I just read what I wrote yesterday. If anything, I think it was too depressing; some serious emotional vomit if you ask me, but sadly, I know where it came from.
I am tired, tired of the anticipation of the end, tired of the responsibilities I know are already more than I can handle, tired of getting help from my mother when she keeps making me feel like an endlessly disappointing burden. I am tired of being stuck in a moment, in a situation I definitely did not sign up for. I am tired of being worried and I am tired of wondering when all this will be resolved, I know it will be; I am just not sure when it will happen or what it will take to happen.
I am confused about my current status and my kids’. I am confused about how my life should be until then; I don’t know how to act or behave. I don’t know if I am someone’s wife, and I should live my life up to people’s expectations, people who think my husband is abroad and I am taking care of my kids until he’s back. What if I say it plain and simple: “my marriage is ending; I don’t know how long it will take, but it will end”, and then, do I get to have a little bit more freedom, or would I be tied by more social chains. Either way, I need more emotional freedom than that, at least I know that much. I am also confused whether I should mention him to the kids more often to make them more familiar that they do have a father somewhere, or do I ignore the elephant in the room (more like a dirty ugly rat) until they are old enough to ask.
I am scared, very scared. When this is over, what will happen, what’s next? I’ve been told to live each day at a time and not to over think things and burden myself with worries, but easier said than done. I am scared of the more responsibilities that await me. I am scared of the choices I have to make that I may not be ready for. I am scared of my parents’ control once I am labeled divorcee. I am turning 27 in a couple of months, and I am scared of my parents’ control, does it get anymore pathetic?! It does! I am also scared of a society I despise; not of what the society would think of me, more like what it would think of my kids as they grow up. I know, too soon; but my father sort of throws this at my face from time to time. I know he says it because at some point he used to think that way. Perhaps he kept his own marriage together for my sake and my sisters’, is this why he mom constantly judge me?
Despite being tired, confused and scared, I know I have made the right decision when I decided I could no longer stay. Other women might have done it differently, but I just know I couldn’t. Whatever I write here is not about having second thoughts or thinking what ifs; it’s always about what will come of this when the smoke goes down. I am afraid of my choices, the coming ones. I am afraid I will make more wrong choices when it’s no longer just about me, but also about my kids’ best interest. I don’t know how to take that one day at a time because this much responsibility is too overwhelming, and the help I am getting with the kids, may be good for them, but definitely not good enough for me, and I can’t ask for more. I don’t know how to ask for more.