Just another attempt…

It’s a well known concept that for therapy to work, you have to be honest with yourself before you're even honest with your therapist. Keyword is HONESTY.

I mentioned somewhere before that I have been to a therapist twice before I had come with the decision to end my marriage. The first time, my x was the reason I decided I should check if I did actually need help; he always suggested that I was delusional and crazy whenever I hinted to his affair, and for the sake of the argument, I thought I’d get a second opinion, and also a professional one.

The second time I visited was because I was overwhelmed by all the lies he tried feeding me. My instincts knew better but they contradicted with all my principals of having faith in the man I once loved and married. I needed someone to act as a referee and tell me it was ok to have doubt and listen to the inner voices.

The couple of time I visited my therapist, she said I was honest enough with myself that I did not need to go visit her again! She said I was 100% aware of how my mind worked and the tricks it attempted to play on me. She practically congratulated me for my ability of choosing words that describe my feelings and thoughts. She finally said that all I had to do to survive my dilemma was to trust my instincts and remain honest to myself. So far I have been doing that, until recently.

I am afraid I am not that honest with myself any more; I am hiding things from myself and I do NOT want to know them!! I am not even sure I can get them out in words to anyone; I try and I keep failing miserably and it makes me feel worse.

I can go and tell my therapist all that, I can even give her the link to my blog and tell her to knock herself out analyzing all of it. But I know there will come a moment when she will look at me that way and tell me to spill it, and I will run out of words instantly.

So far, I have considered blogging my way of self therapy; my way of acknowledging things even if I wouldn’t have to deal with them again, at least I knew I'd be getting them out. I don’t think it’s working as efficiently anymore.

I need non verbal therapy; I need someone to just read my mind and tell me they can see through and confront me with my thoughts and give me no room to confirm or deny. A friend suggested art therapy some time ago and assured me that despite my inability to draw a circle, I will somehow end up drawing something that would tell more than the obvious! I can so try that now, I need to try that now.

I never thought I would do art therapy because I always thought of myself as someone who can appreciate art, but never make it. My forte was expressing myself in words, and I am losing it!! When did words become so HARD?!!!