I don’t know the reason; it could be that it’s been a year, or the fact that my clueless colleagues keep suggesting we arrange for family outings with our spouses and kids since it’s summer, or it could simply be my anticipation over the whole court proceedings, but I have been remembering some annoying things said and done by him that cross my mind causing me to get angry until I just smile hysterically and think to myself “what goes around comes around, I just hope he gets it tripled!!”
So I am sorry dear blog readers, I don’t mean to get on your nerves, I just need to let them out so they do not take the much needed space in my head… feel free to skip; however, if you’re too curious, feel free to leave a comment saying what jerk he is… it always makes me smile :)
On my last birthday, this was his gift… I was still at my parents’ recovering from child birth; I was the one who drove all the way to Zamalek to pick him up so that he can come spend the night with us in Maadi! This is how it went…
- Him (all smilingly and lovingly): Thank you habibty for the gift, I’m the one who should get you something… but how did you know my right size after all the weight loss?
Me (thinking WHAT NOW): HUH??!!
Him (in a suspecting tone): enty mesh geety men showaya we tala3teely 7aga ma3 el bawab? Enty konty ma3aky meen, enty olteely on the phone e7na 3and semiramis??
Me: mesh fahma!! I just came right after I called, beem is the one with me in the car since I left home!! I did not drop anything for you and I simply have not seen el bawab!!
Him (in a tone that spells trouble): la maho mesh wa7ed mel bawabeen elly te3rafeehom, wa7ed beyeb2a mawgood from time to time… he said el madam gat we sabetlak da
Me (ana 3arfa eno yoom edwed): eh da?
Him: This t-shirt I’m wearing!
Me (OH, I just noticed you’re wearing what looks like a t-shirt a 17 year old would wear, bright red, bright written text, and wow it’s tight!!): oh, this is new! I thought you had this since you’re high school/working out days!
Him (showing off): no it’s new, enty makhadteesh balek men my new style!
Me (oh my God it’s become a style, great, I’m married to a 30 year old dork): erm, ummm, ok! (change the subject change the subject CHANGE THE FREAKIN SUBJECT) so meen ba2a elly gabetlak el t-shirt we 3arfa ma2asak (yeah right!!)
Him (3amel mo7rag): mafeesh gheer wa7da, bas ana mesh 3aref heya betfakkar ezzay…
Me (interrupting impatiently and starting to get irritated): call her now we 2ollaha teegy takhod el zefta de wetla3 law sama7t elbes 7aga Tanya!!
Him (showing how upset he is because of my attitude): gara eh ya3ne, enty et3asabty leeh, balash ne2leb el yoom nakad…
Of course el nakad followed and then he gave me long speech about how controlling and intolerable I have been since the day he met me; he did a good number that night that I sat down and wrote the most depressing post ever!! That was the beginning of the end.
Around the days he decided to come clean so we can give that train wreck of a marriage another try, thank God it did not work…
- Him (in a fake reminiscing tone): fakra awel film ro7na cinema sawa
Me (yeah, tas if that was the best memory ever): yeah, Gladiator
Him (laughing in that provocative way he doe when he wants me to ask him why he’s laughing): 7aga ghareeba awy!
Me (I will not ask I WILL NOT ASK): yeah fe3lan 7aga ghareeba en awel film shofnah sawa u enjoyed it very much while I didn’t! wait a minute, we barely like the same movies!!
Him (disappointed I did not ask): mesh asdi
Me (bardo won’t ask): ok!
Him (giving up and deciding to share anyways): asl awel film ro7to ma3aha kan 300… she didn’t enjoy it either
Me (I WILL NOT CALL HER NAMES I WILL NOT REACT): ok ana mesh 3ayza atkalem delwa2ty ma3ak (DAMN, THIS IS A REACTION)
Him (pretending it was not done on purpose): enty ze3elty?
Me (mesh harrod): …
Him (impatiently): la enty ba2eety amassa awy!!
Me (I HATE HIM I CAN’T DO THIS I CAN’T)
For no good reason he decided to tell me what he liked about her!! Yes, he’s that crude!
- Him: 3arfa mezetha 3annek eh?
Me (mezetha!!): kheir! I didn’t know she was better in me in anything!
Him: not better, bas she was independent, law el 3arabeya 3etlet tezo2aha, te7eseeha ragel, laken enty dalloo3a we 3ala tool lady keda!
Me (yanhar eswed! Ana daloo3a!! ANA!!): no one ever called me that, if anything people tell me ana be meet ragel!
