Undivorced!!*

*(Although Microsoft Word Processor objected to this word, apparently it exists as per the Egyptian way of applying religion and law)

Due to a bureaucratic stupidity, I had to wait an extra day to get the ruling on my divorce case since the verdict was sent to Zananeery Court instead of Abdeen Court along with other verdicts! *ahem*typical*ahem*

In short and simple words, away from the unnecessary legal jargon, his ta3a request was rejected and so was my divorce request.

I won’t talk about my anxiety over the anticipation and how it would have been much worse if it hadn’t been for yesterday’s outing (thanks girl ;)). I won’t whine about the verdict because I promised myself I wouldn’t; I know other people out there have it much worse and that I should be grateful, and I am, despite the disappointment and frustration for which I was prepared.

This is my general wondering though, even as I know that I am probably not the first or the only who had given that matter a thought!

What is the purpose of the verdict? I mean saying it out loud (or typing it for that matter) “el ta3a wel tala2, el etneen etrafado!” does not make any sense! If the honorable judge does not think I have legitimate grounds for requesting a divorce since to him no harm has been inflicted on me, then why did he refuse the ta3a my x requested???? And if he believed that the ta3a request could not be approved and that it was malicious because my x sated that beet el ta3a is in a rural area, which is not where we used to live, then why on earth did he not approve of the divorce?? What is the purpose of the verdict?

I find it hard to grasp for the judge basically rejected the continuity of the marriage even though he rejected its ending! I find that absurd because it leaves me (and any other woman in my shoes for that matter) in an unidentified status. It suspends the marriage, which is not approved or acknowledged by religion (not shar3y!)

I don’t get how the judge, the very same judge who ordered my x to pay alimony through court believes that this is a solid marriage that lacks reasons for termination! Who is he trying to fool?? And more importantly where does that lead??

I know khol3 is an option, and I am seriously weighing it despite how unfair it would be for me because I think my case qualifies for a divorce since harm has been inflicted on me, men el na7ya el adabeya like my dad refers to it. But what about before khol3? How do people in my place react and what was expected of them?

I know of marriages that took up to ten years to end just because the husband did not want to give his wife the freedom in fear she would remarry! Is that fair? Is that right? Is that 7alal? And that was a man whom I can fairly call a dedicated father who did not remarry either during his suspended marriage or after, not such an ignorant prick like my x who wouldn’t mind remarrying right now just to spite me!

I wish I could address the judge or whoever in charge of such ridiculous insensible laws that have no regard whatsoever for humanity! I wish I could talk to the judge and explain to him my point of view although I have serious doubts he would listen, let alone understand!

I think I should state out of fairness that I have no personal agenda against the judge, or his integrity for that matter. I don’t believe he had been bought, I do however belief that he had allowed his own prejudices to affect how he thinks in terms of my case as well as any other. I know he must have seen a million other cases that would make him cynical and bitter, cases that would make me sound like a spoilt brat who does not appreciate the bliss she has. I have seen and heard of some that made me feel the same way about myself. But he is a judge, he represents a lot more than his personal opinions, or at least he should, I think it’s his job requirement, and I think he had failed at that.

He comes from a rural masculine background himself that denies women the right of free will; moreover, pins it on religion! He thinks women have no rights further than having their basic needs fulfilled, and from a very limited perspective; not even like a pet, more like a domestic animal. He thinks one should keep a wife for physical purposes away from sin, reproducing, cooking and cleaning; the same way one would keep a cow for milk and meat, but before that for offsprings that would continue providing the same afterwards.

I am sorry if my analogy is rather cruel or inaccurate, but it’s how humiliated it felt after having to deal with him. I don’t mean to trash him or even imply that he’s a bad person; he’s simply a simple man who was raised with the conviction that the traditions he inherited are as holy as the religion he strongly believes in without true understanding. That doesn’t make him a bad person in my book, but it does make him an ignorant one. And for that, I blame the system that put such an ignorant person in this place just because he has integrity; for what good is integrity if the beliefs of its owner are that tainted!!

