One bad day, more to come… I am hanging in there!

BAD BAD DAY

I am not about to write details on what caused it, because I found them rather embarrassing, let alone humiliating.

I spent three hours crying and sobbing!! Shivering in anger and disbelief that things would come down to this, with every breath I took, I was praying to God it would be over soon without more shit.

My dad’s driver kept calling my name in an attempt to make me calm down! The man has never seen me that way!!!

I called an old friend of my dad’s and the three of my uncles’ asking for his help, the way he talked to me made me feel better but I couldn’t stop crying. This man had seen me through different times since I was a little girl who couldn’t say two letters, and I think the one time he saw me cry was when I had that serious head injury my uncle K caused.

Two complete strangers whom I had to communicate with saw me that way too, they kept asking me questions with me trying to give coherent answers and when I was finished, one of them said that I looked ‘bent nas’ and that this shall and will make me stronger.

My friend N was there, she kept yelling at me not to cry and be the ‘tough chick’ she’s always known me to be. She kept saying that God is there and no one can dodge his wrath.

My dad called me in the midst of my hysteria and told me, to be strong and that it is all for the best and that by tomorrow better things will happen. However, he didn’t tell me he’d make it stop! Oh I miss how it felt to think your daddy can make the world stop when you stumble and fall until you can stand up again.

As I was crossing the street to get into the car, I felt strong pain in my abdomen, I had no idea what it was but it could be my colon objecting to all the pressure, I sucked it up and walked with my head high, not that anyone was watching.

I went home and found my son running towards me and jumping in my arms and there was my relief… a little hug that lingered giving me something tangible to hold on to in addition to my inner peace and conviction that no one could harm me unless it’s God’s will. I prayed and went in my sister’s room because I didn’t want to be alone only to fall asleep on her bed with my younger son in my arms.

After iftar, my friend H came to check on me. We sat on my bed and I told her the details I could remember in a quiet and calm tone. She kept telling me that it is for the best and that in sha2 Allah everything will be ok, then she smiled and paused, then went on “you know what, I don’t remember ever seeing you that peaceful!! You’re usually ranting and cursing or just crying!! mA, you’ve grown and you finally have that peace you were looking for”.

It made me smile, for I knew exactly what she was talking about. I know the old me would have been blinded by anger to even remember saying God’s name and pray for him. I know I would have just went on and on about what I was gonna do in return; now, I just laid back ad said, let’s see what’s next, and then we’ll see how we should react. Yep, I am back to the person I never really was, but always thought I was!! It took me seven years to see things for how they really are. And if that’s the price I had to pay to get here, alhamdulilah.

Dear God, thank you for everything, thank you for helping me find something good all through the past couple of weeks. I will stop asking You to make it over soon, I will just pray to You that it ends fairly, and when it does, please let me be the better person and don’t make me lose anything worth crying for, amen.