Never Been Happier!!

I don’t think I can put in words, but for the sake of all the sadness on this blog, I should at least try! So excuse the incoherence and inadequate choice of words; I’m too happy to actually find the right words to describe any of it!

I knew Rasha was on to something when I saw two of my friends recently added to her list of friends. She hid the FB notification, but she couldn’t hide their becoming mutual friends from me; strangely enough, I stumbled on her profile accidentally!!!

All I wanted was to sit somewhere quiet where Rasha, D and whomever of my friends would join for a get together. I knew it was not that easy given how not all of my friends know one another and I didn’t even ask or say how it would be great. I told a couple of my friends to join so casually so that they wouldn’t feel urged to since it was my birthday and all!

I lost track of my doubts about Rasha planning something; she was really subtle, she was not too hectic or too nervous for me to tell. Actually, she was too calm and quiet and she managed to orchestrate everything and divide the distraction equally among the rest of my friends. I always thought I’d figure you out Rasha because of how nervous you get when you’re on to something!!!

Mayo & Dee called me on my way to go some scarf shopping and made me change my plans. I drove the kids home, met with the girls to do my scarf shopping, and planned to go to the hair dresser’s for some pampering! Dee claimed she needed to shop for a very specific top in order to stall, and Mayo was about to buy a hideous golden belt just to keep me distracted. We went to shops we never shop in and poor Dee actually tried on a set of hideous stuff and made me laugh until I got cramps!!!!!

Not just that, they made me try an outfit and had me buy it because it looked good on me. Mayo urged me to change into that outfit so that I’d be wearing something new on my birthday. I love the outfit and I’d wear it everyday to remind me of the evening I had!

Honestly, the girls did all they could to keep me away from Condetti until everyone was there to surprise me! They even arranged with my sis to buy me some time at home so that I won’t have to be home early. Really appreciated that!

Although I take pride in my ability to connect the dots, I must say everyone did a great job yesterday distracting me that despite all the signs I just stopped suspecting anything!

I still laugh at how I stumbled on Mayo & Dee all parked and getting out of the car to beat me to Condetti and surprise me after I had supposedly left them, yet I didn't pick on it much when Dee said she had forgotten her jacket in my car (which she did)! Or parking right behind Will’s car and thinking “doesn’t will drive a similar car?!” and then shaking it off!! 2al connect the dots 2al, ya fde7ty!

I was carrying my pillowcase of a laptop and walking into Condetti aiming for the non-smoking area when I noticed how the waiters had somehow blocked my way so that I’d head for the smoking area where almost everyone was laughing while waiting for me, (did you guys scream surprise, I honestly can’t remember!!)

I saw my sisters, D, Will, Mayo & Dee and I was shaken and shivering and mumbling stuff, I can’t really remember; all I remember is that I was actually surprised and happy!

Before I noticed, either Mayo or Dee placed the Derby Hat on my head while Will was giving me my birthday gift (thanks for the perfume, you know I love!) The moment I felt the hat on my head I asked about Rasha for I’ve been nagging for God knows how long for one!!(I wore it to work today)

I sat next to my D and my body couldn’t stop shaking from all the happiness and excitement. I never knew I could shake and shiver that way out of happiness; I have only tried it when I was angry! It feels AMAZING when you’re happy!

A while later, Rasha arrived.

I sat there feeling like I couldn’t possibly be happier!

A while later A joined and I just didn’t think he was gonna make it!!

And just as I thought that was it and was about to get comfy and adjusted to the amazing surprises, Ahmed joined!!! Now Rasha, that was beyond any expectations and I was SHOCKED, in a very good way.

I couldn’t believe how sweet and friendly Ahmed was… such a nice guy!

I kept getting hot and cold episodes which made me shiver; you see, I don’t think I am used to that much happiness!! Remembering it, I can still shiver!! A kept saying I was crazy complaining about how hot then shivering!