I wish I could speak my mind to someone in charge, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference because as frustrated as I am right now, I am aware that other people have to deal with what’s worse in more severe ways.

The thought of knowing that I ache -although I have a roof over my head and I can earn good living that fulfills most of my needs as well as my kids’- troubles me because it comes with the realization that there are other people out there who are going through the same, if not worse, yet do not have a home or even a half decent lifestyle. The word “lifestyle” itself may be something other people just can’t afford!

It makes me too embarrassed to wallow and whine; it makes me force myself to be ok because I know I would seem lucky and blessed compared to other people!

Therefore, instead of whining, I ask whoever stops by and reads this to advise if there is anything I could do or anyone I could approach; I want to channel my discontent through something proactive because I promised myself I won’t surrender to self pity.

So dear reader, your advice will be appreciated.

Risalatoho Al Akheera

A friend of mine sent me this amazing song by Amal Murkus.

This is the only way I could describe its effect on me: ka2en 7ad beyakhdo roo7y menny; not in a bad way although I am not sure there is a good that could happen!! I just couldn’t find a better expression… I just need to remind myself to breathe when I am listening to it!!

If this is not material to share, what would be?!

Enjoy!

Change!

I was talking to a friend of mine about a movie, doing its critique together, when I found myself asking about change.

Do we change? Is there that one critical point in our lives that changes us to a completely different person? Our conversation went on and on until he asked me if I had changed; after all, I have been through my share of "life-changing" events! That was when I first heard my mind say those words before I typed them…

Yes, I have changed, not a huge significant change though for in a way I am also still the same in so many ways; more like I got to know who I am a little bit better than I once did. I know the things I would do and the things I wouldn’t. I know the things I accept and the things I don’t.

Today, I caught myself wondering if that was my changing point, or was it just a brief re-identification point, and my changing point is about to come and rock my world even harder?! This wondering makes me worry.I am not ready for a changing point, I want to hang in there and enjoy some peace, but knowing me, I know that this is as peaceful as it gets.

I know deep down that the waiting that I resent very much is the only peace I am ever gonna get as far as all this is concerned! At least I get to hide behind the pending events and blame it for everything I don’t like about my life right now. But after that, what will I do? How will I be all the things I want to be? My friend says “live one day at a time”. In fact, everyone who knows me tells me the same advice, what they don’t understand is that I do live each day at a time, only I know that I shouldn’t when it comes to certain things, and knowing that scares me.

Today, just as I am writing these words, I have come to the realization that I am scared and unprepared for whatever comes next. I have over-indulged in the events I’ve been going through, and over-dramatized them to the extent that I could not see or prepare for what's beyond them, to the day they will be over. This leaves me to the fact that I really don’t know what’s next, and I hate not knowing.

I think this is what I need to remind myself if the divorce does not go through next Wednesday. If it doesn’t go through, no need to get too upset or depressed, I am not ready for whatever's next anyway, no?

Dear Doctors, I am sorry!!

Obviously, everyone I know, including myself is infuriated about the new traffic laws that seem to be more about getting money out of people rather than organizing traffic. Yes, I said it! It’s not about traffic or about making life better for the people, who are we kidding?!

If it had been for the people, isn’t there enough tax money collected (from those who are employed and cannot really find ways to hide money from tax authorities) that’s enough to make better roads and build better bridges instead of having to wait ages on some bridge because they shut a lane for maintenance!! And don’t get me started on the scumbags of traffic officers who would halt The 6th of October Bridge on a rush-hour for a lagna setting, and not to mention permanent lagna settings at places like Mounib Bridge right before Maadi exit!!

What I do not get however is why the government, the system or whoever it is in charge is so focused on getting that money out of the people that way!! I mean don’t you think traffic control authorities collect enough money through license registrations and the amount of money you throw here and there for a new car, not to mention the trouble you would go through if you have an older car, or God forbid a really older car!! And at the end of the day, we all know that once you know the right number to call, you’ll get all your tickets and violations waived!! So is it just to harass people who are wasta-less? As if raising the prices of gas was not enough!!

