“Who are you? By far, I’ve seen five different yous: 1) the adorable little girl who put nothing in the world above me, and who used to lie there in my arms making me feel the strongest man on earth, 2) the strong, mad, and unpredictable young woman who would insist on her opinion and stick to her ethics and values even if it backfires on her, 3) the annoying wife who would do every text book mistake that would lead to the destruction of her marriage, 4) the heartbroken wife and mother who fell apart, shut the whole world away and surrendered to depression (whom I know I was responsible for), and 5) the heartless fierce woman who would do whatever it takes to return the harm I inflicted on her with no regard to the history we shared (whom I also know I was responsible for). Right now, I have no idea who you are, you’re none of those!! And I can’t really tell who you are!”
You don’t know me, you didn’t even know me quite that well and my guess is you never will!!
I was once that girl for you, and that was the time you loved me the way you say you still do, you projected my love and returned it doubled and sometimes even tripled...
That strong opinionated young woman has always been who I am only we never argued until we started having different perceptions...
That wife, she loved you but she had completely lost faith in you and in everything else, which made her lose her way even more...
That heartbroken wife and mother was the result of some serious emotional abuse and let’s just stop there...
As for that heartless woman, she is who I will be if you ever consider harming me any further or harming my kids or my family.
As for who I am right now, I am a person who had found my faith in all the good that I can no longer see but somehow believe is there...
I am the person who had somehow found it in me to let go of all the anger and promised I would keep things civil as long as you keep it that way...
I am the person who held back the tears when she called to apologize and could somehow pretend like I was never hurt to begin with...
I am the person who realized that although it was alright to be that weak defenseless girl who was madly in love; however, my mistake was falling for you instead of someone who would know how appreciate and cherish that love...
I am the person who will find it in me to forgive you and her, but firstly forgive myself for letting you drag me into her darkest hours...
I am simply a person whom you can never understand, let alone fall in love with for I will always catch your bluff and you will never ever be able to feel superior anymore.
At some point personality number two would have taken the time to tell you all that, but the new me would just smile, take a deep breath and ask you when I can come pick up my things.
Don’t you just get it? The spell has been broken and my heart is free, even from hating you. Be the man I once though you were and let me go, and I promise you this will be the best thing you’ve ever done to me.
September 29, 2007
September 28, 2007
WTH!!
“You have sisters, you have two sons, do you even realize the impact of the label divorcee in this society? Your mom could die of grief and your father’s pride will be irreversibly damaged!! And for what? For some mistakes that can be forgiven? Let me tell you that, you will never find a husband that helps around the house and kneels before you begging for forgiveness? You see, there are four kinds of women: the young girl of 16-25 year old from a good wealthy family (whom I know you once were before getting married), who all guys want to marry, the divorcee from a good family who has no children from her previous marriage, the spinster who would compromise her social status to get married and get rid of the label, and the divorcee who has kids, who no one want to have to do anything with her, you see, she is expected to be irresponsible because she was too stubborn to see what’s in her best interest or in her children’s best interest, let alone failing in her marriage”
That was quoted from a man my respectful husband refers to as sheikh/x-judge/attorney/friend of my his late father’s who visited in an attempt to ‘fix things in a religious way’… of course he went on an on saying more crap that I would not know how to translate without losing the essence of his wisdom.
Did anyone else notice that the man didn’t even quote any thing from religion (I am thankful that he did not disgrace religion though)? Did anyone else sense the tone that is meant to intimidate me from considering the taboo aka divorce?
Excuse my French, WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TALK TO ME THAT WAY??? My own father (who would love to start an anti-divorce association) did not choose that cheap way of argument!
Bala araf!!
Feel free to comment…
That was quoted from a man my respectful husband refers to as sheikh/x-judge/attorney/friend of my his late father’s who visited in an attempt to ‘fix things in a religious way’… of course he went on an on saying more crap that I would not know how to translate without losing the essence of his wisdom.
Did anyone else notice that the man didn’t even quote any thing from religion (I am thankful that he did not disgrace religion though)? Did anyone else sense the tone that is meant to intimidate me from considering the taboo aka divorce?
Excuse my French, WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS TO TALK TO ME THAT WAY??? My own father (who would love to start an anti-divorce association) did not choose that cheap way of argument!
Bala araf!!
Feel free to comment…
September 24, 2007
One bad day, more to come… I am hanging in there!
BAD BAD DAY
I am not about to write details on what caused it, because I found them rather embarrassing, let alone humiliating.
I spent three hours crying and sobbing!! Shivering in anger and disbelief that things would come down to this, with every breath I took, I was praying to God it would be over soon without more shit.
My dad’s driver kept calling my name in an attempt to make me calm down! The man has never seen me that way!!!
I called an old friend of my dad’s and the three of my uncles’ asking for his help, the way he talked to me made me feel better but I couldn’t stop crying. This man had seen me through different times since I was a little girl who couldn’t say two letters, and I think the one time he saw me cry was when I had that serious head injury my uncle K caused.
Two complete strangers whom I had to communicate with saw me that way too, they kept asking me questions with me trying to give coherent answers and when I was finished, one of them said that I looked ‘bent nas’ and that this shall and will make me stronger.
My friend N was there, she kept yelling at me not to cry and be the ‘tough chick’ she’s always known me to be. She kept saying that God is there and no one can dodge his wrath.
My dad called me in the midst of my hysteria and told me, to be strong and that it is all for the best and that by tomorrow better things will happen. However, he didn’t tell me he’d make it stop! Oh I miss how it felt to think your daddy can make the world stop when you stumble and fall until you can stand up again.
