Now here is what I really wanna do, FLOAT. I don’t even wanna learn how to swim!
As a child, my dad banished me in Alexandria for a whole summer where I went every day to the club to learn how to swim, and I just never did. I was too stubborn for my trainer to learn something I was forced to stay in Alex for. I still don’t get why I had to stay in Alex for that; my dad said that he wouldn’t trust anyone but that guy to teach me because he was one of his best friend’s son and would take good care of me; moreover, he won medals and stuff. Whatever!
The guy was really nice and friendly as far as I remember, but his friendliness and medals did not help. I never trusted him or my floating board enough to relax and let go; I would ruin my balance by doing no so subtle movements as an attempt to take control of things, it always resulted in me struggling to not sink, ALWAYS!! My trainer eventually gave up and sent me home with a note that read something like “stones are not meant to even float, we de ras.ha anshaf men el 7agar”, and that was it!! My dad had officially given up on me being a fish like him; yeah I have Alexandrian genes and I don’t know how to swim daddy, get over it.
I think that’s what’s wrong with me. OK, one of the things that are wrong with me, except that it’s been getting really annoying lately, unlike the things that are wrong with me and I actually like. Stop babbling! So I was saying, I am stubborn, too stubborn. I like being stubborn, but when I am too stubborn to be able to let go and trust other things, things I have no control over and probably will never do, it’s just scary.
I had that conversation with a friend around a month ago and I was defending my logic when I heard myself say “when I get on your nerves just remember, I don’t know how to swim, I tried and I just couldn’t relax and let go enough to even float!”. That was when it hit me, my mind is incapable of letting go to a dangerous extent, and it has been going on since I was six that the poor swimming trainer had given up on me!
I think I overcompensate by having short attention span and losing interest too quickly. Nonetheless, I know there are things that keep haunting my thoughts until I find my own way of resolving them, and when I don’t, well, I start wearing out my brain cells with over thinking. An extremist, why am I not even surprised?
Damn it, I just wanna float, in every sense of the word.