So to all the decision makers out there, let me point out a new source of money that I simply can’t believe you overlooked!! DOCTORS!!

It has been brought to my attention, through medical insurance proceedings that doctors, surgeons that is, do not pay taxes in any way remotely appropriate to how much they earn (sorry guys)!! It made me remember that all through my medical history (two c-sections, one ERCP, one cholecystectomy) I did not attain one single receipt from either the surgeons or the anesthesiologists! The hospital fees were paid with a receipt in return (including an additional tax other than the service and sales taxes, I guess there is a getting-sick tax); nonetheless, none of the four times had any of the doctors who took the money by hand gave in a receipt.

Back then it didn’t even come to mind since I did not have any medical insurance; however, today as I was working on my boss’s hospital receipts to be sent and redeemed from the medical insurance company he told me that he did not have a receipt from the surgeon, who by the way took 12 K! I was startled because my boss did not even have to pay the hospital; he’s a BUPA client, and the hospital his wife had the surgery in is a network member; hence, all his bills should be automatically taken care of the moment he had shown her membership ID!! Talk about Egyptian incompetence and lack of professionalism when handling international clients (by client I mean the company, not my boss and his spouse). It only took me one short phone call to London on the day of the surgery to know all the proper procedures in which the hospital refused to abide by out of being… umm, no proper word now!

So dear stupid incompetent decision makers of this country, I found a goldmine for you to ekhrebooha we to3odo 3ala tallaha!! Of course, there is always the option of using the money to make a better medical system, but who am I kidding!

And dear Mr. Tarek Nour, I found a new segment for your tax payment advertising campaign this Ramadan; you could even use the whole “afawtarak walla azzabatak” slogan plus the 3emma theme with some not so creative amendments, heck, you can even use the same dude!

Damn, I should give up on my career in administration and do some marketing/advertising; I’m good!!

P.S. Normally, I would claim all relevant copy rights to the whole idea of going after doctors, but I’m afraid I won’t find proper treatment when I get sick if I do!! However, I do not recommend that anyone would take false credit for this idea, no benefit, trust me!!

I’ll call it “Death of a Relationship”

Today, as I was getting in touch with my artistic self, browsing random websites for poems, I stumbled upon the poem below.

The structure is rather challenging to read as a poem, especially for those who prefer rhyming ones. However, if you start reading it like a story, and sense the way emotions are built up, perhaps you’d like it the way I did!

I know there are considerable chances I liked it because I could relate, and for that very reason, and for records keeping sake, it did speak for me in more than one part. As a matter of fact, I could fairly say I would have written it myself had I possessed the ability to write poems!

Sorry for the babble! There, enjoy!!

Death of a Friendship
By Harry Guest

I mourn, now that your house contains
such fractured shadows.
This wine you’ve handed me
tastes sour. I joke and you do not laugh.
When you speak, assuming my approval,
I stare into discoloured
depths of my glass, longing
to get away.

Rain drives against your walls. The few
shrubs you have planted shrink in the cold.
Where there was amity, questions
echo between us. Tufts of dark
lilac branching from tall vases shed
minute dry flowers like grief
for a lost fragrance, leave
on the smooth piano scattered omens
neither of us can read.

The past is empty of romance,
its summers flecked with heartbreak
and its negatives destroyed-.But weren’t there moments when
the blue sea glittered, when the lithe
curve of a diver forged another
link between wave and cloud?
I wonder, though, in fear
were those young grinning faces always
plague-marred, was the fun a lie,
were dreams we’ve jettisoned
mere husks about this dirt,
dislike? One fiction may
have replaced another for
wherever I look with you I find,
instead of light, a slyness.

We could not name the truth. What used to brag
lies in your cupboard under lock and key.
You care no more
for angels or the underdog,
translating all the terms we used
into intolerance. Your world
now clusters round
the emulation of the rich.

I can’t feel glad about old times
because I am afraid
that what I see here I suspected then
but shunned the knowing.
The tarnish of this has rubbed off on me.
The years we shared look counterfeit. If so,
more than affection died today.
What hurts perhaps the most
is that in you as in a mirror shows
not only what I could have been
but what I was or am.