I ended up sitting on the couch next to D leaning on her shoulder. For a while there, I sat there and watched everyone talking, joking and laughing and I secreting wondered to myself “All those people gathered to make a remarkably good day! I must have done something amazing in my life to deserve that much effort out of each and everyone one of them” I felt loved, and it felt GREAT!

Ahmed said I should say a speech!

It couldn’t be any cheesier, but it was genuine!! Yes, I had no wishes to think of, I had all I could possibly ask for, friends who were there to make me happy and who would go to such measures to do it!

That was when each wished me something. I got sweet wishes and funny wishes, and even wishes that I was promised wouldn’t come true ;) not to mention wishes that got my sis hit!

Before Ahmed left he asked me to choose a song for him to sing me on my birthday. I had too many in mind but I thought I should ask for my “feel good song”; Somewhere Beyond the Sea. And he sang it :)

And then there was my “cake”… gardal Profitrole!!!

Rasha!! You managed to orchestrate a day made of my favorite things!!! And you had such a perfect team, even the ones who couldn’t make it were amazing.

I couldn’t be happier and I seriously couldn’t be more grateful!!

You guys are leaving me speechless!! How could I possibly do the same for you? I couldn’t possibly top what you’ve done for me even if I tried!!!!!!

I am speechless… I am happy… and I am eternally grateful…

This is by all means the best birthday I’ve ever had!

THANKS!

Grateful!

A year ago, I wished for something extraordinary for my birthday.

Throughout the year, I had one constant wish; get my divorce before I turn 28.

That was the gift May (the month) promised, and that’s the gift it delivered after too much anticipation. I am no longer his wife. Although I have not been his wife all through the past two years, it feels good to know that no law binds me to him anymore.

May also threw in another gift, my best friend D is back to Egypt for good. I can still remember August 2007 when I was crying my heart out because she was moving there for two years. It’s funny how I can almost cry again at the thought of her leaving me alone in the midst of all my drama; makes me twice as grateful that she’s back. Of course she’s still jet-lagging her brains off, but we have all the time to catch up.

For the first time in a long time I have no great wishes for my birthday, only small material ones like a pair of shoes I liked or some accessories I am too broke to spare money buying after my last online shopping spree (yes hints for my sisters)!

Otherwise, I am thankful that way!! I have no wish for ultimate happiness because I would like to believe that I have it in me to see the little happiness-es that come my way and help me through crappy days, and I am old enough to realize it counts for a lot more than a grand happiness disappearing due to a horrible tragedy.

So June, you can come peacefully without any promises of things getting better. Oh ok, promise me I won’t look 28, and neither will I look 30 in two years :)

I am still trying to figure out how I will spend tomorrow, I’m contemplating taking the day off and doing all sorts of things that randomly come to mind. I wish I could see all my friends at the same time, but my friends are too diverse to gather in one place and have fun, so I will just make myself time with each at a time... it's actually good because this way I get to expand my birthday to more than just one day ;)

Tomorrow I turn 28, and I have enough good things in my life that make up for the not so good ones!

This year, no birthday blues for a change :)

Regardless what my mood is, my kids know how to put a smile on my face :)

Beem fell and banged his head so hard the last day in Ramadan. It was horrible, we were all in tears and we worried it would be something as serious as my infamous head injuries (at the ages of 1 and 13!!) As he was crying he heard me asking my sis to bring some ice, in the midst of his tears he said “la2 mesh 3ayez talg, el wawa ra7et khalaas”




A couple of hours later, he was jumping up and down and he kinda bumped his head, only really minor bumps that do not compare to that big bang, I ended up threatening him “law etkhabat tany, ana ely ha2oom adrabak” I know it’s eftera menny, but it was too much stress!

The same night he came and sat next to me and patted my arm and kissed it saying “mammy, enty konty 3ayaty leeh”
Me: 3ashan bemm 7abeeby et3awar
Beem: 3ashan ana kont ba3ayat
Me: ah
Beem: khalas ana mesh ha3ayat, ana kowayes ahoh
Me (hugging him so hard): ana ba7ebak awy ya bembemaya
Beem: ana ba7ebik ya mammy *kiss*

El walad da ezzay 7enayen keda!


