January 13, 2009

That’s the way it is, and that’s how it shall stay…


I have a serious temper problem…

I lose my temper very often. Judging by how people perceive me at work as a mellow person, I think I have worked on it a bit. But my old colleagues from my previous job knew my temper; my best friends of them say I was intimidating and that they always feared the moment when they might unintentionally get on my bad side.

At home, I don’t hold my temper at all, perhaps except with my father; the man has character and presence that scares the crap out of my temper I must admit. I get angry at my sisters a lot, but they have no idea how much I hold back, as if they don’t remember the old me!

My sons are the only reason I am trying to learn to control my temper; because I hate myself when I lose it with them.


I am stubborn, very stubborn…

I think it’s ok when I actually have a valid point, but truth is even if I don’t, I can still be pretty stubborn about it. On rare occasions, I respond to logic and reason, but even then, it has to be done in certain ways that most people are incapable of. When I am wrong, I admit to myself that I am, and I do my best to admit it to others, which brings me to the next point…


I am too proud…

I must admit to a very ridiculous extent. I HATE it when I ask for favors. The closer the person of which I am asking the favor is, the worse I feel having to ask for it.

I would rarely ever tell someone they hurt me; I am too proud to admit I was hurt, let alone put it in words. I resort to humor and sometimes sarcasm to cover up for my red eyes or my bad mood; I think I can even be offensive that way!

If I sense someone dislikes me, I stay as far as possible and I go to extremes to avoid them. I wouldn’t be caught dead feeling like I am forcing anyone to be around me.

Even with those I know like me, I hate being a burden; last summer when my best friend was visiting from the states, I passed by her grandma’s the day she arrived to say hi, hug and kiss (I know sounds just wrong), and then left her for a week without even calling so that she can catch up with her family without being pressured to go out and have a snack and catch up.


I am crystal clear…

… to a transparent extent. Some would say it’s a good thing, but the ones I don't like beg to disagree because I tend to be obnoxious when provoked (refer to my temper). If you still insist, keep reading and you’ll know how bad it gets!


My biggest flaw: I love too much, I care too much and hell I expect too much… keyword: TOO MUCH

If I love someone (not necessarily in the romantic sense) to the extent that I manage my temper, become less stubborn, get over my pride, and allow my emotions to show in the tiniest of things I do for that person, I am most likely to lose that person because of my expectations of him/her.

I won’t say I lost my x that way; da kan ghalta asasan, I literally chose the wrong person based on all the wrong criteria. But my violent reaction and my extreme change must have count for something I must say!

Anyway, I managed to lose quite a few people that way; one single mistake that gets under my skin; before I know it, it goes deep enough to my bones and the relationship is scarred for life.

Soon enough my previously mentioned flaws catch up with me. So I become too angry to listen to any possible explanations, too stubborn to understand any, too freakin’ proud to show how I'm extremely hurt; and consequently, too obnoxious to be dealt with, which of course will lead to me being the bad guy by showing the other person my ugly side.


Conclusion…

That’s who I am. I have bad flaws, deadly ones if you may. But in my own twisted way, I manage to work around them and I would like to think that I make up for them. In my very own delusional way, I believe I am worth it (it could be my pride talking just as well).

So that’s it; I can’t change, and I won’t change because those flaws are only the bad side of a much better me who wouldn’t hold anything back when she cares.

If you can’t understand how I work and appreciate it, then go away, I most certainly don’t need your friendship; it means absolutely nothing to me.

If it’s any consolation, it hurts.

18 comments:

Rasha said...

Tayeb, howa as i already mentioned ur post hit a nerve that has been burning my heart for the last few days and somehow it was good reading about it.

bas fee no2ta a7eb a2olha mesh 7a3raf a2olha face to face aw message to message.

Being around you for sometime now gave me a good idea about ur nature.
you are kind, easy to be with ...in fact i can't remember a friend i felt that easy with...i was never for one bit self conscious around you. ur so nice and giving ( I really don't know how could u not laugh when i fell off the bike :D nor showd disappointment that my bad riding ruined the whole bike thing) you listen, u don't judge...u r respectful and considerate.
tab3an every point of those have a story or two to verify them bas i won't be the one leaving the longest comment in the world :)
b2ekhtesar, as a friend u give and u sure deserve a similar treatment in return.
I could be baykha at times bas generally, i'm ok because i believe i deserve kindness from people because i am not capable of harm...3ashan keda fahmaky and i really think highly of you and i really appreciate being ur friend.
ay 7ad ba2a y2ool ay batee5...seebek.
and having pride and temper lama 7ad yastafezek aw yegra7ek 7a2ek l2anek kwayesa..this is my policy.
oo ba3deen...kol 7aga fel donia leeha taman...elly 3ayez as7ab kwayeseen men no3oh 7ay7ebohom zay ma homa and 7ayesta7melhom 7ata law angry shwaya...elly 3ayez 7ad metfasal 3ala mazago yeroo7 Omar affandi :D

insomniac said...

