I stumbled on that while I was copying and pasting some files to clean up my desktop!!
Oh how I loved you..
Yes, I do say loveD, I promised myself it will be over and I plan to keep that promise..
You were everything to me, my first everything, even my first disappointment..
I think back of all the times I could have walked away and almost did, and wonder why on earth u begged me out of it when your plan was to not cherish me..
I remember and wish I could have those years back.. I know I never will, and for that I am as sorry as you can never imagine..
For the last year, I have been staying because I was missing what it once felt like, being with you.. to tell you the truth, I still miss it, but now, I know better than to ever believe it will be like it once was..
People tell me to stay for the sake of what has been, but I say that I better leave for the sake of what is to be..
I know there won’t be much, at least not for me.. but let’s call it self preservation.. I need my sanity and I need my peace of mind that I once lost for you..
I wish I could hurt you at least half as much as you hurt me, sadly enough, it appears I am incapable of that, it’s pathetic how helpless you make me feel..
I wonder why people always said I was the strong one among my group.. is it because I am really strong? Or is it because they never saw me around you?
You always made me weak, and I always loved how I surrendered to your strength..
Now, I resent it all, I resent the utter love, the blind faith and all the weaknesses I once considered strengths..
It’s time for me stand on my own feet and not wait for you to lift me, for all you ever really did was put me down, so Goodbye..
I am sorry to say I do not wish you well..
I am sorry to say that I wish you all the pain and misery you bestowed on me..
I am more than sorry to say that I wish one day you’d wake up and want nothing of the world but to see the loving way I looked at you, you’d look for it in every other girl’s eyes and never find it, then you’d look for it in me and find nothing but indifference..
I am sorry the most for wasting the good years of my life on you.. I deserved a lot better than that, at least the person I once was did.
written on April 7th, 2007
I am so glad my feelings are not that intense anymore!! I remember I was ‘home’ writing that while sitting on my bed and sobbing, with a pregnant belly and more hormones than my system could handle. I remember it was written three days after a “Dear you” version of it!!
No, I don’t wanna hurt him anymore :) I am totally over that. I think he’s more capable of hurting himself for that matter.
I don’t think I’m weak, I think I loved him the only way I knew how to love. When you love someone, you gave it all you have… or that’s what I think. And for that, I have no regret or resentment.
As for wishing him well… umm, I don’t think I am that big a person :) I would only like him to understand what he did, because I know he still hasn’t. I know that once he does, he will realize how hard it was for me to let go and perhaps –if I’m that lucky- I would see that look on his face when he sees me as happy as I plan on being (I really should stop having high hopes!!).
Dear God, I am so very thankful for finally having some peace of mind. I know it sounds greedy, but I would like to feel that peaceful for the rest of my life.