May 12, 2008

Just another attempt…

It’s a well known concept that for therapy to work, you have to be honest with yourself before you're even honest with your therapist. Keyword is HONESTY.

I mentioned somewhere before that I have been to a therapist twice before I had come with the decision to end my marriage. The first time, my x was the reason I decided I should check if I did actually need help; he always suggested that I was delusional and crazy whenever I hinted to his affair, and for the sake of the argument, I thought I’d get a second opinion, and also a professional one.

The second time I visited was because I was overwhelmed by all the lies he tried feeding me. My instincts knew better but they contradicted with all my principals of having faith in the man I once loved and married. I needed someone to act as a referee and tell me it was ok to have doubt and listen to the inner voices.

The couple of time I visited my therapist, she said I was honest enough with myself that I did not need to go visit her again! She said I was 100% aware of how my mind worked and the tricks it attempted to play on me. She practically congratulated me for my ability of choosing words that describe my feelings and thoughts. She finally said that all I had to do to survive my dilemma was to trust my instincts and remain honest to myself. So far I have been doing that, until recently.

I am afraid I am not that honest with myself any more; I am hiding things from myself and I do NOT want to know them!! I am not even sure I can get them out in words to anyone; I try and I keep failing miserably and it makes me feel worse.

I can go and tell my therapist all that, I can even give her the link to my blog and tell her to knock herself out analyzing all of it. But I know there will come a moment when she will look at me that way and tell me to spill it, and I will run out of words instantly.

So far, I have considered blogging my way of self therapy; my way of acknowledging things even if I wouldn’t have to deal with them again, at least I knew I'd be getting them out. I don’t think it’s working as efficiently anymore.

I need non verbal therapy; I need someone to just read my mind and tell me they can see through and confront me with my thoughts and give me no room to confirm or deny. A friend suggested art therapy some time ago and assured me that despite my inability to draw a circle, I will somehow end up drawing something that would tell more than the obvious! I can so try that now, I need to try that now.

I never thought I would do art therapy because I always thought of myself as someone who can appreciate art, but never make it. My forte was expressing myself in words, and I am losing it!! When did words become so HARD?!!!

9 comments:

الشنكوتي الكبير said...

الى الغائبه من فتره
او يمكن انا اللي مقصر من فتره
بعد العتاب على الغياب

جميله قوي فكرة العلاج بالفن دي
بس مش شرط الفن يبقى رسم
انتي اصلا بتتعالجي بالفن من اول يوم كتبتي كلمه هنا في المدونه
علشان لما بتكتبي بتكتبي بفن
بس المشكله انك بتكتبي بواقعيه فمقدرتيش تشوفي الفن في كلامك
مش هاقعد اقولك اسلوبك وثقافتك وروحك في الكتابه دي حاجه انتي شايفاها بعينك لكن هاقولك انك ممكن تجربي تكتبي بشيء من الخيال شويه يعني مش شرط تكتبي عن اللي جواكي مباشرة اكتبي عن خيالك عن حاجات مش حقيقيه ساعتها الفن هيخرج اللي جواكي بصوره كلماتيه مش لازم ترسمي وانتي ماشاء الله مبتعرفيش ترسمي دايره فمادمتي شاطره في الكلمات خلي فنك بالكلمات

وبرده جربي موضوع الرسم ده وابقي فرجينا على اللوحات
علشان نكتشف اعماقك من جوه

سلاااااااااااااااااااااام

gjoe said...

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/
random_joke.aspx?joke_id=11231

I hope you don't hate or misunderstand me for sending this joke, bass i read it just after reading your post and somehow felt like sharing it :)

P.S: I too congratulate you for being honest with yourself. I think this is the most honest blog I read around. I can't be that honest even when I write things down on a notepad and shift+delete them afterwards.

hurricane_x said...

Yeah, sometimes we run out of words and I dunno why. Maybe it's kinda related to unspoken stuff that remained unrevealed for long time..!!
But I restore my ability to write and express after some time, I guess when I become much more overloaded, and that's not what my advice for u by any means!

