May 3, 2008

I still care!

I was told on the phone that you’re in town. I was told in an ironic tone -that I did not notice at first- to call and check on you. As much as I remember how angry and disappointed I was at you when you were last here, I found a tear rolling my cheek as I asked for your number in a shaken voice.

I still care! Is it because we have the same blood? Or is because you were my idol for too long? Or is it because you’re the closest thing I ever had to a brother; as a matter of fact, you were always my brother figure! So is it because I need a brother right now? I don’t know. All I know is that I miss you, regardless of how angry and disappointed I might still be. I never lie to myself about those things.

I just don’t know what I would say if I get a number and dial it and hear your voice! I don’t know how I will sound. I don’t know if I will tell you “wa7ashteny awy” with my sincere childish tone, or I will just go with “3amel eh” with my cold and distant tone; either way, I know that I miss you.

I don’t know if I will go out and meet you. If I do, will I burry myself in your arms like I always did, or will I just shake hands and watch your eyes accusing me of being cruel and unforgiving like you did last time as you said that you never thought I would give up on you?

I did give up on you, I admit it. I got you off that pedestal so suddenly, and perhaps for all the wrong reasons. But the moment you got down to be on the same grounds I was, I saw all your flaws and all the pain you caused to those who loved you before those who didn’t even bother. That was when the beautiful image I had of you got stained and ugly. It shook my faith in all the people I loved, because one day you were my favorite one of all.

I still care! Even when I see you now for who you really are; a selfish child who still thinks it’s “cool” to lie, in the body of an immature middle aged man, making a mess and causing pain, and crying because no one cares about you anymore. A person who accuses every one of things that are only half true because the other half is what you did! But I care; I still do, only I am not sure if I can show it, or if it would make much of a difference. This is why I gave up on you; I realized caring would not make a difference. I am sorry... If it means anything, I miss you, and I still care.

I wish I could go back to the days when I used to run around the house with you chasing me and finally carrying me so high until I started screaming out of both, fear and joy. I wish I could go back to the time when I used to sneak into your room despite all the warnings to wake you up so that you’d spend time with me. I wish you could meet my kids and relive those days in a few hours, but I am afraid this will not happen, and it breaks my heart… because I still care.


Ma 3lina said...

Well, if u still care as u say, I think you should contact him even wiz an sms.

insomniac said...

this is funny!!!

right before i saw your comment i was dialling the number!!!

sadly, it's a home number, and no one picked up!! so i will try again...

hopefully he'd pick up before tomorrow so that i can ask him to come to mocha's BD!!

Ayzi said...

Can't you get his cell phone, or leave him a message if he has an answering machine at home?

He seems like someone sooo special for you..It would be perfect for you if he comes. Imagine, if both him and your X show up...I think the presence of your"idol/brother" will make the meeting with the X so much better for you. It will turn it to hell for your X though.

Lets hope for the best, and may you have a wonderful birthday party tomorrow :)

Kol sana wenti wel welad tayebeen :)
Keep us posted how things go tomorrow

insomniac said...

he does not live in egypt, so there is no fixed cell no.

anyway, he picked up around 3 hours ago... waffar 3alaya kalam keteer awy i might have not been able to say...

i did not get a chance to invite him, so he's not coming and i don't know if we will ever speak again, and it makes me rather sad... but i can't say he let me down, i think i was already there....

on the "brighter" side, i am waiting for tomorrow with awe *fingers crossed*

let's hope i won't have something to post about tomorrow, nothing sad one that is!!

thank you dear for stopping by, and for sharing...