A Snack, a Granita, a five-hours Conversation, and Coffee!

Yesterday I met with an old college professor of mine whom I comfortably refer to as friend. We haven’t met during the past nine years, but we’ve managed to keep in touch, thanks to emails and facebook!!

During the five hours we spent talking, I must say I couldn’t have possibly been happier! At some point, we had this conversation…

Me: … so, I was advised to avoid eye contact in case I was
provoked!
Him *laughing*: best advice ever! *more laughter* because you have the worse eye contact when you dislike someone!
Me *extremely surprised*: ME!!! When did that ever happen with you?!! You do know how much I like you!! You NEVER got on my bad side!!
Him *still laughing*: yeah I know, you’ve been amazingly sweet that it’s hard to picture you disliking anyone! But I remember seeing how you would glare at colleagues who bothered you back in college; it would be like you were shooting FIRE then all of a sudden, it would turn to ICE!! I remember thinking that could not be possible even physics wise!!
Me *laughing*: I’ve been told it was a good thing looks don’t kill because I would have been doing time now, lots of it!! I still find it unbelievable you noticed enough to remember!!
Him: you have no idea who remarkable that glare is!!

I was extremely touched by how much he remembered of me!! He always said he thought I was a unique person and that he admired my character. He always said that I communicated well and knew how to deliver my point, and that most of the time I was right and it fascinated him. I generally took his words of praise as a compliment despite the fact that M is not the type who make up things just to be nice, but seeing how he remembered such a detail amazed me! I was flattered someone I respect and admire that much thinks of me that way and actually knows about me something I never deliberately shared!!

Yesterday, I learned a lot of things from M through the most general of things that we discussed; everyday-life kinda stuff, only from a perspective I could relate to, finally!!!

As we walked down road 9 from Cilantro to Greko, I was amazed at how he knew random kids who sold tissues at the street and the guards who stood by the bank for God knows how many years to whom I never bothered stopping by and saying hello!! We walked into Greko and everyone knew and sincerely greeted him; the cashier actually told me I was privileged to be M’s friend, I confirmed with a big smile!

By the time I dropped him off to where he’s staying, he told me it was the most fun he had in Egypt so far! I told him we should repeat it before he left back home, and I really hope we would.

On sacrifice…

Sacrifice is one of the big words we use a lot in our society! The word itself has a strong presence, especially in Arabic; tad7eya!!

We really give this word more meaning than we can possibly be able to apply or practice. We magnify its greatness only by saying it with awe, but I personally don’t think we ever take the time to weigh its true meaning and the things that come with it!

I looked up the word in order to highlight what it meant, but to my surprise it had more of a religious origin and connotation rather than the social every-day implication we use!

Wiki highlighted the origin of the word and its practices from the point of view of various religions, and clearly stated that the word is used as a metaphor used to…

“describe selfless good deeds for others or a short term loss in return for a greater gain”

Merriam Webster clearly stated the meaning as follows…

“3 a: destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else b: something given up or lost ”

As a matter of fact, both, the origin and the common use of the word nowadays seem to ignore some facts:

• - sacrifice IS related to loss,
  - sacrifice IS done willingly (be it the killing of an animal or human to serve a God),
  - sacrifice does NOT necessarily bring gain to the sacrificed (since let’s face it, they are sacrificed),
  - sacrifice is NOT necessarily worth it (a brief peek at history can prove my point),
  - sacrifice does NOT ensure greater gain to everyone involved (let's let's admit it, something has already been sacrificed; hence, there has been some sort of loss to one of the parties), and
  - sacrifice does NOT always serve a higher purpose (people’s vision can be too shortsighted after all!)

After all the above, I feel safe saying that I am not a big fan of the word/term sacrifice, I simply don’t. I don’t care if it decreases me from a greater being to a selfish one if I say I don’t believe people can be that selfless.

But before you judge me, take a minute and think about it; when people take the higher road or do the right thing, they automatically use the word sacrifice, no??? Why do you think they do that? I think because they want to get on a pedestal; because it was clearly implied at some point in our collective culture(s) that those who sacrifice are better beings who should be appreciated. The word became too commercial to the extent that its sacred meaning has diminished to yet another cliché that people simply overuse; moreover, expect acknowledgement for!

They say things like a parent sacrifices his/her happiness for his/her kids; they ask me to sacrifice my rights, me pride, and then my comfort for my kids’ sake, but they simply don’t get it! There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my kids if I can, but I will never sacrifice the things I think I deserve. i don’t think I have it in me to be big enough and not expect some sort of reward; therefore, I will always expect one, and of course I will always always be frustrated for not getting any! How can that be good for my kids? Let alone that the whole factor of willingness is not fulfilled! And don’t even get me started on the rest of the facts I mentioned above!!

This is not about my divorce or the silly opinions of people accusing me of being selfish for wanting a divorce because I honestly couldn’t care less anymore; I have explained all about my decision too many times.

It is more about how people confuse their duties, responsibilities and obligations with something they are incapable of doing, sacrifice! I know doing the right thing is never an easy task, but let’s not exaggerate!

Months ago, I was telling a friend of mine that one should not sacrifice their happiness because I think humans are incapable of being selfless and they end up expecting more happiness to come their way from certain doors of their liking that they might overlook happiness if it hit them in the face! I was telling my friend that we always expect something in return even when it’s something we should be doing anyways, and when we don’t get it, we get frustrated and resentful; hence, ruining the whole essence of the concept of sacrifice. So, before any of you blindly say they are capable of sacrifice, let me remind you, you DO NOT get anything in return; you just throw it to the wind and hope that it doesn’t throw it back at you hard where it hurts!! And just to end this cynical post, let me say this; when you pee in the wind, the wind blows it back in your direction, but it doesn’t work that way when you throw a kiss!

So there, I am a cynic for the day!! However, believe me when I say that I never believed in sacrifices and whenever I was conflicted about doing something against my will, I only did it because I thought it was the right thing, because I am rectifying something stupid I did before and had to pay my dues or simply because I had no better option, mesh batala!

I can’t think of a title!

Earlier this month, when A my colleague found out it was my birthday, he told me how his wife has a multi-personality disorder due to being a Gemini . He kept saying how she has two names; one her dad chose for her that she did not like; hence, every one calls her by her name of choice. He also elaborated that she was born on the 17th, but registered on the 18th; therefore she celebrated on the 17th, which caused him a lot of confusion so he ended up wishing her a happy birthday on both days to avoid any of her “Gemini madness”.

That was irrelevant, but it had to be said because on that very same day we received our medical insurance IDs and I rushed into his office asking him to confirm if her registered name was the one of the ID, since I know he always referred to her with her favorite name and when he made me fill the applications months ago he never mentioned she had a different name. my doubts were in place and the ID was issued with the wrong name which had me do more paper work to have it amended and have a new card issued and sent.

This was what led to this conversation that I still find hard to describe with any proper word!!