Men, Women, and the Right to Evolve!

Weeks ago, I met with an old professor of mine and had some seriously good time. During which, we talked about everything that crossed our minds, which included the heated post I wrote about my colleague considering second marriage.

Such topics usually interest M because of his field of studies and profession; he taught me Negotiation & Dispute Resolution, Homogenous Interaction in the Workplace, and Motivation, in theory & practice, all from a business perspective. He currently teaches Inter-social/cultural Behavior or something close enough.

We talked a lot further about the matter and expanded it to other topics and I was amazed to find someone from a different culture and completely different ethnic backgrounds sharing my opinions. I contributed it to the fact that he taught me some courses of sociological genre that I definitely enjoyed, but he commented saying that not all my colleagues would have shared those opinions!

Of the things he said that I agreed with, was his opinion on genders. He said that men and women are equal as humans; that although their different sexual nature affects their gender roles, it should not make a difference on their rights as humans. Nonetheless, their gender roles are different and that each has their own package of privileges and drawbacks, all the reasons why gender roles change with time as the social perceptions of each change and evolve.

When I mentioned that somewhere in the comments, it was stated that men have more sexual desires than women and that it justified polygamy, and that men and women are somehow structured differently with regard to their emotional/physical needs, he frowned and said:

“with all respect, these may sound like excuses for men to behave in a certain way, when societies explicitly state such facts; truth is, it’s not just an extra burden for women to carry, it’s also a reason for men to slack around and not learn to control whatever desires they might have, which will hinder their evolution, which I think is a bad thing, because men, just like women are capable of evolving and I think it’s great injustice for both genders to be denied such a right by claiming they have such privileges!”*

So, would do you have to say about that people!!

* that quote is not 100% accurate; I might have dropped or added a few words due to some memory impairment from my end; however, I would like to think that I did convey the meaning intended by good ol’M

To my friends and those who know me…

I know I am not always a day in the park, unless the park is allowed to be messy and crappy and has some wasps flying here and there.

I’ve been told I can bring sunshine when I’m happy, that my smile can brighten someone’s day! But I am also aware how my temper can start storms of rage, and how my tears can be too depressing to handle; I make up for it by trying to stay quite when angry and smiling while crying; did you notice?

The sarcasm, it’s part of me that I love and cherish; I wouldn’t change it, so please bear with me. Better yet join me, it is fun, trust me, but just don’t make fun of others unless you can take it yourself!!

Depending on how well you know me, you might see me as a cynic. However, take a closer look, a deeper look perhaps; you’d see that I am believer in people and their potential of being good! I just remind myself that it’s only a potential because if I don’t I’d get disappointed more often.

Don’t let my weakness make you feel sorry for me or pity me; my weakness hides when I see pity in people’s eyes and fades when I remember the good things I have, the things that give me strength. But also, don’t let my strength fool you and make you think I couldn’t possibly be hurting, because I do, and surprisingly at the slightest things sometimes!

I am good with words, you must have noticed; I know which word to say in which phrase. Just don’t expect me to communicate verbally when I am troubled or when I am in need for something I simply couldn’t ask for! I lose words and I get confused in their meanings when I need to say them the most! Like the idiot I am, I expect, and perhaps wish people could read my mind and take that burden off of me; and like the idiot I am, I get disappointed when they don’t!

I know you might already know all that, and I know that you accept and appreciate me the way I am, because you’re still around showing your care and your support and enduring my numerous moments of stupidity! And for that I’m thankful. I try to do the same and I really hope I’m doing a good job!

raw and unedited

i don't wanna talk to my dad or my uncle because they will give me all that crap about 7otty a3sabek fe talaga we matanfa3leesh... and i know they are right but i can't help it!!

mawgoo3a... we makhnoo2a we 3ayza a3ayat... 7ata wana 3arfa en 3eyaty da men foo2 el wesh we mesh men ay 7aga aktar men 3asabeya we katma... we 3arfa en beggad all will be ok if i hang in there but i just need to collapse for a while there and feel the fall!

