Last night I went to bed at around 11!! I slept until noon!!! But it wasn’t real sleep; it was interrupted by my sons waking up every few hours and me having dreams about real life events… not cool.
An old friend stumbled upon my facebook account and sent me a two line message that made a few tears fall on my cheeks!
I answered the message in three short paragraphs that sounded like old cheerful me…
My mood was just ruined… I turned to my irritated self, very impatient with everyone; my ma, my sisters, and my sons… I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t deal with anyone.
I want to be alone; when I feel lonely; all I want is to be alone, not surrounded by people who expect me to act in a certain way. If their presence won’t make me less lonely, then I’d rather be alone.
In a failed attempt to shake off the mood, I dressed my kids, got dressed my self, and went out…
I don’t know what I was thinking, taking my kids out when I am in that mood. I was distracted; too many thoughts, too many voices yelling in my head forcing me to literally shake my head hoping they would go away.
I went to bed shortly after I returned home; I though sinking underneath the sheets would just help. Instead, I felt cold inside out! My heart was shivering, and so was my body.
I turned on my mp3 player hoping music would help! It didn’t. It’s like the stupid ipod knew which songs to play despite the shuffling!! I kept choking up, I couldn’t breathe normally, I couldn’t even cry!
A few songs later, I stared crying… just a few tears like earlier this morning… choked… and it was like I was forcing the tears out hoping I’d feel better, but wasn’t really!! Crying no longer helps; it makes me feel weak and makes breathing much harder than it already is.
Insomniac as ever, lying in my bed, shivering and feeling scared… no longer crying, my eyes have run dry I guess. I lay on my side, trying so hard to put my finger on the reason I am feeling that way, but I think it’s just……. I don’t know!
What’s wrong with me??!! I am freaking out over a few lines and a couple of songs!! I can’t stand being around people… I don’t feel like I can open up to anyone anymore… I can’t even write about it… what’s wrong with me?