Moi *walking into M’s Office since A was there*: hey, here is R’s new medical ID, and here is the old one, my gift to her; now she also has two IDs with both names, as a Gemini, I know for a fact she will appreciate it :)
A *smiling*: shokran ya pasha, she will! Fe3lan el maganeen a7san nas yefhamo ba3d
Moi: merci ya 3a2el
A *looking at both cards*: OR I can marry another one bel esm el tany, now I have both covered medically
Moi: la ya sheikh!
Him: aiwa, mesh enty dayman bet2oleely etgawez tany (never happened of course)
Moi: no, not me, my crazy twin, or in your case, el twin el 3a2la ;)
Him *noticing my sarcasm*: feeha eh ya3ne lama atgawez tany, maho M ahoh 3ayez yetgawez tany
Moi *looking at M in disbelief*: ENTA YA M??!! dana ba2ool 3aleek tayeb we decent, mesh zay A!!
M *with his copyrighted dumb look*: ya3ne eh mesh fahem, howa 3ashan tayeb matgawezsh?
Moi: ba2oloko eh ana maleesh da3wa, ana rag3a maktaby
M: la la beggad… feeha eh lama atgawez, I wanna know your take
Moi: why would you want to remarry, I never met your wife, but you speak highly of her, and judging by the things you say enta meddala3 aslan, she’s a house wife and she’s taking care of your two sons and you strike me as a religious guy who wouldn’t like to inflict injustice to his good wife!
M *in a serious tone*: heya L fe3lan hayla and a perfect wife on so many level, bas ana fe3lan 3ayez atgawez tany
Moi *starting to have an aggressive tone*: leeh ba2a
A: tafasa!
Moi *laughing*: eh da 7atta A ra2yo men ra2yy!!
*A had a phone call so he had to leave the room*
M: L begad zooga kowayesa, bas feeha eh lama atgawez
Moi: eh elly mekhaleek 3ayez tetgawez… eh? Enta mel nas elly bey2olo sonna we keda?
M: no, ana mesh batgawez 3ashan fakerha sonna, howa feh nas bet2ol keda?
Moi: seme3t!
M: howa lazem yekoon feh sabab?
Moi: 3ala 7ad 3elmy la2 it’s a decision you make bas leeh shoroot shar3eya, lazem meratak teb2a 3arfa we mewaf2a….
M *interrupting*: we law mawaf2etsh?
Moi: mahy law mawaf2etsh men 7a2aha tetlob ettala2 we men 7a2ak 3aleeha ennak tettala2ha law enta mossamem tetgawez… enta ba2a shayef en mawdoo3 gawazak dab el ahameya el kafya ennak tehed beet we tegra7 meratak ell yenta nafsak betshkor feeha??
M: ya3ne howa da 3a2l, mesh men 7a2aha tetlob tettala2 law ana etgawezt!
Moi: la2 men 7a2aha, and you can double check!
M: fe wa7da tekhreb betha bardu
Moi *wishing looks could kill as I looked at him*: heya el set talabet tetala2 men nafsaha wala enta elly 3ayez tetgawez!!!!!!!!! We Kaman ana makhalastesh kalamy… shar3an, mesh rabena 2al en kheftom alla ta3delo fa wa7eda, ya3ne el 3adl da shart shar3y… we fe ra2y el motawade3, you won’t…
M: la fe3lan mesh ha3del… asl ana nefsy fe wa7da… ya3ne L hayla we motadayena we kol 7aga we ro7ha tayeba we nedeefa, bas ana 3ayez wa7da motadayena aktar
Moi *thinking to myself NA3AM*: ya3ne eh!!! Elly a3rafo en whatever your religious practices are, the only way you can impose them is by dedicated practice from your end… el deen qudwa just like any kind of behavior, I could be wrong bas da ra2y el khas!
M: te2sody eh?
Moi: ya3ne law wa7da mesh betsally, I think gozha mayenfa3sh ye2olaha tessaly gheer law howa aslant beyssally, we Kaman rabena elly bey7aseb mesh enta, enta leek el 7agat elly hatos2al 3anha feeha bas, we da bardo ra2y el motwade3 we momken awy atla3 mesh bafham!!
M: ana 3ayez wa7da motadayena zayy waktar, ya3ne lel 7a2 ana ah basaly el fard be fardo bas ana batfarag 3al tv we baroo7 cinema we basayef fe 7etat feeha women be mayohat…
Moi: mesh fahmak… *my phone rings* ba2olak I have to go answer the phone (phew, saved by the bell)

Now my own comment, with all respect, el ragel da ahbal wala beyestahbel!!! SERIOUSLY??? Tab ana mesh fahma we 3ayza afham we mesh 3ayza aghlat feeh la2en I used to respect him!! SERIOUSLY!!!!! I can’t find words!! SERIOUSLY!!! I wanna say “ye7ra2 el gawaz 3aly 3ayzeen yetgawezo” bas ba7awel ab2a mo2adaba!! SERIOUSLY!!!

A reoccurring thought!

Due to current events, as well as the not so great previous ones, I have been contemplating and trying to figure out a few things about myself using the information newly revealed by my therapist.

Here is what I could come up with…

I know I am hard maintenance and I know I am impossible to make up when angry. I have come to realize it's partially because I usually get too hurt beyond my ability to deal or express my feelings which is due to pushing myself too hard or allowing others to do the honors.

In the past few months, after my yelling contest with mid sis, which caused some piling up until the time that followed around a week before my birthday, in addition to my incident with baby sis, as well as the couple of times I stood before that jerk of a judge and , one thought kept surfacing. A thought that had lingered quite often during my last few months with my x. I could be that horrible I could be that impossible to endure or even tolerate!

I know all my flaws, or at least most of them. I’m proud to say I have worked on quite a few; I learned how to be tolerant and accepting of others and I toned down the attitude, plus a few lessons here and there. However, the truth remains; I am such a highly charged emotional baggage that does need some serious maintenance. I don’t cry a lot like I used to, I don’t even discuss things anymore; I just build thick walls of silence and passive aggression that could erupt any second into active aggression and incoherent rampaging of words.


It’s very unlikely for me now to sit down and say things like, “this annoys me and that hurts me.” When asked, I say it actually takes me quite a long time to be bothered despite how fiery my temper might seem to be. I assure friendly strangers with whom I have casual chats that there is nothing they can say or do that would piss me off; probably because I have no expectations from them; hence, no room for being disappointed if they fail me!

It hit me that this could go the other way around as well! With strangers, we are more accepting of things we wouldn’t normally accept from the ones in our close emotional circle; it’s a well known and acknowledged fact, I remember reading posts written by fellow bloggers who said it more eloquently.

That leaves me to a conclusion; it could be a harsh one, but it does make sense in my head somehow. I am a better friend that I can be a daughter, a sister, a wife, or even a mother for that matter. As a friend, I can still be comfortable, yet I keep my boundaries as much as I preserve myself from getting hurt by not expecting more than people can offer.

I am not a high maintenance friend; I understand about the need for space and I am not curious at all; when D or H subtly imply something and I sense they don’t really wanna talk about it, I let it slide and help them around it without having to get into it, whatever it is. When they call in tears needing support or asking for advice, I instantly use my vivid imagination to put myself in their shoes as well as the shoes of the person bothering them and help them find ways to communicate, which work most of the times to my surprise!!

H constantly tells me I am her best friend and that the times she calls me and I am unavailable, she knows for a fact that I will call back regardless of my non-ending drama. D tells me nothing about how good it is being my friend, but the way she’s been there for me all through the past 14 years means a lot to me and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I would do anything for those two ; they wouldn’t even need to ask, and I would go the extra mile to make something work, and I know for a fact they would do the same for me! Even if they don’t, I really don’t expect them to, because I actually feel their love for me, the uncondional love that I only experienced once and lost when my late nana died, Allah yer7amha.

As for other friends, they are simply great! They might not be as close because we have not yet gone through the same things that brought me that close to D & H, and our relationships may simply not last long enough until we do. Nonetheless, when it comes to friends, I do what I can to be a good friend and I strictly refrain from favors because I don’t want to raise the expectations bar. Yet when any of my friends do something extraordinary, it touches me deep inside and it is carved in my heart until after I return the favor, and I never stop thinking of ways in which I can return the favor!

But I must admit, I have miserably failed when it came to my family(ies). I always knew I was never a good enough daughter, but I thought for a while I was a good wife and a very good sister; I could be wrong after all, and it’s ok for I understand one cannot be great in all aspects.

This brings me back to my above mentioned reoccurring thought… I suck at all kinds of relationships other than friendship. I either disappointor get disappointed. I don't want to do it anymore; it’s too much work and there are no guarantees, not to mention how traumatizing it can be when things fall apart. I’ve been there and I still am and I am sore and unable to deal.

A so-called break

Two days ago, my baby sister called from Alex where she had gone with my dad to relax for a couple of days asking me if it was possible to take three days off from work and chaperone her to Sharm El Sheikh since baba would not let her travel alone. It was right after I had published my last post and I still don’t know if she had read it or not!

My first instinct to her request was, “ok, let me figure a couple of things out and talk to mom” since she was the one supposedly accompanying her. According to my sister, ma had bailed on her because I am too stressed out and she can’t just travel for a couple of days and leave me!! So now I am that much of a burden!!

Anyway, I had a doctor’s appointment the next day for my last wisdom tooth to be pulled out, I had already started taking antibiotics to prepare; therefore, I did not want to postpone. Moreover, I had not yet called my boss to ask him if it was ok to take three days off. I packed for two anyways; mocha and I and decided that I should be ready anyway.

