July 14, 2009

On being a parent, the things they never told me!


I know I am not alone and I surely know I have it a lot better than other people, alhamdulilah.

However, that does not deny me the right to rant and wonder how to make it better, no???

So here is the deal…

I have two boys, ages (almost) 4 and 2, we live with my family (father, mother, two sisters), my father is usually away Wednesdays to Saturdays and the boys see their dad on Fridays.

Anyone who’s followed my blog long enough would know for a fact that the their father is “zay 3adamo” as an efficient father figure; his only job is to spoil them rotten in the sense of “you’re missing out on lots of fun” which the kids do not pick up on much due to their short attention span. Their father is the same guy who calls me on my cell phone around 5 times when I take a bathroom break away from them and decide to sit down and have coffee to help me survive the stressful outing. AND, he’s the very same guy who keeps receipts of clothes, toys and meals he buys them!!!!! Do I really need to say more?!

I love my kids to pieces; I mean yeah, I whine 30 hours a day about how I miss being just myself without worrying about others the way I do... and yeah I run away in outings with friends whenever possible… but when I am out and I see other people’s kids within the same age as mine, I almost cry because I miss them!! I almost feel my uterus contracting like when they used to be in it and kick!!!!! It makes me feel guilty, an emotion I am not that much used to… momken awy la2enny 7aloofa!

That’s still not the issue; that was an introduction because I am a very talkative person…

Beem (my almost 4 year old) as cute as he is, is showing signs of needing tarbeyah, which I think is critical at his age if I want him to be a half decent human being at some stage of his life, hopefully right after surviving the horrid teenage years.

Looks wise, I think he looks a lot like me despite how everyone keeps saying he takes more after his dad. The reason I am mentioning the looks is that I don’t want anyone out there saying that I am emotionally unstable because he reminds me of his dad that way.

But the poor thing takes after his dad; he’s too analytical, he has very selective memory, he LOVES preaching and arguing like there’s no tomorrow, he never takes the blame and when he does it’s ALWAYS justified, and he uses his charm to get away with EVERYTHING!! For the astrological people out there, his dad is Libra and he’s Virgo; these are more or less the stuff they have in common as sunsigns too!

Now, I keep reminding myself that those things are general things about kids, but let me be accurate; he takes them to the next level!!! And I also realize few of those are good stuff if they’re developed the right way, but I don’t know how to, especially that they remind me of his dad a lot which makes me overreact, yes, I am aware that I do overreact and I am trying to control it!

I appreciate Beem’s IQ, and I love how he is so analytical to the extent that he doesn’t miss a single detail! I like how he remembers things I said; it keeps me on my toes keeping all the promises I make him, but it drives me crazy how he would just pretend to not remember my specific instructions, yes I know he’s only 4, but I have lately realized I can be a perfectionist Nazi (and an ethics Nazi like my friend was telling me)! His arguing skills impress me; very few people leave me speechless the way he does, but the kid has to know at some point that it can be annoying like hell!! And I won’t even comment on placing blame and getting out of it with charm, it makes me want to kill him, and then I look at his cute little face and I want to keep kissing his cheeks and eyes; he’s my CUTE Beem!!

And there’s another problem, the kid barely hangs with people from his gender aside from the rest of boys at the daycare! Between my dad being away and being entitled as a grandparent to spoil him rotten and his dad being a spoilt brat, I don’t have a strong authoritative figure who can also be a role model, which leaves me to do that role! Like I needed more reason to be more “man-like”! Now, I yell in thick scary voice when I have to, I do the threatening walk, and sometimes I hit… my heart aches when I overhear my mom telling him “hatesma3 el kalam walla 2a2ool le mama 3aleik” the way she used to tell me “haaaah, 2a2ool le baba!!”; I don't want to be the bad guy to my kids, not that kind of bad guy anyways... I've always pictured us being more like friends, not really happening :'(

I hate it when I am angry at him, especially that he is so sensitive; all I really want is for him to be able to realize right and wrong on his own and stand up and admit it when he’s wrong and be a man about it!! I realize very few men behave that way, and I realize the little thing is not even 4 yet, and I can tell I am being cruel, but I am scared of the alternative!! I don’t want to be one of those parents who bring more jerks into the world and end up defending their sick actions because there’s nothing that they can do about it!! My friend tells me that being too righteous is just as bad because it might actually lead to the same outcome, and the sad thing is that he’s right and I know it, but it’s HARD to figure out a balance, let alone keeping it!!

And that was just Beem!!!

I have double the worry about Mocha because he copycats his own brother and adds up more attitude since he’s the trouble maker!! I also have to watch out for sibling jealousy and be really smart about it when one of them tries to get the other in trouble (Mocha is a master doing it to Beem!!!), and I have to be very subtle about teaching them a lesson and being fair especially with how hillarious Mocha is (I respond better to good sense of humor than I do to charm!)

I feel tired just writing this, I can’t even imagine having to live it day to day, let alone doing it right!

I love them, I REALLY do, but I keep thinking “I didn’t sign up for this, I wasn’t even that enthusiastic about becoming a mother” (yeah not so motherly of me to say it!!)… A friend of my father laughs and tells me “if you do all the things your dad did with you, you’ll be safe; you and your sisters turned out great”, as sweet as it is, it’s not exactly true; MOREOVER, I am not the father in this scenario, I am the single mother and it makes it twice as hard especially when the other party is such a bad influence and barely acts as any sort of support!!
I don’t know how to be like my father when I still feel like one BIG child myself! I don’t think I’m fit to behave like an adult just yet!! I see now why baba did so many things I once disliked, and I feel for him.

