September 20, 2007

The worst feeling …

I’ve tried so hard not to cry today… I wanted to make it perfect, but who was I kidding! As birthdays go, this one was a mess, until we gathered to sing “happy birthday” and all of us were too tired and consumed. I am glad my son is too young to grasp any of the drama, and I am glad he enjoyed the cake and the candles.

There has been an unofficial poll about the worst feeling one can feel. Today, I felt more than just one…


I felt totally and utterly offended by his sick insults… I remained there as I read what he had sent me and just went blank… I didn’t know what to even think let alone how to respond…

I felt oppressed… not just were his insults offensive, but also they were untrue and a mere projection to his own sick behavior…

I felt helpless… when all I can do in return is remain in a state of shock for a while, then start mumbling hysterically, and then cry so hard that I can barely keep my eyes opened now, it’s sad and pathetic…

I felt weak… my helplessness automatically made me feel weaker and weaker, helpless and weak is a very bad combination…

I felt lonely… no I was not alone, I have lots of support, but no one can really help! The fact that he’s my kids’ father cripples everyone. I sat there crying not wanting to call anyone for moral support or whatever because I know it won’t help much. As a matter of fact I was on the phone with my best friend as it all started and she laughed sarcastically telling me that it’s another cheap stunt and that I should not let it get to me. Easy to say I guess.

I felt vulnerable… yes, he can still get to me… I know I said I was over him, and I am, I really am… but every time he pulls something like that off, it gets to me… I hate how he knows how to do that, how he knows how to make me feel that way…

I felt brotherless (I know it’s not even a word)… I think only a brother would go kick his a** because my dad is too wise and caring about ‘el osool’ to do it. There was a time, he was that brother to me who would protect me against harm, but now the he inflicts that harm so shamelessly… I have a lot of good brother figures, but I would not count on any of them, it would only make it worse I know…

I felt stupid… was I really that blind to see him for who he really is?? My sisters say there’s been a dramatic change, but can people really change that way and be that evil??

I felt regretful… I’ve never ever felt regret about anything in my life, now I actually have him as my first regret (I would so like to say my only regret, but who knows)…

I felt scared… although I know his words are nothing but sick twisted lies, I am also aware that words can sometimes cause more harm… I know I don’t even care who believes his lies, for those who know me do know better, and those who will believe his lies mean nothing to me, but the fact that he’d say all that with no regard to anything, even the fact that we’re still married, made me worry about whatever sick and twisted things he can do, which can –and chances are will- cause harm…


I know I would sound naive saying that I just can believe some people would sink that low, but I do!! The little girl in me who still believes in fairytales refuses to believe that there could be that much evil in someone’s heart… it’s not just give-the-princess-a-poisoned-apple kinda evil, it’s do-whatever-it-takes-to-hurt-someone-so-they-never-heal kinda evil. I will ever get why people would act that way…

A good friend of mine keeps telling me to be patient and pray a lot and that truth and justice will eventually prevail. I know it’s Ramadan, I know that I am ‘mazlooma’, which means that my prayers shall be answered and all, but it still hurts even when I know that it will be over.

I believe it will be over. I believe that if I hold on to my faith in God he will give me the strength I need to be patient and reward me for it. I believe that when it’s all over nothing will remain but the memory, but the memory is so dark and painful and I know it has changed something in me that will never be the same.

I just hope it would be over soon ya Rab.


10 comments:

Ma-3lina said...

Me too hope that everything be over soon isa

I am sorry that he ruined ur son's birthday and as u said thx god that ur son won't notice what happened and enjoy his bd.

Well, we will all pray for u to get over that whole nightmare as u said we r in ayam moftrga

and plz stop crying, he doesn't deserve it.

ZeRoCoOl said...

OMG you've just described my nephew's first birthday. My sister for my nephew's first went all-out and rented out a banquet hall. She invited everyone including her ex AND HIS FRIENDS; as a peace offering. He ended up being the biggest asshole in front of everyone including his own friends.

alas, she never repeated that grave error in judgment as he is a big baby.

BaTaBeeT said...

1st Happy Birthday to ur son...
2nd.. as usual i dunno wht to say cause it will all be censored.. but u shouldnt feel all tht for someone who is that low
3rd isA u'll prayers will be answered transforming this shit to a memory that u might not even remember in some years

insomniac said...

ma-3alina, thanks sweetie... again, i am not crying for him at all, i cry because of those feelings i feel...

zero, i didn't invite him aslan for he only bothered to send me a text wishing his son a happy birthday and a better wife in the future!! i guess when i ignored him and insisted on having a good day he got even more creative on how to ruin it... as a matter of fact, i don't even think he took the birthday thing into consideration!

battou, thanks habibty for the birthday wishes... feel eh for him, i get those feelings because of him and the #$%^&* things he does... alhamdulilah for everything

hurricane_x said...

This is what some people do when they feel that they're gonna lose/lost the battle.
They just try to harm u by all the awful and hateful means, not knowing that they'll remain defeated and will gain nothing but utter despise!
rabena ye'7afef 3anek.

Maat said...

it's not that he's evil.. la2, he's mentally ill and should be locked in a mental institute!!!!! aw erboteeh f 3amood noor w wasaly el aslak beeh, maybe that'll help... not exactly ECT bas it could help..
%$@%$##@!*%%$@......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

insomniac said...

hurricane, yeah, defeated... that's what he is... it's taking forever for him to grasp, and until he does Allah yekoon fe 3oony ana we ahly

maat, gebty el tayha!!! and no, he IS EVIL.... plus sick and derranged and should be shot like barking street dogs that keep biting chunks of decent people!!!!
leeh tala3ty el ghell elly gowa now...

Jade said...

3o2bal every birthday to come to be a much happier memory & lacking all this pain.

I am not gonna tell you to ignore, or dont take what he said into account... because that is literally impossible, but if you can just gather enough strength NOT to reply - you will be the winner.

See all he is doing as Hurricane said is screw you over & by your reply or reaction to deny the lies or to insult back or or or... is giving him exactly what he wants.

I know it is absolutely hard, & that you might have already replied... but if you didnt, that is all I can tell you - keep the silence & that surely will be the toughest test to your strength - but since anyways all he is accusing & saying is untrue - then a reply is not really valid is it?

Good luck babe...

insomniac said...

Jade, i did not reply.. as a matter of fact i didn't even plan to! he knows very well how untrue his accusations are, and i will not deginify them and will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know how they got to me...

this is not the hardest part, u see, the last thing i wanna do is deal with him... waiting till it blows up in his face is the hard part... 7asbya Allah wa ne3ma al wakeel

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