I think I know what’s wrong… I am confused.
Like the average human being, I tend to be affected and influenced by everything that happens around me, everything. I might have a little bit more than my share when it comes to this department because of the vivid imagination and the what-if-it-happened-to-me, and all the other things that I think are basically due to some unidentified psychological ailment.
So, trying to figure out my unexplained blues, I started thinking of the things that took place within the last week… eureka!!
It was right under my nose! Anyone who stumbled upon my blog would have said it… it’s about the X. Not him; more like what people keep telling me when it comes to him, of course accompanied by my own crazy mixture of thoughts and hidden agendas, some of which I never dared to share!
It started the day I went to court. Talk about a day that starts with a strike and a sandstorm, add to it an appointment at court and you get some serious emotional disturbance.
I never talked about it, but I got out of court feeling like crap. Every time I am forced to deal with any of that I feel like the world is closing in on me. Let alone that my mind has its own freaky ways of making a lot of things my fault just to avoid indulging me in the victim’s role. I don’t remember how I got there, but I was probably blaming myself for something as I was driving my way out of down town.
I stopped by my friends at my previous job to feel some warmth and to force myself to be all bubbly and happy; that’s the girl they know, they never met disillusioned me. I was greeted by the friendliest phrases and I felt good about myself, but I still felt weak inside.
My x-boss (S) came, a wonderful woman, a bit of an acquired taste, but you gotta admire her strength and poise. She hugged me, and for a split second there I almost broke down, I miss being hugged that way… my mom never does, I never let her; last time I did she made me regret it by saying mean things the next day and I promised I would never let her disappoint me that way again.
S felt it and took me to her desk and told me in her most direct tone what was the worst thing for me to hear at that point, basically because I knew it was true. Yes, at the end of the day, I am in over my head big time. As tough as I can be, I have been living in my dad’s bubble until I moved into his. I never experienced life on my own, all my experience was through other people. I am not fooling anyone with my act or whatever that is that I have got going.
Yes, my sons will grow up to rebel against me because that’s what all kids do, and if we add to that the divorce and their father’s character and whatever else I am not paying attention to right now, I am in for disaster. And like S said: “enty nafsek manteesh 3a2la awy, enty zarboona wel 3er2 el turkey 3andek 3aly”. That was my cue to leave, I felt like going home and hiding under the cover, only I never did.
At home, responsibilities, and I really feel that no one knows how all this is making me feel anymore. I know I shouldn’t expect a constant watch over my mood swings; if anything, my family has already learned my moods change by the hour and that asking me what’s wrong will only put me on the defense. Let alone that I am really sick and tired of complaining, I already turn everything into a joke.
Then D logged on. She is probably the only one I can pour my feelings to without filtering. But I was already putting my guard on to an extent, like I always do when I know I am doing something she’s not approving of… and well, there is a thing or two. She asked me what’s wrong, I told her nothing new… that was her cue to change the topic and talk about other things. I didn’t want her to, but neither was I read for what she had to say if she had not changed the topic.
Then the evening at the dentist’s; that was harsh. I really love the man; I mean I absolutely have nothing against him, nothing. But I almost cried when he talked to me about how the x and I are being so ignorant of our kids’ best interest. I know their best interest will never be with who he is at this point, but I did not need to hear that their best interest didn’t lie with my current choice, because that is the only choice I have.
His talk had awaken so many demons I thought I have put to sleep; they were hiding and waiting for great chances like those.
All the words people keep saying about how I should have been more forgiving and accepting. How I lead him into more cheating when I couldn’t forgive him the first time around. How love should have made me more forgiving. How I ruined it all by having higher expectations than he was capable of as a man. How things could have worked if I was less opinionated and more submissive.
All his words, his sick and twisted words that once made sense and tormented me came back to haunt me out of the blue. “you’re the one who lead me to her… she understood what you could never even try to understand”, “I will never forgive you for pushing me in her direction every time I had regrets and wanted nothing but to hold you in my arms, but you always pulled away”, “you will never forgive me, so what’s the point of apologizing, let alone meaning it”, “you’re everything that’s text book wrong with how wives should treat their husbands, you talk back, you argue, and you just have no faith in me”
YES YES YES
It could all be right. Perhaps I am the delusional one. Perhaps I did everything the wrong way and perhaps if I were different, I would have still be living the dream, instead of having it turned into a nightmare that forced me to wake up to an ugly reality.
But people, I couldn’t forgive him because I was hurt, deeply and infinitely hurt by having the one person I loved sharing feelings I thought were only mine with someone else, someone he never even spoke well of; it made me feel worthless and cheap. I accepted everything, not necessarily in the most subtle of ways, but I did the best I could do and I just never knew it wasn’t enough for him. Love is what made me unable to forgive him, because loving him is what broke my heart then; how could I have let love take the lead when it had taken my heart and had given it to someone who did not cherish it. If my expectations of him were that high, how come he got away with his expectations of me, how come it was ok for him to cheat when I couldn’t live up to them? It is not fair! And the fact that I could not live by such unfairness or accept it does not make me opinionated; it simply makes me a person who does not have double standards, or at least thinks she doesn’t.
His words, they scarred me for life; I remember them in every single moment of self doubt that my life sometimes feel like a dead end. They weaken my logic and my confidence in ways no other words have… talk about the power of words. How could you expect me to understand that you could fool around all day wrong and then come home to me and act as if you missed me? How could I have remained in your arms when I knew they held someone else? I’d have rather had you go back running to her than suck it up and let you hold me.
And I forgave you, you piece of shit, I forgave you when you came crying and asking for my forgiveness… I just couldn’t get over the pain or find peace in any of the details you shared; they shattered every little beautiful thing we once shared, they shattered all my dreams and ruined all chances of me looking at you without remembering. And you know what, when you took back the confession and the remorse, you made me hate myself for forgiving someone who never even felt sorry in the first place; it was yet another slap to my dignity.
And if I was such a terrible terrible wife, why did you not just leave me? Hell, why are you not letting go? Why are you not letting go? I cried and I begged you to, I let you see how broken I have become because of you and you just did not let go, why? And don’t you dare say you love me; this is not love, not in my book, not in any book.
Do you have a clue what it took me to know what I want, to know that ending the marriage is the better option. I knew I would have not fogiven you if I had stayed; I would have not been able to understand the hows and whys, so I just realized it was best to leave them not understood. This is what brings me peace, knowing my decision was the only one I could live with and accepting it.
You will never understand how bad it feels when i speak that way of you, but you left me nothing but bitter and hateful words to describe you with. I try to smile and say calmly “Rabena yehdeeh” but my voice fails me; how can I wish you well when all you've put me through during the past couple of years was utter misery? That's not the way I wanted things to end; I wanted to look back and say there were good days, but all I am left with are the bad ones blocking everything else.For the love of God, just let me go. Let me redefine my life and know what I want out of it without having your shadow over every good day. Please let me go, God knows I have a handful of worries and things to work on from here on. Don’t force me into paths that go against the things I believe in, when I gave you my heart I never imagined I would be going to courts to end this marriage.