As I was crossing the street to get into the car, I felt strong pain in my abdomen, I had no idea what it was but it could be my colon objecting to all the pressure, I sucked it up and walked with my head high, not that anyone was watching.
I went home and found my son running towards me and jumping in my arms and there was my relief… a little hug that lingered giving me something tangible to hold on to in addition to my inner peace and conviction that no one could harm me unless it’s God’s will. I prayed and went in my sister’s room because I didn’t want to be alone only to fall asleep on her bed with my younger son in my arms.
After iftar, my friend H came to check on me. We sat on my bed and I told her the details I could remember in a quiet and calm tone. She kept telling me that it is for the best and that in sha2 Allah everything will be ok, then she smiled and paused, then went on “you know what, I don’t remember ever seeing you that peaceful!! You’re usually ranting and cursing or just crying!! mA, you’ve grown and you finally have that peace you were looking for”.
It made me smile, for I knew exactly what she was talking about. I know the old me would have been blinded by anger to even remember saying God’s name and pray for him. I know I would have just went on and on about what I was gonna do in return; now, I just laid back ad said, let’s see what’s next, and then we’ll see how we should react. Yep, I am back to the person I never really was, but always thought I was!! It took me seven years to see things for how they really are. And if that’s the price I had to pay to get here, alhamdulilah.
Dear God, thank you for everything, thank you for helping me find something good all through the past couple of weeks. I will stop asking You to make it over soon, I will just pray to You that it ends fairly, and when it does, please let me be the better person and don’t make me lose anything worth crying for, amen.
I am not about to write details on what caused it, because I found them rather embarrassing, let alone humiliating.
I spent three hours crying and sobbing!! Shivering in anger and disbelief that things would come down to this, with every breath I took, I was praying to God it would be over soon without more shit.
My dad’s driver kept calling my name in an attempt to make me calm down! The man has never seen me that way!!!
I called an old friend of my dad’s and the three of my uncles’ asking for his help, the way he talked to me made me feel better but I couldn’t stop crying. This man had seen me through different times since I was a little girl who couldn’t say two letters, and I think the one time he saw me cry was when I had that serious head injury my uncle K caused.
Two complete strangers whom I had to communicate with saw me that way too, they kept asking me questions with me trying to give coherent answers and when I was finished, one of them said that I looked ‘bent nas’ and that this shall and will make me stronger.
My friend N was there, she kept yelling at me not to cry and be the ‘tough chick’ she’s always known me to be. She kept saying that God is there and no one can dodge his wrath.
My dad called me in the midst of my hysteria and told me, to be strong and that it is all for the best and that by tomorrow better things will happen. However, he didn’t tell me he’d make it stop! Oh I miss how it felt to think your daddy can make the world stop when you stumble and fall until you can stand up again.
As I was crossing the street to get into the car, I felt strong pain in my abdomen, I had no idea what it was but it could be my colon objecting to all the pressure, I sucked it up and walked with my head high, not that anyone was watching.
I went home and found my son running towards me and jumping in my arms and there was my relief… a little hug that lingered giving me something tangible to hold on to in addition to my inner peace and conviction that no one could harm me unless it’s God’s will. I prayed and went in my sister’s room because I didn’t want to be alone only to fall asleep on her bed with my younger son in my arms.
After iftar, my friend H came to check on me. We sat on my bed and I told her the details I could remember in a quiet and calm tone. She kept telling me that it is for the best and that in sha2 Allah everything will be ok, then she smiled and paused, then went on “you know what, I don’t remember ever seeing you that peaceful!! You’re usually ranting and cursing or just crying!! mA, you’ve grown and you finally have that peace you were looking for”.
It made me smile, for I knew exactly what she was talking about. I know the old me would have been blinded by anger to even remember saying God’s name and pray for him. I know I would have just went on and on about what I was gonna do in return; now, I just laid back ad said, let’s see what’s next, and then we’ll see how we should react. Yep, I am back to the person I never really was, but always thought I was!! It took me seven years to see things for how they really are. And if that’s the price I had to pay to get here, alhamdulilah.
Dear God, thank you for everything, thank you for helping me find something good all through the past couple of weeks. I will stop asking You to make it over soon, I will just pray to You that it ends fairly, and when it does, please let me be the better person and don’t make me lose anything worth crying for, amen.
September 22, 2007
“In ma3 al 3osr yousr”…
I know it’s far from over, I know it makes me sound naïve, but I am in a good mood and I actually did have a good day all smiles and laughter despite my awareness that things will get uglier!!
This is me screaming with a big smile on my face “I feel good”… for now at least :) and I will enjoy it damn it!
Ok… now I am ready for more shit, with the same smile and more strength to be patient….
This is me screaming with a big smile on my face “I feel good”… for now at least :) and I will enjoy it damn it!
Ok… now I am ready for more shit, with the same smile and more strength to be patient….
September 21, 2007
One more thing, ruined!!
I always like receiving emails and text messages --- not those forwards and group kinda messages; it’s basically because I have good friends who check on me or have something humorous to tell me. So I usually have a big smile on my face almost every time I check my email or my cell phone. A friendly name pops there and I am all anxious to read the content.
Now, every time I hear the message tone on my cell phone, my heart jumps (and not in a good way, like a cruel fist is squeezing the life out of it) and I think to myself “Rabena yostor”… now, it’s either an insult or a curse, or basically something that would make me smile sarcastically to hide more pain.
It’s pathetic, I mean I know it’s his only way of ruining my peaceful times. I know he knows I stay up until dawn and that he probably just got back or may be still out with friends and thought it would be a good idea to send me some of his precious pearls of wisdom in this specific time to shake me up a bit.