While packing I subconsciously started making plans for my stay in the hotel room and I couldn’t shake the thought of getting a massage one way or another if mocha sleeps or something! However, the moment I finished packing I sat on my bed and I kept murmuring, “mesh 3ayza asafer, mesh 3ayza asafer!” I did not want to leave my beem and I most certainly couldn’t take both my kids with my sister leaving me all alone all day to her conference, let alone having to travel with her colleagues with two kids is just too weird!

The next day, I called my boss on my way to the dentist and he said that he would prefer it if I don’t leave and that he did not like how sudden my request was, somehow that was a relief. So I sent my sister text telling her to talk to mama and called ma telling her it was really ok for me that she goes with my sis. Later, while waiting at the clinic my other sister called asking me if I could drive both of my sisters to the place where they gather with other NGO members to leave, I told her I wouldn’t make it on time and that they should take a taxi or something.

I couldn’t help but feel like my virtual plans were ruined, but well, I also knew I had cold feet about leaving one of my kids at home! I kept telling myself that it was all for the best, and perhaps both of my sisters taking some time off would do everyone some good.

I started planning for the weekend getaway and called my father to confirm that I can proceed with making reservations if there was available rooms in el Ein el Sokhna. When I called him he was in a grumpy mood, he blamed me for making a promise to my sister to chaperone her and getting her hopes up that way, and he told me that it was either mama or I who should go with her and that one of us should keep her word!

So, I called my boss again and promised him I will be checking my mail regularly and finally got him to agree, then called my sister and told her to put some last-minute stuff in my already packed bag and meet me downtown to take the bus. Then I finally got into the dentist’s office who overheard most of the conversations anyway, and got my wisdom tooth pulled. It was painful and it still hurts like hell, it’s worth mentioning I am under both antibiotics and Panadol extra and I still feel like a couple of anesthetic shots!!

It was extremely HOT, and it took what seemed like forever to meet and then get into the small bus and then finally move on our way to Sharm and it took a bit more until the A/C had finally kicked in!! Meanwhile, my shades failed to hide the signs of utter disgust on my face as my teeth were clenched biting on that piece of bloody cotton hoping that the pain wouldn’t drive me crazy. Nonetheless, I kept thinking, perhaps it’s the break I wanted; perhaps I would finally get to relax, even if I didn’t get to sit by the beach or get a massage, I usually enjoy slacking around in a nice and cozy hotel room. I always look for something to keep me positive and I always tell convince myself that there is a good thing about going for something as well as there’s a good thing on not doing the same thing!!

My sister kept treating me as if I were an emotional wreckage for some reason! I did not want to ask her if she had read my post; instead, I just told her that I was fine with travelling with her and that she had to stop apologizing and start relaxing and enjoying the experience. I meant it, I promise.

It was a long ride, my no longer existing tooth was killing me and I kept gulping panadol extras as if it were Chiclets. It’s worth mentioning though that mocha was quite an angel all through; he slept and when he was up he really really behaved, I’m so proud of my baby.

On our way, my sister shared the delightful news; she had run out of contact lenses; moreover, while talking to my dad on the phone as he was telling her that her trip is to be cancelled if neither mama or me went with her, she threw her glasses and got them broken, which left her technically blind. This meant we had to look for a place that sells prescription contacts once we arrive at Sharm, which was not expected to be any earlier that 8:30 pm, and just to make things more interesting, it turned out we were not booked in Naema Bay and that the hotel (resort actually) was 7 kilos away! Great!

When we finally arrived, one of us had to stay and check in while the other had to ask around for advice on where to find an optician or a pharmacy that sells contacts. Since my sister had blurry vision in addition to her original bad sense of direction, I suggested that she would handle the checking-in while I go to Naema Bay.

It’s crazy how people in Sharm know to take advantage of 7 kilos distance from where I was to Naema Bay; one word: 7arameya!! Anyways, beggars are not chooser, but it sure made me miss my car. So, once I got there, I got to see the new ugly face of Sharm el Sheikh; it was by no means the place I liked six years ago! People were extremely unhelpful and unfriendly; and strapping mocha to me in his carrier was an additional factor for people to flee instead of offering help like it normally happened in good old Cairo!! Apparently, having a baby strapped to me eliminated the sexy factor, let alone being in jeans and a shirt while everyone was in their tank tops and shorts!

After some serious effort from my side to overlook some annoying factors as I walked in Naema Bay, I finally got the contacts and bought some drinks and dinner and headed home since my sis called saying there were no dinner arrangements at the hotel. She was having a bit of an attitude over the phone and I gave her some back because honestly, I was too tired to start taking any shit from anyone at that point.

I got back to find that she was still at the lobby with the luggage because our residence was too far away and she worried I wouldn’t find the way easily given how huge the resort is. So one tuf-tuf and one gold cart later, we finally got into one nice cozy room, with the touch of nice old Egyptian style! I was excited and I started thinking things were gonna get better, little did I know.

I got into the bathroom to freshen up to find a black evil looking spider; the fact that it was rather small did not change the bigger fact that I am a wuss when it comes to insects, spiders and similar creatures in general. However, a quick evaluation of the situation helped me overcome my fear temporarily and I took off my slipper and squished it while screaming a lot louder than it would have had been given the chance! I got out of the bathroom all grossed and my mood was ruined, only it didn’t really show with all the fatigue.

Mocha stopped being an angel since he was bored, tired, hungry and simply irritated like any infant his age would. And to make things worse, he dropped a full pepsi can on his toe and it turned all blue and ugly and the poor thing kept crying! I could barely eat my meal despite how hungry I was and I asked my sis after noticing that she had finished eating to take him so that I can finish up. She kept nodding and mumbling things.

It’s worth mentioning that she had already provoked the crap out of me as I was telling her that next time we want food we should go out and eat instead of bring food into the room. She said she had dinner arrangements with the conference people, so I told her she should join me afterwards so that she can help me with mocha as I had dinner before heading back to the hotel. She simply said with her usual condescending tone, “ana 3andy fekra a7san, we split the money, we kol wa7ed feena ma3 nafso.” At that point I just waved with my hand asking her to stop talking and silently decided that it was a stupid idea to drag my son and go to a place where I simply wouldn’t be able to move freely for his convenience.

Mocha was still grumpy and irritated and I asked her again to take him so that she can comfort him until I finish up and wash my hands. Instead, she deliberately ignored me and started cleaning up after herself! I told her I would clean up for the two us and that it was more important that she attended to him since he needed comforting. Again, she insisted on ignoring me with her usual dismissive way that usually gets on my nerves.

That was it for me; I’ve been piling shit loads of crap from everyone in my family for a while, my tooth was killing me, I was having muscular strain because of that stupid carrier, my toes were hurt because of not-for-walking-long-distances slippers, I was still hungry since I didn’t really get to eat having to handle mocha, and I was still traumatized by the spider incident… I did not need attitude and most certainly not from someone who does not appreciate my help five hours after she wouldn’t stop apologizing for causing me that much trouble!!

I held my cell and I called mama asking her to come the next day so that I could go back. She kept making fun of my spider encounter and said how I once made them switch hotels because I found a roach. When she finally sensed how angry my tone was she figured I had a fight with my sis and handled the phone to baba who kept yelling at the two of us and said that if we couldn’t suck it up and behave like grownups we should return to Cairo at that instance.

Meanwhile, my dear sister blurted all sorts of insensitive shit that I think ruined our relationship for a while now. It’s sad how I thought of a million things to hurt her by saying, but I only said things like “law ma7taramteesh nafsek hagy adrabek” I almost had the urge to go punch her or something, but I held back because something in me screamed that I couldn’t do this to my sister! But I am mad at her despite how she kept crying and apologizing for all the mean things she said. Thing is, I was deeply hurt by what she said, and I know it will take me quite a while to be able to pretend it never happened.

Having her tell me I was a whiner who did not know how to do anything but complain, how I am always insisting on being right and doing things my way and never compromising brought painful memories I have been trying to block and almost succeeded until yesterday. But it helped me decide something; I am moving out, I may not be able to afford it, so I will ask for financial help from my dad which I was not willing to do before. However, I think it’s better that I keep a healthy distance between my sisters and I.

We tried to talk afterwards; in fact, she kept saying how we needed to talk and I kept shutting her off. I don’t wanna talk anymore; I no longer do those heart-to-heart-opening-up talks. I may be as talkative as hell, but once I am offended that way, I just prefer to keep my mouth shut. She kept saying how we’re still sisters and how she loves me and asked me if I loved her back, I found myself looking the other way as I told her I hated that word and I no longer believed people could actually mean it without hiding behind it as the inflicted pain on their loved ones. She said I was being silly because our sibling love is much higher than that, I didn’t have it in me to tell her that it wasn’t, and that after the things she said, I was only interested in us being sisters in a formal way, whatever that is.

