June 8, 2008
my dreaded roller coaster
I used to love roller coasters; I almost never missed a ride!
yes, I have a serious fear of heights, but I also love the speed…
with the beginning of each ride, as the roller coaster slowly moved upwards taking its position, I’d hold my breath as I heard my fear talking to me “how on earth did you get on that ride?!”…
I pretend I don’t hear any of that, and then the ride starts…
I don’t scream like other people, I completely lose my voice…
I think I close my eyes at first, but then I hear the daring voice inside yelling at me “what are you closing your eyes for?! You got on the ride because you like the speed, you like how the air hits you face, open up your eyes and enjoy it; it’s the closest to flying you’ll ever get!!”
my fears scream “you FEAR heights… bird view BAAAD… and hey, you can still feel the air on your face, be happy!”
through the ride, I’m not even sure if I’m happy or scared!
before I know it the ride is over! I am overwhelmed with excitement that I am willing to go for another ride… call me an excitement junkie; I’ve always had a boring life!
there were a couple of times when I felt sick after a ride and spent the rest of the day dizzy until I finally threw up… but I always always got on another ride!
except this ride…
my fears are doubled, say tripled… and I can still taste the vomit!
I remember the excitement, I remember I loved it, I miss loving the excitement, because now I just fear it!!
the voices inside are those of a coward, who does not believe it’s worth it to hold your breath that way for something that will be over anyway!
“you see…” they try to explain “the ride will end anyways, we know it won’t last… but you might throw up and have the rest of your day ruined… or even worse, the straps may be loose and you might fall and die, or even worse be crippled for the rest of your life, you don’t want that”
they remind me that I never did enjoy the ride to the fullest like other ride junkies; I always anticipated for what was next… they remind me that now I have too much at stake to even consider taking this chance, even if it’s just a roller coaster ride!
there’s too much action in my life now, I don’t need a roller coaster like before to shake things up…
I liked how roller coasters are unpredictable; one moment you’re up, the next you’re falling and you don’t even know when you'll stop! I liked unpredictability; now, I think I somehow dread it!!
actually, I need peace and quite… perhaps I can settle for a swing!
swings are fun too; you have things under control, you know when you’ll be high and well you’ll be pushing yourself high… it’s simply predictable!
I think I'm growing old!