Khalas, balash messages ya Rab, mesh ayza la emails wala messages, wala hatta telephonat…. Ana ayza ana we mesh ayza had yesaheeny… insomnia sucks!
Now, every time I hear the message tone on my cell phone, my heart jumps (and not in a good way, like a cruel fist is squeezing the life out of it) and I think to myself “Rabena yostor”… now, it’s either an insult or a curse, or basically something that would make me smile sarcastically to hide more pain.
It’s pathetic, I mean I know it’s his only way of ruining my peaceful times. I know he knows I stay up until dawn and that he probably just got back or may be still out with friends and thought it would be a good idea to send me some of his precious pearls of wisdom in this specific time to shake me up a bit.
Khalas, balash messages ya Rab, mesh ayza la emails wala messages, wala hatta telephonat…. Ana ayza ana we mesh ayza had yesaheeny… insomnia sucks!
September 20, 2007
The worst feeling …
I’ve tried so hard not to cry today… I wanted to make it perfect, but who was I kidding! As birthdays go, this one was a mess, until we gathered to sing “happy birthday” and all of us were too tired and consumed. I am glad my son is too young to grasp any of the drama, and I am glad he enjoyed the cake and the candles.
There has been an unofficial poll about the worst feeling one can feel. Today, I felt more than just one…
I felt totally and utterly offended by his sick insults… I remained there as I read what he had sent me and just went blank… I didn’t know what to even think let alone how to respond…
I felt oppressed… not just were his insults offensive, but also they were untrue and a mere projection to his own sick behavior…
I felt helpless… when all I can do in return is remain in a state of shock for a while, then start mumbling hysterically, and then cry so hard that I can barely keep my eyes opened now, it’s sad and pathetic…
I felt weak… my helplessness automatically made me feel weaker and weaker, helpless and weak is a very bad combination…
I felt lonely… no I was not alone, I have lots of support, but no one can really help! The fact that he’s my kids’ father cripples everyone. I sat there crying not wanting to call anyone for moral support or whatever because I know it won’t help much. As a matter of fact I was on the phone with my best friend as it all started and she laughed sarcastically telling me that it’s another cheap stunt and that I should not let it get to me. Easy to say I guess.
I felt vulnerable… yes, he can still get to me… I know I said I was over him, and I am, I really am… but every time he pulls something like that off, it gets to me… I hate how he knows how to do that, how he knows how to make me feel that way…
I felt brotherless (I know it’s not even a word)… I think only a brother would go kick his a** because my dad is too wise and caring about ‘el osool’ to do it. There was a time, he was that brother to me who would protect me against harm, but now the he inflicts that harm so shamelessly… I have a lot of good brother figures, but I would not count on any of them, it would only make it worse I know…
I felt stupid… was I really that blind to see him for who he really is?? My sisters say there’s been a dramatic change, but can people really change that way and be that evil??
I felt regretful… I’ve never ever felt regret about anything in my life, now I actually have him as my first regret (I would so like to say my only regret, but who knows)…
I felt scared… although I know his words are nothing but sick twisted lies, I am also aware that words can sometimes cause more harm… I know I don’t even care who believes his lies, for those who know me do know better, and those who will believe his lies mean nothing to me, but the fact that he’d say all that with no regard to anything, even the fact that we’re still married, made me worry about whatever sick and twisted things he can do, which can –and chances are will- cause harm…
I know I would sound naive saying that I just can believe some people would sink that low, but I do!! The little girl in me who still believes in fairytales refuses to believe that there could be that much evil in someone’s heart… it’s not just give-the-princess-a-poisoned-apple kinda evil, it’s do-whatever-it-takes-to-hurt-someone-so-they-never-heal kinda evil. I will ever get why people would act that way…
A good friend of mine keeps telling me to be patient and pray a lot and that truth and justice will eventually prevail. I know it’s Ramadan, I know that I am ‘mazlooma’, which means that my prayers shall be answered and all, but it still hurts even when I know that it will be over.
I believe it will be over. I believe that if I hold on to my faith in God he will give me the strength I need to be patient and reward me for it. I believe that when it’s all over nothing will remain but the memory, but the memory is so dark and painful and I know it has changed something in me that will never be the same.
I just hope it would be over soon ya Rab.
There has been an unofficial poll about the worst feeling one can feel. Today, I felt more than just one…
I felt totally and utterly offended by his sick insults… I remained there as I read what he had sent me and just went blank… I didn’t know what to even think let alone how to respond…
I felt oppressed… not just were his insults offensive, but also they were untrue and a mere projection to his own sick behavior…
I felt helpless… when all I can do in return is remain in a state of shock for a while, then start mumbling hysterically, and then cry so hard that I can barely keep my eyes opened now, it’s sad and pathetic…
I felt weak… my helplessness automatically made me feel weaker and weaker, helpless and weak is a very bad combination…
I felt lonely… no I was not alone, I have lots of support, but no one can really help! The fact that he’s my kids’ father cripples everyone. I sat there crying not wanting to call anyone for moral support or whatever because I know it won’t help much. As a matter of fact I was on the phone with my best friend as it all started and she laughed sarcastically telling me that it’s another cheap stunt and that I should not let it get to me. Easy to say I guess.
I felt vulnerable… yes, he can still get to me… I know I said I was over him, and I am, I really am… but every time he pulls something like that off, it gets to me… I hate how he knows how to do that, how he knows how to make me feel that way…
I felt brotherless (I know it’s not even a word)… I think only a brother would go kick his a** because my dad is too wise and caring about ‘el osool’ to do it. There was a time, he was that brother to me who would protect me against harm, but now the he inflicts that harm so shamelessly… I have a lot of good brother figures, but I would not count on any of them, it would only make it worse I know…
I felt stupid… was I really that blind to see him for who he really is?? My sisters say there’s been a dramatic change, but can people really change that way and be that evil??