Beem (rushing to me crying): mammy mocha kharbeshny
Me (I could hear mocha crying so loudly): wenta 3amalt feeh eh
Beem (so innocently): 3adeetoh


We were visiting a friend of my father’s since college, she’s practically one of my favorite aunties ever. She had her daughter and her two grandchildren, Mohamed (4 yrs) and Sarah (2 yrs) who are simply adorable; however, Sarah makes me wish I had a baby girl; she is just A.D.O.R.A.B.L.E.



Apparently, my Beem seemed to get along with Sarah a lot more than her brother, and he was very friendly and nice and brotherly to her it made me go awww. At some point while they were all playing, Mohamed decided it was time to show off his boy-ish side and started hitting Sarah…

Sarah: maaaammmmyyy
My friend: Mohamed, matedrabsh Sarah, 3eeb
Beem (standing between Sarah and her bro): ta3aly ya Sarah waraya, matkhafeesh, (talking to Mohamed in a serious tone while pointing his index finger) matedrabsh Sarah keda tany, keda nooo, enta teb2a we7esh
Mohamed (rushing to his mom and on the verge of tears): mama bey2ool eny we7esh!
Me: awwww, la ya Mohamed, howa bas khayef Sarah tet3awar, mesh tez3al mennoh, howa bardu bey7ebbak, Beem, ta3ala 2ool le Mohamed mesh yez3al
Beem (walking slowly, and checking if Mohamed was crying for real, then deciding to pat him on the arm while smiling): matez3lsh ya Mohamed



Mocha’s vocabulary:
Mammma: ana
Nanna: my mom
Babbba: my dad
Dadda: the maid
Boo: when he wants to drink
MMUMMM: obviously when he wants food, NOW… and also when he sees food!
Denndennn: when referring to horses and donkeys, he actually means deregen deregen and sometimes he’d come and pretend to ride my tummy while I’m asleep!
2ottaa: cat, and also any other animal really
Baabyy: babies, infants, and children
Bom: balloons and balls
Beeb beeb: cars
Hawhaw: when I tell him it’s not a cat, it’s a dog!
Batta: referring to Donald Duck!
Wawa: when he’s in pain or when he wants to get some extra attention!




H’s family owns a talking parrot that says too many sentences more eloquently that both of my kids and that actually sounds like H’s younger brother!! We were visiting last week and my kids were stunned to see a talking bird! Beem had fun feeding kookoo bananas and Mocha wanted to touch it so bad but they were scaring Kookoo and we were afraid it would bite them out of panicking.

H: 2ool salamo 3aleiko ya kookoo
Kookoo: (nothing)
Beem: kookoo
Mocha: 2otta???
Me (laughing): la ya mocha, da mesh 2otta, da kookoo
Kookoo: kookooo
Mocha: 2otta
Kookoo: kookoo
Mocha: tattaa
Kookoo: kookoo
Mocha: TATTA
Me: H, mocha mesh beye3raf ye2ool el kaf fa mesameeh tatta
H: we aldagh fel waw Kaman!
Me: bayen!

Later when it was time to leave and we were saying our goodbye’s, out of the blue, Kookoo decided to say "salamo 3aleiko"!

The funny part is that yesterday H called saying that kookoo is saying tatta the same way mocha was!!


Yesterday in Beem’s nursery party, his teacher totally made him sing all the songs and say the alphabet with a word for each letter; otherwise there would have been no cake!! The look on his face as he complied was more of a death threat; I think she had it coming, she should have stopped after bon anniverssaire! During the singing however, he noticed that he did not have an empty plate in front of him, so he interrupted as he got up and grabbed one.

Later when we were singing right before we blow the candles, he kept blowing it during the singing and he thought it was funny that his teacher kept lighting it, or he simply enjoyed annoying her!