If there's sth like art therapy which I dunno if it exists in Egypt, go try it girl. Do what u feel is best for u and ur mental health.
And tell me if it worked plz :)

insomniac said...

Shankooty...

shokran awy 3ala kalamak... it was really touching :)

as for art therapy, i think it's time to check it out!


gjoe,

it's ok, no misunderstanding really :)

the most honest blog!! wow!!! that's something i never saw coming :)

here's a hint tho, when u delete what you write, it's not necessarily about being honest or not; it could be about changing your mind... i am a gemini, i understand :))


hurricane :)

i don't think i am exactly out of words... they are there, only i can't seem to get them out! it feels like i lose my ability to talk or something, let alone when i say something completely different in a stupid attempt to ease my tension, it gets tragic!!

and i am not good with piling words and feelings... they overwhelm me and i never make sense of them ba3d keda, so i discard them, which leaves me with unresolved issues... i'm afraid that i've been doing that lately

as for art therapy, i have a contact no. that i never really used except for once and it was the annual vacation!! it was last august, so i am giving it another shot... i guess i will definitely have something to blog about if/when i go :)

silent observer said...

I don't think that anyone who can express himself as well as you should need a therapist but I know what you mean with running out of words... but there's always some outlet, for me it used to be sports... anyway I think the art therapy thing is great and I really think you should go for it and if it helps you then I'd really want to try... or I would anyway just for the heck of it :) here's my e-mail : menna_t@aucegypt.edu
hope everything will work out for you soon :) (I know you've heard it a million times before but I mean it, seriously!)

Puppy said...

i am reading your blog for some time now, i think you should distract yourself may be by attending handmade, drawing, art, photography courses, go there with your sons. create your own circle of interest for urself and kids, be happy in it, and dont let anyone in unless u r sure. as in a movie «meet the fockers» CIRCLE OF TRUST, circle of your own family of 3, The Gang.

good luck.


Puppy.

insomniac said...

SO :))

thanks a lot for all nice things u said... it sure means something to me that you meant it :)

my usual outlet is communicating with ppl, ppl can be interesting when they're not obnoxious :) it's just that i feel too jaded to interact!!

i will definitely let u know all about art therapy once i do :)))


hey puppy :)

i wish i could get into any courses that actually interest me, i have a list somewhere... only i don't have the time... it's work then my kids; i can't afford to spend any time away from them even if i needed to!!!

as for letting ppl in, i have my own circle of trust, it's big, warm and friendly... only i am cocooning these days for no good reason

thanks hun :)

Shimaa Gamal said...

It's not always that bad to lose the ability to express. As sometimes we need sometime to reflect on the thoughts that we have already spilled.
I know it is bad when you know that there is something that you want to say, something that you can locate but can't identify, something that you are doing your best to hide from yourself. I know that it might be weired to discover that you can't confront yourself as you used to do.

khayfa mn eh?? what's is the thing that is too bad to be acknowledged?

Take your time and when everything fail, do it my way :) Blame it on the spring and eat your fears away :) mesh 2olty betkhesy besor3a yeb2a mesh mohem tetkhany ;)

insomniac said...

shimaa,

it's terrible to lose ability to express when it's all you have and what you need the most...

i agree that times you need to reflect on what you spilled... i think it's also part of that... i could be overcompensating for saying too much by saying nothing at all!! nonetheless, i promised myself honesty no matter what... no games and no regrets!

and u put it right, being unable to confront urself is painful in a way... i am in that phase where i stare at myself in the mirror and expect my image to confront me if i can't do it myself!! crazy i know :)))

khayfa men eh... keteeer... i am afraid if i start admitting my fears to myself, i'd give them room to take over and cripple me, but looks like they are screwing with me in different ways!

i blame everything on the spring!! i have allergies in the spring especially the dusty egyptian spring :))

la maho atkhan we akhes besor3a ah... laken la da wala da beye7sal be mazagy.... so i can't mess with that balance, or lack of it :)) and i just bought loads of new clothes to distract myself from the general bad mood (i tend to buy things excessively when i am down), i can't afford to gain weight delwa2ty ;))

for what it's worth, ur comment went right through fe wawelo and it did make me smile :))) thanks :)