I felt regretful… I’ve never ever felt regret about anything in my life, now I actually have him as my first regret (I would so like to say my only regret, but who knows)…
I felt scared… although I know his words are nothing but sick twisted lies, I am also aware that words can sometimes cause more harm… I know I don’t even care who believes his lies, for those who know me do know better, and those who will believe his lies mean nothing to me, but the fact that he’d say all that with no regard to anything, even the fact that we’re still married, made me worry about whatever sick and twisted things he can do, which can –and chances are will- cause harm…
I know I would sound naive saying that I just can believe some people would sink that low, but I do!! The little girl in me who still believes in fairytales refuses to believe that there could be that much evil in someone’s heart… it’s not just give-the-princess-a-poisoned-apple kinda evil, it’s do-whatever-it-takes-to-hurt-someone-so-they-never-heal kinda evil. I will ever get why people would act that way…
A good friend of mine keeps telling me to be patient and pray a lot and that truth and justice will eventually prevail. I know it’s Ramadan, I know that I am ‘mazlooma’, which means that my prayers shall be answered and all, but it still hurts even when I know that it will be over.
I believe it will be over. I believe that if I hold on to my faith in God he will give me the strength I need to be patient and reward me for it. I believe that when it’s all over nothing will remain but the memory, but the memory is so dark and painful and I know it has changed something in me that will never be the same.
I just hope it would be over soon ya Rab.
September 19, 2007
It’s been two years!!
My little prince ( aka playa’ ;) ) turns two today :)
I am such a terrible mom, haven’t arranged anything for the cake yet! Well, there won’t be a party; just us. Tomorrow isA I will wake up early enough to have it all prepared. I already have the balloons, so I will get some party stuff and will make him feel special.
I am in no mood for celebration but I will do my best to make him happy all day and I will try my best not to yell at him when he drives me crazy, just for today!!
YA RAB all goes well…
Happy birthday sweetie :) mommy loves you soooooooooo much you annoying you :) and so does each of daddoo, nanna, gaga, and gogo ;)
I am such a terrible mom, haven’t arranged anything for the cake yet! Well, there won’t be a party; just us. Tomorrow isA I will wake up early enough to have it all prepared. I already have the balloons, so I will get some party stuff and will make him feel special.
I am in no mood for celebration but I will do my best to make him happy all day and I will try my best not to yell at him when he drives me crazy, just for today!!
YA RAB all goes well…
Happy birthday sweetie :) mommy loves you soooooooooo much you annoying you :) and so does each of daddoo, nanna, gaga, and gogo ;)
September 18, 2007
An Update on Pandora's Box
Mesh Pandora's Box tele' faaaaaaaaaaaaaaady (LOL)
I can't believe I wrote the dramatic post below for an empty box. Anyways, I learned to force myself into seeing the silver lining. I have more conviction now, this is my silver lining.
I can't believe I wrote the dramatic post below for an empty box. Anyways, I learned to force myself into seeing the silver lining. I have more conviction now, this is my silver lining.
September 17, 2007
My own Pandora’s Box
I know what’s in the box… I just don’t know if I can deal with the consequences of it getting out. I’ve been searching for the key for quite sometime and now that it practically fell on my lap, I have butterflies in my stomach as I put it in the lock and turn it…
Will the truth that I already know make me feel better once it’s out in the open? It better, because I know it won’t come for free. Nothing is ever for free, and I think I have already paid that price.
Ok, before I open the box of darkness (how can truth be so dark?) I am taking a moment here to promise myself I will not regret this. No, I will not regret this… I better do it and deal with the consequences than not do it ad forever wonder what could have happened. A wasted chance is a lot worse than a chance that never comes.
Ostorha ya Rab….
Will the truth that I already know make me feel better once it’s out in the open? It better, because I know it won’t come for free. Nothing is ever for free, and I think I have already paid that price.
Ok, before I open the box of darkness (how can truth be so dark?) I am taking a moment here to promise myself I will not regret this. No, I will not regret this… I better do it and deal with the consequences than not do it ad forever wonder what could have happened. A wasted chance is a lot worse than a chance that never comes.
Ostorha ya Rab….
September 13, 2007
September 11, 2007
I am grateful…
I know things are worse than I could have possibly imagined, and honestly I think it will get even worse in the upcoming days. No, I am not being pessimistic, I can see the facts and I won’t indulge myself in denial.
However, I am certain it will end. I remember my car accident and my injury, and I remember how it helped to believe I was gonna get better, and I did eventually. I am grateful it is not a health matter and I am grateful it does not include losing a loved one. And that makes me know that when it is over, everything will be ok again.
For the time being, I would like to count my blessing to remind myself of all the good things I have…
I am grateful for having two amazing and healthy kids, each with a smile good enough to brighten my day…
I am grateful for having two amazingly supportive sisters who are there to show concern and listen when I need to talk…
I am grateful for having a loving family; despite how they may act thinking they know what’s best for me and my kids…
I am grateful for having the best friends one could ever hope for… I always thought I had a selected few, but as it turns out I have a lot more and I know how rare that is!
