Cairo… Alex… Cairo, and in between…

Here is what I have been told based on the silliest looking scribbling EVER, I mean it; my artistic skills are below average, way below.

“What or who is controlling your life and suffocating you that much and making you feel like you’re literally unable to breathe? You seem to desperately want to break free and you believe your life will be much better once you get rid of that control”

“You carry a lot of fear; too much fear! You hate the control and you long for it to be over but you have millions of fears that you suppress about that control and what’s to come next”

“Someone is burning! It seems like you decided to discard someone out of your life; there are lots of emotions involved in that decision, like you wish that someone would burn”

“You have sibling? Two?? You feel quite responsible for them, and you worry too much for them. Oh, you say you have two kids, makes more sense. You think you’re the better parent; you don’t believe you’re a great parent, but you are sure their father is that bad, I think this is the person I mentioned! You think your kids will have a happier life and will be able to play and enjoy life with him away”

Then we talked some more! I said I didn’t feel like talking, and that the fact that I did not want to talk was somehow pissing me off because *ahem* I am a talkative person. I talked about how my parents, as understanding as they try to be, seem to never give up on the idea of me going back to him. I talked about how I can no longer cry my heart out to any of my close friends, not even to myself. I talked about how I got used to looking strong in front of others that I am starting to feel numb inside because it seems to be the only way I could hide my own weakness.

I don’t remember if I had ever said that in spoken words, I talked about his emotional abuse! How I believed all the lies he said about me and how I helped him turn me into someone I hated. How I built my world around him and gave up on my own life with all its interests and became so dependant on someone who tampered with my self esteem and made me doubt my own self worth. I don’t remember saying those words out loud before!!

That was when I was told…

“It’s obvious that your decision to get out of that marriage was not merely emotional, which is good because it came with complete conviction, it came from the depth of your soul. It’s only natural because he was your biggest disappointment in life; you gave up on who you are because you thought that was how to love him, and he didn’t appreciate it or take care of you, howa fe3lan mass dammek, we sabek –sorryy- men gheir dam” *smile*

“The pain you’re in now is because you’re feeling lonely; no one around you has the slightest clue about the pain and the damage you feel, because as much as it seems like you share, you have not really shared enough to unburden yourself. You want to do it alone, because you’re afraid you’d count on anyone then be let down again, and you know you’re too vulnerable to be let down at this point, so you want to stand on your own two feet alone, but it’s getting lonely because no one knows and no one understand the fears you have”

“The upside is that you know it will be over, you have that much faith that the pain won’t last forever, which is very good! But you need to also know that it will take time and that you have to be patient, and handle your fears so that you won’t let them ruin the good things you know you have”

“My advice to you is to hang in there! Be patient. Insist on what you chose; say NO to anyone who tries to make you change your mind or talks you into going back. You made the right decision, you will not take care of your kids if you go back to that marriage, as a matter of fact, what’s keeping you from doing better for your kids is the worrying and the burden of all this not being over. You made the right decision, now all you have to do is stick to it, no matter what”

I haven’t been told something I didn’t already know, but being told that by a complete stranger who assumed some of the facts just from my juvenile crap brought me relief. The feeling that someone who had no agenda whatsoever, someone who had no reason to take my side told me I was right and confirmed my need for this marriage to end. Someone acknowledged my pain and validated it without showing me pity and without making me cry or feel vulnerable about any of it. I can fairly say it helped to hear my words spoken by someone who couldn’t care less.

That feeling made my lonely drive to Alexandria at around 9 pm more tolerable than it could have ever been with my fatigue, headache, and toothache and newly discovered blurry vision.

Generally, yesterday was a great day; my best friend D came from the states and I saw her for around 10 minutes before I got my above analysis, then I drove to Alex to see my father who had arrived from KSA, I did not fight with my mother and both my kids seemed happy. I was grateful, until he sent me a text making me get all paranoid and restrict viewing of my blog again!!

As for today, I was with my parents in the car when I heard my dad talking to one of the people who volunteered to help me reconcile with him! I heard how my father kept saying that he would never encourage me to go with the divorce if my x lives up to his promises and shows true remorse! I remembered the words I have been told, I remembered everything without really having to go through all the memories, and just like that I started crying.

It was 2:30 pm, random people in the street could see my face covered with tears I didn’t even bother hiding them by reaching for my shades; what’s the point?! I sobbed and I argued about how I needed my parents to know that there is nothing I want out of him but to let me go. I allowed my mother to see how much pain I was feeling, I allowed myself to feel the pain I was trying to hide. I told them I could no longer even play the game of saying that I am willing to go back if he lives up to my strict, hard and non-negotiable conditions; I no longer have conditions, all I have now is a desperate need of him to let me go.

My mom tried saying nice things, but she failed as always. I can’t say my father was happy about my emotional outburst. My dad called me stupid for saying they did not feel my agony, he mentioned how we should do all we can to maintain the marriage because that’s what “good Muslims” do. I cried even harder when I told him that Islam never mentioned that a wife should live with a husband against her will, my dad argued back that I should have good reasons to not want to share my life with that husband, then I asked him if all that did not count! He tried calming me down and said that I should not be that upset because there is no way my x would live up to any of it, but neither should I say “I want out no matter what he does to get me back”!!!

I don’t get it! I don’t. I hate how my dad uses religion against me that way. I know what he’s doing and I understand it, but making me feel less adequate religion wise because I want a divorce is not going to help me be a better Muslim. Remaining in this marriage for the sake of God is not going to help me practice my faith and keep it! I admit that getting into that dilemma is what helped me find my faith, but going back would cost me my faith and a lot of other things; my sanity, my self respect, my will to live, and me.

I tried to calm down and I engaged in different conversations as we met with other people, but every time I took a glimpse of my mirror image I lingered on how older I looked, how jaded and tired I looked! For the first time I could see how crying makes me look that way.

I wanted to drive all the way back to Cairo; why not, it was 6 pm and the road seemed clear and peaceful and I needed to lose myself in the speed and the music, but I didn’t even argue when the driver said I looked like I could use some rest. I dosed off for a while, but I kept opening my eyes to calls from the x and loud songs playing on my mp3 player. Until I finally woke up to this…

"و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و الـلـــي لعــب به

و صلي عليه

و صلي عللي يحبه قلبك
و اقف في وجه الريح لقلبك
و اسعى فـ دربك، و مهما دار بك
و مهما طال بك هتنول مطالبك
وتدوق تحلي

ماشية السفينة والريح جفينا
و الموج خفينا، جوعنا حفينا
بس احنا فينا أحلام دفينة
بيها اتغفينا و بكرة تكفينا
و اليل يولي

بصلي عللي حباه تملي
و عللي علي حاسب يا خلي
الاقي املي اكتملي، ماللي
و الخير داخللي و أنا فـ محلي
و يا دي التجلي

و صلي عللي قلبك يحبه
تلقى زمانك ضحك في عبه
و داوى قلبك من اللي تاعبه
و اللـــي لعـــب به

و صلي عليه"

تجلي لـ كاميليــا جبـران**

I am calmer now, I realize there is o way in hell I am going back; I have come way too far already to even worry about being forced to go back. No one can force me into changing my mind, and no one can force me to share my life with him again. All I have to do is hang in there and do the best I can and keep the faith. I can do that, I will.

Until then, I am allowed to get upset when things stir up the way they did today, but I will always remember the words I have been told, and that song, and will pull myself together and move on.

** The lyrics are not hundred percent accurate and my eyes hurt too much to actually search the web, so please let me know if I am wrong on any of it… oh, and the song is worth checking!