September 6, 2009
Friend of Foe?
Do I see the good in people because it's actually there or just because I desperately want to see it?
And by seeing what could be fake-good, am I setting my hopes too high only to fall after disappointment shatters my silly expectations?
It makes me both angry and confused that everyone else views what I see a nice gesture as a twisted and conniving move.
How stupid, delusional, and naïve must I be? Na2a, at this point, I am not unique or kind or even innocent, I must be plain HABLA, not to mention color blind if I fail to see what everyone else sees in bright colors!! I am still not even sure who’s right, those around me or myself?
Could it possibly be that I refuse to see the bad like everyone else because somehow it might diminish my self-worth – people are playing nice because they want something out of me, not because I deserve it…
Or is it simply because I do by people as I like them to do by me!
I can’t believe I still expect the truth from everyone just because I lay my cards as I promise in my most reassuring tone that I will not flee even if it’s not to my liking.
I have honored my word every single time; I have always told the truth, and I kept a straight face and even a compassionate tonee when told things others would reject, and I never showed any signs of dismay.
As hard as it is to believe, that I’d rather be insulted right to my face than be lied to or used without my knowing?
Why the games? Why the possibility of being played? Ufff!
People ask for honesty a lot more often than they can handle it, and more importantly a lot more often than they are willing to give it…
I will never understand people; how could I possibly when I fail to understand myself on daily basis?!
I don’t want to understand people, I don’t even care about understanding myself anymore; by the time I do I will either be dead or too old to make any use out of it!
But my question still lingers – have people become that cynical or am I that out of place and the world has gone bad a lot more than I can possibly think?!