I am grateful that my health is stable…
I am grateful that through all that madness I could keep my sanity…
I am grateful I have the means to lead a good life without him or his help…
I am grateful that when my anger and my hurt subside, I am still able to smile and enjoy the good times I share with friends and family…
I am grateful that my prayers give me the peace of mind I need when it gets too much to handle…
I am grateful for everything that helps me get through the day even when I know it could still get worse…
I am grateful for knowing that when all is over, I will still have all the things I am grateful I have…
And that, gives me the strength I need to be patient…
However, I am certain it will end. I remember my car accident and my injury, and I remember how it helped to believe I was gonna get better, and I did eventually. I am grateful it is not a health matter and I am grateful it does not include losing a loved one. And that makes me know that when it is over, everything will be ok again.
For the time being, I would like to count my blessing to remind myself of all the good things I have…
I am grateful for having two amazing and healthy kids, each with a smile good enough to brighten my day…
I am grateful for having two amazingly supportive sisters who are there to show concern and listen when I need to talk…
I am grateful for having a loving family; despite how they may act thinking they know what’s best for me and my kids…
I am grateful for having the best friends one could ever hope for… I always thought I had a selected few, but as it turns out I have a lot more and I know how rare that is!
I am grateful that my health is stable…
I am grateful that through all that madness I could keep my sanity…
I am grateful I have the means to lead a good life without him or his help…
I am grateful that when my anger and my hurt subside, I am still able to smile and enjoy the good times I share with friends and family…
I am grateful that my prayers give me the peace of mind I need when it gets too much to handle…
I am grateful for everything that helps me get through the day even when I know it could still get worse…
I am grateful for knowing that when all is over, I will still have all the things I am grateful I have…
And that, gives me the strength I need to be patient…
September 10, 2007
Something to hold on to…
Unlike what my husband thinks, I don’t cry easily and in fact I do hate crying. It is more likely that I would cry out of anger than hurt, but then again, I get angry when I’m hurt. Thanks to him, I’ve cried rivers. They were not over him, they were over me and that’s it.
When I was a child, I would run to the phone and call my late nana (Allah yerhamha), and complain to her about my parents. She used to give mama some real hard time, and always defended baba although she was his mother in-law!! She would ask baba’s permission to send me over so that I can spend a few days with her, and he could never say no.
There were a couple of years that she spent at my uncle’s in the US, and another year spent at my aunt’s in the UAE, where I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call her. Whenever I cried, I always whispered her name to make myself feel better, to remind myself that there’s someone out there who can take all my pain away and make it up to me.
Yesterday, when I finally broke down and cried right there in front of everyone, I looked at my father’s eyes and saw how angry he was at me for losing my temper. I looked at my husband eyes, and instantly looked away. Then I avoided looking at mama or the husband’s aunts, I just couldn’t deal with what I might have seen in their eyes.
For the first time in my life, I looked down!! I found my lips trembling and saying her name. I wanted nothing in the world but her arms to shelter me from it all. I wished she were right there as healthy as she once was, yelling at them and telling them that they just can’t do that to me. I kept repeating her name to myself, but the more I did, the more I cried as if she just died again. I felt alone, helpless and oppressed.
I wonder if she would have taken my dad’s side on this one. I don’t think she would have. She would have never asked me to remain in a marriage like that. She maintained her wreck of a marriage for more than 30 years!! She got a divorce shortly after my youngest aunt got married. I was old enough to remember it all. I didn’t understand the reasons, all I ever remember is how agonized she was. How she used to wish he’d suffer for the rest of his life (my grandpa).
When I grew up a little I knew some of the facts from my uncles and aunts, not that they sat me down and told me the story, but it was more of bits and pieces that I overheard them as they argued about. He was all she knew, she married him pretty young. Apparently she was the more mature one and the stronger character nevertheless. The fact, that made him feel inferior that he would impose too many rules in the name of religion that he didn’t really live by at that time.
Of course, being the strong willed, opinionated woman she was, she never submitted to what she thought was wrong or unfair. He remarried, one time after the other to spite and humiliate her. He always said things like how he’d marry someone else who knows how to be a better wife whatever that meant. He even had a daughter who’s seven years older than me!! As far as religion goes, he was never fair to her or to any of his kids, including that daughter.
She resented him for a life time. I have seen first hand how her hate and anger consumed her. How her face would change when his name was mentioned. I could never like him, and I could never respect him. I always blamed him for everything that went wrong with my youngest uncle.
He was an absent father. I don’t even have any good memory of him as a grandfather!! He was cold and distant and had no compassion, all in the name of religion… and the sad thing was, he was convinced he was right.
I say all that about him, and I know he was a 100 times better than the man I am married to. I understand he did what he thought was right and he was blinded by his wrong convictions. Nevertheless, he killed her spirit and had her waste all her good years on his account. If anyone asks me, I think my nana died of anger.
This is exactly why I know she would have never told me to stay. She would know exactly how I feel right now and she would have never allowed me to have the same ending she had, not for my kids and not for anyone.
No matter how this ends, I promise you nana I will not let anger consume me. I will not hate him, for he doesn’t deserve any kind of emotion really. I will not let him kill my spirit, that spirit I took after you. Every time he gets to me, I will think of you and remember my promise to you. May your soul rest in peace.
When I was a child, I would run to the phone and call my late nana (Allah yerhamha), and complain to her about my parents. She used to give mama some real hard time, and always defended baba although she was his mother in-law!! She would ask baba’s permission to send me over so that I can spend a few days with her, and he could never say no.
There were a couple of years that she spent at my uncle’s in the US, and another year spent at my aunt’s in the UAE, where I couldn’t just pick up the phone and call her. Whenever I cried, I always whispered her name to make myself feel better, to remind myself that there’s someone out there who can take all my pain away and make it up to me.
