May 28, 2008

I don’t wanna talk about it!

I feel upset, hurt and angry. It’s so intense that every time I start thinking about it, somehow my thoughts keep taking me to unpleasant scenarios and conclusions that make me end up crying.

I am not even sure I can put it in well organized words because it is very chaotic in here in my head and in my heart; I wanna scream my brains and cry my heart out but I learned the hardest ways possible that it won’t make a difference. So I don’t wanna talk about it.

However, I will try to channel the negativity in another way; if it doesn’t work, then hopefully I will be distracted! So here it goes, the facts and the wonderings in no particular order…

Why has it become so hard for me to get my words out? Like I have millions and millions of thoughts that I wish I could scream out loud, but they’re trapped…

I am too sensitive; it makes it sort of unfair when I call someone insensitive because compared to me, a lot of normal people would be “insensitive”…

I get hurt so easily by those I love, and I always get too angry at them but I end up blaming myself... I always expect them to live up to my expectations; my expectations are too high for the average person to meet I guess. I have been told it is wrong of me to expect others to do for me as much as I do for them! Oh well...

I realized all that and I have been working so hard on toning it down… think more, but react less… don’t say I’m upset until I know for sure that I am, so that I can give myself time to calm down and think things through… but thinking can be tricky!

I feel like I lost my identity in my attempts of recognizing other people’s identities and being tolerant of them! Just when I start getting angry and I can feel my temper boiling up, I would stop and think what my words will do and I take off my shoes to walk in that other person’s shoes and in that process I lost track of events!!

But my shoes do hurt more!! Trust me, it’s not self pity; I don’t even know how to do that. The other person’s shoes are not painful; they may not be comfortable enough for them, but I am most certain they wouldn’t survive a minute in my painful shoes! I realize we have different shapes of feet and that the whole shoes/feet analogy is getting too smelly for my taste, but…

We are different; with all our similarities we are different!! I tried to see things from the other angle, but it pissed me off how I was patronized that way. Don’t tell me you know what it’s like, and for the love of God, DO NOT tell me you feel for me; you don’t. You don’t.

I said I didn’t wanna talk about it.

Look me suppressing my pain and anger. Look at me learning to suck it all up again.

Does it make you proud that I am growing up?? I am not growing up; I am getting old and dying inside. Don’t worry though; I won’t blame you or blame anyone else, I won’t blame fate and I won’t say “why God?”, I know why and I learned to accept it.

I just did not learn how to stop caring yet!

I mean look at the learning curve…

I learned to control my anger and put it on such a tight leash… and I can no longer vent or express my anger!

I learned to not cry… my eyes have come so dry it hurts way too much when I lose control and a few tears fill my eyes!

I learned to walk in others’ shoes… I can no longer walk in mine and I no longer know what it feels being me!

I learned that other people detach themselves as a defense mechanism, I learned how to detach myself… and here I am, completely detached from my own self!

So! I am not sure learning how to not care would be a great idea given how I take things from an extreme to another!

I don’t wanna be numb, but God help me, I am tired of the pain…

I don’t wanna be heartless, but my heart wouldn’t stop aching I can’t help but think that perhaps I am better off without…

I’ve been asked so many times about the things I want, and I always say that I find it hard to know what I want because it keeps changing! I will try to give it another go; perhaps if I think abstract, then what I want might not change that often!

I want to be me again… get angry when people offend me and give them a piece of my mind, express myself easily and clearly, and just be as impulsive as I can be, yet consider the consequences and be sure I can handle them… that’s who I think I was; a bit on the impulsive side, but let’s hope I’d overcome that!

I want to keep all the good things I have in me! I want to remain as considerate and caring as I am of those I love… I want them to care as much and not take me for granted… I want them to appreciate me and show it from time to time; I think I deserve that much.

Look at me, all I can focus on is what I don’t want again!!

I don’t want to feel as stuck as I feel right now…

I don’t want to hurt that badly by someone I care for… I can handle getting hurt by scum bags such as my x!! But people who know and see my pain; it’s just unbearable!

I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues… I am sorry blog readers if you’re burdened but this is my space and you came here willingly, and you’re also free to leave!

I don’t want to fight or struggle; it’s too draining and I already feel drained!

I am not even sure I want to post this, but I will anyway! Blogging has been how I get my unresolved issues out so that they don’t depress me, so that I can go by with my life. I am afraid that if I stop now, I will no longer be able to let anything out… so there…


P.S. sorry blog readers, you will be viewing some serious crap of the same sort unless something extraordinary happens… I am losing hope though!

5 comments:

Deeeeeee said...

Please, don't lose hope...

Abdullah said...

I felt so much anger building inside you, at least that's what your words make me feel like. Seems your anger control is not enough, you need to redirect you anger to use it in a positive constructive way, or empty that charge physically on a punching bag. Go to the beach all alone walk, run do whatever that takes your mind away, and at the end of the day read Quran from the last 2 juzu2s (parts)...you will see what a difference it makes....I wish you luck (Are you pisces by any chance? :) )

insomniac said...

deeeeeee,

i am trying :s i am afraid this is as good as it gets :-/


abdullah,

welcome to my oblivia... didn't mean for your first visit to be on such an angry post...

and btw, this was not angry enough... i am tired of trying to control my anger, it just wears me out!

i am not sure i can do any of the physical activity u described, my body tends to shake so hard when i am that upset, i feel tired before i even start moving :s will read quran tho...

i am a gemini, typical one :)
u?

Anonymous said...

Inso,

i think abdullah is pisces that's why he's asking ;)

anyway, ur anger won't be gone unless u find ur justice...and Allah is just... be sure of that.

R

insomniac said...

R,

great chances he is pisces... or i reminded him of a pisces he knows :)

I trust Allah... and i know justice will find me at some point, i just have problems with when!! anyways, that was not what THIS was about... i don't think my x is that capable of pissing me off anymore :) alhamdulilah :)