Later at the home party, I got him those candles that keep burning again even after you blow them, he had some fun time trying to blow them while we were singing him “happy birthday”. I think the cake had some saliva according to my cousin due to my “torture”!


As my cousin was leaving yesterday, we were all telling Beem to say bye and thank him for the gift (a toy gun with sniper light, thank you very much!), only Beem was too busy playing with H and her sister, so he kinda blew him off, that was when my cousin said “khalas, ana hakhod el mosadas beta3y”
Beem: khodo
A: hatoh, howa fein
Beem (rushing to get it): 7ader
A (stunned): …
Beem: ya daddooo, howa fein
Baba (laughing so hard): ahoh, adeeh le A?
Beem: la2 hatoh (and he gave it to my cousin without saying a word, then ran to his seat hiding the balls he was playing with) bas mesh hatakhod el kewar, ana khabethom!
A: tayeb! Ana haddy el mosadas le Mocha

I was laughing too hard to follow what happened next!


I had more in mind, but I can’t seem to remember any right now! More will follow when I do :)

Lady Justice is blind universally, but in Egypt, 3andaha takhallof!

After my last post, I had decided to stop ranting about my divorce that I actually told a friend of mine that next time I’d mention my x was going to be when I get a divorce.

I even planned on blogging about several things; like my Beem’s birthday party, which we had today… or the cute little developments I’ve been observing about my two pieces of cuteness (radya 3anhom awy el yoomein dool).

Sadly, I took back my word after being provoked by the Egyptian judicial system, which makes me feel like the law and its practice were made to ensure further oppression on the oppressed, Allah ye7ra2ek ya balad (which I don’t think is that farfetched given the rate of establishments catching fire lately!)

I found out that there was an appeal session for my divorce case. Apparently, my father stopped telling me because he sensed how irritated I get because of all the anticipation; therefore, he just told me the update after my lawyer informed him thereof. Of course none of my x’s representation showed, so it was postponed for further notification… until FEBRUARY!!! FEBRE-freakin’-UARY!!!

Ya walad el… 7aram 3aleiko ba2a… fe 7ad fel denya ye2ool keda!!! Four months ya kafara 3ashan e3adet e3lam!! I am left speechless… this is not justice, and if it is, then it’s very much retarded and stupid and… and… I can’t seem to find a decent word to describe it!!

Now it makes sense why he was calling to “reconcile”, and now it makes sense why he took it back! I am expecting his next phone call in February, at least the one to re-discuss the divorce and its terms since he might be demanding to see the kids some time soon.

Today was my son’s birthday parties; one at his nursery, and one at home with a very limited group of friends and family. Today was a good day and I won’t let a stupid court update ruin it, so here ends my rant.

Nonetheless, if anyone stumbles upon this and has an advice on a place I can petition against this stupidity and lack of common sense to a respective authority in hopes of actually acting positively upon something, I’m open to suggestions, even though I can clearly hear the cynic in me screaming so loudly “heya de masr ya 3abla”!

I will brag about my babies some other time I guess, so later!

My Beem is Three!

I look at older photos I have of him and previous posts I wrote about him and I feel like it was just yesterday when he could barely say a word or two! Now, ma sha2 Allah mesh beyeskot!

Here’s a sample…


Hilarious Beem:

Me: A Avion, 2ool yalla!
Him: mesh ha2ool avion
Me: tab hat2ool B Bateau?
Him: mesh ha2ool bateau
Me: wala C Cadeau???
Him: la2 mesh ha2ool cadeau ba2a!
Me: tab 2ool D Dolphin
Him (finally getting the trick): mesh ha2ool
Me: wala E Étoile!!
Him: ha2ool KOFTA (this is what he says when I start asking him to repeat stuff after me!)
Me: enta KOFTA
(my sis getting in the room)
Me: yalla ya beem warreeha ennak bet2ool avion
Him: avion!
Me: B Bateau…
Him: bateau
Me: C Cadeau
Him (getting all excited): CADEAAAAUUUU
Sis: tab ya3ne eh Cadeau?
Him (bekol telqa2eya we theqa): TAYARAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: LA22AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Mama: 3amal zay abdel Fattah el Ossary, 7anashon!!