Yesterday, when I finally broke down and cried right there in front of everyone, I looked at my father’s eyes and saw how angry he was at me for losing my temper. I looked at my husband eyes, and instantly looked away. Then I avoided looking at mama or the husband’s aunts, I just couldn’t deal with what I might have seen in their eyes.
For the first time in my life, I looked down!! I found my lips trembling and saying her name. I wanted nothing in the world but her arms to shelter me from it all. I wished she were right there as healthy as she once was, yelling at them and telling them that they just can’t do that to me. I kept repeating her name to myself, but the more I did, the more I cried as if she just died again. I felt alone, helpless and oppressed.
I wonder if she would have taken my dad’s side on this one. I don’t think she would have. She would have never asked me to remain in a marriage like that. She maintained her wreck of a marriage for more than 30 years!! She got a divorce shortly after my youngest aunt got married. I was old enough to remember it all. I didn’t understand the reasons, all I ever remember is how agonized she was. How she used to wish he’d suffer for the rest of his life (my grandpa).
When I grew up a little I knew some of the facts from my uncles and aunts, not that they sat me down and told me the story, but it was more of bits and pieces that I overheard them as they argued about. He was all she knew, she married him pretty young. Apparently she was the more mature one and the stronger character nevertheless. The fact, that made him feel inferior that he would impose too many rules in the name of religion that he didn’t really live by at that time.
Of course, being the strong willed, opinionated woman she was, she never submitted to what she thought was wrong or unfair. He remarried, one time after the other to spite and humiliate her. He always said things like how he’d marry someone else who knows how to be a better wife whatever that meant. He even had a daughter who’s seven years older than me!! As far as religion goes, he was never fair to her or to any of his kids, including that daughter.
She resented him for a life time. I have seen first hand how her hate and anger consumed her. How her face would change when his name was mentioned. I could never like him, and I could never respect him. I always blamed him for everything that went wrong with my youngest uncle.
He was an absent father. I don’t even have any good memory of him as a grandfather!! He was cold and distant and had no compassion, all in the name of religion… and the sad thing was, he was convinced he was right.
I say all that about him, and I know he was a 100 times better than the man I am married to. I understand he did what he thought was right and he was blinded by his wrong convictions. Nevertheless, he killed her spirit and had her waste all her good years on his account. If anyone asks me, I think my nana died of anger.
This is exactly why I know she would have never told me to stay. She would know exactly how I feel right now and she would have never allowed me to have the same ending she had, not for my kids and not for anyone.
No matter how this ends, I promise you nana I will not let anger consume me. I will not hate him, for he doesn’t deserve any kind of emotion really. I will not let him kill my spirit, that spirit I took after you. Every time he gets to me, I will think of you and remember my promise to you. May your soul rest in peace.
September 9, 2007
What’s the point?
Dear Mom and Dad,
What’s the point of telling me to have more faith, when all you do is make me question everything I ever believed in?
What’s the point of telling me to do what’s right, when no one else really does?
What’s the point of asking me to believe in what’s good and what’s fair when they never prevail?
What’s the point of bringing me up to be the person I am right now; the person who has high ethical standards and would never compromise her values, when you’re asking me to let go of it all and return to someone who has no ethics and does not respect my values??
What’s the point of remaining strong, when you do nothing but weaken me?
What’s the point of having a life, when I have absolutely no control over it?
What’s the point of raising my kids to believe in all those things, when I no longer do?
What’s the point of acting in favor of what’s good for my kids, when you’re not doing the same thing for me?
I need answers for all those questions, not an accusing look or a hug for that matter. I need to know that my own parents would do for me what they are asking me to do for my kids. I need to feel your support if I am ever to get over what you did last night. Before you answer those questions, think hard and know that your answers can make or break not just my life, but also your grand children’s lives as well.
----------------------------------------------------------
To you,
What’s the point of bringing your feverish son candy or a ball, when you come five hours late because you were in the sauna with another loser whom you call friend? And for that matter, what’s the point of going to the gym, when you smoke your lungs out afterwards? (anyone sees how futile this is??!!)
What’s the point of asking me to come home, when you don’t even have the common sense of asking in a decent manner?
What’s the point of kissing me on the head in front of everyone, when the next moment you’re making direct implications that I’ve had inappropriate friendships with guys whom I actually told you about?
What’s the point of following me into my room when I lose my temper and telling me when no one else is there that you cheated and that you’re sorry, when you would call me delusional and paranoid in front of my family and yours?
What’s the point of kneeling and kissing my feet despite my asking you not to, when we both know you’d come out of the room to trash me again?
What’s the point of saying that you love me and begging for me to give ‘us’ a chance for the sake of what has been and the kids, when you never did when it was time to make a choice?
What’s the point of admitting to me you were wrong, when you end up blaming it either on me or her, but never you?
What’s the point of apologizing at all, when we both know you’ll do it all over again, if not even worse?
What’s the point of it all? Is it about winning or losing? Is it about wanting to break my spirit?
Well, you know what? Your wife or not, you already lost me, and there is no way you will ever have me back. As for my spirit, you can never break that. No matter how many times you make me lose my temper or cry in front of you or others, I will only get stronger, that I promise you.
You know what else, I don’t even want any answers from you to the questions I just asked. I don’t care. I don’t care if you say you will make it up. You can never do it, you wouldn’t know where to begin, for let’s face it, I may be easy to please, but I am very hard to impress.
Haven’t you seen the look in my eyes yesterday? Didn’t you see the anger and the rage as you spoke your lies shamelessly in front of them? Didn’t you see the dismay when you said “erga3y ba2a 3ashan khater weladna”? Didn’t you feel the rejection when you tried to touch me? Did it make you feel better when I finally broke down and started crying? Did it make you feel superior to see me that helpless with everyone telling me I should go back ‘home’ with you?