Call me 3ayela for not willing to talk things through, but I am beginning to think that some feelings are better left un-discussed and un-channeled. I must confess, detachment never felt so appealing.

I had a bad night, but then again, I’ve had worse. Mocha didn’t seem comfy in his sleep either. You know your nights sucked when you fall to restless sleep after 2:00 am to wake up on your own for no good reason at 6:00 am. We showered and got out of the room to have breakfast at 7:30. On our way to the restaurant mocha fell as he was insisting on walking and running, so I told my sis to leave us there and catch her group while I took care of him, which resulted in us losing track of one another and having breakfast in two different restaurants. Luckily the waiters in my restaurant were helpful and friendly, and mocha enjoyed poking his food as I fed him.

I finally got back to the room and actually had some sleep once I checked my work mail and sent out some replies using dial-up since there is no wi-fi in the room, let alone that it costs over 26 egps an hour!!

Shortly after waking up, I got into the bathroom to find a gecko. I screamed so loud, I think I heard echo! Why! WHY would I find a spider yesterday and find a gecko today?! I decided against using the bathroom until further notice, which happened around 40 minutes later when mocha decided he needed a change!

I got into the bathroom offering the tiny gecko a treaty and promising I wouldn’t even consider harming it as long as it remained hidden! The gecko kept its promise, but as I got closer to the lavatory, I spotted a vicious looking spider on the wall next to the mirror, and it was significantly bigger than the one I killed yesterday, 3aaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

That was it! I cleaned up mocha in a hurry, got out, got dressed, called customer care and asked them to send someone from housekeeping and almost freaked at the guy when I sense how he was trying to contain his laughter, which made him apologize.

I spent around 30 minutes at the unit lobby playing with mocha until the room was done. I got back into the room to find some customer care dude checking if I was satisfied with how clean the room have supposedly become. I think that’s code for me being their joke for the past 30 minutes; I know it makes me sound paranoid, but you should have heard the tone.

I slept again once mocha was asleep, this time it was for a longer time, only my sleep was dreams about my x pointing a gun at me through a door and I could see through it, followed by my own attempt to kill myself! Ain’t life just grand?!

I woke up to find a text message from my sis saying that she was expected back 20 minutes ago and that she had already ate lunch. I called her asking if she felt like dinner together, she said there were dinner arrangements with her colleagues that she was going to ditch because she didn’t feel like eating and that she needed to rest.

She came back and asked how my day was, I told her it was ok. She said, “enty betharagy, makalateesh men sa3et el fetar le7ad delwa2ty” I told her I made an order shortly before she came back and that it was expected any minute.

So far, I hate that I came to Sharm, I hate the city, I hate the resort even though it’s supposedly five stars, I hate the cable tv that only has one channel in English, CNN and two channels in Arabic, Al Jazira & Rotana Cinema! I hate the fight I had with my sister, I hate having missed work to be trapped in a secluded place where I don’t even feel like getting out of my room because of the unbearable heat. I hate that my plans starting the next weekend two days earlier to go to el Ein el Sokhna are practically ruined.

I am starting to think my sisters are right; perhaps I can do nothing but complain! I think I have gotten used to wallowing instead of actually doing something about it; I think I have become addicted to misfortunes because it’s easier to whine than it is to change things and shake them up! Or maybe I wasn’t clear! I need a vacation either without both of my kids where I am assured they are well taken care of and happy or a vacation with both of them with me, plus someone who babysits until I get my own treats. At this point, I am not even sure if anything can work for me; therefore, I will no longer have hopes or wishes, I give up.

… and the volcano erupted…

Three weeks ago, I went to my art therapist for my second time. I had agreed with him that I do the drawing at home and visit for the analysis in order to not waste time waiting for my turn since it seems to be really hard for my family to babysit my kids.

I remember one of my drawings was done when I was having a fight with my sister. Also, I remember that during most of my drawings I would remember something upsetting and I would try to put it into whatever it is I was coloring! I had forgotten about that until he mentioned it. He looked through my drawings and made a note about how I still seem to have not found myself, and then he said, “Your reactions tend to be extremely violent and aggressive! However, it seems they get that way when you’re really provoked and pushed beyond your limits; otherwise, you’re very peaceful”.

We were interrupted for a while and then when we resumed, I agreed with him. He told me that my anger was basically harming me, not those who trigger it… that my violence and aggression have a negative impact only on me. I commented that I tend to be on the angry side and that i seem to have been supressing it for a while now, he explained that anger is usually a reaction in the form of feelings that need to be expressed and channeled; otherwise, it would turn into depression. He said the optimum thing for me was to learn to channel my anger and express it in the form of being more assertive.

I was shocked to hear he thought I was not assertive enough; I always thought I was! Everyone around me always made not to subtle comments about my attitude and my strong character and how sometimes I behave more like a male rather than the average submissive female!! He argued that it’s different, that I tend to be too nice to those I care for, that I might pressure myself into taking more than I can handle out of my care and out of my tendency to walk in their shoes.

I tried to argue, but I couldn’t find much to say. He proved his point by referring to my x and how I endured more than I should have and waited until I was pushed too hard and simply couldn’t take anymore. He warned me that I should not allow those who love me to push me beyond my limits. He said I should make my boundaries clear and explain the things I am not willing to take clearly enough in a black/white kinda way; that I should be more assertive that way.

I have been thinking about that since that last session. I’ve been watching myself dealing with my family. As a matter of fact, my friends know my boundaries, they have all experienced angry me and they simply know how to avoid her; nonetheless, my family never knew how to avoid angry me although they have had numberless encounters with her!!

In the past three weeks, I have been on the verge of losing my temper with my mom and my two sisters, and I have really wanted to talk to them and practice my therapist’s advice because I did not want to start having grudges with people I care for. I’ve been putting off that kind of talk for until I am calm enough to do it in an assertive way rather than an angry way.

Seems like I have been putting it off for quite a long time… because today I erupted.

I find my mom pretty abusive with her words and her implications. I feel that she always gives me the biggest dosage because I am the one who fails to ignore her. She’s been making not so subtle comments about how much mess and noise my kids are making, how I should be a better mother when she herself has failed to be a better mother for me for the past 27 years! She doesn’t see her failure, she doesn’t realize that my sisters spending time in their rooms or out with friends to avoid communicating with her.

My parents do not understand my daily battle with myself talking myself out of blaming them. I hate blaming people, especially when it has to do with my own wrong decisions… but here are the facts…

My parents were suffocating me since before I have become a teenager; strict curfews, continuous invasion of my privacy, and constant abuse of my social life!! They made marriage sound more like a getaway plan rather than a choice, so finding someone I loved made it even better; I dressed him on a shiny armor and put him on a white horse and jumped with utter joy when he reached out for my hand!! Now that I am back broken, I will resume the life style they once imposed on me out of their protection of me from what people would think of a divorcee!!

Perhaps I would have been more accepting of it if they applied the same kind of treatment with my younger sisters. But no!! they seem to give them more space to do things I was never allowed to and until now I don’t think I would be allowed to do!! It drives me crazy that I actually had to tell a lie about where I was the other day to have a couple of hours with a friend!! I am 27 for the love of God!!! 7aga teksef!! I know my sisters lie and twist facts a lot to get away with whatever it is they want to do; I taught them that, but to do it myself at this age is just humiliating.

I NEED A BREAK PEOPLE… I am sorry if you find my desperate need for a break too much to ask for or think it’s some sort of an irresponsible behavior. If you call this irresponsible, what do you call what my x has been doing!! Ok, strike that, I refuse to be compared to him. But I do need a break, I think I deserve one and I don’t think it’s a selfish thing to have one, no strings attached. I want a peaceful night were I can simply watch the stars in the sky and listen to my music, I need a massage, I need time with my best friend were I can catch up without having to watch out for either beem or mocha and worry about them harming themselves or each other!!

Now my two sisters… I’ve been passive aggressive with both for a while now, but I am sorry gals, you really have been pushing me! Both of you know that I love you too insanely and that the thought of us getting that distant is extremely painful to me… but lately, it seems like you don’t give the slightest care, and it hurts.

