Help!

He’s calling, over and over and over. Normally, I wouldn’t have even bothered answering him. Actually, I know all the reasons behind his calls, and I hate them, yet for some idiotic reason I am tempted to reconsider!

His aunt visited a couple of weeks before New Year’s; she was trying to offer –on his behalf- a civil divorce with some compromising from our side. I was willing to agree, only my dad brought up a very important point: he’s unreliable and fickle; there are no guarantees he’d stick to whatever we agree on, so let it be what the court rules even if it’s much less because it was never about the money, it is about him being taught a lesson that actions DO have consequences.

I love my dad’s idealism, and there is no room for criticism here; I am my father’s daughter when it comes to ideals and notions I guess. And he has done me wrong, and killed something in me that I know will never be brought back to life. I have accepted my loss; but it would be rewarding to know that there is a price for him to pay, and that has nothing to do with holding a grudge.

It was mentioned to his aunt that he never even bothered asking to see the kids, to which she argued, that he was too proud. My father told her that pride should never come between a good loving parent and his/her kids, and asked her why pride has not stopped him from asking for the gifts he got me as his wife!! She was speechless, of course she should be; this what she got for defending an idiot and a coward (I say it without malice, I promise; it’s merely what he is).

So now I understand; she probably talked to him, she probably blamed him for making her look so bad with his weak paternal instincts and senseless logic, she probably went on and on about how adorable my kids have become; how beam makes up words and sometimes sentences, and how mocha is starting to have more significant features. Perhaps it had awaken something in him; however, whatever her words had awakened, it will dose off again the moment he discusses it with any of the dumb acquaintances with whom he’d been sharing private details.

Anyway! He keeps saying he wants to see them. I don’t mind! Well, actually I kinda do, but I know better to not let it get in the way of him communicating with them. Nonetheless, I don’t want to traumatize my sons; he can only see them if he promises to be a good father to them. He can’t just drop by and see them because he feels guilty or pressured; guilt and pressure won’t last and I wouldn’t want either of my kids to be unhappy missing him because he’s no longer feeling guilty or pressured to be present in their lives. He can’t just back off from this promise like he did with the promises he made to me, he can’t; I won’t let him.

He says he wants to meet at the club, and I say it has to be at home, where it’s safe and warm, and where I can distract beam if he cries as his father leaves. He objected to coming at our place because “ana ma2darsh adkhol el beet da tany”, to which I responded “your aunt dakhaleto, was she not welcomed?” It was a long futile argument that probably cost me a ticket as I drove while having it.

He doesn’t understand me, he never did. He thinks I am using my kids to punish him, but I am not! I don’t want another scene at the club with my son breaking my heart by refusing to leave with me. I don’t want my son to start saying his name when he wouldn’t care enough to show. My sons deserve nothing less than a good loving father; if they can’t have him, then they will not need to compromise for less.

If he doesn’t want to visit them at home because he’s too proud to set his feet where he has repeatedly insulted me, fine, we can arrange to have that visit at my aunt’s, the one who knows about all that.

However, I know he will say a lot of crap about not wanting to go there either; I also know why. He wouldn’t be able to bring his other two aunts, or his cousins who practically kicked me out, or his grandma who had falsely accused me of never greeting her in the morning. He would feel too awkward being hosted by people who would rather have nothing to do with him, and it should embarrass him.

I don’t care! This is another consequence he has to deal with. He has to be reminded of his insensitiveness every time he sees my sons, he has to feel uncomfortable and he has to spend time telling his family what the kids look like now, because they won’t be able to come and see for themselves, unless of course the can get over the discomfort. Except their cousins, they are never allowed in even if they did apologize to me in person, I would rather they don’t because there is really no need when I won’t be accepting their apology.

Am I being too hard? Perhaps! Should I give him room to try and talk me out of it? I don’t know, I don’t think I should.

I can’t help but wonder though, what if he really misses them and wants to see them??? Wouldn’t I be denying my kids a semi-reformed father in case he’s true?? My mind is going back in circles all over again! I am not sure what to decide. HELP!