I have every right to flip…

ماما: كلمي صاحبتك و عقليها، إنتي عارفة دماغها ناشفة و فيها عند الدنيا
ن: لا يا طنط، هي اه دماغها ناشفة و عندية بس ليها حق و حضرتك عارفة
ماما: بس برده، هي لازم تفهم إن أنا و باباها مش عايشنلها على طول و تبطل تقول الكلام اللي ينرفز ده... دي دلوقتي أم، فيه أم تقول مصلحتي اهم دلوقتي و تقول محدش هيلويلي دراعي بولادي
ن: يا طنط هي متقصدش حاجة وحشة، هي قصدها تقول إن مصلحة الولاد من مصلحتها
ماما: ده بدل ما تعمل زي (م)... ماهي البنت قرفانة و طهقانة من جوزها بس مش هاين عليها تقلق أهلها و تحسرهم عليها حسرتنا على صاحبتك ام دماغ ناشفة دي.. دي حتى (م) ماعنداهاش ولاد
ن: يعني يا طنط يرضيكي ترجع له بعد كل اللي عمله ده
ماما: أنا عارفة انه واطي و اليل الأصل بس ما هييه اللي اختارته
ن: يا طنط يعني هي اتجوزته غصب عنكم، مش انتو برده وافقتم
ماما: ماهو الكلام ده اللي باباها بيقولهولها و بيقويها
ن: يعني يا طنط هيبقى كلكم عليها، و كمان هي اختارت غلط بس ده حتة اللي بيتسجن بيجيله وقت و يخرج
ماما: ماليش دعوة، تستحمل عشان ولادها، مش هتلاقي أحن من باباهم عليهم و كمان أحسن ما تشيل لقب مطلقة

That is what my mom told my friend N so that she’d “talk some sense into me”. I flipped when N started telling the conversation. I was at the office and I started getting angry and then I started yelling and crying. Bottom line, presteejy etmarmat.

First of all, I do not understand how comfortable either her or my father would be if I go back to a person whom she referred to as “waty we aleel el asl”!! Moreover, I do not want to ruin M’s heroic image for mom, but seriously?!!! M has soo many loose screws!! She literally told me to go back together and start dating other people to give him a taste of his own medicin!!! So this is better for my parents’ morale now??? Tab te3bo awy fe tarbeety leeh????

And finally, if I should sacrifice for my kids’ welfare, why can’t she take it easy on me for my own welfare?!! Am I not her child?? No sacrifice is expected from her side at this point; all I am asking for is good old understanding and support!!

No no no, that wasn’t finally!! What’s with the “laqab motalaqa”??? Seriously!!! My own mother thinks the same way this sick and twisted society does, I can get that; what I can’t get is feeling that she’s judging me despite knowing all the facts and the background stories she practically lived with me!!!! She makes me lose hope in this society ever becoming more evolved and accepting.

I am mad at her in so many ways. N tells me to take it easy on her because as a mother she’s aching for me, and that even as she spoke she was in too much pain for me. I have no sympathy for her that way. I’m sorry, but she can’t use that kind of twisted logic to deny me any sympathy or support that I very much need and then find it in me to “take it easy on her”.

She judges me, and she makes my life harder on daily basis and then she says big phrases like how her life is shattered!! Look me ma, my life is totally shattered for real and I am sucking it up and I am trying to find things in life that make it worth living. You can’t say you ache for me and hurt me that way. I am mad at you and I know that I can’t tell you that to your face anymore; you will never understand, so what’s the point? So when you sat next to me and asked me how the last court session went and I told you I’d tell you later, I meant never. You can call the lawyer and tell him all about your ungrateful daughter all you want, just let me tell you this: don’t expect people to take it easy on me, when you –my very own mother- are the first person who starts labeling me that way.