January 28, 2008

Divorce and Society

Egypt is a messed up society on so many levels. Anyone who lived in it long enough will know that; actually, I have friends who only know Egypt through summer visits who know that.

I don’t have the attention span that would make me able to discuss the millions of issues I have on my mind! So I will try to focus… I write short paragraphs when I need to focus; otherwise, I babble.

One of Egypt’s worst flaws (as well as that of Arab countries) is misinterpretation of religions and tailoring quotes to fit our own perceptions of right and wrong!! No one can argue with that fact!

I think it’s rather a human trait. Only in Arabia it shows more because religion is a big deal and for some reason, lately it has become a matter of do-whatever-but-don’t-get-caught rather than inner beliefs, more of the “الحرامي هو اللي بيتمسك مش اللي بيسرق” concept, and of course it’s justified by “إذا بليتم فاستتروا” and “ربنا امر بالستر”.

Sadly, those very two phrases is how my soon to be x-husband explained why he would never admit to cheating to anyone but me. When I though arguing with him was useful, I tried to tell him that there should be a punishment for what he did; anything really to restore my belief that nothing goes unpunished same as nothing goes unrewarded. That was when he said it was inappropriate of me to argue that way and flaunted the other two religious phrases “الرجال قوامون على النساء” and “و جعلنا للرجال على النساء درجة” that men in our society seem to know by heart, which might bring me to the disgraceful gender perceptions in Egypt… Not now insomniac, focus!!

I hated him in so many ways when he came to come clean… he did it without any real remorse, and it bruised my pride even more. He only came to tell me because he was afraid she would! How sick and twisted, let alone humiliating is that?

That was in no way the man I thought he was… as men go, that was in no way how a true man behaves; that’s what I think he would have said if he heard of similar behavior!! But now that he did it himself, he’d say “I had my reasons”… need I say more about the power of rationalization!!

He thought that telling me would grant him forgiveness because when he asked for it I told him “how can I forgive you for what I don’t know”… I think he never really knew how my mind worked, not that it matters anymore.

His plan B was to point fingers at me and say it was me, and I almost believed him!!! You see, he’s that good at selling what he believes, and I was stupid enough to share his beliefs for a while! Luckily I had stopped believing him a while before that, and I was working on a long process of self healing since I could no longer count on him to heal me.

I almost believed his promises to be civil after he knew I was not willing to go back. When my friend H told me he wouldn’t live up to his word, I told her “come on, x wouldn’t sink that low, the good person I once saw in him wouldn’t let him hurt me”, but he did! Strange how I think I never really knew him!

I stopped blaming myself for my mistakes after I acknowledged them, tried to explain I didn’t mean them and even apologized for them. Moreover, I paid the price in full: 7 years. I forgave myself, although I doubt I will really forgive him… not for the cheating, but for all the lies he knew I would believe because I had blind faith in him, and because now I have trust issues because of him.

So after all that, I should not have to explain to people why divorce is better as if I am clearing my own name!!! I mean come on; it takes two to tango, how about marriage?!! It takes two people to make it, and it does take two people to break it… it’s a general rule, but I am willing to agree to it in a way, only because I was not willing to continue in that marriage anymore myself.

I think our society needs to be more tolerant rather than prejudiced, if they can’t seem to properly handle religious interpretations. This is what I have been practicing for a while now; when I hear a divorce story or some other social story, I do my best to remain unbiased and to not look for hidden meanings and/or reasons; some things are simply what they are! And since I am doing it, I am being naive enough to expect others to do it with me as well; now I can honestly say I have projection added to my list of psychological ailments.

So to whoever reads that, please try to see the whole cup; not just the empty part, and not necessarily the full part alone either… there is always more than one angle when looking at things. When it gets confusing, just give your mind a break and think about something else, it’s better for your brain cells, only shortcoming is that you might get to suffer from short attention span syndrome… not the worst that could happen I tell ya.


Fadfadation said...

"tailoring quotes to fit our own perceptions of right and wrong!!"

Exactly, and that is what i hate about our society lately...eefff

ba2a kol wa7ed 2aralo kelmeteen thinks that he\she can twist things his\her way.


As for:
religious phrases “الرجال قوامون على النساء” and “و جعلنا للرجال على النساء درجة”


the phemonina of CUT and PASTE is what a lot suffer of :\

Someone i know said: "Only if a man falls in love can he make mistakes".

Man: as in a gentleman...mish halas ya3ny.

Ever thought of it?

insomniac said...

welcome again fad :)

as i said, it's a human thing to rationalize and tailor morals to your liking...

it's sad we do this to our religion because it takes away its sanctity and makes us lose credibility when we keep saying that all we have is our faith, then twist it...

as for the whole quotes for men's privileges, i agree, MEN... the only reason a man would be given that much authority is because he's burdened with even more responsibilities that he has to live up to, wallahu a3lam...

i respect men who live up to their responsibilities, and i was brought up to never question the well earned authority!

as for love, as cliche as it sounds, true love makes us better people... the love that makes us start making mistakes, will only bring us down... i think that's what loving him did to me! i think i have become a better person without his influence!

Fadfadation said...

Second marraige or betrayal is a question that is raised sometimes in such situations.

I was shocked to know that most women would choose the latter!!

insomniac said...

well, i wish he had come and talked to me like he always said he would!

he always joked about a second marriage saying he would come and ask me to help him choose, and i always answered in the same joking tone that i wouldn't care because i would be out of the marriage in a heart beat!

i don't agree with other women who prefer cheating...

if religion gave men a space to remarry, i can't object because there must be a point... but religion also gave me an option to not be involved anymore if i do not want to....

cheating however is cowardly and cheap!

Fadfadation said...

hmmm you gave me a nice idea for my new post...


insomniac said...

can't wait!

Arima said...

I completely sympathise with you and I for one could certainly not live with someone who had chated on me.
My parents ended up divorcing due to exactly the same scenario as you described and at first I thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen, however in retrospect I think it is much better to be brought up in a peaceful house than one that is over-run by bitterness, arguments and infidelities.
Religiously speaking, I believe that though divorce is not desirable the kind of atmosphere I have described is a much greater evil and not one that children should be brought up in as it will distort their own perceptions of relationships, religion etc.
Much better that you part ways and bring up your children alone but always speaking kindly of their father rather than them living with the fights, tears and arguments that inevitabley occur in this type of situation.
I have always held my mother in the utmost repect because of this and because of the fact that she never remarried as she did not wish to introduce an alternative father figure to our lives. She has had a very hard life bringing up three children alone, without even the support of her parents (who died young) and in a foreign country (she wanted us to know our culture) but I like to think that her efforts have paid off and that she can now be proud of all of us.
Sorry for the long comment.

Fadfadation said...

I agree with Arima.

Salute to her mother!

Fadfadation said...

The post has been said!

Jade said...

Our society stands for everything that is anti religious.

& everyone seems to be complaining about it... But no one is changing..

Weirrrrd fe3lan.

insomniac said...

sorry for the late reply you guys, i was away in Luxor & Aswan and it appears internet was down anyways... so, here i am :)

from what you said about your mom, i think she's a strong (very strong) person... respects :)

u mean u wrote a post... will go to ur blog check it right away!

you're right! this is why i stopped judging... every time i sense i am about to judge anyone, i take a moment to imagine being them... it's hard, but you can't demand change if ur incapable of doing what you're expecting others to do!