You don’t have to be that condescending, you don’t need to detach that way, you don’t need to judge that much, you don’t have to be that insensitive with all the things you say, do and even imply!! You are four years and six years younger than me and alhamdulilah neither of you have done my mistakes and if you still want me in your lives as a friend, not just a sister, I will always make sure you don’t repeat any of my mistakes, but it seems you don’t even care that much for me as a sister.

I don’t even know how to explain it in details because it’s too raw and I am too sore that way!!

I detach when strangers piss me off. I simply act all snobbish and arrogant and stop sympathizing. Lately you’ve been hurting me in so many ways and treating me in this particular way as if I did something terrible, and I am sorry but I don’t see what I have done; if anything, I think I should start acting that way and start detaching for preservation purposes.

And no, I have not started it and yours is not a reaction to something I have done like you keep saying. That day you wrote that you only react, I tried to think of my action so hard but I couldn't put my hand on it! If I had done anything that earned me that so called reaction, I would have taken it better, because I am very aware of my actions and I do take full responsibility for them. And this makes it hurt even more.

My dear family, you think I have been taking enough time to heal and stand back on my feet. In fact, you’ve supported me for quite a while, and I am thankful, but I have not healed yet, and I am sorry if by saying that I seem like a whining b!^$# but I have not healed! I am feeling better; I started feeling better with your help, but now, you’re denying me that help and suggesting that I don’t even deserve it!!

I wanna lash out and tell you that I don’t need your help or your support and that I would rather move out and rely on myself. But sadly, I can’t; and the fact that I can’t makes it twice as hard for me to suck it up and adapt. How can I adapt when I feel so helpless and dependant?! Every time I see things for what they are that way, I resent my life and I resent my choices. I try not to blame anyone but me, and usually I blame no one but myself.

I blame me for taking a lot more than I can handle from each and every one I cared for. I blame myself for walking in too many shoes when the ones I care for did not bother walking in mine when I needed it the most! I am ashamed at myself for that, because I always always believed that any relationship has to be both ways, and that one should never give more than they take unless at other times they take more than they give. Looks like I gave too much and when I needed to take some more than I gave my check bounced.

I am not badly hurt or heartbroken; I am not even that disappointed. I have already talked to my mother in an erupting manner followed by a calmer manner. As usual, she had to misinterpreted some of what I said into siblings jealousy which infuriated me, but I explained that I never wanted anything my sisters had that I didn’t, simply because I am aware than I had other things they never had, she will never get it though. But I decided to talk to my sisters; if not today, then perhaps when they read this… they’re welcomed to come discuss it provided they don’t do it when I am in one of my pseudo happy moods, I cherish those and I would hate to have them ruined because they are the closest I get to happy.

So there, the volcano erupted, and alhamdulilah it wasn’t that bad. It was much worse in my head.

Judge a book by its cover, and you may never read me!

• M: el net bateee2a awy awy awy el naharda, 3andek keda
  bardu?
  Me: *nodding* but I just restarted the router men hena, shoof keda
  tany… heya ba2et a7san showaya!
  Him: *almost out of my room, then remembered something and turned* 3amalty eh?
  Me: *innocently* 3amalt lel router restarting!
  Him: meneen???
  Me: men 3al pc hena!!
  Him: how did you do that?
  Me: ta3ala hawareek
  Him: *standing next to me to see the monitor as I showed him, then gasping and saying in a surprised tone* enty bete3rafy te3meleeh men hena!!!
  Me: yeah! Enta awel mara te3rafha?
  Him: I know it akeed, bas matakhayltesh ennek bete3rafy, the way you handle things just… *couldn’t find the words*
  Me: *laughing* that does not sound like something nice, but it’s ok, now you know you should give me a lot more credit than that

It’s true!! People in real life always always seem to get the wrong impression of me. On my blog I babble a lot and share too many things it makes it easier for whoever reads it able to guess what I am like in real life. In real life however, people don’t get to know what I am really like until I am comfy enough to share!

I usually keep a calm smile, and keep my opinions to myself until asked; I hold back sarcasm so that I wouldn’t offend people who have not yet gotten used to the fact that this is how I channel a lot of things.

People usually mistakenly describe me as: hadya, ra2ee2a, mehawda, talabaty 2olayela, and a3saby hadya!!! They simply don’t get it; when I behave that way, it’s because I don’t care about expressing my point and I have no problem not reacting to whatever it is they’re saying or doing! But once I am comfortable enough, or provoked for that matter, I show all shades of my true color, and I don’t care!!

Another thing, I don’t do a lot of things because I don’t feel like doing them. When I say I don’t know how to do that, chances are I never even bothered trying because I know someone else has the know-how and would do them smoothly without me having to take the time and learn how to do them myself. Usually when I decide that I should do them, I do them, and I do them well; I kinda am a fast learner!

Here are a list of things I always say I don’t know how to do, simply because I never thought I would need to do them, and I still don’t!

• - Change tires… de el meeza el wa7eeda fel sha3b el masry, 7ubbo le mosa3det el shaba el me7tasa!! How can I deprive them of that? Seriously though, I would have it done and pay for it if I had to, otherwise park and leave the car and send my dad’s driver… I know I am a spoilt brat that way
• 
  - Bargain… I am against the concept; I believe in the seller’s right to profit, if I were the once selling something I would hate it when people deny me that… if I think something is over priced and I'm being ripped off, toz felly beybe3ha, snobbish I know!
• 
  - Set up any software on the pc other than the day-to-day kinda stuff and preliminary settings of printers and scanners… if it gets complicated I ask someone to do it, and they usually take some time to figure it out on their own, ya3ne mesh bastahbel!
• 
  - Read manuals before using anything… I rely on instinct, if I get stuck on something I check the manual, but reading the manual before trying is something I just wouldn’t do
• 
  - Speak better Arabic… ana batkalem 3araby kowayes geddan, homma kam kelma everyone I know makes fun of… I know how to say them properly, it’s just that I got used to saying them the way I do… ok, and I am really bad with some plurals… eh gam3 toktok masalan???

I can’t think of more now, but you get the general idea…

M has been working with us for less than a month now, but after this conversation, he realized I am not as ignorant to technology as I seem to be judging by how I told him I didn’t know so many things before as well as asking him to format my pc.

A on the other hand was just telling my boss “de 7o2na! de lama te7ot fe demaghha te3mel 7aga, khalas hate3melha, and in her own way, mayetkhafsh 3aleeha, wana elly kont ba2ool 3aleeha helpless we me7taga 7ad yakhodlaha 7a2aha!!”… I reminded him of when he used to say “qanoo3a we mesh betefre2 ma3aky ay 7aga, we ya batkht goozek beeky”, he said “and you are, mahonto keda ya borg el gawza2”

It could be a Gemini thing… now I know there is enough Gemini bloggers here to tell me if it’s true ;)

Mmmmm…

In the past week, if not even before, I have been figuring more things out about myself!! Some of them I have already known in a “they-kinda-make-sense” way and were simply re-identified, while other things came to my attention as a shock!

My previous two posts seem to be a result of me taking some time to contemplate and figure out some more about who I am with respect to all the things I’ve been finding out.

So, in the spirit of finding out even some more, I will be posting about my new discoveries for the purpose of documenting as well as sharing; perhaps it would help me know yet more about moi!!

Who knows, may be I would actually find something to write in the About me space!!

For the time being…

I never really knew where I wanted to be…
I never really knew who I was,
And I never really knew what I wanted!

I always thought it was enough to know where I did not want to be…
I found peace in knowing what I was not,
And I was convinced about the things I did not want!

Apparently, that was not always the best approach!!

Turns out, I spent too much time avoiding where I did not want to go, instead of going places…
I realized that knowing what I was not, didn't define who I was,
And it hit me that I missed some good things just because I didn’t know I wanted them!

Too many ups and even more downs, yet I am still baffled!
However, in a very brief moment of clarity, it hit me…

For the time being, I know where I am…
For the time being, I know what I want!!
At least for the time being, and perhaps for a limited period of time!

I have an outline of who I am, but I am still trying to figure that out…
It’s taking some time, but I am ok with it;
Because once I know who I am,
I will be able to know where I want to be and what I want when things change

All I am asking for is more of that peace,
And more signs to let me know I am on the right path…
At least, for the time being!

My Favorite Things

As if I wasn’t quirky enough!

