September 9, 2007

What’s the point?

Dear Mom and Dad,

What’s the point of telling me to have more faith, when all you do is make me question everything I ever believed in?

What’s the point of telling me to do what’s right, when no one else really does?

What’s the point of asking me to believe in what’s good and what’s fair when they never prevail?

What’s the point of bringing me up to be the person I am right now; the person who has high ethical standards and would never compromise her values, when you’re asking me to let go of it all and return to someone who has no ethics and does not respect my values??

What’s the point of remaining strong, when you do nothing but weaken me?

What’s the point of having a life, when I have absolutely no control over it?

What’s the point of raising my kids to believe in all those things, when I no longer do?

What’s the point of acting in favor of what’s good for my kids, when you’re not doing the same thing for me?

I need answers for all those questions, not an accusing look or a hug for that matter. I need to know that my own parents would do for me what they are asking me to do for my kids. I need to feel your support if I am ever to get over what you did last night. Before you answer those questions, think hard and know that your answers can make or break not just my life, but also your grand children’s lives as well.

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To you,

What’s the point of bringing your feverish son candy or a ball, when you come five hours late because you were in the sauna with another loser whom you call friend? And for that matter, what’s the point of going to the gym, when you smoke your lungs out afterwards? (anyone sees how futile this is??!!)

What’s the point of asking me to come home, when you don’t even have the common sense of asking in a decent manner?

What’s the point of kissing me on the head in front of everyone, when the next moment you’re making direct implications that I’ve had inappropriate friendships with guys whom I actually told you about?

What’s the point of following me into my room when I lose my temper and telling me when no one else is there that you cheated and that you’re sorry, when you would call me delusional and paranoid in front of my family and yours?

What’s the point of kneeling and kissing my feet despite my asking you not to, when we both know you’d come out of the room to trash me again?

What’s the point of saying that you love me and begging for me to give ‘us’ a chance for the sake of what has been and the kids, when you never did when it was time to make a choice?

What’s the point of admitting to me you were wrong, when you end up blaming it either on me or her, but never you?

What’s the point of apologizing at all, when we both know you’ll do it all over again, if not even worse?

What’s the point of it all? Is it about winning or losing? Is it about wanting to break my spirit?

Well, you know what? Your wife or not, you already lost me, and there is no way you will ever have me back. As for my spirit, you can never break that. No matter how many times you make me lose my temper or cry in front of you or others, I will only get stronger, that I promise you.

You know what else, I don’t even want any answers from you to the questions I just asked. I don’t care. I don’t care if you say you will make it up. You can never do it, you wouldn’t know where to begin, for let’s face it, I may be easy to please, but I am very hard to impress.

Haven’t you seen the look in my eyes yesterday? Didn’t you see the anger and the rage as you spoke your lies shamelessly in front of them? Didn’t you see the dismay when you said “erga3y ba2a 3ashan khater weladna”? Didn’t you feel the rejection when you tried to touch me? Did it make you feel better when I finally broke down and started crying? Did it make you feel superior to see me that helpless with everyone telling me I should go back ‘home’ with you?

It’s so sad that you’re actually ok with me returning when you know I am doing it against my will. How could you possibly think that our marriage can last, when there is nothing left to fix, when there’s nothing left to return to?

My advice to you is to let go. Try to live up to whatever is left of the promises you never kept. Give me one good thing to remember you by, like the look on your face when you once said you would never keep me against my will. I already told you I no longer want to be with you. I already said that I lost the love, the trust and the respect I once had for you. Is there anything more to say? If there is, consider it said and just let me go.


6 comments:

Ma-3lina said...

u brought tears again into my eyes

Donna what to say , comfort u with helpless words or maybe give u a hug

still wont change a thing

all I wanna say that u huv to make an action against what happens , take a decision and stick to it no matter what

try to get urself out of this cycle ur trapped in maybe with the help of ur therapist.. dunna know

Puppy said...

I agree with above said by ma3lina, you need to get out of this cycle, take a break, go to vacation. Try to avoid seeing ppl that cause u pain and discomfort.

Come on!!!, he is not the hub of the universe! U can live without him easily.

Cheer urself, forget the past, start a new life.

Maat said...

you said it all.. and yet i know there's more to say

your letter to the parents.. that's exatly what i was thinking yesterday.... that's what i was thinking for a very long time lately and it's slowly killing my dumb cheerful spirit!

as for your letter to the "husband"...........
just know i understand.. and that i'm here for you!

insomniac said...

this is weird! every time i post something when i'm in a bad mood, i usually feel much better by the time i am commenting back... it's not the case today.. somehow i feel defeated and helpless and i hate myself for feeling that way...

anyhow ma-3alina, i know exactly how words change nothing, sometimes they make us feel better and sometimes they just don't, but thanks anyway, it has mean something that a person i don't know feels for me.

i am trying to take an action, i am not a submissive person aslan... thing is, my dad gave a word and i have to honor it, i owe him that much... it's really hard to explain

as for the therapist.. she'd be crucified if she says anything they dislike right now.. we meen hay3alegny lamma atgannen rasmy :)

puppy, i don't know where to go.. i've actually tried that, but he never lets me be.. of course he's nothing... but that nothing is making me miserable, 7aga te2ref. i can live without him, in fact i was doing just fine...

my little maat, yeah i know about the parents part :) if only they get off their pedestal and see the impact of the things they say and do... as for the husband, i give him all credit for killing my not so dumb, no so cheerful spirit :) i luf u... don't be upset for me, it'll be fine isA

ola said...

Well, dont know what 2 say!! I was away 4 a long time i guess, i read all ur last posts just now!
Listen, i know we r not best friends or anything but apart from being a cousin of yours, we used 2 b friends some time in the past & I have good feelings 4u.
I understand every word u said during the last few months & I totally agree with u......yes my dear u have all the right 2 decide what u really want 2 do. I beleive that when it comes 2 an end between 2 persons so it's the end. U r mature enough 2 take ur own decisions, allow me 2 comment but it's much better 4 ur kids 2 b raised with their parents apart but still have some respect 4 each other than living with both parents in the same house with humiliations all the time. Ana mesh ba7aradek 3ala 7aga especially we7na da7'leen 3ala ramadan, i'm just telling u my opinion.
Dear cousin, I know i was not around (but u cant blame me 4 this) but i'm willing 2 do anything 4u...an advice, if u want, i'm a good listener by the way. U may not be in need 4 me atall but i felt like saying this anyway. Hang on, GOD will never let u down isa, beleive me. Again, i'm here 4u if u would accept my friendship again.

insomniac said...

my dear ola, my reply to you here shall cover the things i wouldn't know how to say over the phone...

thanks a lot for your very kind words... and no, i can never blame you for not being around, that's the way life goes and it's ok ya habibty, really :)

i will call you later today isA.