January 19, 2008

Random, yet revolving around the same thought!

Last night I went to bed at around 11!! I slept until noon!!! But it wasn’t real sleep; it was interrupted by my sons waking up every few hours and me having dreams about real life events… not cool.

An old friend stumbled upon my facebook account and sent me a two line message that made a few tears fall on my cheeks!

I answered the message in three short paragraphs that sounded like old cheerful me…

My mood was just ruined… I turned to my irritated self, very impatient with everyone; my ma, my sisters, and my sons… I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t deal with anyone.

I want to be alone; when I feel lonely; all I want is to be alone, not surrounded by people who expect me to act in a certain way. If their presence won’t make me less lonely, then I’d rather be alone.

In a failed attempt to shake off the mood, I dressed my kids, got dressed my self, and went out…

I don’t know what I was thinking, taking my kids out when I am in that mood. I was distracted; too many thoughts, too many voices yelling in my head forcing me to literally shake my head hoping they would go away.

I went to bed shortly after I returned home; I though sinking underneath the sheets would just help. Instead, I felt cold inside out! My heart was shivering, and so was my body.

I turned on my mp3 player hoping music would help! It didn’t. It’s like the stupid ipod knew which songs to play despite the shuffling!! I kept choking up, I couldn’t breathe normally, I couldn’t even cry!

A few songs later, I stared crying… just a few tears like earlier this morning… choked… and it was like I was forcing the tears out hoping I’d feel better, but wasn’t really!! Crying no longer helps; it makes me feel weak and makes breathing much harder than it already is.

Insomniac as ever, lying in my bed, shivering and feeling scared… no longer crying, my eyes have run dry I guess. I lay on my side, trying so hard to put my finger on the reason I am feeling that way, but I think it’s just……. I don’t know!

What’s wrong with me??!! I am freaking out over a few lines and a couple of songs!! I can’t stand being around people… I don’t feel like I can open up to anyone anymore… I can’t even write about it… what’s wrong with me?


Will E. said...

Just hang in there.. nothing's wrong you

samurai girl said...

i totally understand

Sue said...

"I can’t stand being around people… I don’t feel like I can open up to anyone anymore… I can’t even write about it"

I've been there a zillion times, then I remeber this quote by Khalil Gibran:

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain"

Then I start assuring myslef that once the carving is finished, my heart will be able to contain tons of joy :).

ola said...

Hey cousin, I know people who faced half the things u had lately & they r feeling even worse than u do!! u r doing a great job here wallahi so take your weak moments, it's your right & then get back 2 the very fine role u do with your kids.
Hang on my dear, again & again i'm always here if u need a good listener and i promise that i won't atleast make u feel worse:)

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

I know how painful it is, especially when while you are around people you know deep inside that you cannot tell them what it is tearing you apart inside, that is how you feel right?

Anyways, I think what you should do is just try and let it go, maybe you just gotta force yourself to be with people, you will either feel fine or feel like killing them, just don't go for it if you do :)

Cheer Up... Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth all the pain and thinking...


Anonymous said...

I'm always here. All ears.

insomniac said...

will, thank you :) am hangin' :)

samurai girl, it sucks, right? hope u don't get to feel that way too often... thanks :)

sue, i always tell myself "this too, shall pass" sometimes you can't help but feel stuck tho! tons of joy? i am not sure, thanks anyways :))

ola, i sooo appreciate your support, u have no idea... i don't call u to whine because i don't call anyone! fine role?? really?? don't mess with me :)

GBK, sorry ur first comment was on such a dark post... u should have warned me :)

it's a little bit of what u described plus the-stop-silently-judging-me-or-fakely-sympathizing-with-me feeling... good thing i have short attention span

sadly killing people is not much of an option :) however, i agree, nothing is worth feeling bad, yet for some reason most of us do!

anonymous, is that Nicely Crazy Anon like Nora calls you, or a new visitor.... i can't spill it in ur ears if i have no idea who u are :)

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Ok here is the thing... I think there is always someway to avoid feeling this bad... I mean I rarely feel bad today compared to how many things used to make me feel completely awful like only three years back....

I think you already cheered up though given your anti Godfather comments :P And I am glad you did, cause again things turn out to be fine in the end... Believe you me, they do... You just have to wait enough for the silver lining to come through...

insomniac said...

three years ago, trivial things used to get to me... three years from now i may consider THIS trivial... it's all relative really :)

i cheer up easily, whether things r fine or not!! which made a lot of ppl stop worrying about me :)

silver lining is a relative matter btw :)

and what r u saying dude, anti-GF comments eh bas, i said nothing against the trilogy... i just said i wasn't a big fan and that being one seemed to be a guy thing!!! how is that a negative thing from a guy's perspective!!!

Nora said...

I hope that this never seems trivial to you. Do not down play the amount of shit that you are dealing with. It is hard.. and you are kicking its ass! Just know that anything you feel is not too much. Anything you feel is exactly what it should be. I hope life keeps getting better and that this is the worst that you will ever experience.

insomniac said...

Nora, Thank u very much for ur kind words and for your support... i am speechless (which doesn't happen often since i always have something to say)

Nora said...

Fair to say..

I win!!!



insomniac said...

you always win babe

(u owe me a suitcase, remember) :o)

Nora said...

Yeah I remember.. I am packing my own now. Send me the list!