:)

do u have any idea how your words made me smile...

thanks a lot ya rasha....

i can't believe it tho!!

- u don't find me intimidating!!
- we saya7ty le nafsek ennek we2e3ty men 3al 3agala!!!! dana khoft a post about our cycling day la2a3 belsany (hehe)

well, if you think i am good, then it definitely takes one to know one babe...

Rasha said...

You were intimidating when you were forced to (fakra el rude manager) and if you weren't, something would've been wrong about you...bas gheer keda u are mellow...
Ama 3an eltasyee7 :D khoddy ra7tek with anything related to me :)
bossy, a big woman my age, a mother elmafrood waqoora :D when she decides to cycle mabyeb2ash for pure fun...beyeb2a for challenging herself and breaking boundries within...elboundries elwahmeya ely bet3atal 7agat keteer aham men el cycling. falling was expected and not letting the embarrassment fail my little adventure was planned 3ashan ana kont wasqa enny will fall ( nateega tabe3eya )
Elgameel after that day enny i look at the bruises ( I still have them :D )and smile...and i couldn't have wished for a better companion not even wished i was alone.
3ala fekra, makontesh 7az3al law de7ekty aw tehe2ty men ellaf fe share3 wa7ed :D kont 7ad7ak ma3aky...3arfa leeh? 3ashan YOU law de7ekty 7ayeb2a lel silliness of it...u would be laughing with me mesh at me.u have a kind heart and can't be mean for the sake of being mean.
mawdoo3 el3end oo ennek bete2elly men 7ad 2afla sooda :D i don't believe en law da 7asal ma3aya oo 7awelt akalemek conversation zareefa zay el3ady to sort things out ennek bardo 7atefdaly afla...ella ezza 3amalt mosseeba ba2a...sa3etha 7ab2a had it coming ba2a...my fault enny wasn't careful and took u for granted.
elmawdoo3 mesh accounting ( bema en el chemia belnesbaly ashal :D )

ana raghaya sa7!
bye

The.I.inside said...

What you described is an easy person to live around; dedication can’t be a considered as a flaw. The way I see it, you just are a dedicate person and you expect the same dedication from people around you. What you said earlier is true in some sense I don’t set my hope high, I know that no matter how nice people are and how kind and friendly there would come a moment where they’ll screw you for there own good, so I never trust someone completely. What you are asking of people isn’t completely ludicrous as Marilyn Monroe said “I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

Anonymous said...

Dearest Inso ,

They always say that those who lose their temper easily have a kind heart... i think it's true , cause it relates directly to your crystal clear nature , you don't hide and hold grudges and wait to stab on the back .

I try as much as i can to be forgiving but really i'm like you in the sense that if someone causes a bad scar , or get near to my secure zone and manages to lose my trust i really can't find it in me to love them ever..i can act normal but not real love that i should ..it's sad :(

I really really really recommend you to write a counter post to this one , please take the time and write down your good side and qualities, in order to balance things out and not to feel bad about urself

R

insomniac said...

Rasha,

hehe, can u remember the look on the man's face when i was talking, it still makes me smile! (evil me!)

btw, i think ur falling had to do with trust issues! and the fact that you kept trying and and felt proud for it says a lot more about your character, so yes, look at those bruises and smile all you want while they're still there (hehe)

and btw, i laughed!! bas i was worried about you fa i cut my laughing session short :)

as for my stubborness wel afla el sooda, it really takes a lot to make me feel that way, and yes, i know people who get me there usually have it coming, but being there still hurts! being takes for granted is not that much fun!

rabena maygeeb mashakel ya rasha!

to me, accounting is as hard as chemistry, hehe..

insomniac said...

I,

mmm, bete7regeeny be kalamek el 7elw 3anny!

it's really wise of you to be aware that people will always do what's best with them even if it contradicts with your interest... i know that fact but i tend to forget it when it comes to those i would prefer their interest over mine... my friends call me tayeba we sa3at habla for it!!

i like marilyn's quote, i relate!

insomniac said...

