January 27, 2008

All bright and sunny, except…

Nothing is majorly pissing me off these days! As a matter of fact, I will be off to Luxor tomorrow night isA with my family and some family friends whom I haven’t seen in ages. Moreover, I have spent four hours packing yesterday, so I better as hell have fun.

Except…

No one knows! None of those friends have the slightest clue of the drama my family is going through on my account… According to my dad’s story, the husband is on training in Dubai, and I am spending the time he’s away with them to get as much help as I can with my two kids and all.

I don’t know how to answer questions like “where does he work now?”, “how long is he staying in Dubai?”, “how is his family like, now you’ve moved in with them?”, etc. for I honestly do not know where he works now, he’s not in Dubai to be having an expected return date, and I am not capable of saying anything about how my life with him or his family was like; God knows I need professional help to forget. Let alone the whole speaking of him lovingly that I once did; now I can no longer imagine doing!

Can’t I just say “it’s over, only the divorce is taking more time than it should” and not have to answer any further questions?? Can I just come out without having to deal with any sympathetic reaction or remarks??

I think the whole “you don’t understand the implications of a divorce” my dad always told me is starting to sink in! It doesn’t feel good, and it’s not because I worry either about assumptions or judgments; it’s sympathy I find harder to accept. It’s the “matestahleesh kul da” or “danty bent nas” that I’ve been getting from everyone in our family and friends circle… those phrases hurt in so many ways, they hurt more than the “enty Kaman akeed konty ghaltana”!!! I think I am weird that way; too proud perhaps! I also think they make me feel bad for my parents and sisters more than I can afford right now.

This one single thought is making it hard for me to feel easy about anything… I wanna come out damn it! I wanna be able to talk about it without having people assuming I am vulnerable; hence, making me feel like it!

I am always lying about my status to strangers, when filling applications and when having small talk with people I work with… I want to be able to say that I am a single mother without getting the usual reaction… I know my whining is cliché for it is a social problem women in my status have been dealing with since forever, but I demand change!

14 comments:

embee said...

Man you should just sit back & enjoy the sun. You know we don't get that here often these days..

This might sound unpractical, but it's always a thought:
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, you just smile sweetly and ask "why do you want to know?". I never tried it as much as I wanted to, but damn it works!

Have loads of fun hun!

Nora said...

I think that divorce in Egypt is always perceived as being the woman's fault... he inability to manage a house and keep her husband happy. I think it will take forever to change that stigma. Maybe you can just have your dad say that you are very sad these days because your husband is away... in a sense it is true. People will understand that you are sad because you miss him.. not because he is an ass...
And people might just avoid talking about it and try to make sure that you have as much fun as possible...

insomniac said...

you girls!!

i don't feel that gloomy... i did say i was all bright and sunny :)

embee, the "why do u wanna know?" approach works best with people i don't like much, especially when i add my famous attitude... i will teach u :) with people i like however, i smile and say "it's all good, what about u?" and turn the convo around

nora, egypt has a lot of screwed perceptions!! as for my mood, i am naturally incapable of being upset when i am around people... moreover, i am not even that upset...


i think my only problem is having to talk about him with people who don't know... because yesterday i was with a friend, and we kept joking about it and i wasn't bothered the least!! and i promise, we were not even trashing him!!!

Ma 3lina said...

Focus on the trip nd how much fun will u huv wiz ur kids coz it is really amazing there

forget about ppl asln there will not be any time for all those chats that ur afraid of

I agree wiz nora's solution that ur dad talk about the thing without involving u in it

Wish u huv fun there, take care u and ur little kids and take as many pic as u can :)

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Dude,

It is not a necessity that it was your mistake, but well I believe when a relation fails it is always the mistake of both parties.

Note that something as good as good as absolute kindheartedness is one of those mistakes I might be referring too here, so I am not saying the mistake might be something bad people do as much as it might as well be something good only being done with the wrong person and the wrong time, or the right person but then again at the wrong time.

Anyways, forget about people's perceptions in Egypt. I mean I have been there, where I used to care about people's looks and perceptions in general but then years ago I stopped, I decided that I am better off doing what I believe is right unless of course people's perceptions actually make me realize I am wrong.

If you believe that divorce had to happen, if you believe life could have been unbearable beyond that specific point and If you believe things are better this way then you shouldn't give a rat's ass what people think and what their looks are like...

Besides at the end of the day even if you can't avoid thinking about their looks and perceptions think it this way, Divorce is nothing Haram, nothing bad and it is:

إما معاشرة بمعروف أو تسريح بإحسان

And well that means you should be fine with it and you should not hate it this much. I have been introduced to your blog recently so I don't know the back story of your divorce, besides you have already deleted older posts and started over again, but from your comments and posts and what I read on your blog in general I don't think your husband was much of the guy that the following statement applies to and hence you are better off this way.

إذا أحبها أكرمها و إذا كرهها لم يهنها

And if he wasn't that guy then this is so right and you shouldn't care. I wouldn't like to see a divorced woman, but I wouldn't even like to see a woman leading an unhappy torturing married life and staying in the marriage just because of people's freaking perceptions.

I think I just posted too much... Have a great trip and don't block me from commenting... LOL...

Ciao...

insomniac said...

ur right ma 3alina, most likely it will be the occasional question "ezzayo?" then it will be all fun and laughter (YA RAB fun & laughter ya rab)

no need for baba to talk really, he doesn't want anyone to know until it's over, and i am respecting that!

oh, i'm taking soooo many photos isA... moreover, i am tuning into my happy, cheerful, energetic mode, yeeey!!!

insomniac said...

GBK,

after i wrote a long long comment, i realized it was more of post material...

see, i am that raghaya :)

and no, ur not banned, talkative people like me like company :p

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Thanks for the encouragement I will do my best to start writing my posts here rather than on my blog :)

I hope the first part of my comment where I said I believed both parties are usually wrong pissed you off or anything...

insomniac said...

hahaha, yeah e3teber el blog bloggak

NO, i am not pissed at all, i agree with what you said mostly!

i made my mistakes, and i acknowledge all of them :)

it's all over my blog really... the deleted posts were before i came out about my marital problems

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Well your blog is mine Insomniac... *Evil Laugh*

I am glad you are out of it then if that's what makes a better life for you...

insomniac said...

GBK

you CANNOT handle my blog, it's beyond your capabilities... and it's too darn girly!!

... and it's anti-Godfather :p

and i wrote and published a whole post in the past minutes!!!

good luck TRYING to take over my blog

*confident yet sarcastic laugh*

Gun Barrel Kalashnikov said...

Oh you think the statement "it is too girly" would scare me... Man you are so wrong, maybe it is just a takeover for the object of resale, I mean I could be filthy rich once I find the publishers who wanna make this into a book...

Besides dude, sarcasm is my game and confidence is my middle name, so your laugh ain't scaring me and yeah I am about to read your post...

insomniac said...

i was counting more on the "anti-Godfather" really... but the "too girly" has its effect on guys u have to admit :p

i won't worry about u selling my words, they are copyrighted... all publishers have previously rejected them :)

i know sarcasm since before birth, it's in my genes, and it runs in my blood, it's basically my heritage! as for conifedence, it takes a lot to survive the sarcastic family i belong to :)

i guess the game is on!!

Nora said...

Yay!

It is on!!

I vote for Insomniac! :oP