September 28, 2009

The Futility of the Dance!!


I have high hopes when it comes to people, but when it comes to relationships, especially romantic ones, I am extremely cynical.

After all, I have every right to be, having survived my own romantic relationship that led to marriage, which led to infidelity, which led to humiliation and divorce. I’d like the rest of my life to be of less drama thank you very much.

So to go by, I decided on a list of things to help me survive whatever the years will throw at me… here’s a sample

Love is tricky; you slip in fast, it fills the eye and the heart leaving the mind completely misled. Most tragically, it fades, it always fades, either from your heart or from the other person’s leaving you either unhappily honoring a commitment you promised to maintain, feeling disregarded by someone who wants to honor his/her commitment, or cheating (one way or the other) or being cheated upon.

Before you tell me I am being too hard and bitter on love, walk a mile in my shoes…

I have enough friends in relationships (marriage and/or otherwise), most of which are considering/trying to get out of them!!! And the ones who are keeping the façade of contentment are very obviously trying to convince themselves that they’re facing the bumps on their roads and that this is what relationships are like!! I really wish for the latter that they get through their bumps and find the happiness for which they are searching, I honestly do.

Having heard my share of stories, I have noticed how differently men and women see things; I get to hear the guy’s take and I get to hear the girl’s take and I almost seizure every time I find myself seeing how it’s all a communication problem due to the male/female different perceptions.

And no, I am not wiser than my fellow females, I am just detached from the problems having to hear about them rather than live them. When a male friend tells me his side of the story where his significant other is behaving a way close enough to what I would have done had I been in her place, I tell him how she got there and why she’s acting that way, I say it calmly after I acknowledge his side of the story and confirm that his point is valid!

That’s when my friend would say I am the wisest woman he had met, only what he doesn’t know is that I get to be that wise because I am not investing my emotions on him, I get to be that calm and understanding and let myself see his side because my love and care for him are not the kind that would make me hurt when he doesn’t see mine, while his significant other is blinded by the one thing that makes her want to be with him, her love to him!!! And to complicate things further, being detached doesn't mean you have a solution because in relationships, the only people who can actually make change are the couple themselves!! The irony!

This makes me think that the way couples understand a relationship, at least here in Egypt, they would always need a couples counselor who would constantly referee their relationship and advocate their points of view to one another!! Does anyone see how pathetic that is, or is it just me???





I have always thought of relationships to be like a dance a couple perfect over time; when one of them moves forward, the other knows that it’s their time to move backwards to give them the needed space. Yes, in the learning process, they will step on each other’s toes and probably get hurt from time to time, but the idea of them needing constant coaching is just… scary!

It’s exactly like this: my partner steps on my toe while moving forward, my natural instinct would be telling him he did and at the same time prepare myself that he might accidentally do it again in his attempts to master the moves!! But no one excuses himself from the dance when such an incident happens to go tell the dancing coach “my partner just stepped on my foot!

I am not denying the need for guidance; I just resent the idea of having to be eternally dependant on it. Actually, truth is, very few people acknowledge their need for initial guidance; as far as each and everyone of us is concerned, we all know best and we don’t need anyone’s help, which is even sadder! Perhaps it’s the reason why we needed that kind of guidance to begin with - damn arrogance!

So to sum this up, in a relationship, being in love does not mean you were born a dancer! There’s a lot to learn about your partner, a lot more to learn about yourself and your ability to adjust and compromise things. Do you know the things you’re capable of doing? Do you know your deal breakers? I seriously doubt any of us knows all of those, it’s a trial-and-error process and sadly you only get to find a few with every failed attempt of a relationship!

I just realized that I have run out of things to say without actually making a point! Truth is, I have none!!! I was just ranting about my constant disillusion at relationships and talking myself out of any future ones because I just don’t have any toes left for a blind fool to step on them!!

*I got the photo off the web some time ago, so I don't exactly remember the photo credits!

16 comments:

Rasha* said...

I am mad at exactly that...knowing/ seeing that it's all about the dagger we enjoy pointing or sometimes sticking right to our hearts.

ibhog said...

I believe counseling is preferred when things get out of control, sometimes people just don't handle complexity. Adding another perceptive view usually help solve - exactly like the one you employ with your friends.

The thing is about how Egyptians use help aslan, it's erratic.

Big fan of the dancing simile btw :)

Anonymous said...

I love the way you put it together ,and I especially like the dancing example .

the thing is , you'd rarely find that sort of conflict in the old generations , there used to be more harmony and love , now tolerance is zero on both sides.

R

insomniac said...

