Nothing is majorly pissing me off these days! As a matter of fact, I will be off to Luxor tomorrow night isA with my family and some family friends whom I haven’t seen in ages. Moreover, I have spent four hours packing yesterday, so I better as hell have fun.
No one knows! None of those friends have the slightest clue of the drama my family is going through on my account… According to my dad’s story, the husband is on training in Dubai, and I am spending the time he’s away with them to get as much help as I can with my two kids and all.
I don’t know how to answer questions like “where does he work now?”, “how long is he staying in Dubai?”, “how is his family like, now you’ve moved in with them?”, etc. for I honestly do not know where he works now, he’s not in Dubai to be having an expected return date, and I am not capable of saying anything about how my life with him or his family was like; God knows I need professional help to forget. Let alone the whole speaking of him lovingly that I once did; now I can no longer imagine doing!
Can’t I just say “it’s over, only the divorce is taking more time than it should” and not have to answer any further questions?? Can I just come out without having to deal with any sympathetic reaction or remarks??
I think the whole “you don’t understand the implications of a divorce” my dad always told me is starting to sink in! It doesn’t feel good, and it’s not because I worry either about assumptions or judgments; it’s sympathy I find harder to accept. It’s the “matestahleesh kul da” or “danty bent nas” that I’ve been getting from everyone in our family and friends circle… those phrases hurt in so many ways, they hurt more than the “enty Kaman akeed konty ghaltana”!!! I think I am weird that way; too proud perhaps! I also think they make me feel bad for my parents and sisters more than I can afford right now.
This one single thought is making it hard for me to feel easy about anything… I wanna come out damn it! I wanna be able to talk about it without having people assuming I am vulnerable; hence, making me feel like it!
I am always lying about my status to strangers, when filling applications and when having small talk with people I work with… I want to be able to say that I am a single mother without getting the usual reaction… I know my whining is cliché for it is a social problem women in my status have been dealing with since forever, but I demand change!