I know it’s a bit late, and I know Kov probably forgot, but here… I won’t write the rules, everyone knows them by now…

• 
  1- I don’t “aghammes”; I eat whatever with a fork/spoon, then take bites of bread! My x used to be embarrassed that his faffy wife eats fool with fork… before anyone makes any related jokes, my dad was the one who taught me that, and he was pretty strict about touching food with our fingers (only thumb and index). Oh, and when I do, I keep sniffing my hands and washing them over and over until I can no longer smell food. No wonder I hated cooking.
  
  2- I am not good with any kind of social protocols we Egyptians seem to excel. I don’t insist that visitors drink something when they visit, I offer sincerely, they say no, I don’t push!! I don’t throw food in their plates during lunch or dinner. I don’t feel comfortable fighting over who gets the bill at a café. And most of all, I am lousy at giving tips; I don’t know how much to give or how to give it, I turn red and I completely avoid eye contact!!
  
  3- I have too vivid an imagination, and not always in a good way, so if I happen to be worked out about something and I am feeling too negative about it, trust me, I live the worst-case scenario in my head, sometimes I cry! I have relived my divorce in my head in so many scenarios so far!
  
  4- I don’t ask people for favors, I don’t know how! And I feel extremely uncomfortable when someone does me a favor or any nice gesture, and it keeps haunting me until I return it.
  
  5- I barely lose touch with my surroundings even in my sleep. It’s not just about insomnia, I am a light sleeper; my mind barely shuts down! If I’m lucky, things that happen around me find their way into my dreams without disturbing me. It’s worth saying I am not always that lucky!
  
  6- I have an extraordinary ability of blocking painful things away from my memory and not reacting to them at the moment; this is how I survived the past two years! Problem is, sometimes my mind stops performing that task when I am exhausted and it’s like you pulled the plug on your freezer; a serious meltdown of unpleasant thoughts!
  

There Kov, you can’t say I don’t keep my word, the tag is done :)

Oh, and if you feel like doing this tag, be my guest, just leave me a comment so that I can check it out.

Close enough to craziness...

I’m tired
I know it’s only natural, but that’s not what I meant...
I’ve been tired since before it had started!
I’ve been disillusioned and disappointed before I had made up my mind; and that was tiring
People have no idea what their words can do, or even their silences...
No one knew how tired I already was before it even started...
They assumed I was ready and prepared just because I insisted on saying I was...
Sometimes they would say but you’re too young and weak, this will be too much...
Some other times they shoot me with their condemning looks for being too strong for a woman!
But I am neither that strong, nor that weak...
I am just tired...

I could use a break, but I don’t seem to be getting any!
It’s not about whining or complaining; I am aware of my blessings...
I count them everyday, I promise...
But when I feel that tired and sleep deprived, my mind plays its vicious tricks on me...
I realize how decayed my social life is...
I am confronted by my dead-end life...
The numberless responsibilities and decisions I have to make...
And I’m overwhelmed, scared, and mostly tired...

Sometimes I pretend it never happened... any of it...
I did not find myself where I am; in fact, I am still at the very beginning...
One look in the mirror ends my pretences, one look!
Whenever I walk past a mirror, I see her... me
She’s different from how I remember her, everything about her is different!
Yeah, the same hair color, the same eye color... but not the same face!
I catch myself lingering at that person in the mirror trying to figure out how someone who looks exactly the same can somehow look so different!!
People could simply mistake it for vanity... I wish it were!

Every night before I surrender to my insomnia and settle for whatever half-awake sleep it allows me to have, I dream of a better place... better times...
In the past, present or even the future...
I think of one moment of peace and happiness and focus on it, hoping I would be able to expand it and live it over and over again
I overlook the mark his ring left on my finger that for some reason itches from time to time
I pretend to forget the scar left by my c-sections that hurts in my head despite it being dead tissue!
I forget the calls that get me out of my very few fun moments out with friends reminding me I have responsibilities...
I forget how vulnerable my kids are and how much they need me to be a mother, not this

Then, all my attempts of finding my own fantasyland are interrupted...
By a screaming baby, the callings of a child, the yelling of a parent, or simply an unwelcomed phone call
Denying me my dreams, the little sleep I was about to have
And even worse, reminding me that I won’t be having much from now on
Now, how can I not be tired?

The annoying post!

I don’t know the reason; it could be that it’s been a year, or the fact that my clueless colleagues keep suggesting we arrange for family outings with our spouses and kids since it’s summer, or it could simply be my anticipation over the whole court proceedings, but I have been remembering some annoying things said and done by him that cross my mind causing me to get angry until I just smile hysterically and think to myself “what goes around comes around, I just hope he gets it tripled!!”

So I am sorry dear blog readers, I don’t mean to get on your nerves, I just need to let them out so they do not take the much needed space in my head… feel free to skip; however, if you’re too curious, feel free to leave a comment saying what jerk he is… it always makes me smile :)


On my last birthday, this was his gift… I was still at my parents’ recovering from child birth; I was the one who drove all the way to Zamalek to pick him up so that he can come spend the night with us in Maadi! This is how it went…

• Him (all smilingly and lovingly): Thank you habibty for the gift, I’m the one who should get you something… but how did you know my right size after all the weight loss?
  Me (thinking WHAT NOW): HUH??!!
  Him (in a suspecting tone): enty mesh geety men showaya we tala3teely 7aga ma3 el bawab? Enty konty ma3aky meen, enty olteely on the phone e7na 3and semiramis??
  Me: mesh fahma!! I just came right after I called, beem is the one with me in the car since I left home!! I did not drop anything for you and I simply have not seen el bawab!!
  Him (in a tone that spells trouble): la maho mesh wa7ed mel bawabeen elly te3rafeehom, wa7ed beyeb2a mawgood from time to time… he said el madam gat we sabetlak da
  Me (ana 3arfa eno yoom edwed): eh da?
  Him: This t-shirt I’m wearing!
  Me (OH, I just noticed you’re wearing what looks like a t-shirt a 17 year old would wear, bright red, bright written text, and wow it’s tight!!): oh, this is new! I thought you had this since you’re high school/working out days!
  Him (showing off): no it’s new, enty makhadteesh balek men my new style!
  Me (oh my God it’s become a style, great, I’m married to a 30 year old dork): erm, ummm, ok! (change the subject change the subject CHANGE THE FREAKIN SUBJECT) so meen ba2a elly gabetlak el t-shirt we 3arfa ma2asak (yeah right!!)
  Him (3amel mo7rag): mafeesh gheer wa7da, bas ana mesh 3aref heya betfakkar ezzay…
  Me (interrupting impatiently and starting to get irritated): call her now we 2ollaha teegy takhod el zefta de wetla3 law sama7t elbes 7aga Tanya!!
  Him (showing how upset he is because of my attitude): gara eh ya3ne, enty et3asabty leeh, balash ne2leb el yoom nakad…

Of course el nakad followed and then he gave me long speech about how controlling and intolerable I have been since the day he met me; he did a good number that night that I sat down and wrote the most depressing post ever!! That was the beginning of the end.


Around the days he decided to come clean so we can give that train wreck of a marriage another try, thank God it did not work…

• Him (in a fake reminiscing tone): fakra awel film ro7na cinema sawa
  Me (yeah, tas if that was the best memory ever): yeah, Gladiator
  Him (laughing in that provocative way he doe when he wants me to ask him why he’s laughing): 7aga ghareeba awy!
  Me (I will not ask I WILL NOT ASK): yeah fe3lan 7aga ghareeba en awel film shofnah sawa u enjoyed it very much while I didn’t! wait a minute, we barely like the same movies!!
  Him (disappointed I did not ask): mesh asdi
  Me (bardo won’t ask): ok!
  Him (giving up and deciding to share anyways): asl awel film ro7to ma3aha kan 300… she didn’t enjoy it either
  Me (I WILL NOT CALL HER NAMES I WILL NOT REACT): ok ana mesh 3ayza atkalem delwa2ty ma3ak (DAMN, THIS IS A REACTION)
  Him (pretending it was not done on purpose): enty ze3elty?
  Me (mesh harrod): …
  Him (impatiently): la enty ba2eety amassa awy!!
  Me (I HATE HIM I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T)
  

For no good reason he decided to tell me what he liked about her!! Yes, he’s that crude!

