May 11, 2008

No sir, not a spring person!

I don’t know if it’s the beautiful spring with all its allergies that is causing these troubles breathing, it could be!

My insomnia is hitting twice as hard lately, without the clear thinking. Usually I spend hours fighting insomnia by thinking about millions of things until my mind just lets go and surrenders to sleep; however, these days my thinking is fuzzy and blurry. I know why; I am blocking so many unpleasant thoughts, I am avoiding thinking of things I fear and I think it’s crippling my mind and my thinking capabilities. This was never me, I always acknowledged all my thoughts, and I never never ignored them that way!

He sent me a message saying that in week, we could have been together for eight years!! I can’t believe he has the nerve to mention an anniversary with all that’s going on!! And in a blaming tone!! Seriously?!! We will be meeting 3 days after the said anniversary in court where I am sure I am either gonna start screaming or crying at some point!!

I find it hard to figure why I still get angry and why my emotions show that way!! And people drive me nuts when they say I am not over him because I react that way. People!! I AM OVER HIM, I promise. I am just not over the consequences of it all. How can I be when day in and day out I am reminded that I am still married to him? And how can I be over all this when the only way I can still tap into my ability of using words is when I am hiding behind a monitor!! I have become too quiet in real life, I am scaring myself!!

My friend H noticed that my eyes just seem to lose recognition of my surroundings when I am left alone for a while! She said they used to be brighter, and they usually are when I am talking, but once I stop talking and look the other way as I think of whatever, she can see them dimming!! She asked me to talk about the thoughts that I have at those moments, and found myself shaking my head and telling her I no longer recognized those thoughts!! They just take over my mind and my heart leaving traces of unexplainable sadness that show in my eyes without leaving a trace in my memory.

I would call my therapist and set a meeting to check if I have hit some serious mental instability just yet, but I am not willing to talk to anyone about what I have in mind! I just said I have no definite recollection of it, but I know I can get it all out if I put my mind to it. Except that I don’t think I want to. I am afraid of finding out whatever makes my eyes go dim and sad; I am afraid if I knew it, it would take over my soul and leave me without my ability to be ME.


Rasha said...

They just can't get it.
I can be over the person...when he doesn't mean anything beautiful to me.only regret i ever thought of him as a man! yet i can't be over the scar it caused me...the hurt that pulses all the time even in my sleep and even if for some reason i laugh and chat with friends.
Some feelings are just incomprehensible and people will never begin to understand unless they try it themselves.
On another note, therapy is a hard long process BUT it pays off BIG TIME...maybe we can never understand why cause the question itself is so lame and disabling...but focus is a treasure not only a skill and that must be taught.
May Allah bless you.

insomniac said...

rasha :)

EXACTLY!! thanks for making me feel understood; it meant a lot :)

as for therapy, i was just writing a post!! i shall finish it up in a while i suppose..

but ur right, WHY is a very disabling question; it leaves us with desperation and the same lack of understanding!

Allah bless us all dear... thanks :)