wait!