Beem aleel el adab:

Me: battal le3b fel telefezyoon ya beem
Him: la2
Me: haz3al!
Him: ez3ali
Me: ha2ool le geddo 3aleik
Him: 2oleeloh
Me: ha2olo ennak we7esh we bete3mel ghalat!
Him: ha2olo enek enty we7sha we bete3mely ghalat
Me: ha2oom adrabak
Him: hadrabek
*me standing up and walking his way*
*him running to hide at mama’s or baba’s* gaban!!


Sweet Beem:

Him: mammmmyyyyy
Me: na3am!
Him (with the biggest, most adorable smile on his face): ba7ebik
Me (going all AWWWWW): ana Kaman ba7ebak awy awy awy
Him: ana ba7ebik awy awy awy (we lama yeb2a rady 3an mocha) we ba7eb mocha Kaman (we lama yeb2a beynam 3ala nafso) we ba7eboko koloko
Me (holding him so tight): ana ba7ebak aktar

I love this kid!

I’m grateful...

I’m grateful for every single thing that happened today!

I’m grateful for how the day started at the stroke of midnight with my best friend D calling to be the first to wish me a happy birthday like back in the old days...

I’m grateful that I came back to my laptop to find tons and tons of birthday wishes sent through by my amazing blogger buddies and all my friends who happened to be online and awake at that time!

I’m grateful for the weird late call starting with “fraiser”!!!!

I’m grateful for being able to wake up at 6 am so that I could get my kids ready to go to the nursery and make it to work on time for a change!

I’m grateful that my colleagues commented that I looked radiant and that my boss let me take a couple of hours off to check on my kids in their new nursery...

I’m grateful that all through my working hours, every blog I stumbled upon, I found the author wishing me a happy birthday!! It really felt like unwrapping a present each time... Thank you all dear blogger buddies; your gesture made my day, literally :)

I’m grateful I ran into M on facebook chat and got to know he’d be visiting Egypt this month and that we could get together some time...

I’m grateful my sister offered to babysit my kids so that I could go out with my two best friends...

I’m grateful I got to meet D and H out and that I could have my first peaceful dinner in quite some time without mocha or beem making a scene...

I’m grateful H decided to stop by just to wish me a happy birthday...

I’m grateful that on my way home, a B’s sister called to tell me B sent me a gift and that she wants to meet so that she can give it to me... Thanks B, I hope you’re reading, you’re just too kind :)

I’m grateful that I found a parking place and did not have to drive around the house till one clears...

I’m grateful both my kids were up when I was home and I got to see how happy they were with the balloons and the toys I got on my way home; it’s priceless to see those two jumping joyfully

I’m grateful that up until now (3 minutes to midnight), I have not received one single text message from him and not a single missed call... I really am grateful.

All those things I just said I’m grateful for made my day extraordinary... I think I just had the first good birthday in quite some time... for that I am most grateful :)

Hoping for something extraordinary

My birthday is next Sunday.

My friend H was asking me what I wanted for my birthday, I told her I wanted something extraordinary. She made a sarcastic comment as she said she meant to ask about what I wanted for a birthday gift not a birthday wish.

I told her I didn’t have anything specific in mind, I told her that I would like to spend a few hours on my birthday with friends or something, away from my kids, and then go back to my kids and have another celebration with them.

She asked me if that was my extraordinary something, or if getting a divorce on my birthday would be better. I told her neither would be that extraordinary really; they would be a relief of course, and I would be grateful, really grateful.

Something extraordinary is not my birthday wish; it’s what I want on my birthday. When asked to describe what it could be, I said something that would give me more hope and faith that better things are awaiting me, that all the pain and agony I feel from time to time are worth their while. I want something that would make my heart bounce with joy despite all the scars.