R dearest,

you got me! yes, people tell me i am generally "kind hearted bekol arafy we genany"! i may never be able to harm others intentionally, but i can do it unintentionally in so many ways, most of which i might not even know...

i hold grudges when i am hurt, and i when it's the case, i lose my ability to sympathize with those people, and that kind heart becomes cruel and cold... but i would never stab in the back...

i only forgive people when they apologize sincerely, not necessarily in words, sometimes you just sense that someone is really sorry and if that's the case i can't help but forgive... only most of the times i am too proud to be behave like nothing had happened, too much pride i know!

R, if i write down my qualities i will come off as one hell of an arrogant prick! i know my qualities, and i believe that each and every one of my flaws has a good side to it, so please don't tempt me, this post is self-humbling for a reason :))))

thanks a lot for your kind words dear :)

Umslopagas said...

You know, I read your post twice to make sure of what I'm reading, you remind me a lot of someone very dear to me, with few exceptions.

I'll only comment on one point though, Pride:

I won't be speaking of the religious aspect of Pride, but I'll be very materialistic here, don't let your pride take you where you don't want to go.

In other words, seek help if needed, believe me, for people around you, it's much better that you ask for a favour early on, than let things spin out of proportion, cause either way, you'll eventually need the help, it's better to seek it early while things are still manageable, than suddenly either let a problem consume you or throw a fully developed problem at someone, everyone loses more.

That was my 2 cents worth anyway.

Keep well my friend :)

insomniac said...

flattered to know that :)

here is the thing about my pride...

as far as religion is concerned, i don't think for a split second that i'm better than others...

my pride is mostly about not wanting to feel dependent on others... and i am really sensitive about how i might feel like i am a burden to the people in my life; it might all be in my head, but it would still drive me crazy...

i don't know how to ask for what i want because i worry it might be an inconvenience to whoever i might be asking...

for example, i'd rather drive my own car and have people with me to drive to places pretty far away from where i'd originally go, so that i'd finish an errand on my way rather than ride with someone and spend a considerable time thinking whether it's ok to ask them to stop at that particular place on our way because i want to check/buy something that wouldn't take anymore than 10 mins... there are even more ridiculous examples! on the other hand, it does not mean i would perceive it as an inconvenience if a friend asks me to do something similar!!

as far as help is concerned i am even more complicated... i don't want the help that someone would offer out of obligation... i believe the most effective help comes when someone understands your situation and helps/tries to help accordingly... no matter how "small" or "insignificant" that help might be, it would mean A LOT more to me than a help that's received because someone had to do it because i asked... most of the time what i really need is the "small and insignificant" because it makes me feel less dependent on others...

i have lots of pride related issues; i think it's because my father always used the expression "khaly 3andek karama" or "wenty ezzay karamtek tesma7lek..." even when it came to the slightest of things!!!

i babbled, but i am too tired to delete what i just wrote and opt for a shorter comment, so there :)

Umslopagas said...

That was a very long comment indeed, but it made more sense now.

Don't allow your pride to prevent you from seeking help when needed, cause believe me, it hurts people who care for you that you'd rather be overwhelmed by trouble than actually asking for help.

And I'm speaking here of major issues, allowing people who care for you to help you is the greatest award you can give your loved ones.

It's far more better than leaving them in the dark, not knowing what's going on, just to satisfy your pride that you can handle everything.

insomniac said...

i know what you mean, it makes sense but i am not sure it will be easy for me to apply all the time... i can try though :)

thanks :)

Ice Queer said...

It's always comfy 2 feel that there r mellow ppl like me =D just be urself, u know?

insomniac said...

ur one of the mellow ones huh :)

well, i am only mellow when i don't care; that's probably why i suck in relationships :)

thanks for stopping by!

Ice Queer said...

Hehe and am cold and posessive too, r u?

Btw i read that u've kids, what's ur marital status? (u don't have 2 answer that)

insomniac said...

i am too proud to be possessive or at least show it :)

i've been told i can be really cold, either out of pride (big issues here), or indifference :)

yep, i have two boys :) it's ok, it's really all over the blog and ur bound to stumble on it.... i am legally married for the time being but i am "struggling" to get a divorce... so i guess "separated" is the current status

Ice Queer said...

Lol r u talking about me? =D Scorpio, right? =P

Well ur latest post effectively unswered my curious questions =)

insomniac said...

nope, gemini :)

but i think i have a planet in scorpio or something and i relate to scorpios in a few things especially relationship related!!