May 8, 2008

Borderline Numbness!

Waking up… the same tooth ache, the same bad mood, the same disturbed soul, the same lingering to things that were never there, the same lack of faith in the goodness of people and the fairness of the system, the human system…

However, no anger, no sadness, no desperation, no tears, no wallowing and curling in bed until things get better… they might not get better; for all she knows, it could go downhill from there!!

Washing her face… water hurts; it burns her eyes! But why? She hasn’t cried, her eyes did not cry, her soul might have, but why do her eyes hurt while her soul feels nothing?!! Do the eyes miss the tears? Has the soul gotten used to pain?

She couldn’t pray properly. Her mind was distracted with millions of incoherent thoughts as she said words she did not hear in her head because of the noise, she couldn’t even say a proper prayer asking for what she wanted! But what does she want?! She’s not really sure! She says she wants it to be over, the pain, the worrying… but doesn’t she know there will always be new kinds of pain and different kinds of worrying, at least she knows where she stand from THIS pain and THIS worrying… the devil you know…

Her son woke up, she smiled and kept making him laugh and took her time changing him and getting him ready. She kept kissing him and hugging him and telling him it will all be fine. Was she trying to give what she needed, a sense of security she no longer feels and perhaps not even able to provide?

As she drove, she played the same song over and over and yet over again!! This song made her heart feel lighter yesterday; she wants to feel light, she wants to listen to words talking about how you eventually get what you want when you do what you can and have that kind of faith. Her mind wouldn’t stop with the conflicting thoughts, and her annoying tooth wouldn’t stop hurting, and she no longer feels the lyrics of the songs, she’s just enjoying the tune and the good voice!

She tried to get in touch with the optimist side of her; it’s weird that she’s both an optimist and a pessimist, but she’s used to all those contradictions. It will be over, she knows, but she wants to punch whoever tells her that now because it is ridiculous when people tell her things like “cheer up, it will be over”, she knows that, she’s not stupid, she just hates that it’s not over yet and that it’s consuming her energy. When people tell her that annoying clichĂ© phrase, they make her feel like she’s a wimp for feeling pain and letting it show in something as subtle as a frown! Did it sound like she got angry, naaa, she didn’t!! She just mumbled “whatever” as the she moved on to the second thought…

So what’s the worst that could happen? If optimism is not working for now, let’s see what the worst that could happen is and prepare for it! Guess what… she knows somehow that it will be ok, how twisted is that?!!! She does not trust people or their judgments, she does not trust the system that people put and apply, but she trusts God now; she knows she has been acting out of good intent all along and she knows it should count for something. But why isn’t she feeling the peace she was enjoying a while back, it’s disturbing her to be neither angry nor peaceful.

She’s been thinking about that for a while now… has she been unconsciously numbing herself? She was aware she was avoiding pain by wearing smiles she did not feel, and pretending to be ok when she was not, but she did not want to numb herself. When she said she did not want love, it was not about numbing her heart, it was about her fear of all the things that come with love that she is not ready for, and it’s ok that way.

But right now, she’s looking back at the past months and she’s starting to notice how she has changed; how she spends forever weighing words and thinking about things and behaving in a way that makes people call her “3a2la”(wise), but she’s not!! She is not “3a2la”(wise), why can’t anyone believe that?!!

She’s in too much confusion and pain that she can’t really share anymore, and she can’t let it out either; so she is burying it somewhere so deep and pretending it never happened. She keeps telling herself that if she says she’s happy and pretends to be happy, she will not feel the pain. But instead of it working, it’s killing her spirit in a way. So far no one can tell her spirit feels like wilting, but like cancer, it will suddenly show and hit everyone, starting herself… and by then it would be too late to be cured.

All she wants is to hide in the arms of someone she trusts, but she can’t! She doesn’t trust enough people with her weak side anymore! She feels much worse when her weakness is exposed, and she has already eliminated some people who did not handle her weakness properly, people she still loves and really cares for, but she hates being around when she’s feeling that way. As for the very few ones left, she fears being a burden to them; she doesn’t want them to worry, and she’s afraid they would get bored at some point if they stop worrying.

This leaves her alone; alone is good, she always thought so, believed so. But she’s starting to feel lonely too, more like incapable of dealing with her emotions, so instead, she casts them aside and pretends they are not there. She’s not hurting; she’s smiling, she’s joking, hell, she’s even being sarcastic!! But in reality, she’s only multiplying the distance between her and anyone who can see through to her soul. She’s realizing it could be the first step towards numbness, and she’s half scared and half indifferent!


Anonymous said...

Alone is good.

Alone with Prozac is better :)

insomniac said...

anon, u have no idea how familiar yiur phrase made you sound!!

Anonymous said...

you're not alone!

insomniac said...

yep, no one is really alone... but all of us do get lonely!