I have faith that it will be ok, but I am not always sure that I will be ok when all is over; so I want to know that I will be ok, I want to feel it and see a glimpse of it on my birthday. It would be a good change since he managed to ruin 8 birthdays so far!! Yes, my last good birthday was my 18th, and when asked how old I am I pause a little because somewhere inside, I am still hung on that number; I feel the years that came afterwards were stolen, or simply wasted.

So dear God, please make only good things happen to me next Sunday; it would be great and I would really appreciate it.

I know I shouldn't be shocked!

I’ve been thinking about that since last week.

My kids... they need to interact with the x and his family whether I like it or not. It’s not just because I must keep them out of the “battlefield”, and it’s not because they need him, it’s more because they need to NOT romanticize him or his family.

I find it a bit selfish because I know I will never be ok with either one of my boys missing their daddy in a way that would make them put him on a pedestal and idealize him. He does not deserve that; God knows what he deserves. I will not help him make a hero out of himself.

As for my kids, I think it’s better for them on the long run to not have a pseudo big image of him or his family for that matter. They should learn to know, deal with, and accept them for who they are. I think that learning to do so early on will help them build character. If it makes them “grow up” sooner, then be it.

I was driving while all those hit me, I don’t remember why or how, but I remember that I saw the day when either of my kids would want to propose to the girls they would want to marry. I wish my dad long life and good health, but even then, they will need a father. I just hate to say that my father isn’t theirs; I wish he were, but he’s not. I don’t want them to have no memories at all when they have to ask their own father to be with them, I don’t want them to feel awkward approaching him. I think bad memories of him beat no memories at all this way.

So, now that I tried to explain what I had in my head, I can say it made sense that way to arrange for Mocha’s Birthday Party outdoor to leave my x no room of saying he couldn’t be there. I invited two of my friends and their families who can handle anything nasty he does on that day.

My dad said he was totally ok with it, except that he did not want to be in the same place with my x, so he excused him self and asked me to invite his best friend (my dad’s) instead to make sure there will be someone to look after us. I know where my dad comes from; he does not want to be there if my x or his family do anything provocative and leave him no other choice but to react.

So, I called his aunt, and in my most polite tone, I told her that all are invited to Mocha’s BD on Monday and that I will get back to her on the exact hour today. I asked her to bring the x’s little cousins (12 & 6 yrs) because it will be a kids’ party. Could I be any nicer?! Yes! To her, I should call my x and invite him. I told her I couldn’t because he had just sent me two annoying text messages earlier that day, and given that, I find it hard to interact with him at this point and that perhaps the whole birthday party would be a start of us learning how to deal.

The civil x of mine has been calling non stop since 9 am, waking me and mocha up and something about him calling over and over seemed violent, so I switched my phone to silent and dosed off for a while longer. I woke up to the most annoying text!! He’s practically telling me to “save my money”, that he will not show up since I should have invited him instead of sending the invitation through his aunt, and he said something about me having to explain the things I do to my kids one day, and that he's looking forward to that day.

Now, I know he’s a pig and that I should not expect from a pig to be anymore than itself, a nasty dirty manner-less pig. What keeps pissing me off is that he does it all while finding ways to blame it on me still!! Could he be anymore immature and irresponsible? Is there an English word equivalent to “اليل الأصل” that still keeps the essence, because that’s what he is.

I really hope what goes around, comes back around and bites him really really hard. Until then, I am making the Monday birthday anyway, my kids will have fun and so will everyone who shows up.

My Mochaccino <3

1- When he wakes up after a good sleep, he keeps opening and closing his eyes to check if I am there, then starts stretching with a big smile on his face… if I am still asleep, he sits up then throws himself at me causing me to wake up all startled!!

2- Whenever my cell phone rings or there is music, he’d sit up, starts moving his whole body while clapping! He also claps when asked to!!

3- When I’m taking him out (carrying him), he waves my sisters goodbye as he hears me saying “bye ba2a”

4- When I come back from work and my baby sister is carrying him, he literally throws himself at me, and hugs me back when I hug him, it melts my heart!

