April 14, 2008

Tired, Confused, and Scared…

I just read what I wrote yesterday. If anything, I think it was too depressing; some serious emotional vomit if you ask me, but sadly, I know where it came from.

I am tired, tired of the anticipation of the end, tired of the responsibilities I know are already more than I can handle, tired of getting help from my mother when she keeps making me feel like an endlessly disappointing burden. I am tired of being stuck in a moment, in a situation I definitely did not sign up for. I am tired of being worried and I am tired of wondering when all this will be resolved, I know it will be; I am just not sure when it will happen or what it will take to happen.

I am confused about my current status and my kids’. I am confused about how my life should be until then; I don’t know how to act or behave. I don’t know if I am someone’s wife, and I should live my life up to people’s expectations, people who think my husband is abroad and I am taking care of my kids until he’s back. What if I say it plain and simple: “my marriage is ending; I don’t know how long it will take, but it will end”, and then, do I get to have a little bit more freedom, or would I be tied by more social chains. Either way, I need more emotional freedom than that, at least I know that much. I am also confused whether I should mention him to the kids more often to make them more familiar that they do have a father somewhere, or do I ignore the elephant in the room (more like a dirty ugly rat) until they are old enough to ask.

I am scared, very scared. When this is over, what will happen, what’s next? I’ve been told to live each day at a time and not to over think things and burden myself with worries, but easier said than done. I am scared of the more responsibilities that await me. I am scared of the choices I have to make that I may not be ready for. I am scared of my parents’ control once I am labeled divorcee. I am turning 27 in a couple of months, and I am scared of my parents’ control, does it get anymore pathetic?! It does! I am also scared of a society I despise; not of what the society would think of me, more like what it would think of my kids as they grow up. I know, too soon; but my father sort of throws this at my face from time to time. I know he says it because at some point he used to think that way. Perhaps he kept his own marriage together for my sake and my sisters’, is this why he mom constantly judge me?

Despite being tired, confused and scared, I know I have made the right decision when I decided I could no longer stay. Other women might have done it differently, but I just know I couldn’t. Whatever I write here is not about having second thoughts or thinking what ifs; it’s always about what will come of this when the smoke goes down. I am afraid of my choices, the coming ones. I am afraid I will make more wrong choices when it’s no longer just about me, but also about my kids’ best interest. I don’t know how to take that one day at a time because this much responsibility is too overwhelming, and the help I am getting with the kids, may be good for them, but definitely not good enough for me, and I can’t ask for more. I don’t know how to ask for more.

15 comments:

Eventuality said...

Not worrying about everything all at once is definitely easier said than done. But look at it this way: you can start worrying about everything now, anticipating situations and events, only to have completely different things happen at the end.

It's almost like looking at a 1000-piece puzzle all jumbled up and thinking "how the hell am I going to put this together?" Of course it looks so complicated and difficult and at this point nothing seems to fit together and you don't know if you will be able to complete the picture. These are all normal feelings. But despite these feelings and because you are a logical person, you will start working on the puzzle. You will start working on one small part bit by bit, until you've completed a corner of the picture. Maybe someone will come by and step all over the part you completed and you have to start over again...and maybe not. But the fact remains that the puzzle is yours, the pieces are yours, and you are in control of putting it together.

Cut yourself some slack, allow yourself to be tired and angry and upset and scared. Don't fight the emotions you are having now and don't bottle them up. You will find that things will start sorting themselves out slowly, you will start getting used to your new life, it will be a challenge, but you will get the hang of it as time goes by. And remember that God is by your side, seek his guidance.

I'm not trying to give you advice by the way, I hate it when people do that :) I am none the wiser, but I'm just trying to give you some support that may or may not be useful.

Rabbena ma3aky :)

insomniac said...

awwww, your words just made me smile for real :)

u reminded me of my two best friends with your words; one is sooo into jigsaw puzzles, and the other always gives me this kind of talk, only ur analogy was much better than anything she comes up with tho...

don't worry, i did not perceive it as advice, not the annoying kind at least :) actually, u made good points, so thanks :)

it's funny how despite all the emotional mess, something inside tells me it will be fine... only i worry it's the crazy optimist who always got me in trouble :) but i would rather follow the optimist, especially that i don't have much options...

alhamdulilah...

at least i am still capable of seeing the things that are going for me... and i somehow still have faith that things have their own way of being sorted out

i know it's crazy to be aware of all that, yet worry and act the way i do, but i never said i was well in the head :)

Ma 3lina said...

I am not really good wiz comfort words :((

kinda dunn knw what to say but I could give u a big hug :) and wish u that u calm down and get out of this state soon isa

The last two posts were heartbreaking .. plz plz plzz go out ... do anything wiz ur kids ....shopping...just try to cheer urself up

Eventuality said...

I'm glad enno kalamy tele3 mesh fare3' awy :)

You know, it's great that you are aware of all that despite the worrying, this shows that you have the capacity to look beyond immediate events.

