May 5, 2008

26 going on 50!

They say there is wisdom that comes with age, but I rather think that growing up is different from growing old. I know people who are older than me, yet do not seem or behave maturely. No, I don’t believe age brings wisdom, and I always hated that about our culture; giving the elders more respect and credit than they sometimes deserve. I think you earn respect by your actions, not age. This was not what I wanted to talk about anyway! Actually, what I wanted to talk about is the opposite!

In the past year, I have grown up in so many ways I surprise myself!! I have experienced feelings I never thought I would experience, I have let go of feelings I thought I would take to my grave, and I have ignored some feelings I never thought people should ignore.

I buried some hatchets and decided to take higher roads, I learned about feelings that were nothing to me but words… I learned about regret, patience, and forgiveness.

I learned a lot about time and space in relationships, even practiced it in a way!

I walked in so many shoes that did not belong to me, and I’ve come to realize that mine is definitely not the most painful despite how much it hurts sometimes.

I learned that sometimes sadness and hurt hide behind anger and rage, and that in such case, I should express the anger and rage, but not let them take over… just vent them out so that there is room for the sadness to be felt, take its time, and then subside.

I guess I grew up a bit since I turned 26, which should be a good thing I guess. Only I feel I also grew older, which makes me rather sad. It makes me sad because one of the things I knew I always wanted was to never grow old that sometimes I knew it kept me from growing up!! I guess I had a lot of catching up to do this way. In my case, I think bad experience brought me some wisdom, and wisdom is what brought me age!!

9 comments:

Deeeeeee said...

That is so true! It reminded me of something I read a very long time ago here: http://gowaneyat.blogspot.com/2006/10/blog-post_18.html

insomniac said...

i liked it very much! thanks for the link

Sue said...

"If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older", I try my best to follow this saying and many people told me I'm doing great so far :D.

Ayzi said...

So, how did the birthday go?

insomniac said...

sue,

how does one carry his/her childhood with him/her?


ayzi, the BD went fine alhamdulilah... he didn't come like he said he wouldn't... the aunt i invited came with her kids (my age) and the other other aunt too (the text msg aunt)... other than that it was my friend and her kids, my cousins, baba's best friend.... can't complain :)

ayzi said...

What really surprises me is the fact that those two aunts maddoush your X 3ala demagho so he would show up to his son's first birthday party.

Another question; how is it that you never saw all those things in him? Is it because love is blind, or have you seen all this in him but you chose either not to notice or gave him excuses for his actions? If its the latter, then again, its becuase love is blind...

I take that back...Love is not blind...Love CAN blind us sometimes.

insomniac said...

ayzi,

don't u think en law kan 7ad beyedeelo 3ala demagho aslan, kan da yeb2a el 7al!!

the other question is tricky! somethings i saw but overlooked, some others i rationalized, some more i just didn't see because i was blinded by love...

yes, love can be pretty blinding, watch out :))

ayzi said...

Mesh 3arfa a2ollek eh :-)
3aza2ek el wa7eed eno shaklo 7ayetgannen from all what is happening...He can be wanting you back either because of love, or possession, or God knows what...All what you should know is that he is NOT indifferent. If he was, he would have come to the B-day...I am sure he is miserable. And he deserves it, because he made you miserable.

It will not only end here...After some time, he might meet a girl/woman or whatever we fe3lan 7attalla3 el adeem wel gedeed 3aleh. We 7ata3mel elli ahlo ma3amalohoush men zaman :-)

At any rate, you must be convinced you're better off that way.

One more question, from previous blogs, and comments, it seemed clear that your family does not yet know about the divorce and the pending case at court. Is there a reason not to tell them?

insomniac said...

ayzi,

my only consolation is that somehow i know he will pay for all of it... the more i see him insisting on that behavior the more i know that it will come back and bit him when he least expects it... the only thing that would be better is him letting me go

as for him meeting someone who would do that miracle... YA RAB, mafeesh a7san men el zolm lel zalem...

my dad wants it kept a "secret" until it is over... it's less of a topic when u say "i am divorced" rather than "i am getting a divorce through court"... less questions i suppose...

i do not think it makes much of a difference in my family, but if that's what my dad wants i shouldn't argue, kefaya arfah awy 3ala ad keda