What’s the point?

Dear Mom and Dad,

What’s the point of telling me to have more faith, when all you do is make me question everything I ever believed in?

What’s the point of telling me to do what’s right, when no one else really does?

What’s the point of asking me to believe in what’s good and what’s fair when they never prevail?

What’s the point of bringing me up to be the person I am right now; the person who has high ethical standards and would never compromise her values, when you’re asking me to let go of it all and return to someone who has no ethics and does not respect my values??

What’s the point of remaining strong, when you do nothing but weaken me?

What’s the point of having a life, when I have absolutely no control over it?

What’s the point of raising my kids to believe in all those things, when I no longer do?

What’s the point of acting in favor of what’s good for my kids, when you’re not doing the same thing for me?

I need answers for all those questions, not an accusing look or a hug for that matter. I need to know that my own parents would do for me what they are asking me to do for my kids. I need to feel your support if I am ever to get over what you did last night. Before you answer those questions, think hard and know that your answers can make or break not just my life, but also your grand children’s lives as well.

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To you,

What’s the point of bringing your feverish son candy or a ball, when you come five hours late because you were in the sauna with another loser whom you call friend? And for that matter, what’s the point of going to the gym, when you smoke your lungs out afterwards? (anyone sees how futile this is??!!)

What’s the point of asking me to come home, when you don’t even have the common sense of asking in a decent manner?

What’s the point of kissing me on the head in front of everyone, when the next moment you’re making direct implications that I’ve had inappropriate friendships with guys whom I actually told you about?

What’s the point of following me into my room when I lose my temper and telling me when no one else is there that you cheated and that you’re sorry, when you would call me delusional and paranoid in front of my family and yours?

What’s the point of kneeling and kissing my feet despite my asking you not to, when we both know you’d come out of the room to trash me again?

What’s the point of saying that you love me and begging for me to give ‘us’ a chance for the sake of what has been and the kids, when you never did when it was time to make a choice?

What’s the point of admitting to me you were wrong, when you end up blaming it either on me or her, but never you?

What’s the point of apologizing at all, when we both know you’ll do it all over again, if not even worse?

What’s the point of it all? Is it about winning or losing? Is it about wanting to break my spirit?

Well, you know what? Your wife or not, you already lost me, and there is no way you will ever have me back. As for my spirit, you can never break that. No matter how many times you make me lose my temper or cry in front of you or others, I will only get stronger, that I promise you.

You know what else, I don’t even want any answers from you to the questions I just asked. I don’t care. I don’t care if you say you will make it up. You can never do it, you wouldn’t know where to begin, for let’s face it, I may be easy to please, but I am very hard to impress.

Haven’t you seen the look in my eyes yesterday? Didn’t you see the anger and the rage as you spoke your lies shamelessly in front of them? Didn’t you see the dismay when you said “erga3y ba2a 3ashan khater weladna”? Didn’t you feel the rejection when you tried to touch me? Did it make you feel better when I finally broke down and started crying? Did it make you feel superior to see me that helpless with everyone telling me I should go back ‘home’ with you?

It’s so sad that you’re actually ok with me returning when you know I am doing it against my will. How could you possibly think that our marriage can last, when there is nothing left to fix, when there’s nothing left to return to?

My advice to you is to let go. Try to live up to whatever is left of the promises you never kept. Give me one good thing to remember you by, like the look on your face when you once said you would never keep me against my will. I already told you I no longer want to be with you. I already said that I lost the love, the trust and the respect I once had for you. Is there anything more to say? If there is, consider it said and just let me go.