5- When he’s bored of staying with me in my room and either one of my sisters walks in, he sits up and starts clapping and tries to jump so that they take him, just like a puppy!

6- When I am too busy cleaning up or doing whatever, he loves opening up the bag where I keep my socks and he knocks himself out playing with clean socks rolled around each other like small balls, just like a kitten!

7- When I am on my bed using the laptop and he’s playing on the floor right next to me, he keeps looking at me to check if I am watching him as he starts moving towards my shoes in an attempt to play with them, sometimes he stops and sometimes he just gives me a charming smile and starts playing with my shoes!!

8- When he’s tired from crawling and walking, he comes to my bed and leans and keeps making begging noise so that I put him on the bed next to me, then he squeals with joy and claps once he’s next to me!

9- Whenever any of us sits close enough with food on our lap, be it a sandwich or yoghurt, he starts making hungry noises and wouldn’t calm down until he is eating whatever it is!

10- I don’t think he likes cheese! He loves tomato, and would do anything for me to let him eat napkin!

11- He loves playing with all of Beem’s toys, especially when Beem is not home! Actually, he’s extra ctive and happy when Beem isn’t around…

12- When Beem is back from an outing, he smiles and cheers as he walked in and intentionally bumps his head to Beem’s as Beem rushes in to greet him, when they are playing together, their favorite game is crawl-racing, I like watching that!

13- Yesterday, as Baba and other family members were gathered to pray, he slept on his tummy on the prayer mat as to imitate them!!! I couldn’t believe it!!!

14- When either my sis or I are not paying enough attention to him, he keeps making peek-a-boo attempts until we notice him then he runs/crawls away :)

15- He sings himself before he falls asleep a long never ending “AAAaaaAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaasa” symphony :)

Today he turns 59…

Him: *calling me on my mobile as I am driving home*
Me: *with utter excitement* Babayaaaaaaa, ezzayak
Him: ezzayek, feen bommmba
Me: he’s with Maat, she’s picking him up today, cause…
Him: *hangs up on me, and calls Maat to speak to bommbaa*

This has to happen at least once a week!! He hangs up on me every single time :)

In my last blog I wrote this long letter to my dad saying how much I love him; I won’t do it again; words are just never enough.

My dad is the one who passed to me my temper and my stubbornness (him and my late nana), my sense of humor, my love for driving long distances, my great sense of direction, and the stamina to be responsible even when I just would rather not.

Growing up around him I learned how one can have morals and ethics and actually live by them. As judgmental as my dad can be, he tried to teach me tolerance! He would always stop me when I start ranting and tell me "wouldn’t you be doing the exact same thing?", and as I start rationalizing, he’d smile and say: "well expect the other person to have the same reasons"!! Of course that never really happened when he’s the one with the fuming temper :)

The one thing people would never think my dad has, and it took me forever to actually learn, is patience. Yeah, despite his well known temper, he’s a very patient person. I mean to actually be patient and have that much faith that those who have done you wrong will eventually pay… WOW… it was always beyond me to understand, even now, I just look at him when he’s silently thinking and can't help but think to myself “I am so glad he is still in good health relatively, anyone in his shoes would have been suffering from some serious heart condition, not just the age related diabetes and blood pressure”

When I was neck high in my own shit, and my belief system was all shaken up, all it took me was to observe how he would pray as regularly as ever, he would set his alarm to el-fagr and get dressed to pray in the mosque. The more shit life gave him (and I already know of too much shit), the more patiently he waited and tried to not let it change who he is. So if he snaps at mama or at the rest of us from time to time, well, who can blame him? :)

I love my dad, I love the times he makes fun of things quietly and I love it when he criticizes me and my sisters, and I love it when I see his heart just melting as he plays with beam and the way mocha looks up to him with that much love. I wish him a hundred more years to live… well, a healthy hundred more years to live.