It’s so sad that you’re actually ok with me returning when you know I am doing it against my will. How could you possibly think that our marriage can last, when there is nothing left to fix, when there’s nothing left to return to?
My advice to you is to let go. Try to live up to whatever is left of the promises you never kept. Give me one good thing to remember you by, like the look on your face when you once said you would never keep me against my will. I already told you I no longer want to be with you. I already said that I lost the love, the trust and the respect I once had for you. Is there anything more to say? If there is, consider it said and just let me go.
What’s the point of telling me to have more faith, when all you do is make me question everything I ever believed in?
What’s the point of telling me to do what’s right, when no one else really does?
What’s the point of asking me to believe in what’s good and what’s fair when they never prevail?
What’s the point of bringing me up to be the person I am right now; the person who has high ethical standards and would never compromise her values, when you’re asking me to let go of it all and return to someone who has no ethics and does not respect my values??
What’s the point of remaining strong, when you do nothing but weaken me?
What’s the point of having a life, when I have absolutely no control over it?
What’s the point of raising my kids to believe in all those things, when I no longer do?
What’s the point of acting in favor of what’s good for my kids, when you’re not doing the same thing for me?
I need answers for all those questions, not an accusing look or a hug for that matter. I need to know that my own parents would do for me what they are asking me to do for my kids. I need to feel your support if I am ever to get over what you did last night. Before you answer those questions, think hard and know that your answers can make or break not just my life, but also your grand children’s lives as well.
----------------------------------------------------------
To you,
What’s the point of bringing your feverish son candy or a ball, when you come five hours late because you were in the sauna with another loser whom you call friend? And for that matter, what’s the point of going to the gym, when you smoke your lungs out afterwards? (anyone sees how futile this is??!!)
What’s the point of asking me to come home, when you don’t even have the common sense of asking in a decent manner?
What’s the point of kissing me on the head in front of everyone, when the next moment you’re making direct implications that I’ve had inappropriate friendships with guys whom I actually told you about?
What’s the point of following me into my room when I lose my temper and telling me when no one else is there that you cheated and that you’re sorry, when you would call me delusional and paranoid in front of my family and yours?
What’s the point of kneeling and kissing my feet despite my asking you not to, when we both know you’d come out of the room to trash me again?
What’s the point of saying that you love me and begging for me to give ‘us’ a chance for the sake of what has been and the kids, when you never did when it was time to make a choice?
What’s the point of admitting to me you were wrong, when you end up blaming it either on me or her, but never you?
What’s the point of apologizing at all, when we both know you’ll do it all over again, if not even worse?
What’s the point of it all? Is it about winning or losing? Is it about wanting to break my spirit?
Well, you know what? Your wife or not, you already lost me, and there is no way you will ever have me back. As for my spirit, you can never break that. No matter how many times you make me lose my temper or cry in front of you or others, I will only get stronger, that I promise you.
You know what else, I don’t even want any answers from you to the questions I just asked. I don’t care. I don’t care if you say you will make it up. You can never do it, you wouldn’t know where to begin, for let’s face it, I may be easy to please, but I am very hard to impress.
Haven’t you seen the look in my eyes yesterday? Didn’t you see the anger and the rage as you spoke your lies shamelessly in front of them? Didn’t you see the dismay when you said “erga3y ba2a 3ashan khater weladna”? Didn’t you feel the rejection when you tried to touch me? Did it make you feel better when I finally broke down and started crying? Did it make you feel superior to see me that helpless with everyone telling me I should go back ‘home’ with you?
It’s so sad that you’re actually ok with me returning when you know I am doing it against my will. How could you possibly think that our marriage can last, when there is nothing left to fix, when there’s nothing left to return to?
My advice to you is to let go. Try to live up to whatever is left of the promises you never kept. Give me one good thing to remember you by, like the look on your face when you once said you would never keep me against my will. I already told you I no longer want to be with you. I already said that I lost the love, the trust and the respect I once had for you. Is there anything more to say? If there is, consider it said and just let me go.
September 4, 2007
Dear Mom,
I try my best not to be angry at you. I know you mean well, but mom, somehow you always manage to cause harm!!
So many incidents come to mind right now… incidents I chose to let go of, for I knew it would do me no good to hold on to them, but for some reason they remain in the back of my mind to haunt me every time you act the way you do.
I know it’s who you are, I understand that you can’t help but blurt hurtful words when you’re emotional or worried, words that we both know you do regret saying afterwards. I know you get worried about me, but seriously, cut me some slack!! I am very angry at you right now and I am trying to restrain my language because I can’t restrain my attitude when you start attacking.
It’s always the same routine. You storm in and say something extremely insensitive, sometimes I try to not react and then you actually push it until either I reply calmly saying something provocative or just burst into a screaming contest with you. And then you start insulting me and then I tell you things like “the apple wouldn’t fall that far away from the tree now would it?” and it gets ugly!! Every single time!! Aren’t you tired?? I mean, we’ve established that you love me and that I love you. So why make it so damn hard???
Funny thing… well not really!! I was telling my therapist how you and the husband now hate each other’s guts and I said “it’s funny how two people hate each other for the very same things they have in common!!”… she automatically asked what the things you two have in common … 1) I said both of you are extremists when it comes to judging people, and by that I mean both extremes!!… 2) both of you can say the most hurtful words ever, then apologize so hard for them not realizing it’s not that easy to pretend it never happened… 3) the two of you tend to purchase anything you like excessively until you simply get too sick of it and it ends up thrown away or worse, abandoned… 4) both of you like leaving with your words said last… and 5) both of you walk away in the middle of the fight and leave me fuming with anger!! The only difference is that I made you angrier by always replying, and made him angrier by not replying at all!!!
