December 14, 2008

On half-asleep hallucinations coming true!


Last night I went to bed thinking about redecorating my room. I am already buying a placard and bunkers and I was considering changing my bed. Also, my mom said something about how stained my walls seem to be, which gave me courage to say that I HATE the yellow with passion and I would really like a new color; I really don’t know what I was thinking choosing that shade. In my defense, I was pregnant and depressed and someone said yellow was cheerful, it’s not, it actually makes me wanna poke my eyes when I am headachy and have to look at yellow walls!!

I ended up having a weird dream of my x. Actually, the dream was more of an extension to his occasional calling and my redecorating ideas. We were furniture shopping and he kept stopping at bedrooms and choosing stuff he’d buy for us!! It freaked me out and I asked him why he’d be buying me a new bedroom, and he said because he wanted me back. I swear, that had a nightmare effect on me that I woke up and rushed to bathroom and kept washing my face with ice-cold water telling myself over and over again I was not going back to him.

Then we had that phone call today. Apparently, I’m somewhat psychic, he was supposed to get the keys to the apartment we planned to move into when we first got married, and he called asking if I wanted to join him. After I gave him my it’s-non-of-my-business attitude, and after he kept saying that he was planning to furnish that place so that the boys and I would move there, I couldn’t help remembering my dream/nightmare of earlier. I’ve been noticing how he’d subtly hint to the old days when we were love birds and I have politely and also subtly pointed out that he shouldn’t. That was when this happened…

Me: ok, you call a lot, and I am too busy to meet and discuss our divorce settlement, so how about we do it over the phone?
Him: come on, such things cannot be discussed over the phone
Me: trust me, it should take less time than your daily calls, and I meant we should talk headlines and meet to discuss details later, at least so that both of us would be prepared…
Him: we’ll disagree, and it’s harder to convince you to stay on the phone than it is to make you stay when we’re sitting somewhere
Me: I wouldn’t count on that if I were you
Him: shayfa, adeena ekhtalafna
Me: ok then, until I figure out when we can meet stop calling
Him: (bla bla bla, I really don’t remember what he said)
Me: (bla bla bla, I was probably answering his bla bla)
Him: ok, law 3ayza nenfesel, yeb2a by February, I don’t have money to settle el mo2akhar before that
Me: but I told you so many times before, I do not want that money; you can put it in a fund for the boys, or use it to furnish that apartment if we should move there, but I am not taking money from you
Him: bas da law 3ayza nanfesel…
Me: ok, let me say that clearly enough, esmaha nettala2, nenfesel has a nos nos kinda meaning, like how we are now, we’re separated but we’re neither married nor divorced…
Him: (in a weird tone) ok, nettala2, ma3 enny shayef enaha fekra ghabeya…
Me: (thinking NOT AGAIN) we elly e7na feeh da mesh ghabawa!!! It’s not right by any means, so please don’t make me go over it again!!
Him: (in a cautious and hesitant tone) ana mesh asdy nefdal keda, ana asdi nerga3…
Me: (oh my God, NOOOOOO) no… no!
Him: but why, just talk it through without losing your temper…
Me: you’re asking me why? Ok, how many reasons do you want???
Him: khalas, no need to humiliate me
Me: (feeling bad for a split second that I squished his ego) ok… so what is your divorce settlement?
Him: ok then, I plan to pay for the boys’ education, medical care, clothes and such needs plus a monthly allowance, I just don’t know how much I can commit to yet…
Me: (really?!!!!!) in that case, I think it’s ok, thanks…
Him: right… so when do we meet?
Me: I’ll contact my lawyer and ask him to prepare the necessary documents, and will call you
Him: is that it?
Me: (I don’t want any mushy BS about the way we were) hey, I gotta go, my sis is calling, mocha needs a change, salam
Him: tesba7y 3ala kheir
Me: wenta men ahloh, bye

If he really meant it, and if he was as hurt as he sounded, then I am sorry. I just don’t think it’s ok to live with someone whom I no longer love, trust or respect. There is nothing he can do that can fix that, but there is a million other things he can do to fix whatever happened between us by being a good father to his boys. He’s still the immature man who tried and almost broke me, and I doubt he’s good father material, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t close my eyes real hard and hope for the best; after all, I can’t waste my kids’ chance of having a half decent father.

Something tells me he will end up being his same old self, and I will end up ranting about it here.

15 comments:

The.I.inside said...

that X of yours won't leave you alone even in your dreams, that's lousy. couldn't help but feel glad that you hurt him, kept thinking it's called Karma boy! suck it up.
can't help but tell you for the millionth time you are a real good mother, after all what he put you through , you are trying to give him a chance for your kids sake. hope he comes through for their sake, but won't be surprised if he don't

insomniac said...

btw, it did not feel great hurting him; surprisingly i almost cried myself!!! i did not even think i have it in me to be that... i don't know, kind!! i mean i know he's asking me to go back because he likes his life better when i am there, not because he realizes his mistakes, not because he wouldn't hurt me all over again... and even if he did, i just don't have it in me to think what if...

and oh my God. he just called and he dwelled more into that... as much as i liked myself a lot for being able to talk to him without any trace of emotion, i hated how he kept hinting that he wants me back, i still have goose pumps at the idea!!!! i guess it's bothering me to the extent that i might write a post!!!