The worst feeling …

I’ve tried so hard not to cry today… I wanted to make it perfect, but who was I kidding! As birthdays go, this one was a mess, until we gathered to sing “happy birthday” and all of us were too tired and consumed. I am glad my son is too young to grasp any of the drama, and I am glad he enjoyed the cake and the candles.

There has been an unofficial poll about the worst feeling one can feel. Today, I felt more than just one…


I felt totally and utterly offended by his sick insults… I remained there as I read what he had sent me and just went blank… I didn’t know what to even think let alone how to respond…

I felt oppressed… not just were his insults offensive, but also they were untrue and a mere projection to his own sick behavior…

I felt helpless… when all I can do in return is remain in a state of shock for a while, then start mumbling hysterically, and then cry so hard that I can barely keep my eyes opened now, it’s sad and pathetic…

I felt weak… my helplessness automatically made me feel weaker and weaker, helpless and weak is a very bad combination…

I felt lonely… no I was not alone, I have lots of support, but no one can really help! The fact that he’s my kids’ father cripples everyone. I sat there crying not wanting to call anyone for moral support or whatever because I know it won’t help much. As a matter of fact I was on the phone with my best friend as it all started and she laughed sarcastically telling me that it’s another cheap stunt and that I should not let it get to me. Easy to say I guess.

I felt vulnerable… yes, he can still get to me… I know I said I was over him, and I am, I really am… but every time he pulls something like that off, it gets to me… I hate how he knows how to do that, how he knows how to make me feel that way…

I felt brotherless (I know it’s not even a word)… I think only a brother would go kick his a** because my dad is too wise and caring about ‘el osool’ to do it. There was a time, he was that brother to me who would protect me against harm, but now the he inflicts that harm so shamelessly… I have a lot of good brother figures, but I would not count on any of them, it would only make it worse I know…

I felt stupid… was I really that blind to see him for who he really is?? My sisters say there’s been a dramatic change, but can people really change that way and be that evil??

I felt regretful… I’ve never ever felt regret about anything in my life, now I actually have him as my first regret (I would so like to say my only regret, but who knows)…

I felt scared… although I know his words are nothing but sick twisted lies, I am also aware that words can sometimes cause more harm… I know I don’t even care who believes his lies, for those who know me do know better, and those who will believe his lies mean nothing to me, but the fact that he’d say all that with no regard to anything, even the fact that we’re still married, made me worry about whatever sick and twisted things he can do, which can –and chances are will- cause harm…


I know I would sound naive saying that I just can believe some people would sink that low, but I do!! The little girl in me who still believes in fairytales refuses to believe that there could be that much evil in someone’s heart… it’s not just give-the-princess-a-poisoned-apple kinda evil, it’s do-whatever-it-takes-to-hurt-someone-so-they-never-heal kinda evil. I will ever get why people would act that way…

A good friend of mine keeps telling me to be patient and pray a lot and that truth and justice will eventually prevail. I know it’s Ramadan, I know that I am ‘mazlooma’, which means that my prayers shall be answered and all, but it still hurts even when I know that it will be over.

I believe it will be over. I believe that if I hold on to my faith in God he will give me the strength I need to be patient and reward me for it. I believe that when it’s all over nothing will remain but the memory, but the memory is so dark and painful and I know it has changed something in me that will never be the same.

I just hope it would be over soon ya Rab.

It’s been two years!!

My little prince ( aka playa’ ;) ) turns two today :)

I am such a terrible mom, haven’t arranged anything for the cake yet! Well, there won’t be a party; just us. Tomorrow isA I will wake up early enough to have it all prepared. I already have the balloons, so I will get some party stuff and will make him feel special.

I am in no mood for celebration but I will do my best to make him happy all day and I will try my best not to yell at him when he drives me crazy, just for today!!

YA RAB all goes well…

Happy birthday sweetie :) mommy loves you soooooooooo much you annoying you :) and so does each of daddoo, nanna, gaga, and gogo ;)