April 9, 2008

I know I can’t fly!

I always wanted to fly; something about the clean fresh air up there brushing against my face, the speed, the feeling of freedom. I just know I would have loved it enough to get over my stupid acrophobia. But I can’t fly, I know that, and I also know I cannot be trusted with speed.

Now here is what I really wanna do, FLOAT. I don’t even wanna learn how to swim!

As a child, my dad banished me in Alexandria for a whole summer where I went every day to the club to learn how to swim, and I just never did. I was too stubborn for my trainer to learn something I was forced to stay in Alex for. I still don’t get why I had to stay in Alex for that; my dad said that he wouldn’t trust anyone but that guy to teach me because he was one of his best friend’s son and would take good care of me; moreover, he won medals and stuff. Whatever!

The guy was really nice and friendly as far as I remember, but his friendliness and medals did not help. I never trusted him or my floating board enough to relax and let go; I would ruin my balance by doing no so subtle movements as an attempt to take control of things, it always resulted in me struggling to not sink, ALWAYS!! My trainer eventually gave up and sent me home with a note that read something like “stones are not meant to even float, we de ras.ha anshaf men el 7agar”, and that was it!! My dad had officially given up on me being a fish like him; yeah I have Alexandrian genes and I don’t know how to swim daddy, get over it.

I think that’s what’s wrong with me. OK, one of the things that are wrong with me, except that it’s been getting really annoying lately, unlike the things that are wrong with me and I actually like. Stop babbling! So I was saying, I am stubborn, too stubborn. I like being stubborn, but when I am too stubborn to be able to let go and trust other things, things I have no control over and probably will never do, it’s just scary.

I had that conversation with a friend around a month ago and I was defending my logic when I heard myself say “when I get on your nerves just remember, I don’t know how to swim, I tried and I just couldn’t relax and let go enough to even float!”. That was when it hit me, my mind is incapable of letting go to a dangerous extent, and it has been going on since I was six that the poor swimming trainer had given up on me!

I think I overcompensate by having short attention span and losing interest too quickly. Nonetheless, I know there are things that keep haunting my thoughts until I find my own way of resolving them, and when I don’t, well, I start wearing out my brain cells with over thinking. An extremist, why am I not even surprised?

Damn it, I just wanna float, in every sense of the word.


Xero said...

the key point in floating is making as little disturbance as possible .
the calmer you are the easier you float .

and no matter what happens NEVER completely empty your lounges out of air .
or you'll sink like a rock .

insomniac said...

hehe, someone just explained to me the whole lungs theory...

no one, NO ONE has ever described me as calm, so i don't think i will see me floating like in the photo, huh!

Anonymous said...

lel draga di?

Ayzi said...

If its any consolation, I just turned 27, and only learned to swim when I was practically 14. Mind you, I didn't enter territories in which I had no height (maykonsh leyya tool) until I was practically 18.

Floating literally came 5 years ago, and I love it- its unbelievably relaxing; every now and then lessa bat7aggar, but I manage to float, for a short time which is great.

Bottom line; its never too late for you to start taking swimming lessons by the way! Its worth it, believe me they simply are :)

ps- your recent postings mashaa allah imply that you less and less talk about the father of your kids (to me this is only what he should be to you at this stage), which is great....Any recent adventures from him other than the Iraq thing?

insomniac said...

anon, lel daragadi waktar :)
fashla 3an gadara when it comes to swimming... proudly!

ayzi, i really don't care much for swimming anymore... it's just that floating seems sooooo relaxing and i feel like it would be great if i learn how to do it.... i will give it another try isA :)

as for the x, i only talk about how much he gets to bother me from time to time... he's nothing but their father, u got that right, i don't think i ever talked about him like he's still meant anything more! as a matter of fact, i don't even think he deserves to be that, but well...

and no, i stopped taking his calls when he said "ana mesafer next week we mesh hattala2"... i have nothing polite to say to him at this point, but i don't think he's going anyway, his family wouldn't let him, he just said that for the attention or whatever! he's a drama wh*re that way!

hurricane_x said...

I've always had that dream of being able to fly till one day I woke up and I was so convinced that if I concentrated on the issue I'll do it.
I literary did some attempts and,...!!

Eventuality said...

Hey that's another thing we have in common, the Alexandrian genes...ummm but I can swim lol :)

I really understand how your mind sometimes just refuses to let go. It's very tiring. But the relief that you get when you resolve things in your own way is amazing and liberating.

I read back through your posts and I really like your blog. I like your attitude through the whole divorce fiasco and I just want to tell you, ghetto style, "you go girl" ;) Rabbena ma3aky you will emerge from this stronger and better.

insomniac said...

Hurricane, FINALLY!!

u've been missed pal :)

soooo, is that where u've been hiding; recovering from your attempts to fly?!!

good to hear from u tho!

well, i fly a lot... in my head i guess :)

insomniac said...

Eventuality :)

i completely agree; letting go feels liberating... i personally find it easier to let go of things that had already happened rather than my worries about what would/could happen...

well, welcome to my mad world dear :) and thanks for the support :) i am sure u had your own battle to win in that department, God bless you and every one of us :))

have a good day!

hurricane_x said...

thx, u too :)
I wasn't hiding,..
I guess I was trapped!

insomniac said...

hope the entrapment is over :)