• Him: 3arfa mezetha 3annek eh?
  Me (mezetha!!): kheir! I didn’t know she was better in me in anything!
  Him: not better, bas she was independent, law el 3arabeya 3etlet tezo2aha, te7eseeha ragel, laken enty dalloo3a we 3ala tool lady keda!
  Me (yanhar eswed! Ana daloo3a!! ANA!!): no one ever called me that, if anything people tell me ana be meet ragel!
  Him: fakra lama el 3arabeya 3etlet back when we were dating we 3ayatty?
  Me: I was 19!!! Kont mezawagha we ayla le ahly eny gowa el maadi we kona fel do2y, it was the first time I lie that way and I was gonna get caught!! Sorry, that was serious!!
  Him: tab law 3etlet mennek el 3arabeya delwa2ty hate3mely eh?
  Me: harkenha wakalem baba aw akalemak teb3atooly 7ad!
  Him (in a victory tone): EXACTLY
  Me: excuse me, I no longer drive a manual, and I have two kids!!
  Him: la2 enty daloo3a and you’re impatient and you like things done in a certain way, mat2aw7eesh
  Me: sa7, I am all that, why do u put up with me? and while you’re at it, do you even know the things I put up with?? Can you hear enta a3ed bet2ool eh??

When I finally decided to insist on divorce and announced it to him…

• Him (in a crying tone): ya3ne khalas, welly benna?
  Me (in a cruel tone): enta elly bawazto…
  Him (arguing): enty kaman makonteesh sahla, enty 3arfa how tough you can be…
  Me (interrupting): aw ana elly bawazto, it doesn’t matter, it’s over, I will not try anymore…
  Him: weladna?
  Me: hayefdalo weladna… bas da a7san
  Him: a7san ezzay?
  Me: ok, ha2olhalak besara7a… enta khalas no longer el bany 2adam elly 2a2dar a7ebo, wala atheq feeh wala a7termo… ba3d kol elly 3amalto feya, ba3d kol el kedb, ba3d el kheyana, ba3d el kalam elly olto 3alaya… a7san ab3ed 3ashan a3raf akhaly weladak ye7termook like I no longer can… (yes, I meant to repeat how I no longer respected him)

Later, he told everyone that I was “set mesh mo7tarama: for actually daring to tell my man that I don’t respect him!! No, he never admitted to the cheating that he told me about in unnecessary details and he never admitted there was even a platonic relationship; everyone he talked to thinks I am a delusional spoilt brat who did not appreciate the great husband he is!! I stopped explaining; yes, I said I did not respect him and the fact that he told people proves that I was right!!

Months ago, when we met in court for the first time…

• Him (trying to sound all kind): mesh 3ayza feloos?
  Me (be montaha el araf): you really think I need money?!!!!
  Him: I know you would never ask your dad for anything, I know you never ask anyone for anything
  Me: all the more reasons I would never ask YOU… anyways, I don’t need money alhamdulilah… remember how you always told me rez2y wase3, well, it’s true! Alhamdulilah

Later when we failed to talk in any civil manner, then he started talking about my dad with disrespect, so I stormed out of the room and asked the social worker to take t from there…

• Him: dana 7ata oltelha takhod feloos!!
  Me (totally losing my temper): enta enta enta…. (I couldn’t find an Arabic word for cheap and I didn’t wanna sound like a spoilt brat to the non English speaking social workers!!)

Last time we met at court in front of the judge and under oath…

• Him: dana 7atta metala3ha 3umra!
  Me (about to scream in disblief): ma7asalsh!!!!!!!
  The judge (screaming at me): masma3sh 7ess, ma7adesh yetkallem men gheer ezn

Later, outside the Judge’s room as his lawyer was trying to make us reconcile (reconcile my a**)

• Me (allowing myself to lose my temper, finally): enta tala3teny 3omra!! Enta!! Tab kont talla3 nafsak, 7atta takhod thawab beggad, la wala 3ala eh, enta mash bete3raf te2ool kelma wa7da sed2!!
  Him (be kol berood): ana mesh katabtelek mowaf2a mowathaqa menny ennek enty wel welad tesafro!!
  Me (ta2reeban kont batnattat): oh my God, you really believe the crap that comes out of you!! you really sound convincing enough to yourself!! Ba3d eznak ya ostaz folan (the lawyer), ana harawa7 lewlady!!
  Him: welady elly 7armany menhom?!
  Me: No no no no no, you don’t get to sound like a victim on that one… your son’s birthday party was weeks ago and you didn’t even bother showing up!! Weladak mesh me7tageen wa7ed zayak, we da men fadl rabena 3aleehom
  Him: rabena kebeer we shayef we 3aref, khaly el mo7amy beta3ek yedaya3lek mosta2balhom, dafa3teelo kam 3ashan ye7remhom men aboohom

My lawyer simply grabbed my arm and took me out of the building before I lose my mind!!


There’s a lot more but this is already four pages worth on word!!!! I feel better now knowing that the few people who will endure reading it till the end will probably leave me a comment that will make me smile!!

My babies…

I’m at work, obviously not working!

And it just hit me, I miss my kids!! Yeah, I was too tired yesterday I slept like a log and I remember shooing them out of the room in grumpy sleepy manner. Since I did not spend time with them, I seem to be making up by it by talking about them to everyone who mentions them!!

I ran out of people, so I am sharing a few things… However, be warned, this is all mushy and cute and contains mommy material that can make some people nauseous!


My Beem…

His recognition of trademarks and brand names is simply outstanding!! It started out with associating car brands to their owners! Like how Peugeot is the brand my dad drives and so on. It would only take him seeing the brand once and he would associate it to the person who happened to be there!! He calls Skittles “batabata” because Batabeet was the first one to give it to him!! And he is capable of recognizing McDonald’s golden arches anywhere; moreover, he knows the way to go from where we live!!! He recognizes Adidas… it is his father’s brand when it comes to sports wear… I find it surprising that he still points at the logo saying Adidas and refers to his father; it has been around 10 months!! He associates Pepsi with me and Lipton with my dad, he even recognizes Kodak for photos! And that includes all logos to every brand!!!! I am not sure, but I think it’s worth mentioning that I used to work with trademarks during my first pregnancy!!

He is very kind hearted and sweet regardless how angry he gets. I don’t think he’s capable of harm; it’s usually more of a reaction to him. Like he would be really angry and giving me that mean stare my baby sis refers to as “the stare of the little boy from the movie Identity”, then I would say something I know would make him laugh and in a split second he’s smiling like nothing was upsetting him!!! He’d be attempting to hit, bite or pinch me or his brother and I start tickling him, he cracks up and it’s a different mood!! I love him.

He’s a typical “ya wad ya t2eel” kinda kid! He would spend hours and hours giving strangers intense stares; not the acknowledging kind of stares, more like the intimidating don’t-you-dare-make-friends-with-me kind or the you-do-not-exist-in-the-scope-of-my-vision kind!! But once he knows you and he’s really familiar with you, he’d be too nice and friendly; he’d even be willing to share his candy with you!! That’s A LOT, trust me :) And he’s popular among the girls at the nursery too ;)

He has imaginary friends. I keep running into him playing with non existing people explaining rules to games in his not so easily understood dialect and he also explains that “mama bet2ool mes ne3mel keda…” which makes me smile because he actually listens to my rules even if he does not do by them!!


My Mocha…

We refer to him in so many words that have to do with “egram”!! I swear, the kid is motacharred, but in the most charming way possible!! He has a smile that brightens up my mood, and those big brown eyes of his just make me wanna keep kissing his little cheeks until he pulls away!

You know how sometimes we parents make all sorts of wild guesses about our kids’ future professions based on their early interests… my number one expectation of Mocha’s career is mokhber or a shaweesh (as illustrated in Egyptian Black/White movies by el shaweesh 3atteya)!! You know that dude who yanqad we ye2fesh el wa7ed men afah!! He does it all the time as his way of greeting; he practically throws his not so much of weight as he gives you the feeling that you’re being caught!! And don’t forget the amazing smile.

He hates bathing and showering! He does!! The moment he sees me filling up the tub or senses any arrangement of his post shower, he freaaaakes and starts bending himself violently trying to make me let go of him; he kicks, screams, slaps, scratches, whatever it takes!! I am ashamed to say I surrender most of the time and clean him up really well instead of real bath or shower; anyone knows how to install straps in a bathtub???

