September 24, 2007

One bad day, more to come… I am hanging in there!


I am not about to write details on what caused it, because I found them rather embarrassing, let alone humiliating.

I spent three hours crying and sobbing!! Shivering in anger and disbelief that things would come down to this, with every breath I took, I was praying to God it would be over soon without more shit.

My dad’s driver kept calling my name in an attempt to make me calm down! The man has never seen me that way!!!

I called an old friend of my dad’s and the three of my uncles’ asking for his help, the way he talked to me made me feel better but I couldn’t stop crying. This man had seen me through different times since I was a little girl who couldn’t say two letters, and I think the one time he saw me cry was when I had that serious head injury my uncle K caused.

Two complete strangers whom I had to communicate with saw me that way too, they kept asking me questions with me trying to give coherent answers and when I was finished, one of them said that I looked ‘bent nas’ and that this shall and will make me stronger.

My friend N was there, she kept yelling at me not to cry and be the ‘tough chick’ she’s always known me to be. She kept saying that God is there and no one can dodge his wrath.

My dad called me in the midst of my hysteria and told me, to be strong and that it is all for the best and that by tomorrow better things will happen. However, he didn’t tell me he’d make it stop! Oh I miss how it felt to think your daddy can make the world stop when you stumble and fall until you can stand up again.

As I was crossing the street to get into the car, I felt strong pain in my abdomen, I had no idea what it was but it could be my colon objecting to all the pressure, I sucked it up and walked with my head high, not that anyone was watching.

I went home and found my son running towards me and jumping in my arms and there was my relief… a little hug that lingered giving me something tangible to hold on to in addition to my inner peace and conviction that no one could harm me unless it’s God’s will. I prayed and went in my sister’s room because I didn’t want to be alone only to fall asleep on her bed with my younger son in my arms.

After iftar, my friend H came to check on me. We sat on my bed and I told her the details I could remember in a quiet and calm tone. She kept telling me that it is for the best and that in sha2 Allah everything will be ok, then she smiled and paused, then went on “you know what, I don’t remember ever seeing you that peaceful!! You’re usually ranting and cursing or just crying!! mA, you’ve grown and you finally have that peace you were looking for”.

It made me smile, for I knew exactly what she was talking about. I know the old me would have been blinded by anger to even remember saying God’s name and pray for him. I know I would have just went on and on about what I was gonna do in return; now, I just laid back ad said, let’s see what’s next, and then we’ll see how we should react. Yep, I am back to the person I never really was, but always thought I was!! It took me seven years to see things for how they really are. And if that’s the price I had to pay to get here, alhamdulilah.

Dear God, thank you for everything, thank you for helping me find something good all through the past couple of weeks. I will stop asking You to make it over soon, I will just pray to You that it ends fairly, and when it does, please let me be the better person and don’t make me lose anything worth crying for, amen.


Jade said...

You know Sweets....

Everytime I am in this corner all I can pray is (& I keep saying it over & over until it totally calms me down)

اللهم اني لا أسئلك رد القداء و لاكني أسئلك اللطف فيه

I love this prayer... it is my favorite... I hope it makes you feel better in time of need.

insomniac said...

thanks jade... it does help to say it!
funny thing, i was just on ur blog while u were checking mine....

Maat said...

you messed up the bed! I place the pillows in a certain order and NOBODY gets it!!!!!! anywhooo.. you're welcomed there again.. just don't forget to put them back!

insomniac said...

maat, you know, i was just thinking "maat hates it when ppl sleep on her bed!" as i read ur nick!!!

ok sweetie... i won't sleep on ur bed again, mine is more comfy anyways and my pillows r fluffier :P

hurricane_x said...

Keep the faith, hold on, and pray it'll be over soon.

insomniac said...

will do... and i know it will... thanks a lot :)

Anonymous said...

i dnt understand why u're still in a dilemma? or the reasons ur folks insist upon ur goin back to ur adulterous hubby.
srry to say this, but u're my worst nightmare coming into life. i've always feared that my parents would hold the fact en "e7na welad nas", divorce isnt a negotiable word in our family againt me, and would be blinded to the first priority that is their daughter is miserable.
hang on, be strong for urself inorder to be strong for ur kids.
u're on the right path.getting out of a marriage doesnt mean u takes 2 to tango. w b3dein u gotta fail once inorder to appreciate the success later on. dont give him the chance to ruin smth as trivial as text messages for u, isnt it enuf he ruined a whole life?
one day when u're outta this u'll look back upon it as an experience u learnt alot from, no matter how mch pain it caused u.
morale of the comment..FIGHT WOMAN!
keep u're pride, no glory
wshing u all the best scincerly from the heart, and dnt cry much over him, he's not worth it :)

insomniac said...


i am commenting back with one big smile on my face :)

i am my worst nightmare myself, so no offence really :)

i have already re-written my comment twice since i don't want it to drag (it did how ever give me something to post next)...

my parents have serious issues just like the rest of our society! some of them could be justified, some are just wrong!

i am doing my best to convey to them that even if he's forgiven, what's lost cannot be retrieved and that it is ok... they don't seem to get it and they always misinterpret it!!!!

regarding him, i learned my lesson well... and the only reason his messages got to me is because they were meant to get to me (we've been married for quite some time and he knows which buttons to push the same way i do)... all the more reason to get out of that marriage since we push all the wrong buttons on purpose now.

and no R, he did not waste or ruin my life... i refuse to give him that 'victory'... he only took seven years of my life, five of them i gave willingly for i was in love... plus, alhamdulilah, i am able to see the upside of it all... of course i am haunted by the shit that keeps flying right to my face, but i am able to recognize the blessings... the fact that i feel that way is one hell of an upside (i know i sound too full of myself, sorry if i do!)...

what do u know, another long comment :)