I don’t wanna talk about it!

I feel upset, hurt and angry. It’s so intense that every time I start thinking about it, somehow my thoughts keep taking me to unpleasant scenarios and conclusions that make me end up crying.

I am not even sure I can put it in well organized words because it is very chaotic in here in my head and in my heart; I wanna scream my brains and cry my heart out but I learned the hardest ways possible that it won’t make a difference. So I don’t wanna talk about it.

However, I will try to channel the negativity in another way; if it doesn’t work, then hopefully I will be distracted! So here it goes, the facts and the wonderings in no particular order…

Why has it become so hard for me to get my words out? Like I have millions and millions of thoughts that I wish I could scream out loud, but they’re trapped…

I am too sensitive; it makes it sort of unfair when I call someone insensitive because compared to me, a lot of normal people would be “insensitive”…

I get hurt so easily by those I love, and I always get too angry at them but I end up blaming myself... I always expect them to live up to my expectations; my expectations are too high for the average person to meet I guess. I have been told it is wrong of me to expect others to do for me as much as I do for them! Oh well...

I realized all that and I have been working so hard on toning it down… think more, but react less… don’t say I’m upset until I know for sure that I am, so that I can give myself time to calm down and think things through… but thinking can be tricky!

I feel like I lost my identity in my attempts of recognizing other people’s identities and being tolerant of them! Just when I start getting angry and I can feel my temper boiling up, I would stop and think what my words will do and I take off my shoes to walk in that other person’s shoes and in that process I lost track of events!!

But my shoes do hurt more!! Trust me, it’s not self pity; I don’t even know how to do that. The other person’s shoes are not painful; they may not be comfortable enough for them, but I am most certain they wouldn’t survive a minute in my painful shoes! I realize we have different shapes of feet and that the whole shoes/feet analogy is getting too smelly for my taste, but…

We are different; with all our similarities we are different!! I tried to see things from the other angle, but it pissed me off how I was patronized that way. Don’t tell me you know what it’s like, and for the love of God, DO NOT tell me you feel for me; you don’t. You don’t.

I said I didn’t wanna talk about it.

Look me suppressing my pain and anger. Look at me learning to suck it all up again.

Does it make you proud that I am growing up?? I am not growing up; I am getting old and dying inside. Don’t worry though; I won’t blame you or blame anyone else, I won’t blame fate and I won’t say “why God?”, I know why and I learned to accept it.

I just did not learn how to stop caring yet!

I mean look at the learning curve…

I learned to control my anger and put it on such a tight leash… and I can no longer vent or express my anger!

I learned to not cry… my eyes have come so dry it hurts way too much when I lose control and a few tears fill my eyes!

I learned to walk in others’ shoes… I can no longer walk in mine and I no longer know what it feels being me!

I learned that other people detach themselves as a defense mechanism, I learned how to detach myself… and here I am, completely detached from my own self!

So! I am not sure learning how to not care would be a great idea given how I take things from an extreme to another!

I don’t wanna be numb, but God help me, I am tired of the pain…

I don’t wanna be heartless, but my heart wouldn’t stop aching I can’t help but think that perhaps I am better off without…

I’ve been asked so many times about the things I want, and I always say that I find it hard to know what I want because it keeps changing! I will try to give it another go; perhaps if I think abstract, then what I want might not change that often!

I want to be me again… get angry when people offend me and give them a piece of my mind, express myself easily and clearly, and just be as impulsive as I can be, yet consider the consequences and be sure I can handle them… that’s who I think I was; a bit on the impulsive side, but let’s hope I’d overcome that!

I want to keep all the good things I have in me! I want to remain as considerate and caring as I am of those I love… I want them to care as much and not take me for granted… I want them to appreciate me and show it from time to time; I think I deserve that much.

Look at me, all I can focus on is what I don’t want again!!

I don’t want to feel as stuck as I feel right now…

I don’t want to hurt that badly by someone I care for… I can handle getting hurt by scum bags such as my x!! But people who know and see my pain; it’s just unbearable!

I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues… I am sorry blog readers if you’re burdened but this is my space and you came here willingly, and you’re also free to leave!

I don’t want to fight or struggle; it’s too draining and I already feel drained!

I am not even sure I want to post this, but I will anyway! Blogging has been how I get my unresolved issues out so that they don’t depress me, so that I can go by with my life. I am afraid that if I stop now, I will no longer be able to let anything out… so there…


P.S. sorry blog readers, you will be viewing some serious crap of the same sort unless something extraordinary happens… I am losing hope though!