his aunt is right here visiting...

it started out with subtle talk and me hinting hidden insults towards him... shoghl 3ala nar hadya like they say... i don't know when it escalated but it did... she's polite and she didn't offend me... not intentionally at least... bas kalamha ghalat... kalamha kolo lame ass justifications for someone who doesn't know the meaning or the the the weight of what he did, the life he just ruined... howa ya3ne 3ashan i am intact we mesh maksoora yeb2a khalas elly 3amalo da wala 7aga!! howa ana lazem yedakhaloony masa7a at3aleg wala a cut my wrist we a3mel shoghl hysteria 3alashan ye3rafo en feeh damage!!! yes i am freakin recovering but there has been pain and it has not yet been healed and under no circumstances will i ever be willing to pretend it never happened or accept it to be ridiculed!!!! it was pain and it was real and i was 19 and now i am 27!!!! i was a girl and now i am mother, i changed and the change came with too much pain for me to grasp even when i say i do..... what the hell is wrong with people? what the hell is wrong with people to make something so real sound so cliche!!! i wanna scream AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA at the top of my lungs if it would make them feel a fraction of my pain, but i am too freakin proud!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"yeb2a enty ya habibty elly ma3refteesh te7afzy 3ala beetek" she says... so simply... like it’s the answer to all my questions or the justifications to all my agony!! it's me!!! i know where her words are coming from, i know it's both her sympathy towards her own blood and the fruit of a rotten society that allows and justifies more irresponsibility from a man than a woman... she says motherhood is an instinct, and fatherhood is practice.... NO, IT'S NOT!!! it's not.... I can’t agree to that?? when did guys I know practice fatherhood when they first held their babies in their arms!!! when did my father practice any of it when he spent most of my childhood in oil fields, and when he wasn't, he came too late long after i had slept!!! "el regala elly 3andokom homa ellly mesh abahat" i replied with hate "i know ppl my father's age, my uncles' age and my age who are capable of being good fathers by instinct" and i left to my room.

ok, the mood has instantly changed when i got out of my body and watched how emotional i was... when i saw my baby sister met3asaba fe makany and my other sister and i in the room listening to the same anger I was conveying until we burst with laughter...

bas khalas!

You know you’re mentally disturbed when…

… you have a not so good a dream that you wake up around the time you were supposed to, only to sleep an EXTRA hour to dream a better dream so that you could go to work in a better mood!!

That’s what I did today!!

It was a dream about my x that involved too much anger and yelling form my end. The dream was more of a repetition of scenes that happened a million times in real life, only they were happening right now!!

He came to apologize, said he was sorry and that he regretted all of it and that he was no longer talking to her. However this time, all he wanted was for us was to be friends and to keep a the door of us not strictly shut like I keep saying. I didn’t even agree to that in my dream (this is what I mean by strictly shut). That was when I found out it was yet another lie and she called me herself to rub it in or something!! Funny thing, I could see that scene like I was watching rather than living it!! I could see myself jumping up and down while yelling at her on the phone and standing in the same place he was, weighing the consequences of hitting him so hard until I lose consciousness in my hand and arm!!

Boy do I have too much unresolved anger; I want it out people!!!

P.S. Thank you very much dear friend for mentioning him to me right before I went off to bed!! Like I needed that!!

Dear Blog Readers,

You are kindly requested to take the time to go read this post and provide a feedback; it would be highly appreciated. Thanks!!

Oh, and I didn't mean to sound that formal, you know me better, no???

;)

On detachment…

I’ve been thinking about the concept for a while and here is what I could come up with regarding myself; I am incapable of detachment!! I push myself too hard until I am completely able to detach, and no matter how detached I might I think I am, I never really stop caring!

I’ve been thinking about it since the night before yesterday’s court session as my uncle told me right in front of my dad that I was making a big deal out of it worrying!! “mate3esheesh el tagroba” he said! “You know very well that all this will end, either through divorce or khol3, mate7ra2eesh a3sabek ba2a” he explained. I went to bed trying to convince myself with his words; yes, I know it will end, but I am 3aysha el tagroba whether I like it or not!