He’s extremely restless!! I get the following comments from his nursery instructor in his daily report notebook… “he’s the most active kid in the class”, “he moves a lot, it’s such a challenge teaching him to sit still in his chair”, “how do you handle him at home? How do you make him sit still?” In addition to her face to face comments that go like “is he really just 13 months old; he walks much better than kids his age usually do, let alone the climbing” and “he is so friendly with other kinds and he interacts very well, and he has such a smile”… yessss my cutest mocha ever :)


I can’t wait until I’m home and spending some time with my little monsters.

my dreaded roller coaster

I used to love roller coasters; I almost never missed a ride!

yes, I have a serious fear of heights, but I also love the speed…

with the beginning of each ride, as the roller coaster slowly moved upwards taking its position, I’d hold my breath as I heard my fear talking to me “how on earth did you get on that ride?!”…

I pretend I don’t hear any of that, and then the ride starts…

I don’t scream like other people, I completely lose my voice…

I think I close my eyes at first, but then I hear the daring voice inside yelling at me “what are you closing your eyes for?! You got on the ride because you like the speed, you like how the air hits you face, open up your eyes and enjoy it; it’s the closest to flying you’ll ever get!!”

my fears scream “you FEAR heights… bird view BAAAD… and hey, you can still feel the air on your face, be happy!”

through the ride, I’m not even sure if I’m happy or scared!

before I know it the ride is over! I am overwhelmed with excitement that I am willing to go for another ride… call me an excitement junkie; I’ve always had a boring life!

there were a couple of times when I felt sick after a ride and spent the rest of the day dizzy until I finally threw up… but I always always got on another ride!

except this ride…

my fears are doubled, say tripled… and I can still taste the vomit!

I remember the excitement, I remember I loved it, I miss loving the excitement, because now I just fear it!!

the voices inside are those of a coward, who does not believe it’s worth it to hold your breath that way for something that will be over anyway!

“you see…” they try to explain “the ride will end anyways, we know it won’t last… but you might throw up and have the rest of your day ruined… or even worse, the straps may be loose and you might fall and die, or even worse be crippled for the rest of your life, you don’t want that”

they remind me that I never did enjoy the ride to the fullest like other ride junkies; I always anticipated for what was next… they remind me that now I have too much at stake to even consider taking this chance, even if it’s just a roller coaster ride!

there’s too much action in my life now, I don’t need a roller coaster like before to shake things up…

I liked how roller coasters are unpredictable; one moment you’re up, the next you’re falling and you don’t even know when you'll stop! I liked unpredictability; now, I think I somehow dread it!!

actually, I need peace and quite… perhaps I can settle for a swing!

swings are fun too; you have things under control, you know when you’ll be high and well you’ll be pushing yourself high… it’s simply predictable!

I think I'm growing old!

On my last court session...

I am sick and tired of telling what happened. It sucked on a big scale; however, thank God I am still capable of seeing whatever silver lining I think there is!! I have a few questions though; general wonderings if I may...


When was it ok for a judge to use terms like “7orma” and “7areem”? I mean when did those terms become politically correct?!! I don’t care if he’s from Beni Suef or whatever; there are rules! And if he had a problem with the way people should stand when addressing the court because “el ma7kama leeha e7teramha” then shouldn't he be the first to use terms that are more appropriate??

That might make me sound too arrogant, but is that even ok that someone from a different social class and a different background gets to decide whether I am being a spoilt brat or not!! I mean if a judge comes from where it is ok to call a woman “7orma”, I do not think he would have that much respect for my person to stop and even consider that I do have a right to a divorce, no??

And why is it not ok for me to object?! When someone tells a big fat lie and I say “it did not happen”, how come I get yelled at that way? IT DID NOT FREAKIN HAPPEN YOU MORON, if I don’t say that how else will he know?!

Yeah and how about when a judge knows one of the witnesses belonging to one of the parties?! Shouldn’t he step down and have that case assigned to another judge?? I mean couldn’t him handling this particular case be considered a conflict of interest that way??

And while I’m at it, do judges normally change their mind? I mean, one moment he decides against postponing and goes one with hearing the witnesses, and then questions the witnesses 5 hours later only to change his mind and postpone the session until the other party bring witnesses!!! He could have spared us from the beginning!!!


So that’s more or less it; the judge assigned to my case is an ignorant pro-testosterone jerk who is biased against women due to his upbringing and who does not even seem to believe in women’s right to ask for a divorce; moreover, he probably thinks it’s made to be men’s way out “lama el 7orma men dool modetha tentehy” or whatever! As for the icing on my cake of crap, he happened to know one of my x’s witnesses; beautiful.

Nope, I am not worried! I am mostly pissed and appalled. I know there isn’t much he can do but waste time; but I also know that it is my x’s plan, to make me pay for this divorce by wasting more years from my life! It’s easy to rectify any suspicious legal procedure by another... but days, weeks, months, or even a year or two, will not be replaced.

I am not down or depressed alhamdulilah. I am just angry because I am disappointed at the judge! He should have at least pretended to be fair! I mean it’s their freakin motto; justice. Oh well, justice my...

I’ll go get me some sleep now, and perhaps have a good dream or two... I will daydream of a happier time for now hoping it would extend to my dreams and then extend a bit further to my reality.

Good night

My third attempt of a post!

I can’t write!! I have two failed attempts on my task bar that I am definitely deleting if I happen to post this one!

I am too tense, I am worried, and I am scared. Personally, I think it’s futile to feel this way; I believe all the things my friends keep telling me and I already know them… I know that THIS should only take the time it’s meant to take, and I know that what will happen will happen, and that truth is on my side. I know, I promise!

But how can I stop myself from feeling that way?! I don’t wanna worry or feel tense and scared, I really don’t, yet my hands and feet are cold and I have goose pumps all over my arms and legs, I am so jittery, and I am constantly feeling like I am going to lose my temper and snap!!

I called one of my funny friends hoping a few jokes would distract me. She knows; she kept asking about updates and as I told her, my voice started trembling and I cried. She gave me a long lecture on how I should be calm and how I should keep my act together when in court and all that. I told her it’s what I do but I am tired and I am afraid. That was when she asked “khayfa men eh ya3ne? mafeesh 7aga tehawef, en matala2teesh delwa2ty hatetala2y kaman showaya, enty mesh 3arfa enty 3ayza eh, khayfa leeh?”

She’s right, but it doesn’t seem to help! I feel pathetic that way, and now I can’t even write about it because it’s too intense!!

اللهم اجرني في مصيبتي و اخلف لي خيرا منها

I’m grateful...

I’m grateful for every single thing that happened today!

I’m grateful for how the day started at the stroke of midnight with my best friend D calling to be the first to wish me a happy birthday like back in the old days...

I’m grateful that I came back to my laptop to find tons and tons of birthday wishes sent through by my amazing blogger buddies and all my friends who happened to be online and awake at that time!

I’m grateful for the weird late call starting with “fraiser”!!!!

I’m grateful for being able to wake up at 6 am so that I could get my kids ready to go to the nursery and make it to work on time for a change!

I’m grateful that my colleagues commented that I looked radiant and that my boss let me take a couple of hours off to check on my kids in their new nursery...

I’m grateful that all through my working hours, every blog I stumbled upon, I found the author wishing me a happy birthday!! It really felt like unwrapping a present each time... Thank you all dear blogger buddies; your gesture made my day, literally :)

I’m grateful I ran into M on facebook chat and got to know he’d be visiting Egypt this month and that we could get together some time...

I’m grateful my sister offered to babysit my kids so that I could go out with my two best friends...

I’m grateful I got to meet D and H out and that I could have my first peaceful dinner in quite some time without mocha or beem making a scene...

I’m grateful H decided to stop by just to wish me a happy birthday...

I’m grateful that on my way home, a B’s sister called to tell me B sent me a gift and that she wants to meet so that she can give it to me... Thanks B, I hope you’re reading, you’re just too kind :)

I’m grateful that I found a parking place and did not have to drive around the house till one clears...

I’m grateful both my kids were up when I was home and I got to see how happy they were with the balloons and the toys I got on my way home; it’s priceless to see those two jumping joyfully

I’m grateful that up until now (3 minutes to midnight), I have not received one single text message from him and not a single missed call... I really am grateful.

All those things I just said I’m grateful for made my day extraordinary... I think I just had the first good birthday in quite some time... for that I am most grateful :)