When did it become not-ok to cry and kick the floor when things didn’t go my way!!

12 comments:

Ice Queer said...

As Gemini as u r, u r SO overreacting! He's only 4 for crying out loud! =P
Try 2 take Mocha on ur side and use reverse psychology with Beem, and talk with Mocha about it and ask him to be a little role model to Beem!

Also u can ask ur shrink's help and advice and btw they r way too young to have a "friendship" relationship with them so don't worry =)

insomniac said...

hahhaa

as a gemini, i am overreacting in my head aktar, yet, somehow i forget all about it until i have time to reflect on my behavior with them!!!

i know he's only 4 and i know i am moftareya that way, but i think fe 7agat lazem tetgheres fel wa7ed as early as possible...

mocha meen elly on my side, da what they call "sheikh mansar", 3esaba motakawena men tefl who looks a LOT less than 2 btw!!! if it wasn't for his loud high pitch voice, i wouldn't have noticed him!!

mocha is only 2, so no discussion works... his attention span doesn't last long enough for a sentence :)))

i wish dr. magdi were still alive... would have taken beem to color there, he sure loves coloring!!

we currently have a "who-teases-mommy" relationship except when we're having "elly-haykhaleeny-aza3a2-hayeddereb" relationship :))

Ice Queer said...

Lol am sorry I read 2 as 12 =$

tayeb now if u fixed beem, u'll fix mocha =D

insomniac said...

LOOOL

12!!! i'm 28!!! i must have had him at the age of 16!!! and seriously, do i sound like a mother of a 12 year old already!!!

and about the "fixing"... key word "if" :))))

Ice Queer said...

Haha I always hate maths thu I was clever in it =D

jessyz said...

This might be helpful
http://www.positiveparenting.com/resources/resources.html

Good luck!

Sou-One-Canobee said...

I am the last one to talk about parents since I am the sole reason of spoiling my 7 years old nephew to pieces. I just love kids but can never imagine myself being a mum I think I would cause damage beyond repair so will spare them and my the agnoy.
As for you I think you would be a great mum and would not be the reason why more jerks are running around Mot in a milion years.

insomniac said...

thanks jessy ;)))


Sou,

you're too cute!

i am not that much into kids!!!! like a kid has to be extremely cute and adorable and funny to make me smile at them, and they have to be really smart to get me to spend time with them...

back when i was pregnant i prayed day and night that my kids won't be dull because i wouldn't know what to do with them... ALHAMDULILAH they're anything but dull :) but they're such a challenge... and i love them a lot more than my heart can handle!! sub7an Allah!!

bottom line, when it comes to your own kids, you will be a huge pile of mush!!!! and if you're anything like me, it will scare the crap out of you because you'd want the reason behind your mushiness to be the best in the world!!!! in my case (3ashan ana mesh perfectionist wala 7aga) i just want them to be good :))))

Mim said...

Take my advise serious.

My parents were separated, this is no big deal. Children can cope and can be better than their peers.

I am 25+ now, successful at work. At that late age I found out something is missing.

Being away from my father, and having no close men relatives, as in your case, had a passive effect on me.

Your children need to see a real man example in front of them. They need to know ok, our parents were spearated, but there are good and robust families like .... This is how we should do in our future famililes.

They need to know how men deal with each other, they need to see how a man make friends. Engage them in such activities.

May Allah help you in that tough job you are doing.

insomniac said...

Mim

you're saying you coped and then you said you realized something was missing!! you're confusing me in a way!

i understand what you're saying about my boys needing to see a valid example of how men behave and their need to understand that the norm is that families survive yet accept it when they don't...

i still don't know how to do it, it's not like i can ask every male friend of mine to give the boys private tutoring on how to perceive things... it's not the way to go you see... oh well

thanks...

Mim said...

Let me clarify what confused you.

When I said I cope, I mean I showed outstanding ruslts at college, I am working in a reputable comapny. I have a career. There is no apparent effect.

When I say something is missing, I found out after college friends are gone each in his way, that I can't make true connection with male friends. I found myself very lonely. I feel there are a lot to learn about dealing in life.

I have the fear of not being a successful parent as I didn't see any :) . I am reading books about family and parenting from now.

It is said that being out of divorced family adds to your propability of having one youself.

I don't want to add to your pressure and fears, bas bgd I want to help the young guys.

I am sure you can find the way, through your dad, some uncle to them. They need a man they feel comfortable to talk to.

insomniac said...

i don't know you, and i only know what you told me, but here are a couple of things that came to mind when i read your comment....

- good parenting is part instinct and part practice with patience, or so i think... of course having a good example in mind might help, but it's not always enough because after all, it's a different feel when you're the one in charge.....not that i am an expert of course!!

- perhaps coming from a broken up family adds up to the probability of failing a marriage, but it's not a rule... my parents are married and here i am, divorced... i know of people who mA have stable families although their parents were divorced... relationships and marriage "it depends..." is the only concept that's actually valid...

my point was to advise you to worry less about what's to come and separate your life to come from your parents'... i am sensing you have the heart to want it to work, and this is a good place to start, but sometimes obsessing about things doesn't help either....

sorry for the unnecessary blabber...