September 29, 2007

Who am I?

“Who are you? By far, I’ve seen five different yous: 1) the adorable little girl who put nothing in the world above me, and who used to lie there in my arms making me feel the strongest man on earth, 2) the strong, mad, and unpredictable young woman who would insist on her opinion and stick to her ethics and values even if it backfires on her, 3) the annoying wife who would do every text book mistake that would lead to the destruction of her marriage, 4) the heartbroken wife and mother who fell apart, shut the whole world away and surrendered to depression (whom I know I was responsible for), and 5) the heartless fierce woman who would do whatever it takes to return the harm I inflicted on her with no regard to the history we shared (whom I also know I was responsible for). Right now, I have no idea who you are, you’re none of those!! And I can’t really tell who you are!”

You don’t know me, you didn’t even know me quite that well and my guess is you never will!!


I was once that girl for you, and that was the time you loved me the way you say you still do, you projected my love and returned it doubled and sometimes even tripled...

That strong opinionated young woman has always been who I am only we never argued until we started having different perceptions...

That wife, she loved you but she had completely lost faith in you and in everything else, which made her lose her way even more...

That heartbroken wife and mother was the result of some serious emotional abuse and let’s just stop there...

As for that heartless woman, she is who I will be if you ever consider harming me any further or harming my kids or my family.


As for who I am right now, I am a person w
ho had found my faith in all the good that I can no longer see but somehow believe is there...

I am the person who had somehow found it in me to let go of all the anger and promised I would keep things civil as long as you keep it that way...

I am the person who held back the tears when she called to apologize and could somehow pretend like I was never hurt to begin with...

I am the person who realized that although it was alright to be that weak defenseless girl who was madly in love; however, my mistake was falling for you instead of someone who would know how appreciate and cherish that love...

I am the person who will find it in me to forgive you and her, but firstly forgive myself for letting you drag me into her darkest hours...

I am simply a person whom you can never understand, let alone fall in love with for I will always catch your bluff and you will never ever be able to feel superior anymore.


At some point personality number two would have taken the time to tell you all that, but the new me would just smile, take a deep breath and ask you when I can come pick up my things.
Don’t you just get it? The spell has been broken and my heart is free, even from hating you. Be the man I once though you were and let me go, and I promise you this will be the best thing you’ve ever done to me.



8 comments:

Jade said...

You know ya Anzouka - this will have nothing to do with your post but I always wanted to ask you, why dont you have the dates showing? Dont you think one day you will go back & you might want to know the dates? Am glad I got that off my chest, every time I come by I wanna ask you... & forget.

Now, as for your post - it's very powerful & extremely heartfelt babe.. but did you really reach indifference? So soon? Are you really indifferent towards that man? Do you not have the hate, or the pain or the anger left?

Jade said...

Of course the pain & anger are there - I mean the kind of feeling that wants to inflict anger back at him.. do you get what I mean?

insomniac said...

that's strange! i thought the dates were stated on the blog!! anyways, i write them on word and save them with dates for my own reference :) ya rab tekoony ettamenty :))))))) will check the blog options just for you tho :)

there was a point when i would have harmed him and enjoyed it... until last week, i used to tell myself that no good would come out of harming him and that i didn't need it, until that incident when i could have harmed him in self defence, guilt free... i couldn't, i found myself crying and hoping things would have never come to that and that i want things civil and so on.... i guess i had to be there know what's in my heart!

as far as sadness and pain go, i feel them from time to time... nostalgia gets to me a bit, along with the terrible days of my pregnancy and how he mistreated me and i just close my eyes so hard and lock those bad memories where i can no longer retrieve them...

i guess what i am trying to say, that i feel some kind of indifference, some how the kind of indifference you feel to spite someone, i hope one day it would be pure indifference tho :) will talk about it some more in a post when i have more time...

ahoh long comment 3ashan tenbesty :)

Ma-3lina said...

The post of the day really :))

it's kinda a relief to know who u are and what ur demands!!

People spend half their life trying to figure out themselves and their priorities.

yup I know I looked to it in a different way maybe reflecting my mood in it dunna know

and yup only the time is posted not the date

strange reply !!

insomniac said...

ok, first things first, i checked my blog settings and found that they are supposed to show date as well!! i think it's the format of the template... i will work on it, but it's not on the top of my list, so for now i will write the date myself

ma-3alina, my priorities are not that defined yet... all i know is that my kids come first. anyway, who i am is subject to change any time depending on so many things... which reply is strange???

Ma-3lina said...

My reply is the strange one, excuse me for that but I am pretty confused and in so how it affects my perception to things.

That's why i felt that my reply malosh ay 3elaka be ur post or something

hurricane_x said...

This post made me feel sad :/
though it seems that u've reached some kind of inner peace!
Maybe 'cause u stated how we change from one personality to the other through years and under different circumstances,..!
dunno,..
anyway, I'm glad u finally had closure (concerning feelings I mean)!

insomniac said...

ma-3alina, it's ok, happens to everyone :))

hurricane, yeah, it has this sad feel knowing all the changes we go through from one personality to another and realizing that some innocence is forever lost....

and it yet feels good in a way to know who u are and have the sense of closure...

sorry you guys for the late reply, i only saw those comments now!!! *banging myself on the head*