Have a lovely day :)

insomniac said...

ma 3alina...

i am sorry i made u feel awkwar girl... and thanks for the hug :)

and seriously u made me burst in laughter when u suggested i go out and do shopping... it's like u know me!!! this is why i have been thinking redecoration; major shopping included and too much effort to have time for this kind of crap :))

insomniac said...

eventuality,

naaaa, kalam faregh is what i have been told about reconsidering :))

and thaaaanks... have a gr8 day urself babe :)

Ma 3lina said...

I know it's not the time but u've been tagged and it's kinda funny one

so take a look :))

http://maa3lina.blogspot.com/2008/04/blog-post_13.html

insomniac said...

hey, i was caught up in my new post...

i took a look... r u kidding?? te3meleely tag awel so2al feh 3an el 7ala el egtema3eya!!! ya adra :)

will go see the rest of it now :)

Ma 3lina said...

e7em e7em

walahy ghalta gheer maksoda ya fandem:))

if u like the tag u can skip the 1st q until ur settled for an answer.

Anyway take ur time :))

kovs said...

"A Bend In The Road Is NOT The End OF The Road ... Unless You Fail To Take The Turn"

That's my favorite quote of all time ... and i think i should pass it on to you right now ....

I reached a point where i decided fuck society and what they believe, i'm going to persue what i believe is right as long as i'm not hurting anyone else... so people call me 'lase3' now ... should i care?? NO
Why shouldn't i care?? because simply i'd hate myself if i'm just a sheep in the herd who's just doing things he doesn't believe in just because it's different from what the other sheep are doing and for fear of what they might think.
I'm sorry we can't call a society stupid and then worry what they're thinking ... cause after all stupid people don't think that well!!!

You should be admired for your courage, and for not wanting to be abused ... and the first one who should admire you is Insomniac herself... so please stick to that.

insomniac said...

i like the quote... thanks :) who said it tho???

well, using ur logic... stupid people do not think well, this is why we should worry ;) i know what u mean, tho...

i've always talked people into not caring for society when it's being stupid, and i still think one shouldn't... i want for my kids to not care for society either, but i wouldn't want them to do that as a defence mechanism, i want it to be their choice, which will be hard considering everything...

that's the thing... even if u choose to ignore society, it DOES NOT ignore you back, it throws sticks and stones at you and labels you! i can handle it, i just worry about what it would take my kids to learn how to handle it.

thanks man, i am sticking ahoh :)

Nora said...

Ok. I am extremely tired as I write this so forgive me if I ramble on or if I do not make much sense....
First of all, eventuality made some kick ass points. They are spot on.
Second, society will not ignore you back, you are right... but does it matter when you ignore them? Eventually, society will stop throwing sticks and stones. I think your kids will be fine as long as you teach them to think for themselves and not care too much about opinions of society. It is hard, but it is something kids learn from the people around them.

Third, assuming that your parents stayed together for the sake of the kids.. was this the best thing for you? Do you feel that this choice left you with a healthy relationship with both of your parents? I am not sure if it is bitchy of me to say so... but I do not think that it did. I think that your relationship with your mom needs work and I think it is because she judges you and you resent her. Do you resent her because of how she acted with your father as you were growing up? Is this what you want for your kids?

Anyway, just some questions to think about. I hope that they lead you to the conclusion we all have of you... that you are strong and your courage is remarkable.

You are fighting society, your family, your own thoughts, your own fears, your heart.... and you still have time to redecorate...
Seriously, you kick ass!
Please start to see that....

Nora said...

Ok. I am extremely tired as I write this so forgive me if I ramble on or if I do not make much sense....
First of all, eventuality made some kick ass points. They are spot on.
Second, society will not ignore you back, you are right... but does it matter when you ignore them? Eventually, society will stop throwing sticks and stones. I think your kids will be fine as long as you teach them to think for themselves and not care too much about opinions of society. It is hard, but it is something kids learn from the people around them.

Third, assuming that your parents stayed together for the sake of the kids.. was this the best thing for you? Do you feel that this choice left you with a healthy relationship with both of your parents? I am not sure if it is bitchy of me to say so... but I do not think that it did. I think that your relationship with your mom needs work and I think it is because she judges you and you resent her. Do you resent her because of how she acted with your father as you were growing up? Is this what you want for your kids?

Anyway, just some questions to think about. I hope that they lead you to the conclusion we all have of you... that you are strong and your courage is remarkable.

You are fighting society, your family, your own thoughts, your own fears, your heart.... and you still have time to redecorate...
Seriously, you kick ass!
Please start to see that....

Nora said...

Ouch. Sorry that it was such a long comment!

;)

insomniac said...

hehe, u know ur welcomed to leave as much long comments as you want... especially when u end them with me kicking ass ;))

i agree with you on the society part... it's just that sometimes the extra burden of not allowing it to get to my kids scares me...

and yes, my relationship with mom is so messed up because of the way she always makes it about how she's a hero for enduring each and every one of us... even my dad, as much as i love him, when i was little i was not a big fan because of how he acted around my mom, until i have come to take his side because i couldn't handle her either...

as i said, i am not having any doubts about my decision, just worries :)

and i have not decorated yet! honestly, i am afraid my parents would kick me out if i mention it, so i am keeping my mouth shut about it, but ideas keep coming nonetheless :D