May 10, 2008

I have every right to flip…

ماما: كلمي صاحبتك و عقليها، إنتي عارفة دماغها ناشفة و فيها عند الدنيا
ن: لا يا طنط، هي اه دماغها ناشفة و عندية بس ليها حق و حضرتك عارفة
ماما: بس برده، هي لازم تفهم إن أنا و باباها مش عايشنلها على طول و تبطل تقول الكلام اللي ينرفز ده... دي دلوقتي أم، فيه أم تقول مصلحتي اهم دلوقتي و تقول محدش هيلويلي دراعي بولادي
ن: يا طنط هي متقصدش حاجة وحشة، هي قصدها تقول إن مصلحة الولاد من مصلحتها
ماما: ده بدل ما تعمل زي (م)... ماهي البنت قرفانة و طهقانة من جوزها بس مش هاين عليها تقلق أهلها و تحسرهم عليها حسرتنا على صاحبتك ام دماغ ناشفة دي.. دي حتى (م) ماعنداهاش ولاد
ن: يعني يا طنط يرضيكي ترجع له بعد كل اللي عمله ده
ماما: أنا عارفة انه واطي و اليل الأصل بس ما هييه اللي اختارته
ن: يا طنط يعني هي اتجوزته غصب عنكم، مش انتو برده وافقتم
ماما: ماهو الكلام ده اللي باباها بيقولهولها و بيقويها
ن: يعني يا طنط هيبقى كلكم عليها، و كمان هي اختارت غلط بس ده حتة اللي بيتسجن بيجيله وقت و يخرج
ماما: ماليش دعوة، تستحمل عشان ولادها، مش هتلاقي أحن من باباهم عليهم و كمان أحسن ما تشيل لقب مطلقة


That is what my mom told my friend N so that she’d “talk some sense into me”. I flipped when N started telling the conversation. I was at the office and I started getting angry and then I started yelling and crying. Bottom line, presteejy etmarmat.

First of all, I do not understand how comfortable either her or my father would be if I go back to a person whom she referred to as “waty we aleel el asl”!! Moreover, I do not want to ruin M’s heroic image for mom, but seriously?!!! M has soo many loose screws!! She literally told me to go back together and start dating other people to give him a taste of his own medicin!!! So this is better for my parents’ morale now??? Tab te3bo awy fe tarbeety leeh????

And finally, if I should sacrifice for my kids’ welfare, why can’t she take it easy on me for my own welfare?!! Am I not her child?? No sacrifice is expected from her side at this point; all I am asking for is good old understanding and support!!

No no no, that wasn’t finally!! What’s with the “laqab motalaqa”??? Seriously!!! My own mother thinks the same way this sick and twisted society does, I can get that; what I can’t get is feeling that she’s judging me despite knowing all the facts and the background stories she practically lived with me!!!! She makes me lose hope in this society ever becoming more evolved and accepting.

I am mad at her in so many ways. N tells me to take it easy on her because as a mother she’s aching for me, and that even as she spoke she was in too much pain for me. I have no sympathy for her that way. I’m sorry, but she can’t use that kind of twisted logic to deny me any sympathy or support that I very much need and then find it in me to “take it easy on her”.

She judges me, and she makes my life harder on daily basis and then she says big phrases like how her life is shattered!! Look me ma, my life is totally shattered for real and I am sucking it up and I am trying to find things in life that make it worth living. You can’t say you ache for me and hurt me that way. I am mad at you and I know that I can’t tell you that to your face anymore; you will never understand, so what’s the point? So when you sat next to me and asked me how the last court session went and I told you I’d tell you later, I meant never. You can call the lawyer and tell him all about your ungrateful daughter all you want, just let me tell you this: don’t expect people to take it easy on me, when you –my very own mother- are the first person who starts labeling me that way.

10 comments:

gjoe said...

On a very much less dramatic scale, my mom is so much like than yours. She is an amazing mother don't get me wrong; but my mom also has "sympathy" issues. A typical conversation at home would be:

Me: mama ana messda3a geddan w ta3bana
Mama: 7'atty el dawa?
Me: la2 lessa.
Mama: LEEEH! Ma2olna MEET MARRA NA7'OD EL DAWA..ANA HA3OD TOOL 3OMRY A3EED NAFS EL KALAM.
Me(to myself): Allah yessalemek ya mama. I feel much better now.