Him: fakra lama el 3arabeya 3etlet back when we were dating we 3ayatty?
Me: I was 19!!! Kont mezawagha we ayla le ahly eny gowa el maadi we kona fel do2y, it was the first time I lie that way and I was gonna get caught!! Sorry, that was serious!!
Him: tab law 3etlet mennek el 3arabeya delwa2ty hate3mely eh?
Me: harkenha wakalem baba aw akalemak teb3atooly 7ad!
Him (in a victory tone): EXACTLY
Me: excuse me, I no longer drive a manual, and I have two kids!!
Him: la2 enty daloo3a and you’re impatient and you like things done in a certain way, mat2aw7eesh
Me: sa7, I am all that, why do u put up with me? and while you’re at it, do you even know the things I put up with?? Can you hear enta a3ed bet2ool eh??
When I finally decided to insist on divorce and announced it to him…
- Him (in a crying tone): ya3ne khalas, welly benna?
Me (in a cruel tone): enta elly bawazto…
Him (arguing): enty kaman makonteesh sahla, enty 3arfa how tough you can be…
Me (interrupting): aw ana elly bawazto, it doesn’t matter, it’s over, I will not try anymore…
Me: hayefdalo weladna… bas da a7san
Him: a7san ezzay?
Me: ok, ha2olhalak besara7a… enta khalas no longer el bany 2adam elly 2a2dar a7ebo, wala atheq feeh wala a7termo… ba3d kol elly 3amalto feya, ba3d kol el kedb, ba3d el kheyana, ba3d el kalam elly olto 3alaya… a7san ab3ed 3ashan a3raf akhaly weladak ye7termook like I no longer can… (yes, I meant to repeat how I no longer respected him)
Later, he told everyone that I was “set mesh mo7tarama: for actually daring to tell my man that I don’t respect him!! No, he never admitted to the cheating that he told me about in unnecessary details and he never admitted there was even a platonic relationship; everyone he talked to thinks I am a delusional spoilt brat who did not appreciate the great husband he is!! I stopped explaining; yes, I said I did not respect him and the fact that he told people proves that I was right!!
Months ago, when we met in court for the first time…
- Him (trying to sound all kind): mesh 3ayza feloos?
Me (be montaha el araf): you really think I need money?!!!!
Him: I know you would never ask your dad for anything, I know you never ask anyone for anything
Me: all the more reasons I would never ask YOU… anyways, I don’t need money alhamdulilah… remember how you always told me rez2y wase3, well, it’s true! Alhamdulilah
Later when we failed to talk in any civil manner, then he started talking about my dad with disrespect, so I stormed out of the room and asked the social worker to take t from there…
- Him: dana 7ata oltelha takhod feloos!!
Me (totally losing my temper): enta enta enta…. (I couldn’t find an Arabic word for cheap and I didn’t wanna sound like a spoilt brat to the non English speaking social workers!!)
Last time we met at court in front of the judge and under oath…
- Him: dana 7atta metala3ha 3umra!
Me (about to scream in disblief): ma7asalsh!!!!!!!
The judge (screaming at me): masma3sh 7ess, ma7adesh yetkallem men gheer ezn
Later, outside the Judge’s room as his lawyer was trying to make us reconcile (reconcile my a**)
- Me (allowing myself to lose my temper, finally): enta tala3teny 3omra!! Enta!! Tab kont talla3 nafsak, 7atta takhod thawab beggad, la wala 3ala eh, enta mash bete3raf te2ool kelma wa7da sed2!!
Him (be kol berood): ana mesh katabtelek mowaf2a mowathaqa menny ennek enty wel welad tesafro!!
Me (ta2reeban kont batnattat): oh my God, you really believe the crap that comes out of you!! you really sound convincing enough to yourself!! Ba3d eznak ya ostaz folan (the lawyer), ana harawa7 lewlady!!
Him: welady elly 7armany menhom?!
Me: No no no no no, you don’t get to sound like a victim on that one… your son’s birthday party was weeks ago and you didn’t even bother showing up!! Weladak mesh me7tageen wa7ed zayak, we da men fadl rabena 3aleehom
Him: rabena kebeer we shayef we 3aref, khaly el mo7amy beta3ek yedaya3lek mosta2balhom, dafa3teelo kam 3ashan ye7remhom men aboohom
My lawyer simply grabbed my arm and took me out of the building before I lose my mind!!
There’s a lot more but this is already four pages worth on word!!!! I feel better now knowing that the few people who will endure reading it till the end will probably leave me a comment that will make me smile!!