You see, it’s not really up to me to pretend like I am ok with all of it, with how screwed up the system is, with the fact that a lot of other people who are less privileged are going through every day, people who do not have an back exit door like I do, or simply can’t afford one!! I am not an activist, but this “experience” has given me a perspective on many things I would have never even considered before! It got me out of the bubble where I was once protected from all the nastiness in the world, and forced me into seeing things I still have problems adjusting with, so excuse me for “living it” to the fullest!!

My uncle and I sat at the ahwa right outside Court since it was extremely hot in there and of course no a/c except in his honor’s room, while my lawyer joined as he kept checking if it was our turn to get in yet. They did all they could to make me understand that all this is nothing but an attempt to teach my x a lesson yet preserving my rights, which will make him rather butter since let’s face it, he’s a material jerk. I kept nodding in an attempt to really detach myself from all the anxiety and the digestion problems and headaches I’ve been having over this!

Their words stopped making sense the moment I saw him walking by! I’ve seen him a couple of times at court, but I never felt the way I did yesterday! I felt pain! The kind of pain you feel when someone steps on a sore toe, only that toe was my heart, or something! He walked by, he saw me and I saw him, only we pretended it never happened as he walked into the Court House! A while later I walked in with my uncle and my lawyer as he was walking out to check if his witnesses had arrived or not. I didn’t see him though; but my lawyer said I flinched and got closer to the wall the moment he passed right next to me, which made him stop and look at me in angry surprise! I didn’t even notice!!!

He brought two witnesses, friends of his whom we always went out with and invited home, back when we actually had a home! One of them, the one I always liked the most of his friends, walked right to me to say hi, I smiled back and greeted him politely. Nonetheless, I think I alienated him when he started saying words like elly benkom akbar men keda, and eh elly 7assal 3ashan kol da!! his other friend was feeling two awkward to talk to me, he simply gave me an embarrassed smile inside the judge’s room as he was saying I (I!) sent my x text message saying kalam mesh malabod!! Mind you, I learned my lesson, no talking in the presence of the judge unless permitted, and for all I know my x could have showed him something I never sent!!!

He asked for a permission to talk to the judge, and was granted one (ESHME3NA!!). He said more and more distortions of the truth, it’s disturbing how the order of events could totally change the truth and make it sound so different. I started boiling inside as he continued telling more twisted facts, but I could patiently wait until it was over and I asked the Judge to let me clarify a thing or two, or at least comment. He gave me one of his condescending looks as he said I should have gone before my x because I am the moda3eya! La ya sheikh, so I had the freakin’ right to talk, why the hell did you not let me know, wala shakly me2adeyaha ma7akem leel nahar!!!

Anyway, I told him my x LIED, I told him he made things sound different and briefly rearranged the things he had said! He interrupted me implying that my x and I were spoilt brats who didn’t know how to mind our own business and were guilty of lat we 3agn and went on and on about this being Egypt’s problem, yeah right!

I waited impatiently as he finished interrupting me and in a polite attempt told him he was far off, and that up until my marriage fell apart thanks to my x, I never told anyone about my life or my problems. My big proof was how my witnesses only had so little to share about or life before problems, while his friends didn’t! my lawyer said I kicked a** and that at some point before I started talking he was afraid I’d screw things, but was relieved when he saw me able to control my temper and tame the words that got out of my mouth! He said my words had an ok effect on the judge, which is great considering he’s who he is!

I did not feel the glory though! I was frustrated and maktooma as my uncle referred to me! How could I not!! I really don’t know how to detach myself from all that!!! I saw him, a person I once trusted who is now twisting facts to hurt me that way, and insisting to make me sound like something I am definitely not!! It hurts! People with whom I broke bread came to politely imply that I am out of my mind to let a marriage fall apart! Am I really? Did they even know half of the truth to pass judgment on me that way!! A judge who insists that I have no good grounds for a divorce is the one controlling my life right now! Someone whom I can only feel sorry for; for being too jaded and bitter to be sensitive about the words that shoot out of his mouth!

