September 2, 2007

I feel much better...

I stumbled on that while I was copying and pasting some files to clean up my desktop!!

To you..

Oh how I loved you..

Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..

You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..

I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..

I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..

For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..

People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..

I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..

I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..

I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?

You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..

Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..

It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..

I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..

I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..

I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..

I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.

written on April 7th, 2007

I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!

No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.

I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.

As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).

Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.


farida said...

good for you
keep your peace dear cause believe me no man on the earth deserves a tear

i swear
sometimes life without them is so much better than living with them
cause when man is so selfish and immature he's not called MAN any more
he's any other thing
any inhuman creature

but when man is a real MAN supportive and kind
this is a man you can live for and love by all your strength

something else i wanna tell u dear
people will always tell you to stay

cause those are people i discovered very ironic thing when iwas close to divorce

people love misery

i mean it's not a strange thing for easterian people to be in unhappy marriage
this is THE NORMAL ... look around you

so when you have your reasonable reasons to get divorce
they look at you like a stranger

he cheatedd on you ??
so what!!!

live for children
live for duty

no one thinks of your happiness
cause dear it's not an option here..
you are in egypt
who's happy in his marriage??

the lonely twin said...

when I first read the thing you wrote I thought... that's so sad but then when I continued and read your comment I thought... good for her I hope she stays strong..

Jade said...


what beautiful words... Farida is as wise as ever & I can not say it any different.

Be well dear...

Adrasteia said...

if your prayer for peace of mind is selfish, God help the rest of us

:) i love this post

insomniac said...

farida, the last time i remember crying for him was the day his dad died!! all those tears were for me :)

it shocks me how many ppl stay in dead end marriages and choose to live unhappily because they are afraid of the label!! i know how abusive this society is, i just think that we abuse ourselves even more when we let the society stop us from doing what we believe is right!!

i have a friend whom her husband flirts with other women day and night right in front of her and probably even cheats, she hates that... yet she keeps saying he'll come around!! he did even before they got married!! the reason she's 'in love with him' is a mystery to me :)

i believe there are healthy marriages out there... it's just that ppl like whining about their daily problems sometimes... there must be healthy marriages, mesh momken el nas de kollaha 3aysha fel nakad all the time!!

thanks for visiting :))

the lonely twin, it wasn't just sad... it was confusing and painful.. at some point i thought i would always feel like that!! i am glad it wasn't true :) thank you for dropping by :)))

Jade, Thank you.. :)

adrasteia, i said greedy... i already think i am selfish -but in a healthy way ;)-.. yeah, God help us all :) thank you, glad u loved it :)

Яαgιи Яαvєи said...

Shocking way to start a post with a happy ending. :) I loved the twist. I'm glad to know that you're doing better now.

Take care... and cheers. ;)

hurricane_x said...

I didn't get it in the beginning..!
Well,..u did what's better for u, so get a fresh new start :)

The phoenix said...

الحمد لله

insomniac said...

RR, yeah, it was shocking for me to read something i wrote 5 months ago when i feel completely different right now!! thanks :)

hurricane, what didn't u get at first? my new start will be once all is finalized isA... thx for the support :) on another note, how come u no longer post anything??

phoenix, well said :)))) alhamdulilah

ZeRoCoOl said...

Farida is right about no man on earth deserves a sister's ex was an angel mosque on friday and strip clubs on've inspired me to write her story....I hope it helps.

insomniac said...

zerocool, niceto actually have a man approve of what farida said :p

i will comment on ur sister's x-hsband upon reading her story on ur blog... nice to hear i inspired u... i seep to inspire ppl lately :)))