The.I.inside said...

you actually felt like crying because you hurt him ! what about all the times he made YOU cry?, I dunno. maybe am just a little vengeful person or maybe plain evil.
but what goes around comes around. anyway don't let him use guilt to make you hurt yourself, he really deserve what's he's getting.
it's actually starting to feel as if he wants to wear you down, until you are so tired and just want him to stop that you would tell him yes. I once read a novel where she answer yes to a proposal just so the guy would stop asking, not very bright of her i might add, but neither is you X.

insomniac said...

i literally sensed your disbelief!!

trust me, i know exactly what you mean... i am the vengeful type, ask anyone!!! i have sick scenarios of how i think justice should be applied on certain people, i am extremely shocked at myself!!!

and btw, i remember all! not the details, i blocked the painful details, but i remember their effect on me, and let me tell ya, i have one hell of a strong memory! i remember how depressed, humiliated, hurt, broken, un-fixable, and every other negative emotion i once felt on his account.... it's what keeps me from forgiving him, and i think it's also why i push myself to talk to him, to prove to myself that i would not let any of that get to who i am... barabeeny!

i am actually writing that post!

hurricane_x said...

Ok,...
When I mess up or do something wrong to someone I care about, I do whatever it takes to prove my good sincere intentions and resentment to what I've done.
It's that simple and u don't need anyone to teach u how to do it!
It's just that I can't figure out why he's so persistent while he's doing minimal effort to at least regain some of ur respect!!

insomniac said...

what can i say, ur normal :))

Umslopagas said...

Indifference is the most powerful hurting machine I've encountered.

It's never about what you're faced with from a person, it's about how that person lets loose his negative feelings at you.

I remember once someone had told me something that really hurt, it wasn't what was said that hurt, it was how she went back to her phonecall as if she'd said nothing, this was frustrating, humiliating and I was praying for a thunderbolt to just blast me into oblivion.

I wouldn't use it on anyone myself.

Shimaa Gamal said...

Keep expecting the worst but don't stop hoping for a good end.
It will end anyway. The worst case scenario will still hold an end.
Yet keep expecting the worst, he is not a man of his words. He is only buying himself time to plan another attack.

Maybe this is the 1st time to tell you so, but don't ever compromise urself for ur kids. Don't try hard to maintain their father in their lives. He is supposed to be the one walking that extra mile so if he chose not don't ever beg him to be their father. Your children need you to be happy. So always be happy and don't let anyone or anything ruin ur children mood by ruining ur's

Frustrated said...

I don't know, but it doesn't feel good!!! mesh 3agebni el 7ewar kolo!! mesh 3arfa leah me2ala2a menek!! w ba3dain ana lesa bardo bas2al, howa 3aiez eah? el shakl el egtema3i zai ma2olti 2abl keda? bas?! bardo mesh moktane3a!
Any way, tab3an howa psycho, baina ya3ni, bas bardo 7'ali balek w taweli balek w rakezi w 7iat waldek:)

insomniac said...

umslopagas,

you might be right about indifference, but to me, indifference will always be a blessing... it took me quite a lot to get here, i can't be anything but grateful :))

and believe it or not, i don't reject him for kicks, and i don't do it with a gloating attitude! but i can't pretend to care for him; it's not like me to fake caring, it's either i do or i don't...


shimz,

don't worry babe, ana mesh bagy 3ala nafsy, i know better :)

he doesn't bother me half as much as he used to, and i don't compromise my peace for the boys, i just don't wanna let my prejudice, my rightfully justified prejudice, to keep me from doing what's right...


eh ya frustrated??

me2ala2a menny leeh??? i don't know if u know me that well, but in case you have doubts, la, no way back :))) lal 3a2l wala el manteq aslan ye2olo en feh gher tala2!!

what did u mean bel shakl el egtema3i??? mesh fahma, ur pro separation wala pro divorce?? i know ur definitely not pro this marriage ;)) well, u know how ppl in the family already know i am almost divorced although it's never been discussed, i'd like to get it over with ba2a... el mawdoo3 ba2a wala el mosalsal el 3araby!

ana bali ba2a taweel, u do know how i was like :) adena a3deen netfarrag, takhdy feshar??

Anonymous said...

ok...I think for the first time I sympathized with him..don't get mad at me :) ...i just hope he's not pretending , and wish he is really honest about the kids part at least..even if he's changed bla bla bla ...you lost it(love,respect,understanding,trust)..so there's nothing he can do to undo this , and if he really deserves a second chance and learnt his lessons and changed his negatives and immaturity , maybe with someone else that is...not you.
btw did you think of room color yet? I suggest lila :))

Best Wishes,
R

R

insomniac said...

It's ok ya R, i get what you mean :))

but he's the same person i walked away from, he's just starting to realize he did something wrong but would not change who he is....

anyways, if he means what he says regarding the boys, that's a start... for him to be a better father because like you said, it's over as far as i'm concerned!

i don't like mauve shades, light ones that is... i am more into darker shades :)) meaning i would go for plum or something!! luckily, i have a room fairly big, so dark colors won't ruin the space... i am thinking dark red, i can't shake it off!!

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insomniac said...

thanks anon for your words, always appreciated :)

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