There will be a ruling at the end of this month, and the sad part is that I can’t help worrying even though I already know the verdict!!! I know all there is to come, and yet I am not able to jump ahead and skip the unpleasant things.

Oh oh!! He had stopped calling since my birthday, but for some reason, he attempted to call 11 times!! He texted me saying, “… let’s end this amicably; nothing will happen except what I want to happen…” I read it to my dad and uncle hoping they would contact him or something, but they nodded with disgust and said he was still the jerk that could not be trusted! Tab ana 3abita for wanting to believe him, I know I am!! Something in me wanted to call him and tell him I want to work things out and get a civil divorce, I wanted to believe that he’s capable of that!!

Ana te3ebt ba2a, we zehe2t!! we mesh 3arfa ezzay mesh ha3eesh el tagroba elly aslant ana madfoona feeha!!! I really don’t wanna be upset over it, any of it!! It’s not like I am addicted to nakad or anything!! Actually a friend of mine called to check on me, and was surprised I was laughing! Yes, I am smiling and laughing all the time, but my mind hurts!! It doesn’t seem to understand why any of this is happening!! UUUUFFFFFFFF

To Kov…

Reading his last post, I couldn’t help but remember something I once read somewhere that suggested the following…

Sometimes being brave is actually being the coward; the one who is challenged to be courageous because people expect him to, yet steps back and passes, will be condemned by all as a coward! If one chooses to be viewed as a coward when expected to be courageous; if one ceases to care about others’ expectations, one is considered brave enough!

Kov, I know it may not be of any relevance, but let me tell you that... close your eyes and shush all the sounds in your surrounding, listen to your instincts and to those little voices in you and do what they say! Don’t torture yourself by living up to other people’s expectations, or even yours for that matter; only live up to whatever your instincts are ready and willing to do. There, my 2 cents!!

Wishing you well buddy :)

Two things that remind me of my x!!

Two things I can’t do at all, and every time I am in need of having them done, I think of my x and remember how I never had to learn doing them simply because he did them!

Number one, tipping! I don’t know how to tip people, I swear it’s hard! I personally find stuffing people’s sweaty hands with money a tad embarrassing for me and humiliating for them!! Call me a snob, but even when I used to take 3eedeya, I never liked the idea of aunts and uncles stuffing money in my hand that way; so I can’t really imagine myself doing something to anyone that I hated being done to me!!

Now, I really wanna tip the nannies at my kids’ nursery for the efforts they’ve been doing with both my kids, but I can’t seem to find a way!! It’s pathetic, I have the money in my pocket, I know exactly who I want to give it to, but I don’t have the guts to give them the freakin’ money, I don’t know how to do it or whether I should be making eye contact and smiling or not!! I even thought of putting them in white envelopes with the names of the nannies, but I don’t know, it seemed too showy from my end, which is not how I want to be at all!! ARRRGGGHHHH I feel like crap not being able to show my gratitude and appreciation!

Thinking about that all the way from the nursery to work today, made me remember my x and how I could always whisper in his ears that I wanted to give a tip but I was too shy and he would take care of it!! Yes, I tried watching him to see how he did it but I guess I just never had it in me to it myself, it’s embarrassing!!


Number two, killing insects! I have mentioned my phobia before and I have mentioned that no matter how I attempt to fight insects, I will never really be able to stop fearing them. Two days ago, beem came running calling for me to see what mocha is doing, I went there to find him trying to grab a sticky half eaten skittles that was abandoned on the floor by him earlier that ants all over it! My first instinct was grabbing mocha while screaming hysterically and making sure no ants were on him; I washed both his hands and feet while feeling a million ants all over my body I started crying!!

Yeah, I see or think of any of those creepy living things that can surprise you like ants, roaches, geckos, spiders and even rats, and I feel utterly disgusted and now they remind me of him; all the more reasons to feel grossed!! Eww!! It’s scary because I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling the same way about insects just because they get to see me freak out every time I see any! I mean if there was anything I wish they take after their father, it would be his ability to kill all sorts of those things!!