Then my therapist smiled and said “no wonder you married him”… I was like “come again!!!”… she explained that I was agonized over how bad my relationship with you is, that my subconscious was content I found relief with a person who has that much in common with you, yet somehow accepted me for who I am!!! Whatever!!
As much as I would like to use this theory to blame you for whatever choices I made, I’d rather not!! I know I owe some serious flaws in my personality to you and I am ok with it really, I just don’t wanna blame you for anything, I really don’t!! Not because I’m a big person, but because I think my life would be much easier if I don’t. I hear my baby sis saying “but you do blame her all the time, even when you know it’s who she is”… I do it only when I am angry at you having to deal with your insults and extremely annoying crap… it comes out way faster than I can stop it!!
Now, I know it would hurt you a lot if I tell you what that therapist said. You would automatically pretend like she’s right, and then find ways to make a conspiracy theory out of her talk. You’d forget how much you admired her when I told you she said I did not need meds and that my anger issues were due to current circumstances (that day you would have called her personally to thank her), but now, you’d say that she’s turning me against you because it’s better to divert my anger or whatever….
But ma, let’s face it, we do have a problem… and by the way, it’s not just you and me, I mean come one, look at my sisters!! Both of them are avoiding you to their best… leaving you no one but me to yell at because you know you can always get a reaction out of me.
As for the divorce thing, stop combining baba’s thoughts and ideas with your fear… judging people by their marital status is biting the two of you in the ass right now, it’s only fair, so just accept it… I don’t mind :)
Ok, that last phrase would definitely get me kicked out if I do say it to her… I know I will in our next fight though!!
So many incidents come to mind right now… incidents I chose to let go of, for I knew it would do me no good to hold on to them, but for some reason they remain in the back of my mind to haunt me every time you act the way you do.
I know it’s who you are, I understand that you can’t help but blurt hurtful words when you’re emotional or worried, words that we both know you do regret saying afterwards. I know you get worried about me, but seriously, cut me some slack!! I am very angry at you right now and I am trying to restrain my language because I can’t restrain my attitude when you start attacking.
It’s always the same routine. You storm in and say something extremely insensitive, sometimes I try to not react and then you actually push it until either I reply calmly saying something provocative or just burst into a screaming contest with you. And then you start insulting me and then I tell you things like “the apple wouldn’t fall that far away from the tree now would it?” and it gets ugly!! Every single time!! Aren’t you tired?? I mean, we’ve established that you love me and that I love you. So why make it so damn hard???
Funny thing… well not really!! I was telling my therapist how you and the husband now hate each other’s guts and I said “it’s funny how two people hate each other for the very same things they have in common!!”… she automatically asked what the things you two have in common … 1) I said both of you are extremists when it comes to judging people, and by that I mean both extremes!!… 2) both of you can say the most hurtful words ever, then apologize so hard for them not realizing it’s not that easy to pretend it never happened… 3) the two of you tend to purchase anything you like excessively until you simply get too sick of it and it ends up thrown away or worse, abandoned… 4) both of you like leaving with your words said last… and 5) both of you walk away in the middle of the fight and leave me fuming with anger!! The only difference is that I made you angrier by always replying, and made him angrier by not replying at all!!!
Then my therapist smiled and said “no wonder you married him”… I was like “come again!!!”… she explained that I was agonized over how bad my relationship with you is, that my subconscious was content I found relief with a person who has that much in common with you, yet somehow accepted me for who I am!!! Whatever!!
As much as I would like to use this theory to blame you for whatever choices I made, I’d rather not!! I know I owe some serious flaws in my personality to you and I am ok with it really, I just don’t wanna blame you for anything, I really don’t!! Not because I’m a big person, but because I think my life would be much easier if I don’t. I hear my baby sis saying “but you do blame her all the time, even when you know it’s who she is”… I do it only when I am angry at you having to deal with your insults and extremely annoying crap… it comes out way faster than I can stop it!!
Now, I know it would hurt you a lot if I tell you what that therapist said. You would automatically pretend like she’s right, and then find ways to make a conspiracy theory out of her talk. You’d forget how much you admired her when I told you she said I did not need meds and that my anger issues were due to current circumstances (that day you would have called her personally to thank her), but now, you’d say that she’s turning me against you because it’s better to divert my anger or whatever….
But ma, let’s face it, we do have a problem… and by the way, it’s not just you and me, I mean come one, look at my sisters!! Both of them are avoiding you to their best… leaving you no one but me to yell at because you know you can always get a reaction out of me.
As for the divorce thing, stop combining baba’s thoughts and ideas with your fear… judging people by their marital status is biting the two of you in the ass right now, it’s only fair, so just accept it… I don’t mind :)
Ok, that last phrase would definitely get me kicked out if I do say it to her… I know I will in our next fight though!!
September 2, 2007
I feel much better...
I stumbled on that while I was copying and pasting some files to clean up my desktop!!
To you..
Oh how I loved you..
Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..
You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..
I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..
I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..
For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..
People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..
I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..
I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..
I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?
You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..
Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..
It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..
I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..
I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..
I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..
I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.
written on April 7th, 2007
I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!
No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.
I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.
As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).
Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.
To you..
Oh how I loved you..
Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..
You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..
I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..
I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..
For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..
People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..
I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..
I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..
I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?
You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..
Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..
It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..
I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..
I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..
I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..
I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.
written on April 7th, 2007
I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!
No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.
I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.
As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).
Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.
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