P.S: There is NOTHING WRONG with laqab mottalaqa..there is A TERRIBLE MISTAKE in being married to someone waty w aleel el asl.

insomniac said...

here is how this convo would go with my mom...

me: my teeth are killing me, al four corners of my mouth ache!!
her: wana kaman, i have cavities and i think antbiotics no longer work and i think i should remove all them teeth we arrakeb ta2m
me: salamtek ya mama
her: ana te3ebt men el dakatra we meshwarhom wel wa7ed yestanahom, el 3eesha ba2et teaha2 we kol 7aga mashya ghalat....
me (to myself as i walk away while she's still ranting): yekhreb beet el yoom elly eshtakeet feeh men senany!

p.s. i agree with ur logic... el moshkela mesh fe gelna apparently!

Eventuality said...

Are all the afforementioned mums men geel el 50's like my mum? It seems so! :)

Ok here is what I think:

1)Ya3ni from experience with this whole divorce issue, don't look for any external support in this society, even from the closest people. The best thing is to find your own internal form of support, because it's your life in the end, and it's your battle to fight. Fending off people's twisted opinions is only the first step so don't waste your energy on trying to prove them wrong or being affected by what they say. You have to be strong enough to ignore what is said. You took your decision 7'alas, so you shouldn't be concerned by anyone's opinion.

After my divorce my mum would blame me for the whole thing, even though she knew the whole story. What I would do is completely ignore what she says and even at some point I told her enno this is my life we 3agbany keda we malhash da3wa. Sometimes you have to be blunt 3alashan yefhamo enno you're serious. Laken kol matet2assary bekalamhom da haybayyenlohom ennek momken ted3afy we momken kalamhom yegeeb nateega. I know it's upsetting and it isn't that easy...but this whole process, as I'm sure u know, is far from easy.

2) A lot of mothers from this era, I've discovered, are somewhat harsh it seems. I don't know if it is because this was the way they were treated, or if they somehow dislike our way of life (or even as I sometimes dare to think are jealous of it). But I'd also like to think enno they do care for us, it's just enno this is the way they have been conditioned to think, so you can't really ask them to think differently.

Soooo seeby elley ye2ool ye2ool, and stick to your guns and feel confident about it. You're in this alone fel awwel we fel a7'er, and you don't need anybody else.

Rabbena ma3aky...that's enough :)

insomniac said...

Eve :)

you're right about everything you said... i know that as supportive as my family gets, they will not be 100% in peace with my decision, and i know that they will give me hard time from time to time accordingly...

sadly! i am not the type that can let things slide men gheer ma at2assar! i am sure about what i want and my mind and heart are set and there is no way in hell i would have second thoughts about that... but it gets to me every single time when whoever tells me i should reconsider....

as for my mom bel ta7deed... it gets to me twice as much because she believes it all!! she believes i am a horrible horrible person for wanting what i think is best for me despite its "effect" on my children!!! she doesn't see that in her quest of setting me straight she's abusing her own child!! i talked to her before and it always ends with a fight!! every one but me could always see how futile it is; my dad would tell me "enty mesh 3andek wedneen, wa7da yedkhol menha el kalam we wa7da yokhrog we matrodeesh"... MESH BA3RAF!!!

oh well!! i guess it's me :-/

Eventuality said...

Ya3ni sometimes these experience make us learn something new, change things in ourselves. Give it a try keda mesh hate7'sary :)

You see, I was like that, but I taught myself to change one little bit at a time. However, I did have support from someone who would set me straight all the time.

insomniac said...

i am trying... el moshkela en el mawdoo3 gyy ma3aya be negativity 3alya awy (ignore my last post)...

i have that support through an amazing group of friends ALHAMDULILAH... bas i haven't been opening up lately... mesh 3arfa leh!

Deeeeeee said...

I just read that.. now and I'm getting flashbacks from a conversation I had earlier today, though my mom doesn't judge me, she doesn't support me at all, doesn't understand me at all, and is always criticizing me, don't get me wrong I love her so much and can not live without her, and most of the time whatever is wrong is my fault (including traffic, and I'm guessing eventually earthquakes!)..

HOWEVER, if I were ever forced to choose between her and my dad, I'd choose her without thinking about it for a second, though I'm on the same wavelength with my dad! But something deep down in my heart tells me she loves me more than he does, despite the clashes and the major unignorable differences between us!!

insomniac said...

i wouldn't like to choose between my parents, but i certainly like spending time with my dad more!

hurricane_x said...

u know how they think concerning these issues,...and it's so provoking!
How can one ruin his/her life just for public front?!
u r on the right way, so keep on going :)

insomniac said...

hurricane, it means a lot that ppl tell me i am on the right way considering that the same conversation has become a daily thing with my mother!!!