September 6, 2009

Friend of Foe?


Do I see the good in people because it's actually there or just because I desperately want to see it?

And by seeing what could be fake-good, am I setting my hopes too high only to fall after disappointment shatters my silly expectations?

It makes me both angry and confused that everyone else views what I see a nice gesture as a twisted and conniving move.

How stupid, delusional, and naïve must I be? Na2a, at this point, I am not unique or kind or even innocent, I must be plain HABLA, not to mention color blind if I fail to see what everyone else sees in bright colors!! I am still not even sure who’s right, those around me or myself?

Could it possibly be that I refuse to see the bad like everyone else because somehow it might diminish my self-worth – people are playing nice because they want something out of me, not because I deserve it…

Or is it simply because I do by people as I like them to do by me!

I can’t believe I still expect the truth from everyone just because I lay my cards as I promise in my most reassuring tone that I will not flee even if it’s not to my liking.

I have honored my word every single time; I have always told the truth, and I kept a straight face and even a compassionate tonee when told things others would reject, and I never showed any signs of dismay.

As hard as it is to believe, that I’d rather be insulted right to my face than be lied to or used without my knowing?

Why the games? Why the possibility of being played? Ufff!

People ask for honesty a lot more often than they can handle it, and more importantly a lot more often than they are willing to give it…

I will never understand people; how could I possibly when I fail to understand myself on daily basis?!

Mesh la3ba!

I don’t want to understand people, I don’t even care about understanding myself anymore; by the time I do I will either be dead or too old to make any use out of it!

But my question still lingers – have people become that cynical or am I that out of place and the world has gone bad a lot more than I can possibly think?!

9 comments:

The.I.inside said...

I think you see good in people because it's inside YOU, that's a basic rule that apply to most people I have to admit that although I work hard not to set my hopes up high, I still get surprised a lot, when people stoop to that level, you are not naive you are someone who was well raised

Abdelsalam Rashad said...

Dont expect much from people these days. Just remember that true friends are very rare. So if u have only one thats enough and never let go.

insomniac said...

I and Abdelsalam,

it's very hard for me to believe that people lack what's good... very hard!!!

and to think that i am cynical!

yes, i have trust issues, i have too many issues for that matter, perhaps one of which is wanting to see things like they are in my utopia... and i wishing and hoping that i'd be right about people from time to time!

ibhog said...

your latest question brought alloy to me - it summarizes the all time attempt of talking to a wall that never responds back.

I don't know, good and bad, right and wrong, black and white - they can be very clear to us. For me, I'm a black and white person, but I always ask myself this: okay champ, since you're all honest and clear, what are you going to do about people?

Because my standards usually turn out to click on very different levels with people than expected, sometimes in extremes - my black is someone else's white, and vice versa!

So my honesty can sometimes be in the very wrong place! And me trying to cope and be cynical usually ends up badly as well - and things wound up with me hating the fact that I should think that way about people.

So lately, and though this might sound erroneous, I gave up my scoping treat, I am now satisfied with what life brings on me, acquaintances and friends, ones that I click with on the nearest levels - and that's pretty much it.

I'm tired of thinking and thinking and thinking - mesh la3eb is actually quite the description from my state of affairs now. I just need to be friends with someone nice, someone who'll give me something new, add to my mornings, someone who'll break the routine that's been crunching my back all day long.

I don't have expectations any more, be them good or bad. I don't hold any one accountable for anything, I stopped being sensitive, or even picky.

'Just friends' is my motto now, no digging up things in the basement, because, and lemme be honest here, people's basements are messy, we're all messy somehow, so why not exploit just some shallowness in that area, in hopes for better communication.

A good friend will agree with you when you say anything and do anything - they're just like family, only better, they come with understanding, they will contain you, with your perks and with your baddies.

They can harm you, but it'll never be in their evil intents. They can spoil you, but only because they think it'd make you better. They can lie to you because they care about how you feel, and they may be too honest with you sometimes, but only because they trust you.

The secret is in the 'clicking', do your frequencies match?

If they match, they can build up to great eternal friendships, the ones who took it easy all the way to the end, the ones who took their natural course without mental maneuvers getting in the way.

Those are the ones that matter .. good and bad in their book is sometimes overrated.

Just as it is in families - right and wrong is sooo overrated.

--

That was me thinking loudly again - incomprehensible but you may dig up something insightful after all, like I do with my own self all the time.

:)

insomniac said...

ibhog,

i know exactly what you mean by accepting what life brings you... up until recently, i was in the exact place and it felt great! i still feel the same about most things actually!

but sometimes things get complicated without any anticipation from your side and you find yourself wondering if a friendship is worth investing? could that friend cause harm? it could be me, but at this stage of my life, harm is something i better be extra aware of!

i wish i could stop being sensitive or picky, but it's who i am!! i am not too sensitive and picky about my friends in general, but there are things that just get to me!

your description of friends is perfect... problem is before you get to that comfort zone with a friend; is he/she worthy enough of your blind trust? and my trust can be really blind, and as far as my friends are concerned, there is nothing i wouldn't trust them with!

it comes down to: "is that friend really a friend material, or will i find out he/she is not after i had trusted them a lot more than i should have?"

there are relationships in life (friends or otherwise) that are just easy and relaxed and require minimum maintenance, yet very fulfilling; i have friends with whom i feel that way, it's amazing... but there are relationships that keep you on your toes wondering; they're fun and challenging, but they get to you when they become serious, this is when they might turn sour, especially for an over-analyzer like me :)

would it be fair to toss away a relationship of the latter kind because it's "easier" or "safer"? aren't we supposed to work hard for certain things because of what we learn from them? or are those just signs that it's not worth it?

i don't know! i wish i did, bas ana olt mesh la3ba el yoomein dool; let things be whatever they might be!

Anonymous said...

I dunno Inso, but i feel ppl have stopped caring ... i mean they don't like to go the extra mile and wait for others to do it for them...everyone is on guards because of "possible" betrayal , cautious is the word.

And I feel ppl are taking the friendship term very lightly , they think by hanging out and laughing together that’s what it’s all about !

I have a “closeness” problem , I like to always keep a distance for a very mysterious reason that I haven’t figured out , whenever I feel someone is getting too close I just feel I want to run! I appreciate friendship a huge deal , I can never betray a friend or break my promise with them , I can say I’m loyal but it’s just that closeness thing , it’s very weird ! I’m aloof and prefer being lonely most of the time that’s why ..but on the other hand I’m very interested in ppl and what they feel and listening to their ideas it’s very contradicting and confusing , it’s not about trust, I can feel when to trust and when not to .

You’re good with analysis right?? Analyze this :P

R

insomniac said...

R,

that's the thing, once someone is a friend in my book, there is no mile i wouldn't go for them, ask around!! and it never feels like it's the slightest amount of effort, that's why it's scary to think that someone could possibly use that!!!

analysis! you're asking me to analyze! it's like giving a cigarette to someone who wants to quit!

ummm, could it be because you were majorly disappointed at someone to whom you were really close?

Mohaly said...

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder :)

insomniac said...

even if the beholder is blind?

even if there's no beauty really?