Rasha,

one word: 3aaaaaaaaaa


ibhog,

counseling its essence is a good thing, but to always have someone in the middle to explain things you should be trying hard to understand on your own just doesn't sound right!!

it could be me and my high expectations all over again :)))


R,

thanks :)

tab what about our generation, when do we do something about our issues so that we can have the old generation's kind of happiness, or any happiness for that matter??

Mohaly said...

Love is soooo tricky.. lel2asaf we realize it very late!

I agree with Ibhog...

Anonymous said...

I think Inso because we're not willing to fight for anything...we just pick the easy option (breaking up for example)and not working on the problem....we're accustomed to the comfortable life options in general.

And we are a very rebellious generation , it's either my way or the high way. :)

R

Will E. said...

Okay Inso, I'll try to say this in a way that isn't too harsh, but your cynical view of love is a result of bad experience, and perhaps even mistakes on your part.

The reality is that we're fed with a romanticized version of love that tells you not to use your brain before slipping, it's a cultural thing and we never question it but submit to it completely. So when that dogma fails us, we blame love in all of its forms not just the disfigured form we experienced.

So you say more people have problems with love, well they're part of a society that doesn't truly get it. Love is valuable because it's true and truth is sparse in this day and age, so if you think that love is about the charm that sweeps you off your feet then you're right to believe the way you do, but the question remains, is it really love?

Is love what we see in the movies, the perfect looking actors and actresses? No wonder we'll turn cynical, we experience the fantasy of love thought of by others, taken from a fairy tale.

Lies fail, even those masquerading as the truth, and eventually they have us lose our faith in truth. Mission accomplished.

To speak of love that failed you have to define what love is like. Relay your experience and think about it once more, was it what love is all about?

Next time I'll use my blog to post something this long :)

Btw, I like the dance analogy.

insomniac said...

Mohaly,

why am i not surprised you agree with ibhod ;)


R,

if we're such a rebellious generation, then perhaps we should be more willing to fight for our happiness!

and btw, even breaking ups are not exactly that easy anymore!!

insomniac said...

Will :)

it didn't feel harsh at all... i never denied that my bad experience made me cynical about love and romance and relationships! and i don't know if i was ever clear about it or not, but i know i had my share of mistakes :)

i find myself agreeing that my perception of love and all its related notions are greatly influenced by fairy tales, books, movies, songs, etc... yes, i see things in a certain way due to all those things... and because i have become aware that my pr-existing notion of love is not exactly correct, i am extremely cynical of THAT...

but still the question remains, what is love???

to me, this love, the one influenced by my surrounding culture, it is tricky, and most of the times even misleading... but no one presented a more stable notion...

i keep telling myself that love would be when my heart and my mind agree on one person, but it's strange how they never do... it is like i promise myself that because it might never happen, a defense mechanism perhaps!

and i like it when you of all people get carried away with a comment :))

and i'm flattered you liked the analogy :)

Anonymous said...

We don't fight because we want everything ready and easy ..leh net3b nafsena law fe 7aga gahza? :D so we rebel on the current state instead.

you're asking about love??? :D even philosophers didn't agree on one definition !!

Each has his own definition that makes him fall in love with a certain person afterward...it's a subconscious thing.

R

insomniac said...

tab ya R... why should things be too hard?? i mean hard is fine only if it gets easier; but if it keeps getting harder, yeb2a perhaps we shouldn't exactly keep on fighting...

as for love... mmm perhaps that's one more post!

Queen of Shiba said...

I agree with R...People these days want to take the easy way out. They don't hang on long enough to resolve the issues/reach an understanding. I don't think u need constant counseling. How did our parents last for years and years? It must've been very difficult for them in the beginning too..but it takes two to tango, they both tried, compromised and eventually reached an understanding - i.e. they know each other inside out, way too well to step on one another's toes now..

Queen of Shiba said...

Oh yes...and I love the dance analogy too:))

insomniac said...

Queen of Shiba,

actually i don't think our generation lacks the will to fight for what they want... i think they lack the ability to recognize what's worth fighting for... we were never properly taught which relationships are worth keeping and which should simply be thrown to the wind...

and parents... well, my parents step on each other's toes on daily basis, they're only together because it's more familiar than any other option and because they perceive their doing the best they can offer us... i respect their choice, but i wouldn't do it myself, so i can't find my answers with them...

and thanks for your comment :)

Ze2red said...

If i have read this before i've written mine, i would definitely haven't posted "Life is a dance"

Chapeau Inso, and Damn arrogance!

insomniac said...

:)

thanks :)

and glad you liked it!